Courting: How long before engagement?

[OceanPoet87]

How long (have/did) you court before engagement or currently? Understanding that everything is in God's timing and everyone is different, what is the minimum length of time that a courting couple should be together before getting engaged (and short engagment: y/n)? Also, what is the maximum ammount of time a courting couple should be together before making a final decision to get engaged or not (i.e. 5 or 10 years is probably too long)?

 

[CounselorForChrist]

Really depends on the person/couple. Theres no right or wrong number really.

However I myself don't engage unless I think I know someone well enough to commit to marriage. Do we agree on must things (more so christian things), do we have the same values like no sex until marriage. Who will work? who would take care of the kids? Where do we live....etc. The first woman I met I was nieve and really thought it was true love so I engaged her after like a few days. lol. What a mistake. After two more failed relationships I learned alot.

So when I met my current fiance we talked about everything up front. We both wanted total trust from each other and communication. Less then two months later we both prayed and fasted for awhile. I then asked if she would marry me. Which made her so happy because its when I found out she fasted and prayed too and also got a good answer. So no we are engaged! Actually we've been together 13 months now and not had any real problems at all. But thats another topic about what a relationship takes lol.

On average though most people seem to engage 1-2 years. I've seen people get engaged after a week (and they have a great marriage now). I've also seen people who have engaged after 10+ years. But I really doubt either person would want to wait that long.

 

[sootylashes]

It really depends on the couple. I know of a couple, now married, who courted for just a few months. Then on of my friends, now married to her husband, was courted by him for about 5 years.

I think it depends on the couple's desires and their ages.

 

[Luther073082]

Depends strongly on age.

My wife and I where engaged after 8 months. But we where 26 at the time.

If you are like 20 though, you might want to consider waiting a bit longer.

As for deciding NOT to get engaged, if you ever realize that you don't want to spend the rest of your life with this person, break it off immediatly.

If you are sure you don't want to marry this person, end it now, so you don't waste her time or your own.

 

[K9_Trainer]

Depends strongly on age.

My wife and I where engaged after 8 months. But we where 26 at the time.

If you are like 20 though, you might want to consider waiting a bit longer.

As for deciding NOT to get engaged, if you ever realize that you don't want to spend the rest of your life with this person, break it off immediatly.

If you are sure you don't want to marry this person, end it now, so you don't waste her time or your own.

I agree with this.

Honestly there's no harm in waiting. If the relationship is right, waiting will only give you more opportunity to strengthen and build the relationship even more, and get to know each other more. If it's not right, then waiting can save you from entering a miserable situation. Don't be in a rush to get married for sex.

And I agree that if you can't decide for sure that you want to marry somebody or you decide that you don't want to, the relationship should be ended. It doesn't matter if this happens 2 months into the relationship, or 2 years.

 

[dano884christ]

we were together a bit less than two years

 

[OceanPoet87]

All really helpful pieces of advice everyone. Thank you I'm 25 and she's 22 so we're mature mature Christians. We're planning to court 10 months and then a 4-5 month engagement. We knew each other for three or four months prior to courting.

 

[Nerd Girl Supreme]

My hubby and I courted for about six months before he proposed. We were engaged for about four months, so in less than a year from meeting, we were married. Things did move pretty quickly for us, and I would generally not recommend such a brief courtship for other people lol. It's funny, but looking back, I felt like I'd DIE if we didn't get married, but now I wish I could have savored those precious days of expectation and planning and excitement a little longer. I think at least one year of dating/courting is a good idea for most situations. I think if more than two years goes by, it's time to break it off or take it further, especially for mature adults. As for the engagement, I didn't always believe this, but I think it should last long enough to plan and carry out the wedding, it's not some sort of advanced stage of dating that should drag on for years.

 

[Luther073082]

All really helpful pieces of advice everyone. Thank you I'm 25 and she's 22 so we're mature mature Christians. We're planning to court 10 months and then a 4-5 month engagement. We knew each other for three or four months prior to courting.

You know I wouldn't do it quite that way.

How about you date (I hate the term court and how Christians use it, but that's for another thread) for 10 months then have a discussion on marriage and where both of you are. If both of you are feeling like getting married, then great, you get a ring, ask her sometime in the future and go from there.

If not then the two of you can extend for 3 to 6 months and talk about it again.

I wouldn't put it off more then 2 years of total dating because you should probably know by then. But I would after those 10 months get an answer from each other that is basically "Marriage - Yes or Not sure" Obviously if the answer is "No" then you need to break up. But there isn't anything wrong with a "Not sure" after 10 months. Even if the other party is sure.

Also once you get engaged then you discuss engagement length and try to pick a date.

 

[Luther073082]

My hubby and I courted for about six months before he proposed. We were engaged for about four months, so in less than a year from meeting, we were married. Things did move pretty quickly for us, and I would generally not recommend such a brief courtship for other people lol. It's funny, but looking back, I felt like I'd DIE if we didn't get married, but now I wish I could have savored those precious days of expectation and planning and excitement a little longer. I think at least one year of dating/courting is a good idea for most situations. I think if more than two years goes by, it's time to break it off or take it further, especially for mature adults. As for the engagement, I didn't always believe this, but I think it should last long enough to plan and carry out the wedding, it's not some sort of advanced stage of dating that should drag on for years.

Really like this part. A red flag always goes up when someone "gets engaged" but doesn't at least set a tentative date within a few days of getting engaged.

I have a cousin that got engaged before I got engaged to my wife, he might have gotten engaged before I even met my wife. (I do not honestly remember)

They are still engaged and I still have not heard of any date for the wedding.

To be fair I don't think they are Christians, so they don't have the same view of marriage as we do.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

Really like this part. A red flag always goes up when someone "gets engaged" but doesn't at least set a tentative date within a few days of getting engage

You don't have to have a date. Engaging means you are taking your relationship seriously and want to marry.

Not to mention you can't always have date depending on circumstances. In my case my fiance is overseas so we didn't really have a date. It was based on when we got paperwork done. Originally we thought around December 2012. Then Feb 2013. Now that the paperwork is done it should be around March 12th. But even that can change based on various things.

 

[Niels]

A lot depends on the couple. Although age can be a factor, especially for those under 25, I don't think being older negates the importance of getting to know each other well enough beforehand. Personally, I doubt I'd pop the question before the 1 year mark. The idea being that you want see what this person is like over a longer period of time, to get a feel for being a couple, to see what potential deal breakers (if any) surface etc. Although dragging it out can be problematic for the reasons others mentioned, you don't want to rush things. Again, a lot depends on the couple. What works for one couple doesn't necessarily work for another.

As far as engagements go, I'd set aside as much time as you think it will take to plan the wedding, invite the guests, and go through premarital counseling.

 

[somethingBEAUTIFUL]

I believe it's wise to date for at least a year before becoming engaged. When I was younger, I was given this advice. The point behind this is that a year (or more- nothing wrong with some extra time dating, within reason) allows you to get to know the person well, and go through each season and holiday together. Very important in my opinion!

Ironically this worked for my boyfriend and me. We've been together 13 months now, and he bought my engagement ring 3 weeks ago. He hasn't asked me yet, which is fine, and he sure is a blessing in my life! We are thinking of marrying sometime in-between July and September.

 

[PetLuv]

I agree that it depends on the people involved and their life goals.

Truthfully said I don't think I would stay in a relationship more than a year without seeing some significant degree of progression such as engagement.
If you know someone for a year and don't feel well enough about them to be moving forward for some reason then it is just not worth wasting anyone's time on it because I don't think it would happen after that.

 

[Nienna_Lady_of_Tears]

Really like this part. A red flag always goes up when someone "gets engaged" but doesn't at least set a tentative date within a few days of getting engaged.

I have a cousin that got engaged before I got engaged to my wife, he might have gotten engaged before I even met my wife. (I do not honestly remember)

They are still engaged and I still have not heard of any date for the wedding.

To be fair I don't think they are Christians, so they don't have the same view of marriage as we do.

Sometimes things happen that make it impossible to do this though. For instance, when a parent steps in and decides no way, no how, are you ever marrying that person and locks you in your bedroom to make sure you don't.

That's what happened to me. I had to become homeless in order to marry him.