dating age gap 17 and 26

[nevermindkid]

I'm brand new to this site and need some advice that is honest but anonymous. I have a 17 year old daughter who seems to be starting a relationship with a great Christian guy. Only problem? He's 26. My husband is the only other person who knows about this and for obvious reasons we are keeping it down low. I feel like I need other people to bounce this off of but i know how family/ friends will react. Some honest opinions that aren't based on initial emotions would be great. Should we encourage it? Discourage it? Remain neutral?

 

[Sabertooth]

In most states, you are allowed to give consent for a 17yo to marry. Are you prepared to do that? How close is she to 18?

Does he seem like he will wait until marriage before engaging in sex with her? If so, dating doesn't violate any laws, AFAIK.

 

[nevermindkid]

She just turned 17 in July. To be honest the legality of the situation is the least of my worries. He is actually been very honest about wanting to wait until her next birthday to really pursue a more in depth relationship. Sex isn't an issue at the moment - on top of everything else it is a long distance romance presently.

 

[jsimms615]

I would discourage it. They are at very different points of their lives at that age.

 

[CRAZY_CAT_WOMAN]

Do they know each other or meet on the internet? I would address my concerns, But I notice when you strongly discourage things. They seem to want that person even more? So I wouldn't go over board about discouraging things. My sister was 17 years old when, she met 26 year old boyfriend, the family members heavily discouraged it. 4 babies and 15 years later they finally divorced.

 

[nevermindkid]

They met in person. Very unusual situation, but kind of an instant attraction. His work keeps him on the road most of the time. Lots of texting and emails at this point.

 

[Max Shade]

Let me be blunt: Many a man claims to be a Christian & molests children. This guy is no different than any one of them.

I would check her phone for sexts, sit the fella down and have a conversation with him, if there are any sexts and he refuses to leave her alone, report him for felony possession of kiddie inappropriate content. If there aren't sexts, explain to him what an order of protection is and what the legal consequences of violating one are. Explain that her phone and computer privileges are revoked and she is grounded, any attempt to take her will be treated as an attempt at abduction of a minor and you will use every method within the law to prevent that (US States allow felons to be shot in the act of a forcible felony & without your consent it is forcible regardless of the minor's wishes). An alternative would be to draw up a prenup which is as punitive as legally possible, if the marriage should end. I would stick to sending the fella away in no uncertain terms. But then, I am one of those fiercely protective fathers with copius firearms and combat experience.

"A great christian guy" wouldn't be pursuing a little girl. Wolves and lions can be cute in Disney films, but a predators are predators.

 

[akmom]

I'm kind of skeptical about "instant attraction." A 26-year-old who is instantly attracted to a high schooler sets off some alarms in my mind. If they were well-acquainted and an attraction developed over time, based on Christian fellowship, shared interests and common goals, then it might be a legitimate attraction. But if they are barely acquainted and that idea jumped into his head, then the qualities that are "attracting" him can't be wholesome.

Although I'm 30, I have a few friends who still fall into the age 26 category. If they started dating a sophomore or junior in high school, I would think it was totally inappropriate. By age 26, most people have finished college, and even grad school if they went, and are somewhat settling into their careers. Your daughter hasn't even finished high school. How are they going to relate to each other, at such vastly different stages of life?

A teen girl having a crush on an older guy is pretty common. Perhaps the fact that they are established and have a role in society makes them interesting or intriguing compared to younger peers. But having him reciprocate is a little creepy. There's very little explanation for the vice versa. Maybe you could ask him what he likes about your daughter? You can probably discern from his answer whether he perceives her individual qualities, or is just enjoying a younger girl being interested in him.

 

[QueSeraSera]

In my experience I would remain neutral but watchful.You just do not know yet.They could end up being a match made in heaven.Or it could play itself out naturally .Trying to forbid something like this doesn't usually help matters.I do understand your concerns.

Good luck.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

How do you know he is a great Christian guy? Your daughter is still a child and needs to be protected from her ignorance. If your daughter has a good relationship with her parents there could be some good conversations. Hopefully you have that relationship. My parents couldn't tell me much. Thankfully the older guy who wanted to date me moved on before my virginity was taken, though he broke my heart.

 

[homeofmew]

yeah my only worry is legality, nothing more.
but it depends on the maturity of your child which you should know.

 

[dmasz91]

encourage it: first, when I was 15 I was obsessed about a 20 yr old who i totally would have married had he reciprocated my obsession. But it wasn't until I was 17 and met my 43 yr old now fiancee that i became a Christian in the first place. my mom had tried to force me to be a christian, but it only turned me away from God. Now she rejects my relationship with him and gave me the famous ultimatum so i had to move out. It was the best thing to happy to me given my situation and not getting along with her while i lived with her. I've been happily with my fiancee for 4 years and continuing. So here's the thing, you can either be that mom (like my own) who rejects the relationship and makes herself sad and miserable everyday because she can't stand the thought if her being with an older guy, still looking at her like she's a baby with lesser intelligence and immaturity and depending on their relationship to fail , expecting it so be some sort of prodigal son story, praying to god for the relationship to end, then complaining about how she doesn't visit you that often and having division between you and your daughter.....or you can be an exemplary christian parent who follows biblical principals and ignores the physical like God does, and only look at the heart, inviting him over with her, getting to know and love him as a son, inviting him as part of the family and encouraging unity. age doesn't matter. It's just a physical material factor like money and anything else. all that doesn't count in God's eyes and you gotta ask yourself other challenging questions like what if she had gotten with someone who had got both legs blown off in war and has PTSD? or what if she gotten with a midget? non of that matters either! really it would be good to see some christian parents out there step up to the plate and respect their daughter's decision to be with an older man, although it can be emotionally challenging for most parents....but like my pastors have always said "usually what God wants us to do is the thing we feel we don't want to do". not to mention you as a parent have every right to be able to determine whether this is truly a good Christian guy or not, first start with trusting your daughters judgment because i believe she deserves that if you believe you've raised her right.

 

[dmasz91]

I'm kind of skeptical about "instant attraction." A 26-year-old who is instantly attracted to a high schooler sets off some alarms in my mind. If they were well-acquainted and an attraction developed over time, based on Christian fellowship, shared interests and common goals, then it might be a legitimate attraction. But if they are barely acquainted and that idea jumped into his head, then the qualities that are "attracting" him can't be wholesome.

Although I'm 30, I have a few friends who still fall into the age 26 category. If they started dating a sophomore or junior in high school, I would think it was totally inappropriate. By age 26, most people have finished college, and even grad school if they went, and are somewhat settling into their careers. Your daughter hasn't even finished high school. How are they going to relate to each other, at such vastly different stages of life?

A teen girl having a crush on an older guy is pretty common. Perhaps the fact that they are established and have a role in society makes them interesting or intriguing compared to younger peers. But having him reciprocate is a little creepy. There's very little explanation for the vice versa. Maybe you could ask him what he likes about your daughter? You can probably discern from his answer whether he perceives her individual qualities, or is just enjoying a younger girl being interested in him.

I strongly disagree....(some of my story is in another reply to post) life stage is not an issue in fact my older man has helped me do better in school. that would not be necessary to ask him what he likes about the daughter because obviously it would be the same reasons as any age guy would like her. that question would only cause pressure as it is a "set-up" question like you are expecting a right or wrong answer when the parents is not the one to judge that.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

encourage it: first, when I was 15 I was obsessed about a 20 yr old who i totally would have married had he reciprocated my obsession. But it wasn't until I was 17 and met my 43 yr old now fiancee that i became a Christian in the first place. my mom had tried to force me to be a christian, but it only turned me away from God. Now she rejects my relationship with him and gave me the famous ultimatum so i had to move out. It was the best thing to happy to me given my situation and not getting along with her while i lived with her. I've been happily with my fiancee for 4 years and continuing. So here's the thing, you can either be that mom (like my own) who rejects the relationship and makes herself sad and miserable everyday because she can't stand the thought if her being with an older guy, still looking at her like she's a baby with lesser intelligence and immaturity and depending on their relationship to fail , expecting it so be some sort of prodigal son story, praying to god for the relationship to end, then complaining about how she doesn't visit you that often and having division between you and your daughter.....or you can be an exemplary christian parent who follows biblical principals and ignores the physical like God does, and only look at the heart, inviting him over with her, getting to know and love him as a son, inviting him as part of the family and encouraging unity. age doesn't matter. It's just a physical material factor like money and anything else. all that doesn't count in God's eyes and you gotta ask yourself other challenging questions like what if she had gotten with someone who had got both legs blown off in war and has PTSD? or what if she gotten with a midget? non of that matters either! really it would be good to see some christian parents out there step up to the plate and respect their daughter's decision to be with an older man, although it can be emotionally challenging for most parents....but like my pastors have always said "usually what God wants us to do is the thing we feel we don't want to do". not to mention you as a parent have every right to be able to determine whether this is truly a good Christian guy or not, first start with trusting your daughters judgment because i believe she deserves that if you believe you've raised her right.

There are few young teen girls that are equipped to make a decision about who would make a good husband. A 47 year old man dating a legal child is a problem. It also sound like you are living with him so I don't know what kind of Christianity you are talking about. That is not what Christianity teaches. Please update us in 3 years.