Dating a Lukewarm boyfriend

[Krnauau]

Hello,

I am new in this forum, hoping to hear advice from fellow God-loving women. I (27F) take my relationship with God very seriously.
I'm currently dating my 28 yo boyfriend.
He is a very good man. Very gentle, treats me with a lot of respect. I also noticed that he also treats other people with respect and very kindly. Has a good relationship with his family. Our goal in this relationship is marriage.
He claims he's a Christian. I've always prayed for a God-loving man. Someone I can grow together with in Christ, read the Bible and pray together. The problem is, I feel like he doesn't actually have a relationship with God.
I've talked to him about no sexual intimacy before marriage and he agreed to it, but I feel like he agreed just because he respects me not because of the underlying reasoning. We've gone to church together several times but if i don't ask him, he doesn't go. He said he doesn't want to go to church due to covid (said he's scared of giving covid to his unvaxxed mom), but he goes to watch football games where thousands of people attend.
Whenever I brought up something about faith and God, he'd always only aggre to it but doesn't say what he thinks about it.

What got me really concerned was, there were 2 different occasions where I asked him to pray, once for food, and once for my birthday. He adamantly refused to pray. I understand that not everyone has the gift of prayer, or they might be embarrassed to pray in public. But this put a heavy weight in my heart. I felt disappointed and somehow lost a bit of my feelings towards him.

I prayed about it and I'm planning to talk to him pretty soon. We've only been dating for a few months, is it too early for me to make these judgements? At the same time, I feel bit guilty because i felt like I'm judging his relationship with God. I thought maybe it's best if I stop seeing him, but what if he's willing to learn/change? I'm firm on not marrying a lukewarm Christian but I also feel that it's unfair if I don't give him a chance.

TLDR: lukewarm boyfriend doesn't seem like hes passionate about God.

 

[ripple the car]

Well… our faith and our love for God can take many forms. Not every Christian is terribly vocal about being a Christian. My husband is very vocal; likes to debate, talk about theology, quotes / references the Bible often, talks about eschatology in everyday conversations.

I’m the opposite. I’m a very quiet Christian. Almost a crypto-Christian. But I can pray for people, read the Bible quietly on my phone, and agree with folks when they make sound or theologically true statements. I’m not very vocal.

Have you ever talked with him about these things? Like, asked him if or why he doesn’t like to pray out loud? It might be a good idea to discuss this stuff with him, if it’s important to you, you know?

 

[Sketcher]

Hello,

I am new in this forum, hoping to hear advice from fellow God-loving women. I (27F) take my relationship with God very seriously.
I'm currently dating my 28 yo boyfriend.
He is a very good man. Very gentle, treats me with a lot of respect. I also noticed that he also treats other people with respect and very kindly. Has a good relationship with his family. Our goal in this relationship is marriage.

All good things.

I've talked to him about no sexual intimacy before marriage and he agreed to it, but I feel like he agreed just because he respects me not because of the underlying reasoning.

Why?

We've gone to church together several times but if i don't ask him, he doesn't go. He said he doesn't want to go to church due to covid (said he's scared of giving covid to his unvaxxed mom), but he goes to watch football games where thousands of people attend.

Does he watch services online when he doesn't go to church with you?

When he goes to those football games, does he give it a week or two after the game before he visits his mom? Before my folks got vaxxed, I would try to give it a week or two between when I would go out in public, and when I would visit them (I work from home).

Whenever I brought up something about faith and God, he'd always only aggre to it but doesn't say what he thinks about it.

Maybe he has no opinion, or maybe he doesn't want to rock the boat. I don't know enough about you personally to judge here. Are you a person he can safely disagree with? Does he feel that way?

What got me really concerned was, there were 2 different occasions where I asked him to pray, once for food, and once for my birthday. He adamantly refused to pray. I understand that not everyone has the gift of prayer, or they might be embarrassed to pray in public. But this put a heavy weight in my heart. I felt disappointed and somehow lost a bit of my feelings towards him.

OK, that will register a "yikes" with me.

I thought maybe it's best if I stop seeing him, but what if he's willing to learn/change? I'm firm on not marrying a lukewarm Christian but I also feel that it's unfair if I don't give him a chance.

Betting on changing him for the better is a very bad bet to make.

 

[messianist]

Well… our faith and our love for God can take many forms. Not every Christian is terribly vocal about being a Christian. My husband is very vocal; likes to debate, talk about theology, quotes / references the Bible often, talks about eschatology in everyday conversations.

I’m the opposite. I’m a very quiet Christian. Almost a crypto-Christian. But I can pray for people, read the Bible quietly on my phone, and agree with folks when they make sound or theologically true statements. I’m not very vocal.

Have you ever talked with him about these things? Like, asked him if or why he doesn’t like to pray out loud? It might be a good idea to discuss this stuff with him, if it’s important to you, you know?

There are signs in his behaviour that can be alarm bells ringing, it’s tough because if you continue and he’s not sincere then these alarm bells will come back to you, proceed with caution, you need to get things in order early, set the foundation as the scriptures say you can’t build on sand.

 

[ripple the car]

There are signs in his behaviour that can be alarm bells ringing, it’s tough because if you continue and he’s not sincere then these alarm bells will come back to you, proceed with caution, you need to get things in order early, set the foundation as the scriptures say you can’t build on sand.

I agree. The refusing to pray *is* concerning, especially if it’s in private. The young lady should discuss this stuff with him. He may simply be shy, may have some emotional issues, may be uncomfortable with prayer, or may just kind of be a nominal Christian with no real love of Christ; which would be tough to discern if it’s not discussed. That’s something to figure out before marriage.

 

[messianist]

I agree. The refusing to pray *is* concerning, especially if it’s in private. The young lady should discuss this stuff with him. He may simply be shy, may have some emotional issues, may be uncomfortable with prayer, or may just kind of be a nominal Christian with no real love of Christ; which would be tough to discern if it’s not discussed. That’s something to figure out before marriage.

And his excuse for covid in relation to not attending a church, and going to football matches is a contradiction too,that doesn’t quiet add up either.

 

[Freth]

God gives us intuition for a reason. If your gut is telling you something, most likely it's right. You already know that his actions seem to be of a person of lukewarm faith, which is telling.

Still, I would give him the benefit of the doubt. Sit him down and talk to him about it. Ask him questions about his faith that are important to you. Get the answers you seek. If you don't get straight-forward honest answers, or you get excuses like, "I need time", then I would think seriously about moving on from the relationship.

You can't change a person to be who you want them to be. Either they are, or they aren't. I was once a young man of his age myself. The young man I was didn't put much importance on his relationship with God, unfortunately, and I didn't come around until age 46. You don't want to be waiting 20 years for a change that may never happen.

God bless!

 

[BobRyan]

I've talked to him about no sexual intimacy before marriage and he agreed to it, but I feel like he agreed just because he respects me not because of the underlying reasoning. We've gone to church together several times but if i don't ask him, he doesn't go. He said he doesn't want to go to church due to covid (said he's scared of giving covid to his unvaxxed mom), but he goes to watch football games where thousands of people attend.
Whenever I brought up something about faith and God, he'd always only aggre to it but doesn't say what he thinks about it.

What got me really concerned was, there were 2 different occasions where I asked him to pray, once for food, and once for my birthday. He adamantly refused to pray.

So then he is not born-again - not saved - not a Christian at heart. But maybe all is not lost. See if he is open to being converted to Christ.

There is a free online world-class commentary on the life of Christ that is very easy to read and spiritually uplifting - called "The Desire of Ages".

The Desire of Ages

See if he will agree to read it out loud with you - (taking turns reading). And you start reading. Just a page or two at a time. You volunteer to pray at the start of each reading. Try that for 15 minutes each time - and give it a month or two.

As you start out - try to think of at least one interesting observation or question that interests you about the life of Christ info you get from the book. And after a few weeks check to see if he is willing to come up with even one single thought or sign of interest along the lines you propose. See if he is determined to reject or accept a common-interest and focus with you -- on he life of Christ.

If he is determined to be at war with Christ - he will eventually turn on you - because you are not at all at war with Christ and you are not interest in a cold-war with Christ in the form of your boyfriend. This could save you a lot of grief later on - but if this works out well it could be a huge blessing for you both.

 

[dqhall]

Hello,

I am new in this forum, hoping to hear advice from fellow God-loving women. I (27F) take my relationship with God very seriously.
I'm currently dating my 28 yo boyfriend.
He is a very good man. Very gentle, treats me with a lot of respect. I also noticed that he also treats other people with respect and very kindly. Has a good relationship with his family. Our goal in this relationship is marriage.
He claims he's a Christian. I've always prayed for a God-loving man. Someone I can grow together with in Christ, read the Bible and pray together. The problem is, I feel like he doesn't actually have a relationship with God.
I've talked to him about no sexual intimacy before marriage and he agreed to it, but I feel like he agreed just because he respects me not because of the underlying reasoning. We've gone to church together several times but if i don't ask him, he doesn't go. He said he doesn't want to go to church due to covid (said he's scared of giving covid to his unvaxxed mom), but he goes to watch football games where thousands of people attend.
Whenever I brought up something about faith and God, he'd always only aggre to it but doesn't say what he thinks about it.

What got me really concerned was, there were 2 different occasions where I asked him to pray, once for food, and once for my birthday. He adamantly refused to pray. I understand that not everyone has the gift of prayer, or they might be embarrassed to pray in public. But this put a heavy weight in my heart. I felt disappointed and somehow lost a bit of my feelings towards him.

I prayed about it and I'm planning to talk to him pretty soon. We've only been dating for a few months, is it too early for me to make these judgements? At the same time, I feel bit guilty because i felt like I'm judging his relationship with God. I thought maybe it's best if I stop seeing him, but what if he's willing to learn/change? I'm firm on not marrying a lukewarm Christian but I also feel that it's unfair if I don't give him a chance.

TLDR: lukewarm boyfriend doesn't seem like hes passionate about God.

Jesus advised people to pray in private.

Matthew 6:5 “When you pray, you shall not be as the hypocrites, for they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen by men. Most certainly, I tell you, they have received their reward. 6 But you, when you pray, enter into your inner room, and having shut your door, pray to your Father who is in secret; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you openly. 7 In praying, don’t use vain repetitions as the Gentiles do; for they think that they will be heard for their much speaking. 8 Therefore don’t be like them, for your Father knows what things you need before you ask him.” (WEB)

You may want to test his knowledge of Christian morals. That is more important than showing people you pray. Not sure why people call themselves Christian, then refuse to get vaccinated.

 

[dzheremi]

Hi, Krnauau. Welcome to CF. I hope you find good fellowship and advice here.

I wasn't going to reply to the advice-seeking aspect of this thread, since you said you were looking for Christian women's views on this and I'm not one of those, but the part about your BF being reticent to pray reminded me of a little incident that happened to me at a sandwich shop in Albuquerque, NM, shortly before I moved away from there, so I thought I might share it:

I was close enough to moving away that I didn't buy groceries for that last week or so when I lived there, so I found myself frequenting a lot of cheap restaurants instead. Thankfully for me, Albuquerque has a lot of those. So I was at a sandwich shop one day around mid-day, getting some lunch by myself and just kind of in my own world, and when the employee brought over my sandwich, I thanked them and after they had walked away I started to inaudibly pray over my food, since that's what I was raised to do and what Coptic Orthodox people do before eating. I didn't really think anything more of it, since it's just a short, customary prayer and it wasn't even out loud, and I didn't have my eyes open for it or anything (since it's better not to invite thoughts like "I wonder if I look holy doing this?" by taking in everything around you while you're supposed to focus on God). When I had just finished crossing myself and picked up my sandwich to take the first bite, I felt someone tap me on the shoulder. I turned to see a young man, maybe mid-20s or so, who said "Excuse me, sir, but I just wanted to let you know that I saw you praying over your food here just now, and it really moved me. I didn't know anyone did that anymore, but obviously someone in your life raised you right." (I didn't know this guy, but yes, indeed she did! At least with regard to this.)

I was pretty flustered thinking that someone had noticed me, so I just said "Thank you" and went back to my sandwich, when I swear to you the young man pulled money out of his wallet and said "Please, can I pay for your meal?" I declined, but he insisted, and not wishing to make a scene I relented after 3 more turns or so, thanked him, and then finally got to take the first bite out of my sandwich.

Now I know the holy scripture cited above me by dqhall, so I really didn't feel comfortable with this at all. The young man had already left, and I wasn't sure if anyone else had seen the exchange, so I just paid for my meal with the money when the bill came, and left all the leftover money (again, food is cheap in Abq) as a tip for the server.

I've thought about this interaction more than a couple of times in the six years since it happened, and now I kind of try to 'read the room' a bit if I'm in a situation where I feel like others might take note of my praying publicly. I still do so inaudibly, but in light of this story, I have since shortened the pre-meal prayer considerably (not that it was terribly long before; just a relatively conventionalized preamble of sorts modeled on what I've heard priests pray over the Agape meal before we eat it in church, followed by the Our Father).

I'm by no means ashamed to either pray in public or do anything else to show my faith in public (though I've often found myself getting into arguments with people from church about what is and isn't appropriate to talk about in a given venue, I think that's more a cultural thing; I'm not Egyptian, so I don't come from a society where it is literally illegal to publicly proselytize, and so I'm not as gung-ho about trying to talk to people in the checkout line at the supermarket or whatever), but things like this event that happened at the sandwich shop have given me pause and ample cause for reflection. It seems reasonable to me that perhaps your BF may have come to a similar place by his own means, though I agree with anna~grace that this is something you might want to talk to him about to see what exactly his thoughts or hangups are.

 

[seeking.IAM]

I encourage you to evaluate the big picture of a potential partner's pros and cons. Some people just aren't ever going to be comfortable praying in front of others or be comfortable sharing private thoughts about their faith. I've been married to one of them for 48 years.

There are some church-going, Bible-thumping, silver-tounged pray-ers out there who can otherwise be real jerks and lousy partners. I know finding a Godly partner is high on your priority list so by all means search for it. But, take your time, evaluate carefully, and look at the totality of the picture. Time can answer a lot of questions.

 

[The Narrow Way]

You are seeing CAUTION FLAGS for a reason. If I were you, I'd kindly explain to him what you see, and wish him well, but leave...don't take a chance of him trying to convince you that you read him wrong.... God has given you a good head on your shoulders....and you need to listen to the voice of conscience. Don't waste time on someone who is not truly dedicated. I've been married 41 years to a wonderful God-fearing man, I'm very blessed....but I have few friends who can say the same thing.

 

[ripple the car]

It is also possible that he’s from a Christian background wherein people don’t pray spontaneously much. Or, who are a bit shier about vocalizing faith.

Evangelicals can be very vocal, loud, social, and extroverted about their faith. That’s not a bad thing or a good thing; it’s just a cultural difference. Other traditions are quieter. Is he from a Christian tradition different from your own? Again, something to ask him about.

You guys may just have different ways of expressing your faith. Either way, talk to him. If you are looking for a Christian husband who is enthusiastic and vocal in the same ways you are, that’s something to think about as you talk with him. My husband and I are kind of opposites. We’re still married.

 

[Sophrosyne]

There was a time when peer pressure and a better social acceptance was related to "saying" you are Christian and to many just being good and doing the right things and going to church made you a Christian. A lot of these people never truly accepted Jesus (were not saved) but prayed when things got too bad but if you ask them what the Gospel was they wouldn't truly know.
Both men and women will pretend to be what the other person is seeking in order to win them over. I've talked to people who married someone based upon either the lie or promise they would be or act a certain way but in the end it was a ruse to get what they wanted.

Some people think that saying you are a Christian makes you more virtuous or good. I have a friend that married a preachers daughter against my advice and later divorced her because she promised things prior to marriage and didn't carry through with them causing him to go into great debt over it all.

It is often hard to ascertain if someone is truly a Christian or not as to many they don't truly know what the word/concept means at all. Jesus himself said that many will do great things in his name but in the end he will tell them "I never knew you".

My advice is to back off thinking of this guy as marriage material entirely. Take a stance that he isn't saved, not a Christian and see if his actions prove otherwise. If someone wants to get married they need to make sure, very sure that the person who they marry is truly the person that they are professing to be. Too many divorces are because of the lies told before marriage that come to light afterwards.

 

[timf]

From what you describe, it sounds like even if he were some sort of marginal Christian, he would not be the pro active leader of the home you might be desiring.

The process of mate selecting for a Christian should have two parts. The first should be the time spent getting to know each other at a level past the superficial. If during this process either party discovers the other is not well suited, a break can be made with less chance of hurt feelings. This part should be entered by both with the expectation that things probably won't work out but just getting to know another person can be a good way to make friends.

The second part would be what is more commonly referred to as courtship. This is a process of families getting to know each other as well.

It sounds like you discoveries in part one are sufficient to exclude a part two.

 

[Bobber]

He said he doesn't want to go to church due to covid (said he's scared of giving covid to his unvaxxed mom), but he goes to watch football games where thousands of people attend.

Well maybe you can tell him they're having a free draw once a week at church giving away tickets to ball games. He might even want to go then to morning and night services.

I understand that not everyone has the gift of prayer, or they might be embarrassed to pray in public. But this put a heavy weight in my heart. I felt disappointed and somehow lost a bit of my feelings towards him.

That's because you're seeing your potential future. You're seeing things that tell you although you like him you might not be compatible in being together. You have certain standards and expectations of the type of person you REALLY want. I think you're pretty much there in answering your own question.

 

[Gregory Thompson]

Whenever I brought up something about faith and God, he'd always only aggre to it but doesn't say what he thinks about it.

So if the man is not lukewarm, does that mean he'll lead the house like in the scriptures?

I'm trying to grasp what is meant by lukewarm.

 

[GreekOrthodox]

If he is reluctant to pray out loud or in public, I don't consider that a problem. Nor is everyone going to be in the same place on their journey. As a chanter, I'm used to singing solo in front of hundreds of people and I'm not at all bothered by a crowd. If you put me on the spot to come up with some spontaneous prayer, you're going to get crickets. I've got a few short prayers that are memorized but I'm not one who can come up with stuff on the spot.

 

[Krnauau]

Hi everyone, OP here.

I talked to him and he said he knew I was eventually going to bring this up. He felt bad about refusing to pray, since he knew how important it is God & faith for me.
He said he used to feel close to God, but somehow drifted away. He also mentioned this might be because he does not have a Christian community he can grow with. I asked him if he's willing to build a God-centered relationship with me and he said he'd want to, but maybe needs just a little push. Although I couldn't say that I'm convinced that this is 100% how he feels, for now I am willing to help him rekindle his relationship with God and give our relationship more time.

Thank you all so much for the valuable advices.

 

[BobRyan]

...I asked him if he's willing to build a God-centered relationship with me and he said he'd want to, but maybe needs just a little push.

aside from getting him to attend church with you - consider this "little push" - a devotional time spent looking at the life of Christ. Just click the blue link below.

... See if he is open to being converted to Christ.

There is a free online world-class commentary on the life of Christ that is very easy to read and spiritually uplifting - called "The Desire of Ages".

The Desire of Ages

See if he will agree to read it out loud with you - (taking turns reading). And you start reading. Just a page or two at a time. You volunteer to pray at the start of each reading. Try that for 15 minutes each time - and give it a month or two.

As you start out - try to think of at least one interesting observation or question that interests you about the life of Christ info you get from the book. ....