crazy idea?

[dano884christ]

Hey

I kinda wanna marry my girlfriend right after I propose, do it at a courthouse, and then do a larger ceremony. is this a "christian" thing to do, or should I wait to plan a wedding to marry her.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

I'll skip the stuff about is she a christian, are you sure its love...etc and just skip to the answer.

Theres nothing wrong with that. There are three parts to a relationship. The bf/gf stage, the engagement stage and the "lets get married" stage. Everyone goes through these stages differently. Theres no right or wrong way to do it as long as you are sure you are meant for each other.

I knew my fiance for about a month before I engaged to her. Since then its been 11 months and by our 1 year and and 2 month mark of being engaged, we are getting married. If it wasn't that she lives 8,000+ miles away I would have married her after I proposed. However I am glad the rules are complicated because the waiting has grown us to be an even strong couple and also it tests just how in love we are.

As you know patience is a hard thing for us since we have our own concept of what time is according to us.

 

[NiobiumTragedy]

It's crazy in that it's selfish.

Weddings are as much for family and friends to celebrate your union as it is for the union to take place. Everyone I've met who has done this had a hard time with their families after because they weren't part of or even aware it was going to happen.

If neither of you have friends or family, then by all means, go for it. But if you value those relationships, do it the proper way.

 

[Luther073082]

It's crazy in that it's selfish.

Weddings are as much for family and friends to celebrate your union as it is for the union to take place. Everyone I've met who has done this had a hard time with their families after because they weren't part of or even aware it was going to happen.

If neither of you have friends or family, then by all means, go for it. But if you value those relationships, do it the proper way.

Agree with this. . .

Also getting engaged and then getting married in a courthouse the same day makes it seem like it wasn't a well thought out decision and one that was done in a hurry. It seems very impulsive.

This is especially true if you waiting to have sex. You are going to have a lot of people thinking the two of you got horny and you rushed into marriage so you could have sex. It doesn't matter if this is true or not, it's what people will think.

I would be very weary about doing something like that on impulse. Have you discussed marriage with your GF. . . how do you think she would take an idea like that? Would an impulsive idea like that make her lose respect for you or possibly even change her mind about marrying you. It would have with my wife. . . I don't know about yours because I don't know the woman. But if I was suddenly impulsive like that, I'm not sure my wife would have still wanted to marry me.

Also it's worth noting that some states have a waiting period on a marriage license. In Florida for example, there is a 3 day waiting period unless you get approved pre-marital counciling beforehand. (They had approved the pre-maritial counciling of the pastor that married us). So we didn't have a waiting period on the license, but we also didn't get married at the courthouse either. With your idea however, you would have to go sign up for it and wait for 3 days before you could marry.

This just doesn't sound like a good idea.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

It's crazy in that it's selfish.

Weddings are as much for family and friends to celebrate your union as it is for the union to take place. Everyone I've met who has done this had a hard time with their families after because they weren't part of or even aware it was going to happen.

If neither of you have friends or family, then by all means, go for it. But if you value those relationships, do it the proper way.

I disagree. The bible says a wedding is between a man and a woman who love each other. It doesn't says its between a man, a woman and all their friends and family.

When you think about the price of a wedding. Every person extra you invite adds tot he price. More food, bigger halls, more plans...etc. As it is my family (outside of my parents) is annoyed that I am having a my wedding in the Philippines instead of in America. I tried telling them we would have a reception a year later when my fiance comes here (as my wife obviously). But they thats wrong.

All to often the added stress of a wedding comes from having to plan one out because everyone you've met thinks they should come. To me you can have a wedding however you want, then inform people you are getting married and not having anyone at it, well aside from the witness('s) of course.

So likewise its also selfish for people to bug you about having a wedding they can go to. As I said its about what the bride and groom want, not what everyone else thinks you should do.

 

[iambren]

It's crazy and a little selfish too. There's a reason why things are done the way they are. Give a LITTLE time. I proposed and had wedding 3 mos later. You can have a very simple wedding in a few weeks....SIMPLE! Your wife-to-be may have had thoughts about this day for a long time and it would be selfish to steal her day of marrying you.

Love/marriage can be done in a swift way but not cool in a frenzied way!

 

[NiobiumTragedy]

I disagree. The bible says a wedding is between a man and a woman who love each other. It doesn't says its between a man, a woman and all their friends and family.

When you think about the price of a wedding. Every person extra you invite adds tot he price. More food, bigger halls, more plans...etc. As it is my family (outside of my parents) is annoyed that I am having a my wedding in the Philippines instead of in America. I tried telling them we would have a reception a year later when my fiance comes here (as my wife obviously). But they thats wrong.

All to often the added stress of a wedding comes from having to plan one out because everyone you've met thinks they should come. To me you can have a wedding however you want, then inform people you are getting married and not having anyone at it, well aside from the witness('s) of course.

So likewise its also selfish for people to bug you about having a wedding they can go to. As I said its about what the bride and groom want, not what everyone else thinks you should do.

If you want to look at it like that, think back to the first wedding. It was a large party with practically the whole town invited. Plus, there are a lot of things the Bible isn't specific on... how to hold a wedding is one of them and thus we rely on tradition and consideration of the past and present.

A wedding doesn't have to be a lavish $10,000 event. Mine wasn't even close to that because neither of us wanted it. Even at that, we're not talking about the cost of a wedding, we're talking about the consideration of other people in a large life changing decision. How would your family had felt if you not only told them you were getting married in the Philippines, but that you already did it without even telling them first? My guess would be they would be a lot more angry than the issue of having to travel. At least they have the option to go at this point and be a part of it.

Plus, the bigger issue here: why would they be getting married so quickly? The first thing that comes to mind is that they want sex and don't want to wait which is a very wrong reason to get married in the first place. It really boils down to a few things: are they both actually ready for it? Are they in a place where they will be able to survive? Smart people don't rush into things like this; they make life altering decisions carefully.

 

[Luther073082]

I disagree. The bible says a wedding is between a man and a woman who love each other. It doesn't says its between a man, a woman and all their friends and family.

When you think about the price of a wedding. Every person extra you invite adds tot he price. More food, bigger halls, more plans...etc. As it is my family (outside of my parents) is annoyed that I am having a my wedding in the Philippines instead of in America. I tried telling them we would have a reception a year later when my fiance comes here (as my wife obviously). But they thats wrong.

All to often the added stress of a wedding comes from having to plan one out because everyone you've met thinks they should come. To me you can have a wedding however you want, then inform people you are getting married and not having anyone at it, well aside from the witness('s) of course.

So likewise its also selfish for people to bug you about having a wedding they can go to. As I said its about what the bride and groom want, not what everyone else thinks you should do.

Wedding's don't cost a lot of money, receptions do. And even then you can have a reception for cheap if you are willing to cut out the big costs which is usually location, catering, DJ's, and a professional photographer.

You do it in a church hall, have food that doesn't require catering, don't have any music or if you do have a friend hook up speakers to his laptop and you have your friends taking photos and you can have a pretty cheap reception.

The biggest cost of a wedding is typically in the bride's dress which again you can just have her wear the nicest dress she already owns or just a regular dress for the event. This is how most people got married up until the late 1800's and Queen Victoria made it cool to wear a white dress that you will never wear again to your wedding.

I honestly hate it when people use the price of weddings as their excuse to go running off and doing something impulsive. Because the reality is that a wedding doesn't have to cost a lot of money if you don't want it to.

Yeah a lot of people spend a lot of money on weddings. That doesn't mean you have to. And you can have a planned wedding in a church with friends and family (however many or few you choose to invite), without spending a fortune on it.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

How would your family had felt if you not only told them you were getting married in the Philippines, but that you already did it without even telling them first? My guess would be they would be a lot more angry than the issue of having to travel. At least they have the option to go at this point and be a part of it.

For me personally I would not care how my family feels mainly because they have nothing to do with me because they don't like that I don't work like my younger cousins (who aren't disabled). I should point out though, I am not mad at them. I have forgiven them but have chosen to keep them at a safe distance.

However with all that said, my fiance did happen to mention at least sending them emails/cards stating we are having a wedding.

Plus, the bigger issue here: why would they be getting married so quickly? The first thing that comes to mind is that they want sex and don't want to wait which is a very wrong reason to get married in the first place. It really boils down to a few things: are they both actually ready for it? Are they in a place where they will be able to survive? Smart people don't rush into things like this; they make life altering decisions carefully.

THere are bigger questions, I agree. Marriage is not something you just quickly do like deciding last minute to go out to eat. Its something that requires alot and will change your life forever as you stated.

Yeah a lot of people spend a lot of money on weddings. That doesn't mean you have to. And you can have a planned wedding in a church with friends and family (however many or few you choose to invite), without spending a fortune on it.

Yeah that is true. I know for me personally my fiance lost her job and has no money (she lives with mother at the church home). And I only get about $332 a month after I pay for rent, meds...etc. So I can't afford much of a wedding at all. I think my fiance has it tallied up at $1,000. I believe shes also renting her dress unless we can find one in her small size here.

It just depends on the person, their budget....etc. My family (outside of my parents) are very well off. My cousins wedding she just had (with reception) cost over $150,000. My jaw dropped when I heard. lol

 

[peckaboo]

I disagree. The bible says a wedding is between a man and a woman who love each other. It doesn't says its between a man, a woman and all their friends and family.

There are a lot of things that the Bible doesn't get real specific about, but it does tell us to love our neighbours and to exercise compassion in our dealings with other people. Unless there's a very good reason for rushing a courthouse wedding, it doesn't seem like a very respectful / compassionate way to treat your family.

I do know two couples who did this, however. One was for visa reasons - they needed to be legally married in order for the guy to live here, so they had a courthouse wedding, but didn't live as a married couple until they'd had the church wedding a month or so later. Another couple was in the middle of planning their church wedding, when the bride's sister was diagnosed with a brain tumour and given a few weeks to live. The sister wanted to be at the wedding but the church didn't have an available date to move it forward, so the couple had a courthouse wedding with just their immediate family present. Then on the date they had originally been planning the wedding for, they had a celebratory service of blessing to which all their friends, extended family etc were invited.

Would you consider a courthouse wedding soon after your engagement, to which your immediate families were invited, followed by a big church wedding for everyone else?

I also agree with iambren - you don't have to spend ages planning a church wedding. We were only engaged about 11 weeks, but we delegated a lot of tasks and asked people for help so that we could get everything done in time. People are so happy to help with weddings!

 

[CounselorForChrist]

Would you consider a courthouse wedding soon after your engagement, to which your immediate families were invited, followed by a big church wedding for everyone else?

Well as it stands I will go there and have a wedding with her friends and family. Followed by a reception. Cost around just under $1,000 USD. Then in a year when she comes here to the USA we will have another ceremony/celebration for family and friends. I guess I'm more annoyed by the fact that the family I have told is mad because I am not having the wedding here. And of course my grandmother (who plays favorites with us grandchidren) was mad because I told my aunt about the wedding instead of her first. >.<

I told them for one I believe the wedding should be in her hometown which often seems to be the case. And secondly because of spousal visa rules its 100% easier to go there and get married.

 

[LinkH]

Hey

I kinda wanna marry my girlfriend right after I propose, do it at a courthouse, and then do a larger ceremony. is this a "christian" thing to do, or should I wait to plan a wedding to marry her.

Just try to do things in a way that honors parents and doesn't trample on anyone's conscience.

If she doesn't believe she is married unless she does it in a church, then she might not be honoring God with her conscience on your wedding night, and you don't want that. You want to do everything to promote her sanctification, and that will be a big responsibility if you are both Christians.

As far as wedding ceremonies go, there is nothing in the Bible about going to a priest/elder of the church, pastor, or preacher to get married. In the Bible, marriage has to do with the father of the bride-- if he's alive-- giving his daughter away in marriage to the groom. The Old Testament gives a little detail about this in certain laws. The New Testament also mentions giving in marriage.

The pagan, pre-Christian Romans had a weddings that involved the giving of a ring and saying some words in front of a pagan priest. Apparently, Christians adapted this, developing a ceremony containing some of the same elements, but substituting a church elder/priest for the pagan priest.

I really doubt the early believers had this kind of ceremony while the apostles were alive. They certainly wouldn't have done the pagan Roman ceremony, certainly not with the approval of the church. In the Old Testament, getting married to a virgin involved paying $600 or so worth of silver shekels to her father. It became the custom to have a wedding feast, as we see in the time of Samson, and later in the time of Christ. The Jews also had a practice of a man writing a kind of wedding contract for what he agreed to provide for his wife.

But, you may have some relatives that believe a preacher has to say certain words for you to be wed. You certainly want your marriage to be honorable in the sight of men. You don't want people thinking ill of your bride.

If you had a small ceremony, it's not that hard to get a preacher to perform one if you know some of them, and your wedding isn't being done under scandalous circumstances.