Crushed

[frenzy]

So last week I started a thread about how I am newly single. I said I had ended my relationship with my fiance. Well last night he told me that during our relationship, he had been keeping some secrets from me about things that we had previously agreed upon. He betrayed my trust and I'm really hurting right now. I thought that the break up was going well, but now I'm just crushed. I am so angry and I don't want to talk to him or be friends with him. I'm just hurting a lot, and right now, I can't forgive him. I know we are supposed to be forgiving as Christians, but right now, I just can't.

 

[Sindyan]

I'm sorry my friend!

 

[mina]

if he lied to you, you can be thankful you aren't with him anymore. I know what it's like to go through a break up with someone you thought you would marry. It's hard, and it's even harder finding out they weren't the person you thought they were. You may not be able to forgive him in this instant, but you can work on being able to forgive him.

 

[deliciousBass]

So last week I started a thread about how I am newly single. I said I had ended my relationship with my fiance. Well last night he told me that during our relationship, he had been keeping some secrets from me about things that we had previously agreed upon. He betrayed my trust and I'm really hurting right now. I thought that the break up was going well, but now I'm just crushed. I am so angry and I don't want to talk to him or be friends with him. I'm just hurting a lot, and right now, I can't forgive him. I know we are supposed to be forgiving as Christians, but right now, I just can't.

Hey, that's okay. You can't and shouldn't be expected to forgive right away. Forgiveness is a process and right now you are not able to start it. In time, you will get to a place where you will choose to forgive him. I have faith that you will. You're in a lot of pain right now so don't worry about that and really that should be the least of your worries. Take care of yourself, and be around happy people (misery loves company).

Also, if you feel like you are overcome with depression, don't be afraid to go to a doctor about it or a counselor. Both of those really helped me a lot when my ex left me over a year ago.

 

[traingosorry]

It's painful to learn someone has betraryed you or that they are not who you thought they were - especially when you have placed complete trust in them.

I'm really sorry this is o nly getting worse for you - soon it will help you to get over him and to move on.

 

[Luther073082]

So last week I started a thread about how I am newly single. I said I had ended my relationship with my fiance. Well last night he told me that during our relationship, he had been keeping some secrets from me about things that we had previously agreed upon. He betrayed my trust and I'm really hurting right now. I thought that the break up was going well, but now I'm just crushed. I am so angry and I don't want to talk to him or be friends with him. I'm just hurting a lot, and right now, I can't forgive him. I know we are supposed to be forgiving as Christians, but right now, I just can't.

I've had this kind of thing done to me to. He's just trying to hurt you I think.

 

[Gardener101]

I've had this kind of thing done to me to. He's just trying to hurt you I think.

I have to agree with Luther. WHAT ON EARTH is really motivating him to tell you these secrets NOW?

 

[frenzy]

Thanks for the support.

I have to agree with Luther. WHAT ON EARTH is really motivating him to tell you these secrets NOW?

I know he didn't do it to hurt me. He did it because he was overwhelmed with guilt and he wanted to come clean so we could be together again, which will never happen (the getting back together thing).

Hey, that's okay. You can't and shouldn't be expected to forgive right away. Forgiveness is a process and right now you are not able to start it. In time, you will get to a place where you will choose to forgive him. I have faith that you will. You're in a lot of pain right now so don't worry about that and really that should be the least of your worries. Take care of yourself, and be around happy people (misery loves company).

Also, if you feel like you are overcome with depression, don't be afraid to go to a doctor about it or a counselor. Both of those really helped me a lot when my ex left me over a year ago.

Thanks. I think I'm going to see a counselor at my college. It's free there and God knows I need it right now. What makes this especially hard is that I am already dealing with anxiety and depression, so having something like this happen doesn't make things any better.

 

[Horsekiller]

Can I say first that forgiveness is not about him, It may have no affect on him at all, it's about you and the condition of your heart.
One thing I have learned while walking around on this planet, people are selfish. Even Christian people. What's behind him telling you these things is selfishness. He may say it's to deal with the guilt, but who's guilt?
If you forgive him, you'll be doing yourself a favor. Now I know it looks like forgiveness in this situation will be all about you, and it will be, but in a healthy way. Like asking to receive salvation.
Forgiveness heals! It heals YOUR heart!
How can you ever deal with a person again when you're locked-up behind such hurt?
Forgive him now. It's not hard. Think about it like this. He's a jerk or whatever, and for what ever reason he's like this rightnow it's beyond his control. He is a flawed individual (like us all) and he's acting foolishly (like we all do all the time).
If you understand this, ten don't hold him accountable for it. That's forgiveness.
Think about anyone of your sins...ok now think about how God forgave that. Even though you did it on purpose. He still forgave you. He still does. And He doesn't wait. Neither should you.
Master this and watch anxieties vanish.
H.

 

[frenzy]

Can I say first that forgiveness is not about him, It may have no affect on him at all, it's about you and the condition of your heart.
One thing I have learned while walking around on this planet, people are selfish. Even Christian people. What's behind him telling you these things is selfishness. He may say it's to deal with the guilt, but who's guilt?
If you forgive him, you'll be doing yourself a favor. Now I know it looks like forgiveness in this situation will be all about you, and it will be, but in a healthy way. Like asking to receive salvation.
Forgiveness heals! It heals YOUR heart!
How can you ever deal with a person again when you're locked-up behind such hurt?
Forgive him now. It's not hard. Think about it like this. He's a jerk or whatever, and for what ever reason he's like this rightnow it's beyond his control. He is a flawed individual (like us all) and he's acting foolishly (like we all do all the time).
If you understand this, ten don't hold him accountable for it. That's forgiveness.
Think about anyone of your sins...ok now think about how God forgave that. Even though you did it on purpose. He still forgave you. He still does. And He doesn't wait. Neither should you.
Master this and watch anxieties vanish.
H.

I disagree with you. It is hard, and I can't do it right now. Also, I'm GLAD he told me. Now I know what kind of person he really is, and I know that I don't ever want to be with him again.

 

[Gardener101]

*hugs*

 

[Horsekiller]

O.K., But just remember it'll be much harder later. It always is. That's why we clean the dishes soon after dinner. You don't ever have to forgive the guy. He'll probably never even know. But you will. And that unforgivingness will shape who you are becoming. It's all your choice.
What do these words mean to you? "Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors". Doesn't that mean, to the extent or as much as we forgive?
I think if you look at it hard enough you'll find that God expects forgiveness from us.
I'm not trying to beat you up. I've been through some really tough ones myself and I find the sooner the better. Hey, but that's just me

 

[Horsekiller]

Let me sing it to you this way. Does playing the guitar occur to you naturally? Or do you have to work at it? Same with forgiveness. You may not be great at it the first time you pick it up, but with intentional practice you become better

 

[deliciousBass]

Let me sing it to you this way. Does playing the guitar occur to you naturally? Or do you have to work at it? Same with forgiveness. You may not be great at it the first time you pick it up, but with intentional practice you become better

I'm sorry, but everything you say seems to be the contrary to what I've been taught at DivorceCare class. They make it quite clear that yes, you need to make it a goal to forgive, but at the same time it is a process that takes time especially when you've been hurt so deeply. Even if she said, "I forgive you" right now to this boy, would she really mean it? I sincerely doubt she would. She needs to go through the grieving process first. Not jump to one of the last steps. I believe forgiveness is part of acceptance, but it's different for everyone, like you alluded to.

 

[frenzy]

I'm sorry, but everything you say seems to be the contrary to what I've been taught at DivorceCare class. They make it quite clear that yes, you need to make it a goal to forgive, but at the same time it is a process that takes time especially when you've been hurt so deeply. Even if she said, "I forgive you" right now to this boy, would she really mean it? I sincerely doubt she would. She needs to go through the grieving process first. Not jump to one of the last steps. I believe forgiveness is part of acceptance, but it's different for everyone, like you alluded to.

Thank you. I don't want to feel guilty because I can't forgive him right now. I just can't.

 

[Tink]

I understand that you can't forgive him right now, that's natural.

Just don't forget that your *goal* should be to forgive him. Don't let your heart harden toward him so much that you're unable to forgive him because that will cause *you* more pain in the long run, my dear.

Praying for ya.

 

[FireLili]

I've been divorced for a little over a year now and I am still trying to forgive my ex-husband. He began cheating on me only 2 months after we were married. Many times he confessed to me all his guilt, which I know was genuine guilt. Each time I took him back until Feb. 06 when he was caught trying to be with a 15 yr old girl. Mine was an extreme situation, but be very glad that you found out who he was before you married him, or the pain would be greater than it is now. Consider it a blessing that the truth was revealed early. I am still healing. I am still trying to forgive. It doesn't come all at once. Vengence may even cross your mind, it did with me, but vengence is the Lord's... Loosing a love whether through death or betrayal is excruiciating all the same and we must greive all the same...don't allow your heart to become bitter and eventually, you'll be able to fully forgive him. But it takes lots and lots of time, with lots and lots of God's help. And just remember, you can forgive...but we are not God and will never be able to forget. We can move on, but never move backwards.

 

[puffca]

I've been divorced for a little over a year now and I am still trying to forgive my ex-husband. He began cheating on me only 2 months after we were married. Many times he confessed to me all his guilt, which I know was genuine guilt. Each time I took him back until Feb. 06 when he was caught trying to be with a 15 yr old girl. Mine was an extreme situation, but be very glad that you found out who he was before you married him, or the pain would be greater than it is now. Consider it a blessing that the truth was revealed early. I am still healing. I am still trying to forgive. It doesn't come all at once. Vengence may even cross your mind, it did with me, but vengence is the Lord's... Loosing a love whether through death or betrayal is excruiciating all the same and we must greive all the same...don't allow your heart to become bitter and eventually, you'll be able to fully forgive him. But it takes lots and lots of time, with lots and lots of God's help. And just remember, you can forgive...but we are not God and will never be able to forget. We can move on, but never move backwards.

I'm so sorry to hear that and am glad it's over.

Forgiveness is such a word that much easier to say than to do. I usually hold myself back from telling others to forgive. Not that I think it is wrong to forgive, but because I believe if there's something I can't do well, I'd better not to ask others to do.

God created something called time, and trust me it heals.

 

[Luther073082]

I've been divorced for a little over a year now and I am still trying to forgive my ex-husband. He began cheating on me only 2 months after we were married. Many times he confessed to me all his guilt, which I know was genuine guilt. Each time I took him back until Feb. 06 when he was caught trying to be with a 15 yr old girl. Mine was an extreme situation, but be very glad that you found out who he was before you married him, or the pain would be greater than it is now. Consider it a blessing that the truth was revealed early. I am still healing. I am still trying to forgive. It doesn't come all at once. Vengence may even cross your mind, it did with me, but vengence is the Lord's... Loosing a love whether through death or betrayal is excruiciating all the same and we must greive all the same...don't allow your heart to become bitter and eventually, you'll be able to fully forgive him. But it takes lots and lots of time, with lots and lots of God's help. And just remember, you can forgive...but we are not God and will never be able to forget. We can move on, but never move backwards.

Some of my old students from last year are that age. . .

Umm ewww

I think you took him back way too many times. After adultry taking a person back once is divine forgivness in my opinion. . . The second time, no I don't think I could take anyone back after the second time.

And with a 15 year old. . . no way.

Crazy world. . .

 

[traingosorry]

Frenzy, I hope you are holding out ok over there.
I agree with Horse(killer? really? ) but only to an extent. I actually think forgiveness will come easier to you over time, so don't worry about that. Give yourself time to heal and eventually you will get to a place where you might even pity your ex.
I think TRUE forgiveness is when you can think of the one who has scorned you and wish them well. How one is expected to be able to do that when the wound is still fresh, I don't know.

I just hope for you that that day will come when you will not look back on this relationship in anger, but instead consider it to be a life lesson for you and another page of your character.

PM inbox is usually always open (when I empty that bad boy!), if you need to chat, I'm here for ya.