Crisis

[Haley Mortensen]

To start, I suffer from severe anxiety/panic and depression, I also have a really bad case of OCD. I took it upon myself with some help from my doctor to go off of any antidepressants and benzo's this last year. I was fine for months, I could handle one panic attack every once in awhile. I truly thought I was managing. I had sensed my anxiety getting out of control but my job makes it next to impossible to make a doctor's appointment and getting in to see a doctor is sometimes a struggle in it's very own.

Well, a few weeks ago - I cracked. I was trying to fall asleep when a sudden sense of fear came over me and my delusion of mortality was broken. The words "I'm going to die" raced through my mind. My mind could not focus on anything else. I tried my normal routine of a hot bath, breathing, grounding. Nothing. I did not sleep that night. From what I've read, I'm not only fearing the death of myself and my loved ones, but I'm also in existential crisis.

For someone with OCD, this can be really difficult. Not only do we obsess, but we need absolute certainty to calm us. That's exactly what I've been doing. I obsess insistently over it. The unknown terrifies me. The science of it terrifies me. Not being able to have an absolute answer to anything is driving me mad. I cry on a daily basis, I haven't eaten since I don't remember when, but fortunately I am sleeping again - just not getting the best of sleep. I don't feel rested, I feel immediately spooked and stressed when I wake in the mornings.

I am trying to work with medication management for whatever is going on with me mentally, but I've now found myself in a spiritual crisis. I was raised Christian, my family was Southern Baptist. My grandmother's father was a preacher. I didn't grow up actively going to church, my mother was a single mom of two stubborn girls trying to make ends meet. But I knew Jesus, I knew he was the son of God and that he died on the cross for the sins of man. That was it. There was never a question. But now there are a million questions.

Thank you to the lovely ruining of my mortality delusion and my existential crisis, I now find myself questioning my faith and if it's even real. It has to be right? I have been reading my bible religiously. I haven't put it down. I believe it was my mother who said to start with the New Testament and I've almost finished it. Lots of questions arose, some of which I went to my grandmother with and she eased my mind into the acceptance and understanding of some of the teachings. But the more I continue to obsess, the more questions I come up with and I'm absolutely terrified that I am losing my faith altogether and it is absolutely terrifying.

I'm not sure where else to turn to. I can't discuss any of this with my mother anymore because it burdens her, stresses her, and just all around annoys her. My older sister said she went through something very similar a few years ago and it was months of this torture and then one day it was less and less, she knew there was a God and there was Jesus and she was fine. I'm worried that the longer this goes on the more lost I will become, to the point of no return.

I'm not necessarily seeking prayers. I'm seeking advice in where to turn, what to read. I'm seeking your stories and your saving grace. I'm seeking help.

 

[W2L]

Personally i dont see anything wrong with medication, except for the side effects. Although im on meds, Jesus is my hope and medication. God will give us peace, never give up.

 

[Deborah D]

Hi, Haley, welcome to the forum! The devil hits us in our minds with thoughts that are NOT from God! We have to cast down these lies and replace them with the truth from God's word--the Bible.

Something that helped me years ago with panic attacks is the "Warfare Prayer" by Victor Matthews. It's based on Bible verses. I read through this prayer aloud every time the devil hit me with his lies. After a while, the devil's grip was loosened and the attacks stopped.

Here's a link to the prayer in printable form-- http://truelifecf.org/PDFdownloads/Victor Matthews Warfare Prayer.pdf

I pray that you will find relief from the fear and anxiety!

 

[whereloveandmercymeet]

When I went through my worst anxiety (it’s better managed now with coming mechanisms and meds but not gone) I’d just lost my Dad and got myself kind of convinced that everyone one else I loved was going to die one after the other. I wasn’t truly convinced just catastrophizing and I couldn’t sleep without nightmares of someone I loved dying, then I’d wake and have another panic attack.

I had these meditation/prayer beads that a friend bought me back from holiday. There’s over 200 beads from start to finish. And I had my favourite bible verse. Jeremiah 29:11. It’s important to me because it speaks of future. So I’d repeat it using the beads. Sometimes for multiple repetitions of the whole set. And focus on just that verse.

I’d cry through it. Scream and shake. Sometimes fall asleep still mumbling and holding the beads. But it helped me and it was my grounding. Even now I use repeat recitation if I start to feel that gulf of panic. I don’t know if anything similar would be of any use.

 

[EzekielsWheels]

To start, I suffer from severe anxiety/panic and depression, I also have a really bad case of OCD. I took it upon myself with some help from my doctor to go off of any antidepressants and benzo's this last year. I was fine for months, I could handle one panic attack every once in awhile. I truly thought I was managing. I had sensed my anxiety getting out of control but my job makes it next to impossible to make a doctor's appointment and getting in to see a doctor is sometimes a struggle in it's very own.

Well, a few weeks ago - I cracked. I was trying to fall asleep when a sudden sense of fear came over me and my delusion of mortality was broken. The words "I'm going to die" raced through my mind. My mind could not focus on anything else. I tried my normal routine of a hot bath, breathing, grounding. Nothing. I did not sleep that night. From what I've read, I'm not only fearing the death of myself and my loved ones, but I'm also in existential crisis.

For someone with OCD, this can be really difficult. Not only do we obsess, but we need absolute certainty to calm us. That's exactly what I've been doing. I obsess insistently over it. The unknown terrifies me. The science of it terrifies me. Not being able to have an absolute answer to anything is driving me mad. I cry on a daily basis, I haven't eaten since I don't remember when, but fortunately I am sleeping again - just not getting the best of sleep. I don't feel rested, I feel immediately spooked and stressed when I wake in the mornings.

I am trying to work with medication management for whatever is going on with me mentally, but I've now found myself in a spiritual crisis. I was raised Christian, my family was Southern Baptist. My grandmother's father was a preacher. I didn't grow up actively going to church, my mother was a single mom of two stubborn girls trying to make ends meet. But I knew Jesus, I knew he was the son of God and that he died on the cross for the sins of man. That was it. There was never a question. But now there are a million questions.

Thank you to the lovely ruining of my mortality delusion and my existential crisis, I now find myself questioning my faith and if it's even real. It has to be right? I have been reading my bible religiously. I haven't put it down. I believe it was my mother who said to start with the New Testament and I've almost finished it. Lots of questions arose, some of which I went to my grandmother with and she eased my mind into the acceptance and understanding of some of the teachings. But the more I continue to obsess, the more questions I come up with and I'm absolutely terrified that I am losing my faith altogether and it is absolutely terrifying.

I'm not sure where else to turn to. I can't discuss any of this with my mother anymore because it burdens her, stresses her, and just all around annoys her. My older sister said she went through something very similar a few years ago and it was months of this torture and then one day it was less and less, she knew there was a God and there was Jesus and she was fine. I'm worried that the longer this goes on the more lost I will become, to the point of no return.

I'm not necessarily seeking prayers. I'm seeking advice in where to turn, what to read. I'm seeking your stories and your saving grace. I'm seeking help.

I'm glad you're seeking help and support. It sounds like you're kind of stuck in a loop of ruminating thoughts and so I pray that those stop and that you are filled with the peace that is in Christ. May there be stillness over you. I have written a prayer for the mind that others have found helpful if you're interested: Prayer For The Mind | Christian Forums. Also this for dealing with fear: Scripture References For Those Troubled By Fear | Christian Forums. Also this for strengthening faith: Scripture References For The Steadfast Love And Loyalty Of God | Christian Forums.

 

[JCFantasy23]

My prayers for you. Anxiety is super rough and I just sent up a prayer for your management of this condition without medication on the path you are on, or with medication if that is best for you. I have prayed for your doubts to be reassured and for your comfort in your faith in the one most High. My prayers, what you are going through is not at all easy and one of the hardest things, thank you for coming to us to have a soundboard to listen. You may also want to check out the Recovery area of our forums in the anxiety area for some further advice. God is with you.

 

[Mydreams]

Lord bless Haley Mortensen, and this prayer. In Jesus name, Amen!