Courting

[DJ B.K.]

I read on another christian message board about this alternative to dating called courting. To my understanding at least it invovles not doing anything like kissing or even holding hands or anything like that. You also do't go looking for someone but mostly start courting with a friend. at least that's how it seemed it worked. If anybody could explain it more and give me their opinion on it would be helpful.

 

[Galadriel]

I read on another christian message board about this alternative to dating called courting. To my understanding at least it invovles not doing anything like kissing or even holding hands or anything like that. You also do't go looking for someone but mostly start courting with a friend. at least that's how it seemed it worked. If anybody could explain it more and give me their opinion on it would be helpful.

Mmm...courting. My friend, or at least used to be friend is courting. I think courting is basically like a very non-contact form of dating with the intent to marry the person that you are going out with. And so, my friend wants to get married. This is the first boyfriend that she has ever had, and she wants to marry.

 

[MetalBlade]

Not for sure...? I think courting dates back to Medieval times..er the Renaissance I think. IMO courting is a fancier word for dating!

 

[DustedOffMouse]

My friend's family believes in courting. And what it is, in their church, is this....

When a young man has the intent to get to know and marry a woman, he talks to her father. Never to her, only to her father. He gets to know her dad and talk to him and endear himself to him. Then he asks permission to get to know the daughter. He is never allowed alone with her, they are never allowed to hold hands, kiss or anything. Eventually he is expected to ask for a marriage blessing ... otherwise he never would have been allowed to court in the first place ... and the father either gives it or doesnt, depending on the interaction he sees between his daughter and the guy. After they are engaged, they might be able to spend time alone, but still no touching, no holding hands, no hugging no nothing until after the wedding.


Exteme no-contact dating-the-father-first kind of dating.

 

[IslandBreeze]

I think it's a really bad idea not to have at least a little bit (hugging, cuddling, kissing) of intimacy before you get married.

 

[DustedOffMouse]

I agree with Cammie. In my friend Darra's church though, they can be thrown out the church for actual 'dating'. They have to go by the 'courting' I explained above. A little too extreme for my taste..... But she says she agrees with the concepts, so... whatever floats her boat I guess.

 

[wildernesse]

How do you know you want to marry someone if you don't know them at all--I think that this would lead to some seriously sad marriages.

--tibac

 

[SoldierofChrist]

This seems to be quite impossible this day in age, if this is truly what courting is about. I think courting as defined here is pretty much dead.

Our modern society is too developed to adopt something like this. I can see this happening in the early 20th century and before. Without the necessity of College for most people, it was easier to get to know the parents family's and actually follow this system to a T. However, speaking as a College student, this would be completely impossible for me, as my girlfriend's parents lives 5+ hours away.

There should be a purpose in dating, I believe that. I don't think anyone has any business dating someone they don't at least desire to marry someday. I also believe that you shouldn't just date someone you just met just because you think they are attractive. You need to get to know the person and develop a friendship with them first.

It must have been great back in the "courting age" when you could get to know someone and then talk to the father and "court" them for a couple months (if that) and then marry them. That's great, but impossible these days. I have to wait at least a year and a half to get married, and then I'm going to seminary.

Courting may actually still work for people, but those people must be a rare find considering the progress we have seen. It still works for the Amish, but, unless you want to become Amish and revert to their ways, I don't think courting is realistic anymore.

 

[FroZenDeSire]

wow that's amazingly HARD to do lol I have respect for those who can though. That's pretty hard. Anyways. I've been taught to date with marriage in mind. I wont date a guy i am not planning on marrying. Of course it might not work out and that's okay. I met my this guy in the summer before grade 10 and he asked me out right away. Some people thinking dating is to find the right guy me it's friendship. I said no and we became extremely good friends. I began to really like him so we started dating Right off the bat we both decided that we could spend the rest of our lives together (yes I know we were young) but now at the age of 18 and almost 3 years later we are still determind to get married He's my first boyfriend ever.

 

[Character9503]

I dont think that courting is marrying without getting to know the person. I allows you to view the person for who they really are. In my experiences in the dating world I realized that when you are holding hands with somebody you really dont see their heart. I found that when I was hugging my girlfriend the fact that she was in love with a complete jerk didn't bother me because of the phisical high I was feeling. when I walked hand in hand with my girlfriednd down the beach it didn't matter to me that she wasn't on the same page I was with God. I think courting In my vocab isn't "dating the dad." but getting to know the real girl and seeing who she is so that when we are 63 and we are both grey and wrinkly we will be in love the same way as when we got married.

 

[fry]

character, good call

I just finished a book called Boy meets Girl say hello to courtship by Joshua Harris. I highly recommend it to anyone who wants to know more about courting. It for sure helped me out with a few things I was struggling with.

 

[Mufazlan]

good book, boy meets girl...another even awsomer book, is "let God write your love story", by Eric and Lesie Ludy


i agree with alot of the modern takes of courtship but i also agree with some of the older more traditional ways....thew way i define it is this;

Courting: becoming best friends with a person of the opposite sex (and their family if you can) with the intention of marriage.

this doesn't neccessarily mean dating, but just hanging out, and getting to know someone...without showering what little money you have on them(in the guys case anyway).

and as far as physical touch goes, you have got to be honest with yourself with your own limits...personally, i hug and am a very just physical kind of guy with all my friends, but if it happens to be a girl i';m interested, the closer we get emotionally and spiritually, the farther away i become physically, just so that is not a hinderence to my thought life, and plus...i've commited to saving my first kiss until the alter, so i don't even want to risk that being comprimised.

-Mufa's thoughts

 

[He put me back together]

It seems to me that "courting" is merely an OLDER word for dating. It really doesn't mean anything different, because it has lasted for a long time, surpassing various practices. And that is what has changed--the practices. If anybody reads all of the verses to "Jingle Bells," he'll find practices that those in the courting persuasion refer to as dating practices. Two people alone in a sled...innocent fun, but alone nonetheless. Jingle bells was written in a time when the term "courting" was used quite fervently.
I think we should dispense with the word play and get down to the bone. As for being alone, as for asking fathers or daughters for a daughter's hand, we see differing stories in the Bible, although I'm sure most of us will agree that the Jews came to a relatively uniform practice long before the new testiment. What did Jesus say? Do not fornicate, do not commit adultery, and do not lust after any sin in your heart, because as a man thinks in his heart, so he is. Should KIDS be aloud to be alone together? Well, that depends on the age, and the parent's judgement on how good the kid's judgement is. Should single adults be alone together? It depends on the circumstance. Is holding hands wrong? COME ON.

 

[He put me back together]

oops...aloud = allowed

 

[YouthPastor]

wow that's amazingly HARD to do lol I have respect for those who can though. That's pretty hard. Anyways. I've been taught to date with marriage in mind. I wont date a guy i am not planning on marrying. Of course it might not work out and that's okay. I met my this guy in the summer before grade 10 and he asked me out right away. Some people thinking dating is to find the right guy me it's friendship. I said no and we became extremely good friends. I began to really like him so we started dating Right off the bat we both decided that we could spend the rest of our lives together (yes I know we were young) but now at the age of 18 and almost 3 years later we are still determind to get married He's my first boyfriend ever.

I would say GREAT JOB as far as the mindset of dating with marriage in mind - but I would add that most 15 year olds would not be able to do this. So for you you are to be commended.

Dating - sets you up for divorce. Think for a second - if you are dating someone - thigns get rough - what do you do - SEE YA!!!

The way Frozendesire was taugh is good - not to date anyone that you would not marry a caouple things I would add:

If you are going to date with marriage in mind - then don't date until you are ready for marraige.

Courtship at least to me - is becoming friends first. Normally in a group setting - a group of people are friends and do things together. You get to see more of the "real" person in a group setting than you do in a one on one dating relationship because one on one people put on these masks to try to look a certain way and act a certain way to try an impress the other person and by the time the "real" person comes out - it normally takes a couple of months and by then you are emotionall attached.

It is about becoming friends first - then as firends if there is a "connection"

I would agree - going to the dad of the girl - telling him that you think that his daughter is the one God has for you - ask him pray and get his permission to pursue his daughter.


I do not like the way we date in america - the only good that it does is to promote personal hygiene. Other than that "dating" stinks.

FrozenDesire - you said you were approached at about 15 to date a guy and you said no - but then you became really good freinds with the guy and you started dating with marriage in mind.

Basically if all christian teens did what you have done (preferabbly at an older age though) I think the divorce rate would drop.

What you are doing is basically the simplist way of doing it.

If you aren't already friends with the person - don't date. If you do date - date only those you could marry.

Agin though - I would not reccomend anyone doing that at 15. but it sounds like you probably are a smart girl and mature. Most peole at 15 could not make that kind of a decision.

 

[GodBoy809]

Dating - sets you up for divorce. Think for a second - if you are dating someone - thigns get rough - what do you do - SEE YA!!!

I disagree strongly with that! I've been dating my girlfriend for a little over 1 year, we don't have marriage in mind cus we still have college, but its our motto that if God keeps us together and we feel that its his will, we will get married. Also, My girlfriend and I have hit lots, and lots of rought spots! I'm talking hardcore rought spots, we hit this one point where i backslide from God and tried to literaly control her, but after a week i realized what i was doing and repented. But we came through it, and we've over come many rough spots, and we're still together. So how does dating set you up for divorce? I don't think it does.

 

[JillLars]

I agree with Godboy. I also think that dating helps people to develop standards. If you are with someone and they treat you like dirt, then you probably shouldn't marry them. If you marry the first person you date, and never have a chance to know how you should be treated, then that would set you up for divorce. Most dating couples don't just instantly break up when they have a problem, if they do, then that is what will make them more inclinded to get a divorce, it will be their failure to communicate and their tendency to avoid conflict, not dating itself.

 

[moemily1826]

i think courting can be the exclusive exulsive dating definition you know the serious one where your looking into marring this person dating is just getting to know them better and not really being sure dating is like the first step of courting, courting is the big one where you start thinking of who you wanna marry and you might have already found that person so i think it goes in steps 1)friends 2)good friends 3)dating 4)dating exclusivly 5)courting 6)engagment 7)marrige hope that helped

 

[FroZenDeSire]

YouthPastor: I tottally agree with you about the age thing. When I look back on it I think it was young as well.
The age I was at and my boyfriend was at were times when growing up is happening at a fast rate and you change alot. Fortunatly we changed towards each other. It's really hard to explain my feelings to wards him at first and now. We just clicked and now we are looking for engagment rings. God works in strange ways.

 

[YouthPastor]

When you get involved in a "dating" environment - you WILL become emotionally attached to that person. You give your heart to that person in a sense. Each time that "emotional attachment" is broken it WILL have an affect on you. You then take those emotional "scars" with you into the next emotional relationship, you become again become emotionall attached, howver this time you also have the "scars" from the previous relationship - When this relationship ends - you know have emotional "scars" from TWO replationships - If you end up "dating" 5 people before you find your spouse - You will have given your "heart" to 4 other people and have emotional "scars" that you will bring with you.

Proverbs 4:23
Above all else, guard your heart, for it affects everything you do.

While alot of different things you go through in life will affect you - dating/emotional relationships - affect your "heart" and with that you can not be too careful.