Crashed

[EB812]

i've been at university now for 2 weeks. At first everything was great - no one knew me and no one knew my past of self harm and suicide attempts.
I had a lot of fun meeting people, going to lots of paries, getting drunk and generally having fun.
Now things have crashed completely. i've been cutting myself really seriously.
I've started a new church and one person does know about the self harm-she is one of the student workers. She wants me to meet up with someone and get prayer etc. I don't want to do that because I also have a problem with attention seeking and don't want to get dependant on someone as I have a tendency to do.
I am beating myself up mentally over the self harm and attention thing. I can't work out what is really going on and what I am exagerrating. I don't feel I can talk to anyone anymore incase it is just because I want attention which I know is wrong.
I can't face church or cell - I just want to run away from it all but I don't. You see in so many ways I don't want to stop self harming at all-what's wrong with it anyway-it's just my way of coping.
I don't know what to do

 

[penguinfacesnorth]

I just want to run away from it all but I don't. You see in so many ways I don't want to stop self harming at all-what's wrong with it anyway-it's just my way of coping.
I don't know what to do

It might be the way you cope, but its not a healthy method of coping. I used to have the same thoughts about it as you do, in fact some days I still do, I view it as not hurting anyone else so where is the harm? But it does harm, even if we don't want to admit it. I would recommend finding someone to talk to about these issues, someone you can trust and can possibly help you find alternatives to the self harm. It won't be easy at all, and sometimes you will find yourself resorting to the cutting again, but in the end if you can find a better way to cope you will be better off. Also with the drinking, it may seem like that is a good escape, but it doesn't solve anything either, it just makes them worse. I hate to sounds like I'm telling you not to do either, but I've been where you are and know they don't help even if you think they might at the time. Also, do not hesitate to ask God for help with the issues that are causing you to cut or turn to the alcohol. Good luck on trying to overcome the self-harm. Its not an easy task but once you realize its not a healthy way to deal, you can begin to get better and eventually not need to cut anymore. I will be praying for you.

 

[bliz]

There are bigger issues here than cuttinig or not cutting. You are not comfortable in your life at university at this point. I suspect that you are not comfortable with yourself.

If you wish to avoid attaching yourself to someone seeing a professional counselor would be ideal. You will only see that at appointments and they will be a real help to you in sorting all your emotions out. Most campuses have inexpensive or even free counseling services. Please take advantage of them.

 

[EB812]

I've done counselling and it's got me no where. 7 years this has gone on and I've seen a psychiatrist and been on anti-depressants but now I'm off the medication and have been for a year. I'm not depressed, I just cut to cope with things.
Yes, I guess i am not comfortable with myself-i have very litle self esteem-in fact I kind of hate myself.
I've decided to not talk to anyone anymore. Maybe I need to cut myself off from everything and force myself to cope on my own. Maybe that is what it is going to take-I don't know but it's worth a try-nothing else has worked.

 

[Angelsdance]

i've been at university now for 2 weeks. At first everything was great - no one knew me and no one knew my past of self harm and suicide attempts.
I had a lot of fun meeting people, going to lots of paries, getting drunk and generally having fun.
Now things have crashed completely. i've been cutting myself really seriously.
I've started a new church and one person does know about the self harm-she is one of the student workers. She wants me to meet up with someone and get prayer etc. I don't want to do that because I also have a problem with attention seeking and don't want to get dependant on someone as I have a tendency to do.
I am beating myself up mentally over the self harm and attention thing. I can't work out what is really going on and what I am exagerrating. I don't feel I can talk to anyone anymore incase it is just because I want attention which I know is wrong.
I can't face church or cell - I just want to run away from it all but I don't. You see in so many ways I don't want to stop self harming at all-what's wrong with it anyway-it's just my way of coping.
I don't know what to do

Hey sweetie,

Just to let you know, I know EXACTLY what your going through. I've been there, self injury, attempted suicide, I've been clinically determined Maniac depressive, with suicidal and psychotic tendencies. Self injury has always been considered an "attention getter" and a "coping method". Now the reason I said attention getter, is because you do it, so people know your emotionally hurting. And your basically saying, "Hey!! I need help!!" But without words. Thank God, I haven't self injured in 7 months!! It's been a blessing. With self injury, you have to take it a step at a time, and you can achieve it SOO much easier with God's help. I've had the whole psychology bit, that never did me any good. It was just a waste of time and money for me to go. The only thing that did help, was God. Take it one day at a time. Be like, "God, I know your with me. I just need your strength today, so please help me not to self injure." However, if you do, try not to do it as badly. Or as deep. gradually pull yourself away from it until your finally able to stop. You just have to keep relying on the Lord for your strength, pray whenever you get the urge, and don't stop praying until you stop having the urge. Also, having some kind of physical activity will also help, like a martial arts, or going to the gym. Anything to get your adrenaline pumping and keep your mind occupied. Pushing your limitations in other directions then self injury. I know it's hard, I've already been through it for 4 years. But God will help you, all you have to do is have a willing heart, and an open mind. God bless you and my PM is always open if you ever want to talk. God bless!!!


(*(Angelsdance)*)

 

[Angelsdance]

I've done counselling and it's got me no where. 7 years this has gone on and I've seen a psychiatrist and been on anti-depressants but now I'm off the medication and have been for a year. I'm not depressed, I just cut to cope with things.
Yes, I guess i am not comfortable with myself-i have very litle self esteem-in fact I kind of hate myself.
I've decided to not talk to anyone anymore. Maybe I need to cut myself off from everything and force myself to cope on my own. Maybe that is what it is going to take-I don't know but it's worth a try-nothing else has worked.

Sweetie, cutting yourself off from the outside world is only going to cause your hurting to be much worse. Something that might help is going out and meeting Christian people. It's not easy, God knows how many times I've messed up trying. But God will send the right person To you! They don't have to be your crutch, or your dependant. They can be your friend, and earthly guide. I have one, she isn't someone I have to go ALL THE time, but she is one of my best friends, and I love her dearly, and without her, I'd be completely in a bind because she's taught me so much in God and what God expects from me. I hope you will try to find some christain friends, just pray that God will send some people your way. God bless.


(*(Angelsdance)*)

 

[crashedman]

i've been at university now for 2 weeks. At first everything was great - no one knew me and no one knew my past of self harm and suicide attempts.
I had a lot of fun meeting people, going to lots of paries, getting drunk and generally having fun.
Now things have crashed completely. i've been cutting myself really seriously.
I've started a new church and one person does know about the self harm-she is one of the student workers. She wants me to meet up with someone and get prayer etc. I don't want to do that because I also have a problem with attention seeking and don't want to get dependant on someone as I have a tendency to do.

I'm pleased to know that you've met this lady, but I think you need to differentiate between what is positive and negative attention seeking. Your tendency to self-term is also a form of attention seeking, which has some pretty dangerous implications.

I am beating myself up mentally over the self harm and attention thing. I can't work out what is really going on and what I am exagerrating. I don't feel I can talk to anyone anymore incase it is just because I want attention which I know is wrong.
I can't face church or cell - I just want to run away from it all but I don't. You see in so many ways I don't want to stop self harming at all-what's wrong with it anyway-it's just my way of coping.
I don't know what to do

You haven't told us what the self-harm is coping with. Did something happen to you when you were very young that made you want to start doing it? Were there problems in your family at the time which you felt you were powerless to do anything about?


Crashedman

 

[bliz]

Hey sweetie,

Just to let you know, I know EXACTLY what your going through. I've been there, self injury, attempted suicide, I've been clinically determined Maniac depressive, with suicidal and psychotic tendencies. Self injury has always been considered an "attention getter" and a "coping method". Now the reason I said attention getter, is because you do it, so people know your emotionally hurting. And your basically saying, "Hey!! I need help!!" But without words.

(*(Angelsdance)*)

Actually, very few cutters have any interest in getting attention through their cutting, or whatever. Most are embarassed by it and keep it hidden and do not tell anyone about it. Few people really understand. That's part of what is so great about site like this - people can seek help without having to identify themelves.

Cutting is generally a symptom of a problem, not a problem in and of itself. That's the coping part. Exteral bodily pain, for some reason, quenches internal emotional pain.

If you are looking for therapy to stop the cutting, it won't. Therapy can help you with whatever is causing the pain and as that fades, the cutting will probably do so as well. Forget about the cutting! That's not the issue.

 

[EB812]

The attention seeking part of my cutting is the reason that it gives for me to talk to someone. I never cut myself in obvious places-no one has ever seen the cuts. For me the power is in the fact that if I cut then I have a few people that I can ring and they take notice of me then. I feel i can't talk to them unless something is wrong so I cut so i have something to say. I'm not saying that that is the only reason why I cut and sometimes I never tell anyone.
One of the reasons that I cut is because I hate myself-I have a very low self esteem and hurting myself is one way of punishing myself. Another way i hurt myself is starving myself. In the past I have suffered from depression but I don't think that I am a the moment. In many ways I have no reason to cut but I do and that makes me hate myself even more.