damaged goods

[Ioustinos]

 

[BigToe]

Shawna- I am gonna keep finding your threads on here so you can know I love ya girl. You are 100% right on target- life sucks hard core. Bad things happen to good people, without any explination as to why. And life always seems to kick you when you are down. I haven't felt this way for 20 years, but its definately consumed me the past year or two. Its hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, or if there is an end at all. But I know you are better than this junk that is happening to you. You haven't asked for it. You certainly do not deserve it. I don't think its God doing it to you or punishing you by any means. That is not the God I believe in anyway.

I read this book once, Where is God When it Hurts? I think Philip Yancey wrote it. (I totally butchured his name sorry). Anyway he talked about pain as a blessing. Kind of a warning system that something isn't right. (He went on about people with Leopracy not feeling pain and that is why they have to have limbs amputated.) Anyway, I think he is onto something there. You are hurting so much BECAUSE something isn't right.

I so wish I could be there for you in person. I know what its like to really need someone, anyone, so desperately and not be able to find anyone there. Its like an extra stab in the back when you are already feeling broken. And I mean it, I am here for you if you ever need me. Feel free to PM me, I have AIM and MSN if you have those. I'd evem PM you my phone number if you wanted to go that route.

I wish I had some magic words to make everything just fall into place and be happy. Heck, I wish I could find them for my own messed up world as well. And Shawna, when I find them, you will be the first person I share them with. I love you dear, stay the beautiful soul you are.

 

[urbanfaerie]

thanx everyone

u all are too sweet, its overwelming, my first instinct is to run from this..

thats what i do best..run.

my heads too cloudy to make ne sense, or respond decently. i'm sorry. just wanted to say thank you. even if it was lies, it meant more thenu could imagine to me.

 

[BigToe]

now why would we lie to you?

i know when you are upset and depressed its really hard to take a compliment or hear something nice. and its even harder to believe that things are gonna be ok. but just keep holdin on. you're a superhero in my book

 

[wvmtnkid]

No lies here, girlie. You are loved! By God and by us here in this thread and on this board. I guess we will just have to keep telling you that until you believe it!

 

[Rosa Mystica]

As a general rule I never lie. In fact, I am quite known for my bluntness. If I had wanted to say something nasty, I would have. However, considering that I'm not a callous person, I don't even have the inclination to do this.

Hang in there, Shawna. You are loved.

Rosa

 

[Risen Tree]

Shawna,

We will not let you fail.
We will not let you fall away.
We are going to see you through this hard time.
We are your friends for as long as Christianforums is up and running--which, judging by the way things are, should be for a very, very long time.

 

[MakeMeAServant]

Why would a God who cares about us let bad things (like being abused as a child when we had no control over the abuser) happen to people who want to believe in Him? There are probably several reasons, starting with God gave us each the ability to choose whether we want to live life by God's laws or to sin, and unfortunately all of us have chosen to sin at some time or other in life. I am not saying that you brought punishment on yourself when you were only 3 years old; I am saying that I think someone most likely abused/hurt you very badly when you were young because he/she chose to sin against God (even if it was your mother telling you that you were too fat; God tells us to love one another and edify each other, not to put each other down; although I suspect you might have suffered much worse abuse to have suffered from this problem for so long). As long as we live on this earth, we all will feel the effects of sin - like pain in childbirth, toiling for our livelihoods, pain from a criminal raping us, etc. The good news is that Jesus died for us because He loved us so much so that no matter what effects/consequences of sin we have to suffer through, there is always a way of spiritual escape. You just haven't found it yet but it is out there, and the answer is in God because He will reveal the truth to you if you let Him. I used to have an eating disorder too - I weighed 85 pounds until I was in college and still about 95 pounds when I was about 25. I know what you mean when you think 102 pounds is FAT. It's not, but that is because your perspective of yourself is severely skewed (by the way, that is a symptom that alot of victims of abuse have; low self-esteem and skewed perspectives of themselves; alot of them have eating disorders because they want to punish themselves for not being good enough to have escaped the abuse; they think somehow the abuse must have been their fault, etc.).

I also believe that God takes control even over the effects of sin (like you having an eating disorder) at a certain point because the Bible says He will work EVERYTHING out for GOOD for those who love God. God lets evil things happen not just because He gave men and women a choice/free will, but also because trials test our faith, make us stronger Christians, or cause us to get our lives right with Christ - like my grandfather who gave his life to Christ during a tornado that crushed his chest and killed his mother; he gave praise to God until he died nearly 60 years later for that tornado because it caused him to be so desperate that he had to let go of his life and give it to God. When God lets us go through trials (Satan is the one doing the destroying evil things; not God), He also uses those things for good in our lives to allow us to minister to others who are going through the same things.

You are not hurting yourself for no reason at all; it is very likely that you were abused/hurt by someone else earlier in your life and are now suffering the physical and mental effects of that abuse and have just not gotten the right kind of help yet (it is extremely hard to bring yourself to get help much less find resources that work). It took me about 13 years to recognize that I had an eating disorder and to correct it, but I have through the grace of God. The last time I screamed at God was 2 days ago, so you can see that it does take alot of time to completely heal from 20+ years of abuse from others and/or ourselves, but every time I yell at God for answers now (kind of like how Job did when he was suffering and he couldn't figure out why) I know in my heart that I am just raging temporarily and that I still trust God to work out everything for good in my life - AND HE DOES!

I recommend that you see a Christian counselor or pastor who is trained and certified in counseling people with eating disorders; if you have already, you might not have seen the right person that you felt comfortable really opening up to. If you have suffered any abuse that you can recall, even if it seems little and piddly at the time, it is important to talk about it; that may be the root of your problem and if you cut the flower off the weed (try to get over your eating disorder) without pulling the weed out by the root (without uncovering and dealing with your past abuse), you will probably never get rid of the eating problem.

God wants you - more than anything - to come to Him and just trust Him; He WILL HEAL YOU. I promise you I have seen Jesus put lives that were MUCH more broken than yours back together again (including mine); those people are walking miracles because they didn't give up on God. Talk to God. Tell Him how angry you are and why and let Him explain to you why He let it happen (He may not tell you in specifics, but He has told me exactly why sometimes and left me with a general answer sometimes; either way it gives me peace that I didn’t go through that hell for no reason); I've done it many times and God answers back. He is the most gentle spirit I have ever met. Moreover, much to my surprise and disbelief at first, Jesus was with me through every crisis I ever had; sometimes looking back I realize I was the one who pushed Him away because I just wasn't ready yet to tackle confronting the abuse I had gone through or I was feeling so guilty (sometimes even irrationally) that I felt like I couldn't even be in the same room with Jesus.

Jesus loves you. He knows what you are going through and He can change your life completely from what it is now. If you want to know more about abuse and its crippling mental, physical, and spiritual effects on lives (including how it can spawn eating disorders and self-esteem issues) and how to heal from abuse, I suggest that you consult a Christian counselor or pastor and read a few books on abuse and healing from it (like Door of Hope by Jan Frank; you can visit Christian Healing Ministries on the web located in Jacksonville, FL for more resources if you are unsure how to proceed; I have used them before and they are really good). Don't give up - I harmed my body probably much worse than you did yours by starving myself, working extremely hard, never getting but 1-2 hours of sleep, etc. for many years and I have had extremely bad physical problems for the last 10 years (in addition to emotional problems), but God is finally starting to heal those problems when doctors could not even understand what was wrong or what to do. Turn your life over to Jesus right now and He has promised to make you a new person including your heart. I believe He will take care of the problems you and others may have caused yourself because HE IS AN AWESOME GOD and someday you will actually look back and praise Him for the stuff you went through (as I am mostly able to do now) because He has worked things out so well and you can minister to others. Please let me know if I can be of any further help to you.

 

[urbanfaerie]

i do talk to God. he just isn't there for me, as he is for everyone else.

yea, ur right. what i been thru is no comparison to what u been thru or anyone else. my problems don't matter. as i don't matter. my apologies for reaching out. what was i thinking.

102 pounds is FAT

thanx for that. i knew this tho. i shall work on being more ****ed up then u were.

 

[BigToe]

shawna you know thats not what people meant. and if it is i will beat them up. i think they meant they've been there and life gets better- to try and give you hope. it is not fair nor healthy to compare your sufferings to someone else's. your problems do too matter- you are dealing with them. of course it hurts. don't try to discredit your feelings. don't let someone else try to make them void. they are legit and they hurt. you will be ok, you will survive- its just gonna take time and energy- neither of which you feel like you have right now- i know. but i am here for you.

 

[MakeMeAServant]

Shawna,
I wouldn't have hurt your feelings or made you feel worse for anything in the world. I just wanted you not to be worried that you had harmed your body past anything that is fixable when you are so young. And I never meant that just because I have suffered those things that your suffering doesn't matter to me or to God. Your suffering is real and extremely painful I am sure. You have a right to feel angry. But my point was that God can heal you. If a person as weak and stupid as me can get through this type of pain, you can do it too. I just wanted to encourage you to keep on.

 

[TheOriginalWhitehorse]

i do talk to God. he just isn't there for me, as he is for everyone else.

yea, ur right. what i been thru is no comparison to what u been thru or anyone else. my problems don't matter. as i don't matter. my apologies for reaching out. what was i thinking.

[/font]

thanx for that. i knew this tho. i shall work on being more ****ed up then u were.

Sure-He's there for you. He is the one behind this outpouring of Christian support. But an important thing to remember is, God gives us a certain amount of control over our circumstances. But at this stage in life, people are expected to take on a world of responsibility with very little life experience to run on. And I truly believe that is one of the chiefest reasons why so may people between the ages of 14 and 30 are so depressed.

God works in His providence, but we have to learn how to use the amount of control He gives us. Like the disconnection with Ed you were talking about. And when you said you worried that if you weren't feeling this way, people wouldn't care anymore. What this tells me is that there is so much hope you don't see. I think one major step in the way of your healing is to re-adjust the false perceptions that abuse gives us about the way we connect with people.

And difficulty in this area is just one manifestation of early abuse. With the Lord's help, this thing can be worked out so it won't be a problem. You have a lot of support here-please take advantage of it.

Your future looks very, very bright. If you can't see it yet, just trust in the Lord. Let's talk this thing out. And soon enough, you'll see it too. I'm proud of you.

 

[urbanfaerie]

no, i'm sory. i was just being a *****. twisting words n all, i figure if i can get someone who was once my best friend to hate, me, i can be a punk up i here and have the rest the world hating me as well. its hard for me to accept there are nice ppl out there. cuz all around me, i run ino the not so nice ones..heh..including myself. i now u all are warm hearted, and real and whatnot.. it just that, its hard for me to understand why, i can't comprehend the generiosity and loving atmosphere i've run across on here. i mean, in my world, that just don't exist. so i figure if i shake it off, turn into the snake, the cold hearted ***** i really am, i can go back to being that hopeless case,who had no reason to shine, no reason to live, and every reason to hate. i've grown alot since i came to CF, alot of ppl here hve really helped me see things differntly. and yea, i gotta admit, that new light, its scary. what if it trns out tobe untrue..lies? and in he end, more pain comes out of it. i just figure i'd shut that out 'fore it progressed.

its late, and i had a long nite, i'm not making sense. .

i'm sorry, makemeaservant, as u prolly know. numbers trigger ppl with an ED. me being very competitive, i saw the #'s..and pretty much lost it. which makes me a hypocrit, cuz i posted my own stat..but mine was healthy. healthy = fat. fat= unnoticed. i want to be noticed. 85 or less gets noticed. i'm not noticed. east not by the one who counts.

but it was no reason for me to lash outlike that. i really do feel bad. this may come out completly fake, but i noticed ur newbie here, wanted to at least welcome ya to CF. there are a lotta great ppl on here, i'm just not one of em. i feel awful, one of ur first encounters on here was a *****. i'd blame my state of mind, but thats a sorry cop out. truth be told, i just suck

Your future looks very, very bright. If you can't see it yet, just trust in the Lord. Let's talk this thing out.

talk about what?

thats my problem, i sit in T twice a week. i get tired of rehashing my past, or current emotions, so i sit there n toy with play-doe, or hug the pooh bear she gave me. and avoid the awful truth. talking hurts. feelings hurt. its better not to feel, thats what i want, to not have to feel. emotions suck. its easier for me to push it aside, put it away. i've been doing so, and for awhile there i was doing great. i get out, i do things. i'm social. i act n behave like a normal person my age should. but why do i still feel so empty?

it never goes away.

it just hurts. life just hurts.

pain is inevitable, wether i do it to myself, or someone does it to me, its goingto happen. i'd rather i brang it on my own self. i don't like letting ppl hurt me more then i do myself. thats not something, i'm used to. but its happening again. just like when i was too lil to understand, and i'm just the dumbass tolerate it..and even need it.

pathetic twit i am.





i don't kknow what my deal is.

 

[wvmtnkid]

thats my problem, i sit in T twice a week. i get tired of rehashing my past, or current emotions, so i sit there n toy with play-doe, or hug the pooh bear she gave me. and avoid the awful truth. talking hurts. feelings hurt. its better not to feel, thats what i want, to not have to feel. emotions suck. its easier for me to push it aside, put it away.

but why do i still feel so empty?

it never goes away.

it just hurts. life just hurts.

Shawna-
Perhaps I am misunderstanding what you are saying, so call me on it if I am but maybe the reason the pain isn't going away is because you aren't dealing with it completely when you go to your therapy sesssions. You say in your post that you avoid the truth and you put it aside. Hon, sometimes the only way to beat down the pain is to deal with it head on, as painful as that may seem. You don't have to do it all at once. Baby steps is ok. But as long as you don't confront the truth of what causes your pain and deal with it and claim a victory over it, it is always going to be there, just under the surface, sucking the joy from your life.

Let me give you an example of what I am talking about from my own life. I was in therapy several years ago. My life had basically fallen apart. I was depressed and didn't really care whether I lived or died. But, I had gotten very good at hiding my pain from others. I couldn't stand the thought of someone pitying me. I couldn't stand the thought of worrying my family. So I suffered in silence. But, I came to a point where I personally accepted the fact that I needed help, so I started going to a therapist. I had gotten so good at hiding my pain, it was months before the therapist actually seen how much I was hurting. She finally realized one day that I was wearing a mask everytime I came into therapy and told me that if I didn't stop hiding my pain, she wasn't going to be able to help me deal with what was causing the depression. It was then that I finally started letting out my pain and letting go. It wasn't easy, and I went through more pain. But, finally I was able to be free. It was like a burden was being lifted off of my life! And I was able to see the love of God clearly again. Through all of this, I thought God hated me. He loved everyone else in the world but me. He helped everyone else but me, because I didn't deserve it. That is all lies of depression. Once it is gone and the pain is gone, you will be able to things more clearly, even God's love and faithfulness.

I hope Shawna there will be a day that you will truly be able to believe the love that is shared with you here and accept it for what it is. It is true and honest. No one here is lying to you. You are loved by us and by God. Just hold on to that. If we didn't love you, we wouldn't be talking with you. We wouldn't care what you did. But we do. We are here. I really feel God led you to CF for a reason. If He didn't care for you, He wouldn't have done that either.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

You know shawna, I think you're a pretty cool girl with a good sense of humor and a good head on her shoulders.
Damage is stuff you've been through in your life that you have to deal with and God knows you've got some damage to deal with.
But you're not damaged goods. you're pretty freaking cool is what.

 

[Sephania]

You have touched my heart so, please don't let anyone make you think that you arent' worth anything,that is what satan wants you to think, he wants us demeaned, to feel less, but remember that God created both man and woman in His image, if you believe in him then your body is the temple of the holy Spirit and you can't get any better than that!

you are his precious daughter, and always will be, just because your earthly father was used against you to hurt you, don't even think that Jesus wanted this to happen. He felt and still feels all your pain, he took on his body all the sin that was done against you and felt it then too. But you are a princess, that he loves dearly, please don't let ANYONE take that from you.

We have prayed for you over an hour ago. I couldn't post this till I had 100 posts so that is why it took me so long, but you will remain in our prayers, you have touched our hearts and we will continue to lift you up to the throne for total healing, of mind, body and your precious soul.

 

[MakeMeAServant]

Thanks for the welcome and apology (although I would still love and care about you even if you hadn't apologized; I blame the abuse that I'm pretty certain happened somewhere in your past for making you say that). Victims of abuse often push people away who want to help them, don't trust other people easily because they are afraid of getting hurt yet again, and/or don't believe they are worthy of being helped (even though they ironically crave attention and love). They are usually afraid people will think they are a bad or stupid person if they admit to being abused (not true; I know lawyers, nurses, computer engineers, pastors, tennis pros, etc who were victims of abuse). Most of all victims of abuse are deathly afraid of facing the pain and memories of abuse, which is why most of them never go to a counselor or admit they were abused to any friends/relatives (and I was the one advocating that you face that so you lashed out at me some; that's normal for victims to do; don't feel bad; I forgive you; I've gotten angry at lots of people who tried to help me before I made progress healing (although we’re not supposed to do that; see Eph 4:29-32); I'm reaching out to you because Jesus and Christians have shown me love and care that I did not deserve; I'm giving you alot of advice at one time so I can convince you now to consider the possibility that being a victim of abuse has triggered your problems so I can help you and direct you to others who can help you before it's too late).

Most victims just want to ignore the emotional problems they are having and hope they go away, and they may seem to go away for temporary periods of time but they usually resurface later over and over again (sometimes worse than before) until they are dealt with. The bad news is that you are not likely to heal if you never face the underlying problem of the abuse. The good news is I think you are getting ready to face this problem (even if you don't realize it). Actually, I think you are more intelligent and emotionally stronger than most victims because you already realize that there may be light at the end of the healing-process tunnel if you do choose to go through it and you also realize that to get to the other side where there is peace and joy you will have to wade through some very dark memories in the beginning of the tunnel. I know you dread it; I did too; so did every victim I know. It is hard. But going through that tunnel is worth it.

You have trained yourself to be numb to your feelings and to feel nothing (like most victims do) because you had to. In order to survive the abuse and keep minimally functioning in life, you had to stuff those excruciating emotions that stemmed from the abuse (like rage, anger, hurt) way down inside your soul (although sometimes now that they have festered it is way hard to not let them come bubbling up to the surface) until you could come to a point in your life where you were emotionally ready to deal with them (some people never get to that point and they also never truly heal). It seems to make victims really angry at themselves when it gets to the point where they cannot control their emotions (like their anger) enough to keep them inside anymore (maybe because that's one of the only things they feel they really ever had control over; they didn't have control over whether someone abused them), but that is also the point when they start to realize "Hey, there really is something wrong with me; I need to go get some help" (just like when part of your body starts hurting in order to clue you in that you need to see the doctor).

(Please keep in mind, I am just guessing that you were a victim of some type of emotional, physical, and/or sexual abuse. Abuse is not just being beat or raped; abuse can range from parental neglect like not feeding kids enough food to telling kids they wish they had never been born to molestation, being threatened with knives/guns, chaining kids in the basement, to a whole lot more things; people can be abused by a family member or a non-family member. Even abuse that happened to you that you disregard as little/piddly/inconsequential could be the source of your problems; I didn't realize for a lot of years that some of the abuse I went through was actually abuse or that it really mattered to me deep down inside. People can have other medical problems like hypothyroidism, chemical imbalances, bipolar disorder, etc that contribute to problems like depression/ED's/cutting/suicidal thoughts, etc (so you could check with a doctor/psychologist about those possible causes too), but most people who have suicidal thoughts, depression, cutting disorders, ED's, etc (those are just examples; I’m not saying you have all of them) were at one time victims of abuse and just haven't ever gone back and dealt with that abuse because it was too painful to think about.)

Please feel free to PM me anytime you feel like talking. I won't judge you, and I will help you all I can. Although it takes alot of courage, there is something liberating about telling someone else who sympathizes with you (not just repeating the scenes in your own head over and over) about what is really bothering you, and to hear someone say it was not your fault that you were abused (don’t talk to anyone about abuse who is not supportive and understanding to you).

The reason I broadcast my private life to so many people is not to brag about what I went through (or to say that no one else's suffering can compare to mine because I know there are people who have suffered far worse than I could ever imagine), but to convince those who are reading these messages (some of whom may be very close to suicide or to living a death sentence) that victims of abuse suffer things most people who have not been abused cannot ever imagine, not dealing with that abuse (or not dealing with it in the right manner) can damage you emotionally/
physically/sexually/spiritually, and that with God's help (and Christian counselors, resources, friends, etc.) you can get through it and actually heal.

In fact, God calls us to be children of the Light and to expose what has secretly been done in the darkness; God said that if we expose those things that happened with His Light that He will make what has taken place in the dark finally visible, and once those sins (or abuse that someone put you through) have been made visible He says, “Wake up, O sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.” (Eph 5:8-13). Although we Christians struggle with being blinded by Satan sometimes because of our earthly troubles and persecution, we are not abandoned or destroyed because God will let His Light shine in our hearts to guide us and He will turn that trouble we went through into “our eternal glory” (2 Corin. 4:1-16).

You're right, urbanfaerie. Pain is inevitable in life, but you could probably get out of alot of the pain you are going through if you are brave enough to take the right steps (I believe you are and that you want to heal deep down inside). I've seen you help others; you are a good person, Jesus loves you, and you deserve to heal and be happy. Remember when Jesus said He came to set the captives free? He was talking about you and me and others like us. And He can do it. Don't put your trust solely in medical science, people, counselors, pastors, friends, etc. Put your trust in Jesus; He never fails. And that is His Light at the end of the tunnel; you can trust it.

 

[pmarquette]

i'm supposed to be getting ready to go out. but as usual i'm having a hard time putting that 'everything is ok' mask on.
count it all as joy ... James 1.1
cuz nothing's ok. nothing ever was ok. nothing ever will be ok.
all will work out ... Genesis 50.20 , Romans 8.28
i can eat normally, i can do away with the hurting myself scene, i can pretend i'm better. but inside i know i'll always be damaged goods.
though your sins be as scarlet , the blood washes white as snow ... all the old is passed away , you are a new creation , all that remains is the memory of the dead person you used to be ...
my best friend, my only friend i really ever had, someone i could confide in, treats me like my father does.. and it hurts, cuz again this was a man i had trusted, and he took that trust, and has used it against me.
let he who lacks wisdom call on God ; ask for a new friend , seek ... Matthew 7.7 ... he will give you the desire of your heart
i feel... used and abused.
that's junk mail from the defeated one , under your feet ....
what made a perfectly good christian, turn on me like that? i just don't understand. i'll never understand, why it is this continueously happens to me. why do i attract slime? do i have a sign on my forhead that allows these ppl to friggin think they can run my life and walk all over me?
fear , conviction , jealousy , envy .... hurt , misunderstanding , offense...
satan and his lies within their mind....
hurt me..cuz thats all i'm good for. i'm just a toy.
no! you are fearfully and wonderfully made , the work of the potters hands , a vessel of honor , a jar of clay with the glory of t he universe within , a child of God , purposed for greatnes , a treasure to God who collects even your tears ....
i'm just damaged goods, and thats all i'll ever be.
come all you who are weary and heavily burdened , I will give you rest ; I , even I who restore your soul ( mind will emotions ) for My righteousness sake , call upon me & I will hear and answer you and put you in a higher place ... psalm 103 , 118.5
i have to see a cardiologist next week. my doctor suspects, when i was using ipecac and starving, that its ****ed up my heart. i'm eating normally now, and fattening up like a ****ing heifer, but that don't do a bit of good, i've already ruined my heart.. now its just worsening.
what you profess , will possess ... do you desire to be ruined ? Isaiah 53.3 , Matthew 8.17 ; 1 Peter 2.24 he has born all your sorrow , situations , circumstances , trials , griefs , sorrows , and by his stripes , past tense , you were healed ... if you were healed , are healed ... just receive what is yours in lay away in heaven , by faith ...
my scars. i havent self injured since christmas. which is really good for me. but my scars...they'll always be a reminder of how dirty and disgusting i am. i'll always have that visual reminder. ppl in my lab class have seen em. no-one asks, and i don't tell. but i'm sure i'm known as the freak. the retard.
will overcome by testimony - Rev. 12.11 share what god has / is / will do within you ( 3 John 1.2 ) with others ... be a barnabus ; speak to what should be Romans 4.17 .... believe can be .... 1 John 5.14
one girl, who hates me, she's always making snide remarks. she came into class with a magazine, with my picture and had asked me if it was me. since then she's hated me. i have the lowest weight in the class, and its always fluctuating. ppl are starting to make jokes that i have a eating disorder. heh..if they only knew how right on they were. but this one girl, she really pounds it on me. if i come in class eating cake, she'll yell outloud better watch out, shawna's bout to run to the bathroom. *****.
galatians 6.7 says what goes around , comes around ; psalms or proverbs says rejoice not in others trials , lest they come upon you ; paul says to pray for those who do evil to you Romans 18.21 and god will pour out hot coals of conviction upon their heads ...
i don't like to hate ppl..but she is really started to p.iss me off.
bless those who hate and spitefully use you .... break the hold of the evil that pulls their strings with your love and forgiveness .... 70 x 70 love
last week i stayed as far from the instructor as possible. but no matter how busy i'd act, or be, he'd make me someway or another come see him. i've given up. just let the ****er use me. i'm just a toy. time n time ppl have proven that to me again.
I bind this evil up in the name of Jesus , I loose you in Jesus name from this oppression and bind you to the covenant blessings and words of God , in Jesus' name .... no one has to put up with oppression , abuse , or demonic attacks ... no one ! God don't make Junk --- Ephesians 1. 5,11 you have a purpose , a position ... a job to do and authority to do it with !
i've just had enuff.
rbuke the devil , praise god , take a step of faith ....
it just seems this **** is never ending. i must deserve it, cuz it keeps happening. God don't love me, i'm unlovable.. thats why he allows it.
1 peter 1.7 ... for a little while ... though I walk through the valley of the shadow ... doesn't say take a tent , some balogna , and a coleman lantern and stay , does it ? Ps. 23
at nite when the rest of the world is sleeping, i sit down, and try to hold back tears..but i can't. they fall, like rain, every night.
Lord I lay this at your feet , I accept the work of the cross , I believe you love me , for you sent jesus to die for me .... I ask jesus into my heart , I ask for the comfort of the Holy Spirit , and a sense of purpose : to be wanted , needed , and appreciated ... I go to sleep in faith , knowing tommorrow will be better for you are with me ... Psalm 139
i get to thinking why do i even bother trying to get better. my whole life i;ve done nothing but destroy myself. here i am 20 yrs later trying to put the pieces back together again. its just useless. why get better? whats the use..
Philipians 4.13 , Matthew 19.26 all are possible through Christ Jesus , by God
why does God allow this? the answered why...
he hates me just as everyone else does.
situations , circumstances , bad company , bad decisions , lack of prayer , sin in our life , oppression by the evil one , lack of faith , a miracle waiting to happen ....
i'll always be damaged goods.
put me out of my misery

consider what I have written , look at 1 Peter 3.4 and what God thinks is special , what God spoke to Peter in acts 10 " what I have cleansed let no one make small " ; what paul said about those who are weak and insignificant .... on the top of God's loved most list ....

 

[daughter of the king]

Shawna-
Perhaps I am misunderstanding what you are saying, so call me on it if I am but maybe the reason the pain isn't going away is because you aren't dealing with it completely when you go to your therapy sesssions. You say in your post that you avoid the truth and you put it aside. Hon, sometimes the only way to beat down the pain is to deal with it head on, as painful as that may seem. You don't have to do it all at once. Baby steps is ok. But as long as you don't confront the truth of what causes your pain and deal with it and claim a victory over it, it is always going to be there, just under the surface, sucking the joy from your life.

Let me give you an example of what I am talking about from my own life. I was in therapy several years ago. My life had basically fallen apart. I was depressed and didn't really care whether I lived or died. But, I had gotten very good at hiding my pain from others. I couldn't stand the thought of someone pitying me. I couldn't stand the thought of worrying my family. So I suffered in silence. But, I came to a point where I personally accepted the fact that I needed help, so I started going to a therapist. I had gotten so good at hiding my pain, it was months before the therapist actually seen how much I was hurting. She finally realized one day that I was wearing a mask everytime I came into therapy and told me that if I didn't stop hiding my pain, she wasn't going to be able to help me deal with what was causing the depression. It was then that I finally started letting out my pain and letting go. It wasn't easy, and I went through more pain. But, finally I was able to be free. It was like a burden was being lifted off of my life! And I was able to see the love of God clearly again. Through all of this, I thought God hated me. He loved everyone else in the world but me. He helped everyone else but me, because I didn't deserve it. That is all lies of depression. Once it is gone and the pain is gone, you will be able to things more clearly, even God's love and faithfulness.

I hope Shawna there will be a day that you will truly be able to believe the love that is shared with you here and accept it for what it is. It is true and honest. No one here is lying to you. You are loved by us and by God. Just hold on to that. If we didn't love you, we wouldn't be talking with you. We wouldn't care what you did. But we do. We are here. I really feel God led you to CF for a reason. If He didn't care for you, He wouldn't have done that either.

Very good post!

 

[Saxman]

urbanfaerie, it seems to be that you are very hard on yourself. I was the same, then I realised that although I could not count on everyone else in the world liking me, at least I could like myself and be nice to myself.

It sounds like you had a rough time and were not to blame for what happened in the past, and those troubles that still persist. These sort of things would make the best of us feel unhappy. Rather than staying in the past try and focus instead on making the future very bright. What happened is water under the bridge.

While life may seem at times hopeless things will get better eventually and to coin a cliche there is light at the end of the tunnel. It sounds like you are doing well at college (4.0 is impressive by anyones standards) and I am sure that when you are out in the real world working things will be a lot better. I am not particularly happy myself at university but I know that it will pass.