Brothers and Sisters,
Many of you know that God has been doing a work lately and that I have been going through difficulty as well. I am really hurting inside. I have been going through a battle for years that no one, including myself has been able to understand. It has mostly been an inner battle that I have privately been voicing to God. This problem unfortunately got the doctors involved, against my will, because of mental weakness. These doctors only came to me with worldly wisdom, being not Christian, and made matters worse. They out of their carnal minds do not believe in strongholds and the spiritual aspect of the Christian battle and rather diagnosed me with a incurable desease called scitzophrenia. I chose to leave work one day because I was having trouble believing God about many aspect of the Christian Faith. I have experienced Jesus and have been born again. The battle at that time was on believing I was forgiven. It was so difficult in my mind that I continually was brought to confusion. I left work and became homeless quite quickly. I was living off of savings in my car in the mountains. I was crying out to God about this weakness. Without the foundation of forgiveness their is only chaos and no joy. I was in the mountains praying when a man came up and asked if I was O.K.. I could not see that he had faith in God and chose rather not ot share. He called state patrol on me and reported me as despondant and posibly suicidal. I was hurting but not suicidal. This was not the road I wanted to take. I was aprehended against my will and forced into a mental hospital. I was approached by kind, well meaning doctors. I made a big mistake. I thought they were Christian because they approached with guenuine concern. The battle at that time, and one I still battle to a lesser degree now, was discerning the voice of God and trusting him. I had been listening for the Holy Spirit, and was quite new to this, when an evil Spirit approached me and pretended to be God. I got confused and quickly discerned that it wasn't God. I was frustrated because this kept happening. I was honestly seeking God as to ask what my problem was with believing him and the resulting confusion and chaos. I needed answers. Well I shared this whole thing with non-beleiving doctors. They haistily said I was hearing voices and had scitzophrenia. This whole thing escolated. My family was notified. They too are for the most non-believers. They believed the doctors. No one would take me in unless I went on medication. I contended that I did not have a mental illness. I therefor was released to a homeless shelter and was homeless for two weeks. Finally my mom took me in. She immediately had me escorted by police back to the hospital again because she believed the doctors. Taking me in was a plot to get me on meds. By this time I was so exausted mentally from all the words spoken to me that I started to believe them. Once I believed I had this desease the devil just pounded me with evil thoughts. I didn't fight them anymore because I thought it was the desease. This got worse. I actually became quite spiritually afflicted to where I was losing my ability to speak and walk. The Lord continued to show me, through the psalms, that I needed deliverance. Fortunately I met a man that operates in the discernment and power of the Holy Ghost. He set me free from what was then total confusion and spiritual oppression. I have gone through much healing since and am doing tons better. Have been working again. Praise God!
One thing still remains. I still have problems making decisions and trusting what God has shown me in His word. I lack confidance and this causes me to have great social hinderances because I am constantly going over all the scriptures in my mind to build myself up and I am rarely free this doubt. I know that I am accepted and righteous through Christ. That was something he has done in me over the past years. This is more confidence then I have had. I also have trouble with fear when Jesus speaks to me and it is difficult to listen and trust what he says. Making the solutions he gives me something difficult to believe. I have come to know that when we face doubts these can be strongholds caused by wounds we have recieved from childhood. When I was growing up my father was an alcoholic. He constantly was on my back telling me how I was doing things wrong. I can remember spending hours trying to put everything together rightly in my mind so I could have the confidence to approach him about whatever I was going to talk to him about. He always tore me apart and had something to show me that was wrong. When I was in high school I remember feeling that I was wronge about everything. Later in my life it resulted in constantly feeling that I had either did something wronge or was doing something wronge. Once when I was 23 my dad and I got in a fight. He bullied me, and was jesting me to a fight. He was drunk. He kept bringing up the past until I was sitting on the floor in complete confusion weeping with my head in my lap. I have learned to walk away now. I have felt wronge all the time. Last night Jesus was telling me in quiet time that my upbringing has created in me a stronghold that the enemy is withstanding me with. I have had such a weakened mind that I don't have the confidence to believe that I am right on certain scriptures causing me to doubt my conclusions on the scriptures and the revelations God has given me for fear that I am wrong. It is a constant nagging thought. It is as if I am constantly fearing that I am missing something about many different topics in our faith. There are so many things that are hindered by this that some days I have doubts about so many things that I don't have confidence to go out into public or be with family and freinds and I just isolate in my basement. I feel a stronge spiritual pain on my right shoulder. The feeling of oppression. I have rebuked the spirits in faith and they keep comming back. I know we have authority but my thoughts are that I need more healing and that a door needs to be close to the enemy. The empty space filled so they don't come back. This constant questioning about whether or not I understand something right or if I am wrong about somethign never leaves me at peace. It more than just careful concideration. It is a lack of confidence that I am right. Sure I understand that God is not mad at me. I just want the confidance that comes when you know that you are right about a matter. Not justification. The assurance of understanding something correctly to where you have boldness to walk in that decision. A double minded man is unstable in all ways. The devil uses this weekness to attack things like my confidence in being a completely new creation, many teaching that have been healing from my past, the authority scripture, ect. I basically have taken this stance: I now know what it is that trying to stop me now, I know it's not a mentle illness, I know that it is spiritual, and I choose to believe God any ways dispite these constant attacks. I need prayer. Any and every angle. I want desperately to begin to have confidence to be around people, begin Christian service, and eventually marry. Thank you so much if you have endured this long explanation about things of darkness. I know being children of light that sometimes these things are less desireable. I know many of you have prayed for me already. I thought that maybe giving this explanation might give you more insight on how to pray. I am choosing to stay optimistic and hopeful. God has been hearing my cries inside that have been many. Thank you. If you pray thank you. I know this alot. Don't feel like you have to take it all on. I am just needed to get out. I have committed to God and I am waiting on Him.
goodnight,
Billy
Many of you know that God has been doing a work lately and that I have been going through difficulty as well. I am really hurting inside. I have been going through a battle for years that no one, including myself has been able to understand. It has mostly been an inner battle that I have privately been voicing to God. This problem unfortunately got the doctors involved, against my will, because of mental weakness. These doctors only came to me with worldly wisdom, being not Christian, and made matters worse. They out of their carnal minds do not believe in strongholds and the spiritual aspect of the Christian battle and rather diagnosed me with a incurable desease called scitzophrenia. I chose to leave work one day because I was having trouble believing God about many aspect of the Christian Faith. I have experienced Jesus and have been born again. The battle at that time was on believing I was forgiven. It was so difficult in my mind that I continually was brought to confusion. I left work and became homeless quite quickly. I was living off of savings in my car in the mountains. I was crying out to God about this weakness. Without the foundation of forgiveness their is only chaos and no joy. I was in the mountains praying when a man came up and asked if I was O.K.. I could not see that he had faith in God and chose rather not ot share. He called state patrol on me and reported me as despondant and posibly suicidal. I was hurting but not suicidal. This was not the road I wanted to take. I was aprehended against my will and forced into a mental hospital. I was approached by kind, well meaning doctors. I made a big mistake. I thought they were Christian because they approached with guenuine concern. The battle at that time, and one I still battle to a lesser degree now, was discerning the voice of God and trusting him. I had been listening for the Holy Spirit, and was quite new to this, when an evil Spirit approached me and pretended to be God. I got confused and quickly discerned that it wasn't God. I was frustrated because this kept happening. I was honestly seeking God as to ask what my problem was with believing him and the resulting confusion and chaos. I needed answers. Well I shared this whole thing with non-beleiving doctors. They haistily said I was hearing voices and had scitzophrenia. This whole thing escolated. My family was notified. They too are for the most non-believers. They believed the doctors. No one would take me in unless I went on medication. I contended that I did not have a mental illness. I therefor was released to a homeless shelter and was homeless for two weeks. Finally my mom took me in. She immediately had me escorted by police back to the hospital again because she believed the doctors. Taking me in was a plot to get me on meds. By this time I was so exausted mentally from all the words spoken to me that I started to believe them. Once I believed I had this desease the devil just pounded me with evil thoughts. I didn't fight them anymore because I thought it was the desease. This got worse. I actually became quite spiritually afflicted to where I was losing my ability to speak and walk. The Lord continued to show me, through the psalms, that I needed deliverance. Fortunately I met a man that operates in the discernment and power of the Holy Ghost. He set me free from what was then total confusion and spiritual oppression. I have gone through much healing since and am doing tons better. Have been working again. Praise God!
One thing still remains. I still have problems making decisions and trusting what God has shown me in His word. I lack confidance and this causes me to have great social hinderances because I am constantly going over all the scriptures in my mind to build myself up and I am rarely free this doubt. I know that I am accepted and righteous through Christ. That was something he has done in me over the past years. This is more confidence then I have had. I also have trouble with fear when Jesus speaks to me and it is difficult to listen and trust what he says. Making the solutions he gives me something difficult to believe. I have come to know that when we face doubts these can be strongholds caused by wounds we have recieved from childhood. When I was growing up my father was an alcoholic. He constantly was on my back telling me how I was doing things wrong. I can remember spending hours trying to put everything together rightly in my mind so I could have the confidence to approach him about whatever I was going to talk to him about. He always tore me apart and had something to show me that was wrong. When I was in high school I remember feeling that I was wronge about everything. Later in my life it resulted in constantly feeling that I had either did something wronge or was doing something wronge. Once when I was 23 my dad and I got in a fight. He bullied me, and was jesting me to a fight. He was drunk. He kept bringing up the past until I was sitting on the floor in complete confusion weeping with my head in my lap. I have learned to walk away now. I have felt wronge all the time. Last night Jesus was telling me in quiet time that my upbringing has created in me a stronghold that the enemy is withstanding me with. I have had such a weakened mind that I don't have the confidence to believe that I am right on certain scriptures causing me to doubt my conclusions on the scriptures and the revelations God has given me for fear that I am wrong. It is a constant nagging thought. It is as if I am constantly fearing that I am missing something about many different topics in our faith. There are so many things that are hindered by this that some days I have doubts about so many things that I don't have confidence to go out into public or be with family and freinds and I just isolate in my basement. I feel a stronge spiritual pain on my right shoulder. The feeling of oppression. I have rebuked the spirits in faith and they keep comming back. I know we have authority but my thoughts are that I need more healing and that a door needs to be close to the enemy. The empty space filled so they don't come back. This constant questioning about whether or not I understand something right or if I am wrong about somethign never leaves me at peace. It more than just careful concideration. It is a lack of confidence that I am right. Sure I understand that God is not mad at me. I just want the confidance that comes when you know that you are right about a matter. Not justification. The assurance of understanding something correctly to where you have boldness to walk in that decision. A double minded man is unstable in all ways. The devil uses this weekness to attack things like my confidence in being a completely new creation, many teaching that have been healing from my past, the authority scripture, ect. I basically have taken this stance: I now know what it is that trying to stop me now, I know it's not a mentle illness, I know that it is spiritual, and I choose to believe God any ways dispite these constant attacks. I need prayer. Any and every angle. I want desperately to begin to have confidence to be around people, begin Christian service, and eventually marry. Thank you so much if you have endured this long explanation about things of darkness. I know being children of light that sometimes these things are less desireable. I know many of you have prayed for me already. I thought that maybe giving this explanation might give you more insight on how to pray. I am choosing to stay optimistic and hopeful. God has been hearing my cries inside that have been many. Thank you. If you pray thank you. I know this alot. Don't feel like you have to take it all on. I am just needed to get out. I have committed to God and I am waiting on Him.
goodnight,
Billy