Dating a luke-warm Christian

[Olyvia]

I don't want to bore you with the backstory details. We are both in our early twenties, dating two years, a lot in common except, I don't think I've seen him talk about Christ on his own except a few times. He is saved (yay) but not practicing. However, I'm a little rusty myself. I seem to have a longing more than he does though. I want a
Leader for a husband... it may be a bit early and detrimental to say things like this but it's kind of lonely spiritually right now. He is ALWAYS open to bible reading together, studying, praying together, church... but why am I always initiating it? Again, I don't want to give an impression that God is never on his mind and he doesn't direct me towards Him... but I seem to be there all the time, every day, and he's just... not. Is that what a lukewarm Christian means? I would consider myself one because I have put God on the back burner for years and now that I am mentally healthy and returning to Him, I want to run to Him.

Pick my brain. I love this man. However, when I think about marrying him, I feel anxiety. I know that's probably obvious to y'all that it's another red flag but what if I am giving up? How can I really know Gods will for me? What should I do or say to him? I don't want to push him away or be a poor witness. It's not even that he's not a Christian...

The thing is... I have a brother in Christ who really understands me on a spiritual level. He initiates going to church, praying together, growing in Christ, and supports me in all of these things, deeming it as the most important thing. I could see myself marrying a man like that.

However, I could see myself marrying a man like my boyfriend too. Please forgive me for the spewing and if it doesn't make sense, I'll clarify. It's kind of surreal and scary I'm even considering breaking up... everything is perfect, except I want to love God with him. Help help help

 

[S.O.J.I.A.]

He is saved (yay) but not practicing.

if he's saved then why isn't he 'practicing'?

 

[Jane_Doe]

Have you asked him why he doesn't initiate? Is he bored? Uncertain? Have you otherwise talked to him about your concerns?

 

[~Anastasia~]

First things first - if you have ANY thoughts about another man, now is NOT the time to think about getting married. Marriage should be for life. I know it often isn't, but there is no point going into it setting ourselves up for failure.

And you're both young. Give yourselves time. You are both going to grow and change in various ways. Maybe good ways - hopefully. But it's tragic to marry someone who then grows into someone you shouldn't have married.

If this is the man you are dating, and so considering marriage, why don't you talk to him about expectations, hopes, needs? Communicate clearly, honestly, openly. Our roles in marriage are to HELP one another. No one should sit back and wait on the other one and hope he/she turns out to be what we want them to.

But with that said, you are responsible for YOU. You should do all you can to help your husband's faith and relationship with God, but in the end, he has to do for himself and you have to do for yourself. Don't set yourself up before marriage expecting to change someone.

Pursue God, work on your own spiritual maturity, pray, give it time, help your boyfriend as you can ... and be open at this point. Because you bring up another man, I'm very concerned about the idea of commitment. I really think you should hold back on that part until you are sure.

You have my prayer. God be with you.

 

[dayhiker]

I'm of the mind that this is a good topic for you to talk with your BF about. I know personally, I did a lot of thinking about God and those thought thru issues changed my life and how I live my Christian life. But I'm still not too good about initiating things with others.

 

[fishyjoe]

I don't want to bore you with the backstory details. We are both in our early twenties, dating two years, a lot in common except, I don't think I've seen him talk about Christ on his own except a few times. He is saved (yay) but not practicing. However, I'm a little rusty myself. I seem to have a longing more than he does though. I want a
Leader for a husband... it may be a bit early and detrimental to say things like this but it's kind of lonely spiritually right now. He is ALWAYS open to bible reading together, studying, praying together, church... but why am I always initiating it? Again, I don't want to give an impression that God is never on his mind and he doesn't direct me towards Him... but I seem to be there all the time, every day, and he's just... not. Is that what a lukewarm Christian means? I would consider myself one because I have put God on the back burner for years and now that I am mentally healthy and returning to Him, I want to run to Him.

Pick my brain. I love this man. However, when I think about marrying him, I feel anxiety. I know that's probably obvious to y'all that it's another red flag but what if I am giving up? How can I really know Gods will for me? What should I do or say to him? I don't want to push him away or be a poor witness. It's not even that he's not a Christian...

The thing is... I have a brother in Christ who really understands me on a spiritual level. He initiates going to church, praying together, growing in Christ, and supports me in all of these things, deeming it as the most important thing. I could see myself marrying a man like that.

However, I could see myself marrying a man like my boyfriend too. Please forgive me for the spewing and if it doesn't make sense, I'll clarify. It's kind of surreal and scary I'm even considering breaking up... everything is perfect, except I want to love God with him. Help help help

I think your expectations are a wee bit too high.

 

[evoeth]

I want a
Leader for a husband... it may be a bit early and detrimental to say things like this but it's kind of lonely spiritually right now. He is ALWAYS open to bible reading together, studying, praying together, church... but why am I always initiating it?

First thing's first, you will not get everything you want in a partner.
Second thing, many of the qualities you think your partner has are probably illusions or projections unless you've known this person for many, many years.
No matter who you marry, there will be some form of disappointment or awkward revelation.

That said, you have to decide how important his religion is to your relationship. What's his religion do for your relationship? What do his other qualities do for your relationship? Is his religious leadership really that important a quality? How would you know how important it is, since as you've implied you haven't had a partner with this quality? Could it be you're over-idealizing this quality?

Pick my brain. I love this man. However, when I think about marrying him, I feel anxiety. I know that's probably obvious to y'all that it's another red flag but what if I am giving up? How can I really know Gods will for me? What should I do or say to him? I don't want to push him away or be a poor witness. It's not even that he's not a Christian...

You're not going to change him. The easiest person to change is you, so you have to decide that lacking a strong religious commitment is such a deal killer that you don't want to change and try to accept it.

The thing is... I have a brother in Christ who really understands me on a spiritual level. He initiates going to church, praying together, growing in Christ, and supports me in all of these things, deeming it as the most important thing. I could see myself marrying a man like that.

However, I could see myself marrying a man like my boyfriend too. Please forgive me for the spewing and if it doesn't make sense, I'll clarify. It's kind of surreal and scary I'm even considering breaking up... everything is perfect, except I want to love God with him. Help help help

Everything is great but this? You agree on kids, how many, when? You have similar financial goals? Workable career goals? Your families get along OK? You have similar sex drives? If so, if everything is great but this, then I strongly recommend you accept that religious perfection just won't happen and marry him.

 

[~Anastasia~]

Much of what you say is sound advice. But with all due respect, you are an atheist, telling a Christian to overlook the importance of spiritual agreement between marriage partners? I would submit that you might not understand how important this can be ...

Peace to you, though. And it is kind of you to wish to help.

First thing's first, you will not get everything you want in a partner.
Second thing, many of the qualities you think your partner has are probably illusions or projections unless you've known this person for many, many years.
No matter who you marry, there will be some form of disappointment or awkward revelation.

That said, you have to decide how important his religion is to your relationship. What's his religion do for your relationship? What do his other qualities do for your relationship? Is his religious leadership really that important a quality? How would you know how important it is, since as you've implied you haven't had a partner with this quality? Could it be you're over-idealizing this quality?



You're not going to change him. The easiest person to change is you, so you have to decide that lacking a strong religious commitment is such a deal killer that you don't want to change and try to accept it.



Everything is great but this? You agree on kids, how many, when? You have similar financial goals? Workable career goals? Your families get along OK? You have similar sex drives? If so, if everything is great but this, then I strongly recommend you accept that religious perfection just won't happen and marry him.

 

[evoeth]

With respect I did try to clarify twice that the OP needs to assess how important religious leadership is in her partner. In recommending she marry I am not suggesting that she overlook this quality, but that if everything else really is fine, then she's way ahead of many other relationships.

 

[~Anastasia~]

With respect I did try to clarify twice that the OP needs to assess how important religious leadership is in her partner. In recommending she marry I am not suggesting that she overlook this quality, but that if everything else really is fine, then she's way ahead of many other relationships.

Yes, that may be true. And I acknowledged you made good points, which you did.

But ... well, I don't wish to argue. It seems this is an important thing to the OP. As I agree it should be. And while we might get 99 other ducks to line up properly, making us "ahead" of a typical marriage which might have only 60 of its ducks in row ... that one lone issue can still outweigh many others, making things not quite so perfect as they might seem.

Not always. I know one strong fairly newly Christian woman with an unbelieving spouse who is otherwise a good man, and she is fairly satisfied. I've heard of a couple of others.

But I've more often seen what looks like a poorer prospect, yet one with strong and matching faith, serve in both partners to strengthen and benefit the marriage to be far better with some maturing.

I will say it's worth considering VERY carefully. Choice of a marriage partner is not a decision you want to regret later. Especially if children are born.

But I'm not wishing to be disagreeable with you. I just find it a very important consideration, and the OP seems to think so as well, and I'm not sure it's one that can be appreciated in the same way by an unbeliever. I really do mean you no unkindness in saying that.

 

[Dave-W]

Not always. I know one strong fairly newly Christian woman with an unbelieving spouse who is otherwise a good man, and she is fairly satisfied. I've heard of a couple of others.

But I've more often seen what looks like a poorer prospect, yet one with strong and matching faith, serve in both partners to strengthen and benefit the marriage to be far better with some maturing.

On the surface and in the natural that sometimes does work out (a christian being married to an unbeliever). But what happens when the believing spouse gets called (or dragged) into open spiritual warfare? How can the unbelieving spouse (not having the Ephesians 6 armor) not fall under the attack?

 

[~Anastasia~]

On the surface and in the natural that sometimes does work out (a christian being married to an unbeliever). But what happens when the believing spouse gets called (or dragged) into open spiritual warfare? How can the unbelieving spouse (not having the Ephesians 6 armor) not fall under the attack?

Oh, I wasn't prescribing it. I was simply allowing to our friend that it is possible, as a means of respecting the poster, but I in no way would suggest such a thing. If it seemed I was, then I thank you for the opportunity to correct myself.

And the situations I know of, the couple married as unbelievers, but one became Christian. That puts one in such a position by default. We don't divorce because we find faith. So ... hopefully the believing spouse will be some protection for the non-believing one. I don't really know. We do the best we can in a less than ideal situation.

But the OP is asking BEFORE getting married. And it's not the same situation, since the boyfriend appears to be a believer, just perhaps not a very committed one?

 

[CCHIPSS]

You have to first find out why he believes and then grew so cold to God. What is going on?

Is it because the church is boring? There is a calling to be in a "dead" and boring church. That is to give it life and growth again. However since you are both so young and so young in your faith, I am sorry but this probably isn't your calling.

As for "church loyalty", you have to be loyal to God and loyal to your partner first. If your partner is falling away in faith with the current church, I am sorry but you have to try a different church. It just aren't working for him.

There are indeed bad churches. Not all churches are made equal. Some more dead and some are alive. Some are boring and some are interesting. Some are dying and some are growing. Some are filled by judgement and some are filled by love.

I suggest you guys go try a Seeker Sensitive church. Just avoid those that are about Prosperity Gospel. I suggest North Point Ministries. They really helped me understand the core issue: Loving God and loving my neighbours. Once you get this down, you can perhaps seek another pastor for deeper theology. But seek love first since that is the most important trait of a Christian.

Here is a map:
North Point Strategic Partners | Creating churches that unchurched people love to attend.