Crazy thoughts

[HopingForJesus]

I have been wondering when I prayed the sinner's prayer if my being saved really didn't happen and part of this is because I married my husband 6 years ago in a court setting and he was divorced before because his wife cheated on him. I also had sinned in many ways against God and asked forgiveness. I don't know if my repentance was and has only been a factor because of the fear of hell. I am on medication but it only helps so much and I really haven't been able to go to therapy for awhile. I found it hard explaining these things to my last therapist. I feel like there is no rest for my brain. I feel like no matter what I am not in the right state of mind to be truly repentant whatever that may be. I have been too tired to pray effectively and have been falling asleep while praying. I am waiting for the pastor of my church to answer some questions that I have regarding getting married in our church since my husband was priorly divorced. From what I have read on here in the Baptist church for example, I committed adultery and in a Baptist church there would be no allowance of remarriage. My understanding of the policies of the Wesleyan church is that they have a different set of rules on getting remarried in the church. I don't even know if my marriage is considered legitimate since it was in a court clerk's office. We basically agreed to marry each other and we have been married for over 6 years. Now I am scared that I am still sinning even though I have changed many things in my life. I feel like I am going nuts right now. I am just venting but my anxiety is really really bad right now. I am sorry to spill all this here. I just don't know what to do.

 

[andreha]

Hi there, HopingForJesus

You know, my dear - all of us struggle with fears some time or other. One thing is for sure - you are a child of the most high God, and He won't let go of you. He knows and understands you. If you ever need to chat, feel free to PM me. I watch my PM box like a hawk.

God bless, my dear sister.

 

[gracealone]

Hi Hoping,
Don't feel bad for "spilling" on here, cause that's what the forum is here for.
I'm gathering that you have OCD. So this answer will be in that context. It would appear from what you are posting that you are caught up in continual mental checking which is the compulsive activity of the disorder.
You're attempting to check; whether or not you feel truly repentent, whether or not God has forgiven your past or present sins, and basically whether or not you are saved.
You mentioned that you've "changed" many things in your life. Changing our behavior is the essence of repentance. Trying to check whether or not you "feel" repentent will only make you afraid that you don't. This is because you are giving the obsession so much attention that it becomes huge, urgent and scarier than ever. That's how OCD gets us so stuck.
Try to just let it be, because with OCD the more we pick at our obsessions the greater the itch.
Praying for you.
Mitzi

I have been wondering when I prayed the sinner's prayer if my being saved really didn't happen and part of this is because I married my husband 6 years ago in a court setting and he was divorced before because his wife cheated on him. I also had sinned in many ways against God and asked forgiveness. I don't know if my repentance was and has only been a factor because of the fear of hell. I am on medication but it only helps so much and I really haven't been able to go to therapy for awhile. I found it hard explaining these things to my last therapist. I feel like there is no rest for my brain. I feel like no matter what I am not in the right state of mind to be truly repentant whatever that may be. I have been too tired to pray effectively and have been falling asleep while praying. I am waiting for the pastor of my church to answer some questions that I have regarding getting married in our church since my husband was priorly divorced. From what I have read on here in the Baptist church for example, I committed adultery and in a Baptist church there would be no allowance of remarriage. My understanding of the policies of the Wesleyan church is that they have a different set of rules on getting remarried in the church. I don't even know if my marriage is considered legitimate since it was in a court clerk's office. We basically agreed to marry each other and we have been married for over 6 years. Now I am scared that I am still sinning even though I have changed many things in my life. I feel like I am going nuts right now. I am just venting but my anxiety is really really bad right now. I am sorry to spill all this here. I just don't know what to do.

 

[sunmicroman]

Hi HopingForJesus. First, it really isn't up to the "church" to decide what is adultery and what is not. That is up to God. Second, if you feel like you committed adultery by marrying your husband than ask forgiveness of God and let it at that. If you truly are sorry and never mean to do it again, He can and will forgive you. Believe this and take Him at His word for He has promised.

A perfect example is King David. A man after God's own heart who made a very poor decision in his life to take another man's wife (adultery) and then have the man killed in battle (murder).

When the sins where brought to his attention he repented and God restored David as a man after His own heart. He was totally and completely forgiven. And if God has convicted you on any sin in your life and you confess it and forsake it, you will be forgiven as well of ANY sin. Period.

Remember 1 John 1:9 "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness".

This is not up to the "church" to forgive, but up to God.

Be assured if you have confessed and asked forgiveness, you ARE forgiven no matter what you FEEL. It is faith and NOT feelings that determine our relationship with God.

I think you might be struggling with (as most of us here with OCD do) the feeling that you may have committed an unpardonable sin. Be sure you have not. The very fact that you seek Jesus and want His forgiveness proves you have not. OCD has a way of attaching itself on out darkest fears and then won't let us go. But we must ignore and resist it in order for it to diminish it's grip on us. I know it is easier said than done, but with God's help through prayer, it can be done (nothing is impossible with God).

Also, if your repentance is only inspired from a fear of hell, don't fret. Many of us started that way and then beheld God's love and forgiveness for us and our walk with Him became a walk out of love and not fear anymore. I know that if you haven't experienced that yet, if you keep walking with Him you will eventually, and your whole outlook and life will change. But in the meantime God loves you and His sincerest desire is to forgive you and heal you of any past wrongs as well as any conditions like OCD you might be struggling with. Even when we don't feel Him at all, He is still there.

I hope this helps some and is of some comfort. I prayed for you and know God will place His loving arms around you and comfort you concerning this very soon.

 

[annrobert]

amen sunmicroman

 

[hope_is_last_to_die]

consequences, what we sow we reap. This doesnt mean that God hasnt forgiven us, rather we live with the consequences of our sin. I think one of the consequences is feeling guilty for what we have done wrong. I agree with what sun said that when God forgives us it is total forgiveness. However I know that it can take time to heal from the wounds of sin and sometimes it can be a lifetime struggle. This is why we must stay close to God and seek His comfort and help day by day.

OCD definitely makes this struggle harder because of the feelings of insecurity. God gives security in His truth that when we ask Him to forgive our sins He does forgive them. To see yourself safe and secure in Father Gods loving arms and praise Him for forgiving your sins. Yes praise Him, rejoice and give thanks to Him that your sins are forgiven!

 

[HopingForJesus]

Thank you everyone for your caring and different points of view. I might write more later, but my brain is tired from thinking too much. I am just having a bit of trouble with this right now, but I will remember what you guys have said. God bless and thank you again.