Hi everyone, I'm new here and just wanted somewhere to come and talk about my grief with other people who understand what I'm going through. I can hardly type the words because I can still hardly believe it. And I don't want to believe it. But its true ... my dad passed away on May 24th. Tomorrow morning is his funeral.
Ever since my dad passed away, I have just been staying in my room, doing nothing (leaving periodically to go to the bathroom or get food. Pretty pathetic.) I'm on leave from work, so I don't do anything all day except distract myself with computer games or the internet. The minute my mind is not distracted, I'm thinking about dad. I'm just avoiding everyone in my family, especially my mom. My boyfriend tries to comfort me, but I tell him to leave me alone because I just want to grieve alone for some reason. Yet I hate being alone at the same time. The mornings are THE WORST and so lately I have just not been doing my normal routine. Before my dad got sick, as soon as I woke up my dad was already awake or about to wake up. He was a real early riser. He would often have the coffee already made and was boiling cinnamon tea (to mix with oatmeal, which he and my mom used to have EVERY morning.) And those really early mornings were our time. We didn't really talk too much, although sometimes we did, but it was just OUR TIME because my mom wasn't up yet and it was just us two. Now mornings are torture and I just stay out of the stupid kitchen. Night time pretty much sucks too.
I can't talk to anyone about it really, there are just no words. And I HATE when people ask, "how are you doing?" How do you think I'm doing? I feel guilt or a duty to respond mixed with anger at the stupid question.
I just don't want to see anyone. I don't want to look at his pictures. I literally turn them the other way from my direction or avoid looking at them most of the time because it just KILLS me to see his image. I have a picture on my desk of just last year, last father's day when my sister and I took a photo of us three together. Everytime I see it I just can't believe he's really gone.
My dad died of brain cancer; we took him to the hospital the day after Christmas because we thought he was having a stroke. We found out not too long afterwards that he had an inoperable brain tumor. They gave him three to six months. I stupidly/foolishly/naively believed/hoped/prayed that he would get better after the radiation, I hoped and prayed that God would heal him and take away the cancer, but it wasn't His will. I know He will give me anything I want in the world. And if I don't get it, it's because He does not want me to have it, for a reason that I know is for the best for me. My dad was a born again Christian (praise the LORD for that) and I KNOW he is in Heaven. I know he is in paradise. I know he's no longer in pain, but is experiencing pure joy. I know I will see him again. BUT this brings me no comfort at all. SORRY but it doesn't. My dad isn't here. My dad will never walk me down the aisle. My dad will not dance with me at my wedding as I had always dreamed. My dad will never see my children (God willing if I have any). My children-to-be will never know my wonderful, loving, amazing dad. It just doesn't feel fair. Dad was so healthy, SUPER healthy, extremely strong, no health problems at all. The cancer didn't metastisize from anywhere, it just started in his brain and it took his life. I know it's God's will that my dad is in heaven, and I'm GLAD he's in heaven, but I just cannot deal with living life without dad!! I just don't know how to cope.
And tomorrow is his funeral and I just feel like I don't want to go. I don't want to experience this. It's just like a nightmare. I don't want to be comforted by people, or to hear people's memories, or to hear whatever trite things people are going to tell me. I just feel like no one, even my siblings and even my sister who loved him dearly as I did, didn't love dad as much as I did. No doubt we had a special relationship, because I lived at home for so long and my sister moved away when she was only 18. And I have always been daddy's girl, his favorite, even though he never said it and never would (because he loved us ALL and wouldn't want to alienate my sister like that) I know he loved me, or feel he loved me, the most.
Even in the end, as he was dying (at home, with all of us surrounding him, my mother (his wife of 57 years!!) and all of his kids, praying over him and holding his hand, he was STILL trying to comfort me during his last moments of life, as he turned to me because I was crying so hard. Even my brother said "he's looking for Ems" because it was hard for him to turn his head... he couldn't talk (had lost his ability to speak for the last several weeks) and could barely make eye contact. But even in the end he was still telling me, I love you, you're going to be okay.
I know my dad would NOT want me to be mourning forever, just sitting here crying and feeling sorry for myself. My dad would want me to be happy, to go on and live a happy life. But you know it still doesn't help. Nothing helps. Cuz none of that is going to bring back my dad and I just don't know how to flippin' deal with this living nightmare. And I have no idea how I'm gonna get through tomorrow. Seeing the photos of dad and the flowers for dad at the church. The long procession of cars following the hearse to the cemetery. Seeing my brothers carrying my dad's casket. The whole thing of being at the burial site. This is a nightmare!!
I just want to yell out sometimes, where are you dad?? Why did you have to take my dad away, Jesus? Why did you have to die, dad? I know he's in heaven but I miss him. I miss hearing him whistle his happy little tune and he goes about his business about the house. I miss being able to give him a big hug. I miss his mischievous smile and his dimples. I just miss HIM.
It just feels like life can't go on. And like I will never get out of this deep, dark pit.
Ever since my dad passed away, I have just been staying in my room, doing nothing (leaving periodically to go to the bathroom or get food. Pretty pathetic.) I'm on leave from work, so I don't do anything all day except distract myself with computer games or the internet. The minute my mind is not distracted, I'm thinking about dad. I'm just avoiding everyone in my family, especially my mom. My boyfriend tries to comfort me, but I tell him to leave me alone because I just want to grieve alone for some reason. Yet I hate being alone at the same time. The mornings are THE WORST and so lately I have just not been doing my normal routine. Before my dad got sick, as soon as I woke up my dad was already awake or about to wake up. He was a real early riser. He would often have the coffee already made and was boiling cinnamon tea (to mix with oatmeal, which he and my mom used to have EVERY morning.) And those really early mornings were our time. We didn't really talk too much, although sometimes we did, but it was just OUR TIME because my mom wasn't up yet and it was just us two. Now mornings are torture and I just stay out of the stupid kitchen. Night time pretty much sucks too.
I can't talk to anyone about it really, there are just no words. And I HATE when people ask, "how are you doing?" How do you think I'm doing? I feel guilt or a duty to respond mixed with anger at the stupid question.
I just don't want to see anyone. I don't want to look at his pictures. I literally turn them the other way from my direction or avoid looking at them most of the time because it just KILLS me to see his image. I have a picture on my desk of just last year, last father's day when my sister and I took a photo of us three together. Everytime I see it I just can't believe he's really gone.
My dad died of brain cancer; we took him to the hospital the day after Christmas because we thought he was having a stroke. We found out not too long afterwards that he had an inoperable brain tumor. They gave him three to six months. I stupidly/foolishly/naively believed/hoped/prayed that he would get better after the radiation, I hoped and prayed that God would heal him and take away the cancer, but it wasn't His will. I know He will give me anything I want in the world. And if I don't get it, it's because He does not want me to have it, for a reason that I know is for the best for me. My dad was a born again Christian (praise the LORD for that) and I KNOW he is in Heaven. I know he is in paradise. I know he's no longer in pain, but is experiencing pure joy. I know I will see him again. BUT this brings me no comfort at all. SORRY but it doesn't. My dad isn't here. My dad will never walk me down the aisle. My dad will not dance with me at my wedding as I had always dreamed. My dad will never see my children (God willing if I have any). My children-to-be will never know my wonderful, loving, amazing dad. It just doesn't feel fair. Dad was so healthy, SUPER healthy, extremely strong, no health problems at all. The cancer didn't metastisize from anywhere, it just started in his brain and it took his life. I know it's God's will that my dad is in heaven, and I'm GLAD he's in heaven, but I just cannot deal with living life without dad!! I just don't know how to cope.
And tomorrow is his funeral and I just feel like I don't want to go. I don't want to experience this. It's just like a nightmare. I don't want to be comforted by people, or to hear people's memories, or to hear whatever trite things people are going to tell me. I just feel like no one, even my siblings and even my sister who loved him dearly as I did, didn't love dad as much as I did. No doubt we had a special relationship, because I lived at home for so long and my sister moved away when she was only 18. And I have always been daddy's girl, his favorite, even though he never said it and never would (because he loved us ALL and wouldn't want to alienate my sister like that) I know he loved me, or feel he loved me, the most.
Even in the end, as he was dying (at home, with all of us surrounding him, my mother (his wife of 57 years!!) and all of his kids, praying over him and holding his hand, he was STILL trying to comfort me during his last moments of life, as he turned to me because I was crying so hard. Even my brother said "he's looking for Ems" because it was hard for him to turn his head... he couldn't talk (had lost his ability to speak for the last several weeks) and could barely make eye contact. But even in the end he was still telling me, I love you, you're going to be okay.
I know my dad would NOT want me to be mourning forever, just sitting here crying and feeling sorry for myself. My dad would want me to be happy, to go on and live a happy life. But you know it still doesn't help. Nothing helps. Cuz none of that is going to bring back my dad and I just don't know how to flippin' deal with this living nightmare. And I have no idea how I'm gonna get through tomorrow. Seeing the photos of dad and the flowers for dad at the church. The long procession of cars following the hearse to the cemetery. Seeing my brothers carrying my dad's casket. The whole thing of being at the burial site. This is a nightmare!!
I just want to yell out sometimes, where are you dad?? Why did you have to take my dad away, Jesus? Why did you have to die, dad? I know he's in heaven but I miss him. I miss hearing him whistle his happy little tune and he goes about his business about the house. I miss being able to give him a big hug. I miss his mischievous smile and his dimples. I just miss HIM.
It just feels like life can't go on. And like I will never get out of this deep, dark pit.
Thanks for the encouraging words. You're RIGHT of course. We did talk about it all day yesterday and it helped a LOT to talk about dad and remember dad with love. Hardest of all though was (and is) seeing his picture and his smile. I will miss that smile!!!!!!!!!
Cuz he's in heaven with our Jesus. 
This morning was really hard, but I did go downstairs and make coffee and sit in the kitchen and cry and it felt good to just think about him, imagine him there, remember him being there making oatmeal, just remembering our mornings. Very cathartic. I feel guilty mourning because I know it's not what dad would want. He would want us to remember him with love and go on with life and be happy. I'm trying dad!! I'm trying.
