Dad cheating...forgiveness?

[Jocklen]

11 years ago when I was 4 my dad cheated on my mom, divorced her, and started a new family with my step-mom.
Since then he has made no effort to me or anyone else in my family about showing any remorse whatsoever. He walked all over my mom (not literally) and uses my siblings and I to his advantage whenever we come over to take care of chores around the house and to take care of the 3 younger siblings.
He and my step-mom claim to be christians yet they act very hypocritical, in their faith, in their social activities they partake in, and even in how they act around human beings. As far as they are concerned there is nothing wrong with the whole predicament.
Is it wrong to not forgive him? I have prayed for God to forgive him because I cannot do it myself. I do wonder where he is going after he dies. Any advice would be much appreciated.

 

[Ramii]

You will feel much better when you differentiate between forgiveness and setting boundaries. Jesus once prayed for those who murdered him, 'forgive them for they do not know what they do.' and yet Jesus cut a clear and narrow path for those He would allow into the Kingdom.

It is best to assume that you do not have the full picture - and neither do they. We forgive because we were forgiven...thank goodness some betrayals can be given to God to forgive when we are not yet ready.

Your wounds are deep for many obvious reasons and it is no wonder that you find it difficult to forgive as you have not yet been allowed to heal. Betrayal and other forms of abuse can not heal unless the victim is protected from further abuse. I am not certain how old you are but if you are a child and must visit by law you do not have the same power that you will gain when you are able to make your own decisions about who you allow in your life.

Jesus was very clear about the difference between the human family and our spiritual family. Those that do God's will are your family. Now, I wouldn't make a quick judgement yet on the big picture because you haven't had a chance to breath yet away from the situation.

When the time is right, when you are able - it would be good for you to take some space and be clear in your own head about what your dad did/does that is unacceptable both in your eyes and Gods. If you are able to speak with your dad about it, all the better...but it would be best to already be clear within yourself what it would take for you to feel 'safe' around these parents.

Truly your issue is less about forgiveness and more about you not feeling that your heart and spirit will be respected and safe - and you will need to eventually find out exactly what it will take for you to feel safe around them. It may be that you feel better when you are able to visit on your own terms, less dependent on them; it may be, eventually, that you may need to set particular boundaries around those behaviors that are hurtful.

Whatever your present ability is to set these physical boundaries, know that you and God can begin doing the Spirit work immediately. Every time you and God spend time struggling with an injustice or a perceived hypocrasy, you are not only setting a boundary but you are also building a strong character for yourself. These stones, although they may initially feel small, are foundational to your eventual and full healing. The twist may be, I must warn you, that 90 percent of your healing will come from these moments with God. The final 10 percent is left as a gift to your dad should he ever choose to make things right.

And if, after everything is tried, your dad remains the same, God will have given you the character needed to set the appropriate boundaries and moreso the strength, courage, and wisdom to not go down the same painful paths your dad did.

Peace.

 

[jive4005]

Two things here...

1) God says we must all HONOR our parents. He does not say honor them IF we think they deserve it!
There is a Godly reason(s) for this. IF you will do this (and it ain't gonna be easy) then indeed, YOU shall have a good and long life. It's the only commandment God gives with a promise attached!

2) You are only responsible for you own behavior... not that of your mom or dad.
If they act badly, it does not change your own duties... to be a role model for others (even for your own parents!).

GBY

His,
Rev J

ps: that being judgemental thing applies to this situation too... we never know the whole story, even if we think we do! God alone knows the whole thing... so He alone gets to judge... not us!

 

[Ramii]

Two things here...

1) God says we must all HONOR our parents. He does not say honor them IF we think they deserve it!
There is a Godly reason(s) for this. IF you will do this (and it ain't gonna be easy) then indeed, YOU shall have a good and long life. It's the only commandment God gives with a promise attached!

2) You are only responsible for you own behavior... not that of your mom or dad.
If they act badly, it does not change your own duties... to be a role model for others (even for your own parents!).

GBY

His,
Rev J

ps: that being judgemental thing applies to this situation too... we never know the whole story, even if we think we do! God alone knows the whole thing... so He alone gets to judge... not us!

It is good, according to Paul (1 Cor 6:1-6) for a believer to bring disputes before other believers for judgement.

Jocklen, far from dishonoring his dad, has struggled for years to find some peace in having a relationship with one whom hurt him and his family - BECAUSE this person was his dad, someone he wants to honor.

His dad's own actions have dishonored him, not Jocklen. God judges his dad - there are many scriptures concerning how a father should treat a wife, their family; scriptures about adultery...these are God's judgements, not Jocklen's.

Even still, Jocklen honors his dad with a question of how to forgive him, how to find peace and move on. Is that not a valid question for a young Christian to bring to the table?

To 'honor' someone, does not mean they have an unlimited punch card - and that you are not allowed to discern Godly actions from those more human...but to find a way, a peace, a path that can heal a betrayal or a hurt from someone you love, admire AND honor....this is one of the most honest and God-like quests I can imagine. Certainly, Jocklin, whom struggles early on with this concept - one that few seasoned Christians have come to peace with - must be given encouragement and gentle counsel.

"Do you not know that we will judge angels? How much more the things of this life!" Paul

 

[Solidlyhere]

What are you asking us about?

Forgiveness for cheating on Mom?
Forgiveness for "walking all over" your Mom?
Forgiveness for having you do chores when you are with him?
Forgiveness for NOT telling you that he feels bad?
Forgiveness for not acting the way you think a Christian should act?

Each one of these issues is separate.
70% of men have an Affair.
50% of men divorce their wife (and most get re-married).

Many men are not as kind to their wife as their kids think is adequate.
Truly, if Mom didn't like it, SHE should have gotten divorced.

The problem with being a son is that you can't (yet) see the way life REALLY works for adults. What you can see as awful ... can be more normal than you can imagine.

About him asking you to do chores, you have the right to refuse.
The fact that you allow yourself to perform these tasks is your business.
Truly, if you don't want to, be like Nancy Reagan, and "Just say NO."

It may well be that you are carrying your resentment over the divorce, and looking at your Dad and step-Mom as a lot more awful than they actually are.

If you don't feel like forgiving Dad for the divorce, then don't forgive him for it.
Some day, this issue will be a WHOLE lot easier to face.
When you have your own kids, and live in a marriage which is stressful, you will have a better picture of how easy it is to just get divorced (instead of toughing it out).

 

[Ramii]

WOW! I am shocked at how we Christian adults are so comfortable in this world, so pious in our suffering adult-hood that we can not simply attempt to answer a classic question - Christ like - for this child.

To respond to a child's spiritual question as 'we all divorce, get a clue', 'you just don't get it - grow up'...Man, this poster's question is as old as the hills and I don't recall Jesus disreguarding it so easily - in fact isn't the subject of 'forgiveness' what took Him to the cross? Isn't it the symbolism of 'adultery and betrayal' that grieves God throughout the Old and New Testement? If God is so grieved by betrayal, is it surprising that the human child is confused and hurt by it? I don't think it works so well for God to say - 'well, they all do it, so get over it'.

Jesus said, "You must be like a Child to enter the Kingdom"....not...

'wait til your old enough to sin yourself, then you won't be so hard on the ol' man'

 

[Solidlyhere]

Ramii, I take it you were talking about me in your last post.

Your post was full of opposites.
So, what is your opinion about forgiveness?

Forgiveness has little-or-nothing to do with "being like a child."
If you have ANY Spiritual maturity, you know that we must transcend that child-like innocence when we deal with powerful pain within the family.

When we are NOT attempting to forgive, THAT's the time to return to being an innocent child.

You twisted and turned in your post so much I cannot figure out what you think.
Please spell it out.
Should the OP forgive, or NOT forgive?

By the way, ramii, you missed the significance of my discussing statistics.
You wrongly assumed that I was giving tacit acceptance, when I was telling the OP that many people (like him) have to deal with this same pain ... he is not alone.

 

[R3quiem]

It is always good to forgive. Forgiving someone doesn't mean that you agree that it was an ok thing for them to do, but it shows you hold no long-term grudges.

What does holding a grudge accomplish? Who does it help?

 

[madison1101]

I would encourage you to seek out an older, Christian the same gender as you, hopefully at your church, where you can develop a discipleship relationship. Ask this person to guide you in your walk with Christ. Ask for help in dealing with this issue. Seek the Lord and pray for help in letting go of any bitterness and resentment you may be experieincing.

Hugs,
Trish

 

[Jocklen]

I believe I could forgive my Dad fairly easy if he showed remorse and repentance for what he did. But the fact that he sins and acts like it is not his fault or it is not a big deal really sets me off. If he would have cheated on my mom and asked for repentance instead of leaving her for my step-mom then I don't think I would be writing this post at all.

 

[Solidlyhere]

Well, Jocklen, if horses had wings, they could fly.

Your un-dying wish is that your parents had never gotten divorced.
That is never going to happen.

You also wish that your Dad had asked your Mom for repentance for cheating on her.
That is not going to happen.

You also wish that your Dad would show remorse for every sin he commits these days.
That is not going to happen.

I hope you can see where this is going.
You are inventing artificial reasons to NOT forgive Dad.

Since this is the case, nothing that I say is going to change your attitude.

I give you permission to NOT forgive your Dad for leaving your Mom (and you).

After all, it's only your choice, whether or not to forgive a particular person for a particular sin.

You may want things to be different ... but they aren't.
Spirituality (or at least part of it) is accepting the past.
This is a form of forgiving.

This is where you forgive yourself.
As I read your posts, I see that you are blaming yourself too.

So, if you choose to not forgive your Dad ... please take the time to forgive yourself.
That you didn't have the power to re-unite your parents.
That you didn't have Dad there to make you feel whole.
That you hurt so much now, because of your broken family.

Once you can forgive yourself, Dad (and his sins against you and Mom) will become less important in your life.

After all of the goodies you have with your Mom, you are stealing them away by continually thinking angry thoughts about your Dad.

Be kind to your Mom ... Let Go of Dad (as your punishment to him).

 

[Ramii]

Dear Solidlyhere,

I did misunderstand your listing of statistics as 'everyone does it'. Forgive me.

I get up in arms (can you tell?) when well meaning Christians say, 'forgive, forgive' and 'don't judge' without Biblical clarification. This world seems to do one of two things - either blame others, taking no responsibility, or choose to sit on the side lines, turning a blind eye under the guise of 'Thou shall not judge'.

When it comes to forgiveness, I try to follow the teachings of Jesus, to 'forgive seventy times seven'. I do this because I have been forgiven by God.

When it comes to how to live with someone I feel has seriously wronged me, my family, or the Church -Jesus (later Paul) holds fairly firm on one particular pattern as to how to righteously deal with it. A gradual sequence of bringing the problem to the one who you feel wronged you - first just the two of you, this would be best. If this doesn't work, then bring two/three people along - as witnesses, probably help w/moderating. If this doesn't work, take the issue to your Church and have them help you. If still you feel you are not heard or the issue isn't given a chance for resolution - then quite a severe boundary is set between the two of you.
(Matthew 18:15-19)

Forgiveness and resolution do not necessarily co-exist, and are not dependent upon each other. When answering a question for a younger Christian, or any child for that matter, I believe that it is important to clarify what exactly is being addressed. Often, when it is clear there is no resolve in a matter, when someone asks 'How do I forgive?' they are really asking 'How do I live day in/out with someone that I feel has wronged/betrayed me?'

Many Christians live a wrong philosophy in that they believe God requires them to be doormats; that forgiving someone means that they must 'suck it in', continue ever forward without a resolve, setting themselves up for the same abuse over/over, or turning them bitter/angry (sometimes out of proportion even to the wrong done).

We, as Christians 'forgive' because we are the Body of Christ. We as Christians seek peace and resolve, setting boundaries when necessary - this, because we are the Children of God.

It is clear that there are always muddy waters when it comes to humans and their relationships; but it is not that difficult to clear the water. Often a humble apology and/or the respect needed to hear each other out heals many of the wounds. We all make choices and some are hurtful to those we love; If they love us too, it's a confusing time for them - and child or not, they deserve resolution. People often forget that when it comes to children, the forgiveness comes naturally - its the resolve that takes time.

Peace

 

[MoNiCa4316]

Hi
Jesus said that we should forgive others, because we are forgiven. If we do not forgive, it ends up harming us! But this does not mean that you have to agree with what your dad and step-mom are doing/have done. Forgiveness is not making excuses for that person, but choosing to love them by wishing them to get better.

You have been through and are still going through something painful, and God knows that. I know it's really hard to forgive someone when they don't show remorse, I've been there. But when we forgive, we let go of the past and let God take care of the future. It is understandable that you find it difficult to forgive your dad, and I suggest praying about it that God would help you do that...and pray for your dad that God would change his heart, and maybe one day he will repent and ask for forgiveness from your family. Remember it's the Holy Spirit's job to change people, not ours.

There have been times in my life when I found it really difficult to forgive, and sometimes it takes some time...but it's more of a decision than a feeling, and Jesus said that it's the right thing to do. It sets us free from our past and helps us live more fully...even though there would still be difficulties in dealing with the people who have hurt us. But I've heard a story once about a girl who was abused by her father, and he only realized how much he hurt her when she told him everything that she went through but said that she forgives him..so you never know. Maybe one day you can talk to your dad about it all.

God bless!


monica

 

[Jocklen]

Solidlyhere,
I don't want to forgive my dad not because of the chores he makes me do or because he divorced my mom, I can get over that, no big deal, I've been through worse.
My problem with my dad is forgiving him for his sins when he himself does not repent. It would appear that he does not feel at fault for all the pain he has caused me and my family and that hurts the most.
I am not inventing reasons for me to not forgive him even though through my anger, I may have shot my mouth off in the first post.
I am asking for christian advice on whether I need forgive him when he is not sorry for his sins so that I can have a clear conscience that I tried to do the right thing. This isn't about fixing my family or my life. This is about fixing myself so that I can be the best christian I can be. I am not going to have this on my chest any longer.
I do appreciate the comments you have given because it shows someone cares about people they have never met-and that takes compassion-thanks.

 

[Solidlyhere]

Thank you for your Post, Jocklen.

You say that your Dad never felt remorse for the divorce.
This may NOT be true.

Just because Dad didn't apologize, this doesn't mean that he didn't feel bad about it.

I suggest that you ask your Dad: "Did you ever feel bad about abandoning me when I was 4 years old?"

In fact, this may open-up lines of deep communication with Dad.
I can (almost) promise you that Dad DID suffer silently about leaving you alone.

So, take a risk.
Either way he answers, you will THEN know the truth about the matter.

 

[soldoutdancer4]

^ good post

 

[HunnyBee]

Solidlyhere,
I don't want to forgive my dad not because of the chores he makes me do or because he divorced my mom, I can get over that, no big deal, I've been through worse.
My problem with my dad is forgiving him for his sins when he himself does not repent. It would appear that he does not feel at fault for all the pain he has caused me and my family and that hurts the most.
I am not inventing reasons for me to not forgive him even though through my anger, I may have shot my mouth off in the first post.
I am asking for christian advice on whether I need forgive him when he is not sorry for his sins so that I can have a clear conscience that I tried to do the right thing. This isn't about fixing my family or my life. This is about fixing myself so that I can be the best christian I can be. I am not going to have this on my chest any longer.
I do appreciate the comments you have given because it shows someone cares about people they have never met-and that takes compassion-thanks.

You are a very wise young man, and yes forgiving your father will be a good thing to do even if he has not repented and is not sorry. When we don't forgive we are only carrying a heavier burden upon ourselves. It takes a strong person to forgive someone that has hurt them so much, especially when it's a parent. However, parents are not perfect and they do not always make the right choices. Just continue to pray to God and read your Bible for when you need strength and comfort, and I'm sure you already know what is the right thing to do for yourself.