*cries*

[oneandlonely]

I just feel kinda stuck. I feel like I am never going to get any better. and that kinda scares me. I don't want to be 30 and still dealing with this crap. I don't want to still be cutting and having problems with my eating. I feel like nothing is getting better, and that it isn't going to get better. It scares me. Then there is the fact that I haven't been doing schoolwork like I should. That isn't really all my fault tho. But I am so behind. I am scared that I am never going to be able to get into collage, or get a job. I am scared I am going to be stuck here. I don't want to be. I want to go to collage, and study photography.

I haven't cut for 10 days. But every moment is a struggle. The only thing keeping me from doing anything right now is writing this.

I am so tired of dealing with things. I am tried of trying. I feel like everyone is giving up, and it scares me. Part of me feels like... everyone else is giving up, why can't I just give up. I don't want to deal with all of this any more. I am so scared that this is just going to be what I am for the rest of my life. I am scared that this is just who I am. the freak that cuts herself. I don't want to be this girl anymore. But I just don't see myself getting any better.

I hate this. I can't stand being like this. I can't stand not being able to sleep. I hate that it is so hard for me to eat. I just am not really hungry anymore, and I feel like I need to loose weight... . I hate that when I am upset the first thing I want to do is grab something sharp. I hate that my friends all think I am so unstable. I hate that people see me like that. I want to just lie to everyone and tell them that I am fine. I don't want people to think of me that way anymore. I hate it. I just need to become a better actress.

Why bother anymore? I am never going to get better. I am never going to be able to stop. I don't know why I even count days anymore. Whats the point? I am just going to screw it up... like I always do. I am never going to be able to stop. I am not sure why I even try anymore. *sigh* Its pointless. this is just going to be who I am for the rest of my life. Things are never going to get better. Gosh I want to cut so bad right now.

sorry for this. it probably doesn't make a lot of sense. Its just something I have been thinking about. and it scares me . I don't know anymore. :cries:

 

[goldenviolet]

sweetheart! God bless you and God loves you!!
10 days is great!!! that's awesome!! i'm very proud of you! ...

slow down all your thinking & worries... and see how lovely 10 days is. you fought for this. you did it! you fought temptation for 10 days!!

sounds like you could use some more things to focus on. what kinds of things can you do to improve your mood/feelings? or what kinds of things will help you improve your day?

good reading while all cozy...
art...
music...
going for a walk...
friends...


have you thought about journalling devotionals, poems, feelings etc?

well i'm proud of you!! *dee grabs pom-poms*

 

[trying2survive09]

Ten days is great! I know that it's hard...I'm still having issues with the cutting. It's hard to realize that the first thing you want to do when you are so overwhelmed
is to grab something sharp. Just keep praying about it. AND don't give up. Jesus loves you, and He will never give up on you. I'll be praying for you

 

[pockleberry]

Oh hun I promise you there is a point for you to keep going and that you WILL get better. It might not seem like it right now but some day you will look back and see how much you have changed for the better...I know I probably sound really cheesy saying this stuff but I really believe that it is gonna be true in your life. Read Jerimiah 29:11 I love that verse and guess what it's true for you, it's even true for me!

Hang in there hun I love you loads

 

[crazylittlep]

 

[divachick]

I just feel kinda stuck. I feel like I am never going to get any better. and that kinda scares me. I don't want to be 30 and still dealing with this crap. I don't want to still be cutting and having problems with my eating. I feel like nothing is getting better, and that it isn't going to get better. It scares me. Then there is the fact that I haven't been doing schoolwork like I should. That isn't really all my fault tho. But I am so behind. I am scared that I am never going to be able to get into collage, or get a job. I am scared I am going to be stuck here. I don't want to be. I want to go to collage, and study photography.

I haven't cut for 10 days. But every moment is a struggle. The only thing keeping me from doing anything right now is writing this.

I am so tired of dealing with things. I am tried of trying. I feel like everyone is giving up, and it scares me. Part of me feels like... everyone else is giving up, why can't I just give up. I don't want to deal with all of this any more. I am so scared that this is just going to be what I am for the rest of my life. I am scared that this is just who I am. the freak that cuts herself. I don't want to be this girl anymore. But I just don't see myself getting any better.

I hate this. I can't stand being like this. I can't stand not being able to sleep. I hate that it is so hard for me to eat. I just am not really hungry anymore, and I feel like I need to loose weight... . I hate that when I am upset the first thing I want to do is grab something sharp. I hate that my friends all think I am so unstable. I hate that people see me like that. I want to just lie to everyone and tell them that I am fine. I don't want people to think of me that way anymore. I hate it. I just need to become a better actress.

Why bother anymore? I am never going to get better. I am never going to be able to stop. I don't know why I even count days anymore. Whats the point? I am just going to screw it up... like I always do. I am never going to be able to stop. I am not sure why I even try anymore. *sigh* Its pointless. this is just going to be who I am for the rest of my life. Things are never going to get better. Gosh I want to cut so bad right now.

sorry for this. it probably doesn't make a lot of sense. Its just something I have been thinking about. and it scares me . I don't know anymore. :cries:

You know oneandlonely, you are very brave - and honest. I have been where you are, and I've got over my eating disorder and cutting.....but I can totally identify with what you are feeling. I've felt exactly the same and thought nothing would ever change, but it did and I don't struggle with all that now.

That is NOT who you are going to be for the rest of your life. You have ambitions, that's great - keep working towards them and don't be too hard on yourself. You've done brilliantly not to cut for ten days. A day at a time is all you can take when you feel like that, you can't think long term - but I know you'll get over this just like I did.

What really helped me was being able to talk to someone. Is there someone you can confide in? Also, get yourself a notebook and write down how you are feeling, it really helps - let it all out in that book. Trust me, it was my lifeline.

Take care. Please don't give up hope. You WILL get there. Love divachick

 

[Kahalachan]

I'm sorry hun. Try to realize, self harm doesn't solve these problems.

Take it slowly and figure out how to change these things that bother you.

You'll feel better about each daily mini-goal you provide for yourself.

 

[oneandlonely]

*huggles everyone*

Thanks everyone. I am still fighting. today is day 15. I haven't gone this long for awhile. I can't believe today is day 15.

Dee - Thank you . I have tried music, good reading, and talking to friends. Going for a walk never does much for me cause I always just end up dreading having to go home. I have tried journaling, but I just don't know how to get my thoughts into words . But thank you dee.

trying2survive09 - Thanks

Suse - Thanks hun. I will go look up that verse in a minute. I love you too.

crazylittlep - Thanks

divachick - Thanks. I am so glad you got through all of that. That is awesome. I have a few people I talk to, my youth pastor, and a few great friends. that does help some. I journal a good bit too. I am doing my best

Kahalachan - Thanks, I know that SI doesn't help things *sigh*. Mini-goals is a good idea tho.

 

[Arkanin]

Hey,

Well, I post here because I am trying to help my friend with this right now, but my girlfriend, before she passed away (car accident), had a problem with this as well.

I just mention her because she was an aspiring photographer like you. And she had a lot of the insecurities, too. The biggest and hardest time she had with things, was that she could so quickly see the good in others, but not in herself. Which is a shame, since she was an awfully neat person. You don't deserve to treat yourself that way, either.

Being an actress to please others is just not how it should have to be. I think that if you are around people that you feel you have to pretend you're someone you aren't to fit in with, they aren't really your friends. It's really important to find someone you can drop the facade around and they do exist in your community even if they aren't perfect themselves or it isn't easy to find them.

And there are people out there who understand that cutting doesn't mean you're a bad person, it means you're in pain. At any rate, you aren't giving yourself enough credit! You went ten days without doing this and that's a good thing and it requires courage!

One last piece of advice. I'd suggest you find a friend (or a therapist?) that you can trust that you can talk to when you feel that urge. If you have / can find a friend that does not have a cutting problem themselves that you can vent to when you need to, and have that stability, it could help a lot.

Anyway, I wish you very good luck. And your little picture in the corner says 'unpretty'. But you do not sound like an unpretty person. And my ex, who was very much like you before she passed away, thought a lot like you and she was a very beautiful person. Yet she never felt that way, and there were only two of us she could trust with the fact that she cut (me and her best friend). If you can just find some people that are reliable, and stable, and want to help you stop, but understand, that can go a long way to helping you quit.

I also suggest therapy, with someone who is respectful and understands.

Anyway, the best of luck. And remember, beauty is deeper than skin and a photographer knows beauty. You've got to try to look in the mirror and see it in yourself, because it's there. And imagining you have a good eye, it'd be such a shame for you to miss the beauty that's right under your nose, right?

Again, best of luck (and good job so far, don't let anyone tell you it's easy!)

Ark

 

[divachick]

*huggles everyone*

Thanks everyone. I am still fighting. today is day 15. I haven't gone this long for awhile. I can't believe today is day 15.

Dee - Thank you . I have tried music, good reading, and talking to friends. Going for a walk never does much for me cause I always just end up dreading having to go home. I have tried journaling, but I just don't know how to get my thoughts into words . But thank you dee.

trying2survive09 - Thanks

Suse - Thanks hun. I will go look up that verse in a minute. I love you too.

crazylittlep - Thanks

divachick - Thanks. I am so glad you got through all of that. That is awesome. I have a few people I talk to, my youth pastor, and a few great friends. that does help some. I journal a good bit too. I am doing my best

Kahalachan - Thanks, I know that SI doesn't help things *sigh*. Mini-goals is a good idea tho.

You are doing all the right things. It's hard to get your feelings on paper sometimes because they are so vast and you don't know where to start. That's how I felt anyway - the feelings were overwhelming and cutting relieved that and I just couldn't put them into words. But if you just sit down with your book and don't put pressure on yourself - just write whatever you want and feelings will eventually follow. It does really help. People do care - just keep speaking to people here or the people you know.

You're doing GREAT. Sending lots of hugs, I know what it's like. If I can do anything else please contact me XX

 

[luv4godremains]

hun, you have done sooo well, I'm sooo proud of you, and so is God.
If you don't think you're getting better, then you're missing just how long you've gone, just how strong you've been. It has been ages since you last did, I know u feel like it's been ages, but hun, I also know that if you can go 15 days, you can stop altogether, it'll take time, energy and work, but you CAN do it! *hugs* I'm here if ya need 2 chat hun!

 

[Mayflower1]

I just feel kinda stuck. I feel like I am never going to get any better. and that kinda scares me. I don't want to be 30 and still dealing with this crap. I don't want to still be cutting and having problems with my eating. I feel like nothing is getting better, and that it isn't going to get better. It scares me. Then there is the fact that I haven't been doing schoolwork like I should. That isn't really all my fault tho. But I am so behind. I am scared that I am never going to be able to get into collage, or get a job. I am scared I am going to be stuck here. I don't want to be. I want to go to collage, and study photography.

I haven't cut for 10 days. But every moment is a struggle. The only thing keeping me from doing anything right now is writing this.

I am so tired of dealing with things. I am tried of trying. I feel like everyone is giving up, and it scares me. Part of me feels like... everyone else is giving up, why can't I just give up. I don't want to deal with all of this any more. I am so scared that this is just going to be what I am for the rest of my life. I am scared that this is just who I am. the freak that cuts herself. I don't want to be this girl anymore. But I just don't see myself getting any better.

I hate this. I can't stand being like this. I can't stand not being able to sleep. I hate that it is so hard for me to eat. I just am not really hungry anymore, and I feel like I need to loose weight... . I hate that when I am upset the first thing I want to do is grab something sharp. I hate that my friends all think I am so unstable. I hate that people see me like that. I want to just lie to everyone and tell them that I am fine. I don't want people to think of me that way anymore. I hate it. I just need to become a better actress.

Why bother anymore? I am never going to get better. I am never going to be able to stop. I don't know why I even count days anymore. Whats the point? I am just going to screw it up... like I always do. I am never going to be able to stop. I am not sure why I even try anymore. *sigh* Its pointless. this is just going to be who I am for the rest of my life. Things are never going to get better. Gosh I want to cut so bad right now.

sorry for this. it probably doesn't make a lot of sense. Its just something I have been thinking about. and it scares me . I don't know anymore. :cries:

One, You are doing great. It is okay to be angry that this is going on but as long as you keep trying and succeeding, like that 10 days!!!!!!!! Good job on that. God is here and we are here for you also. Just don't give up!!! I will be praying for you. Lily00

 

[trying2survive09]

You really are doing greeat!

 

[Bamboo_Chicken]

Bethany, I know you can do it. I haven't stopped praying for you since I 'met' you months ago, and you haven't given up either.
You're doing great, and no matter what happens, I'm so proud of you!
God Bless,
Steffi