Could use some advice/support

[TheOtherHockeyMom]

I'm in a bit of a church crisis right now, and could use some suggestions, support, etc.

Some background...I was raised Catholic, and loved two things about the Church, the focus on social justice (I'm of an age to recall when many churches and priests were spreading Liberation Theology), and the traditional, beautiful services.

In recent years, I drifted away from the Catholic Church, and found a church home in the Episcopal Church. During those years, my first marriage (with no kids) sorta fell apart and I had an amicable divorce, then later remarried in the Episcopal Church, had 2 great kids and am part of a happy family. Two years ago, I was received formally into the Episcopal Church.

Since then we've moved twice, including a move one year ago to our current home. We live in a great old town, with lots of history and many beautiful churches. So, I looked up the Episcopal church in town and was pleased when I drove by and it was an amazing looking church...my previous two churches were modern, and fairly boring from an architecture perspective, although they were great, vibrant communities.

So, when I attended the first time, I was surprised to see only about 10 people at the service. I've been attending faithfully since then, and have found the priest to be a wonderful, inspiring person. However, I'm feeling myself drifting away for two reasons. One is that the church is so small, there is often no nursery unless I'm doing it. So, most services involve me taking my kids to the nursery, trying to come up in time for communion, then staying around for the last prayers and songs. Since the congregation is so small, it's also hard to find any sense of community in worship. I really miss being part of a vibrant church.

I've learned that the reason the church is so small in numbers is that the year before I moved here, many of the parishioners left to form an Anglican Church because they were opposed to the ordination of gay and women bishops. I'm pretty liberal in that area, and personally support the ordination and election of both our presiding Bishop and Bishop Gene Robinson.

I have to admit, I'm tempted, though, as the new Anglican Church has a nursery and Sunday School, although the one time I attended mass there, I really felt like I was selling out and betraying the folks at the Episcopal Church.

So, I don't know what to do...I figure I have a few options.
One, stay with the local Episcopal Church, and work to get more involved and see if I can motivate more attendance (any suggestions for doing that would be welcome). My only concern is that lately I find myself not wanting to go to Mass, and almost feel like some sort of agnosticism is stalking me.

Two, attend the Anglican Church so I can participate and have my kids participate in Sunday School and nursery. The downside is that I disagree with their primary reason for leaving the Episcopal Church...and a shallow reason, they are currently meeting in an old school gym..and I love my beautiful old church.

Three, consider looking for either a liberal leaning Catholic church (there are a lot of Catholic churches here in town) or another denomination with a traditional service and a social justice outlook. I might have to try for an annulment in that case.

I imagine that the first option is the right thing to do, but I'd sure like some thoughts on these issues.

 

[Minty]

I hope that I may answer your question?

I agree that you should stay where you currently are if you are mostly happy there, and I agree with you about the reasoning for the split (I certainly wouldn't attend the other church full time if you disagree with them about a fairly major issue). That said, I see no reason that you couldn't attend, maybe once a month, just so that your children can mix with others and so that you yourself can have a break from running the nursery.

This may sound strange, but has your church tried advertising? We have a small local paper here, and every month the local church runs a list of upcoming events, whether it be weddings, christenings, festival celebrations, special music recital evenings, concerts, jumble(table) sales and once a week (on Wednesdays) they also have a bread and soup lunch which the whole community is able to attend (donations welcome to cover costs). It's surprising the amount of people that go along . When there is something extra special happening, such as Christmas and Easter, they have brightly painted signs and banners hanging outside letting passersby know what is going on.


Sorry if that's not what you were looking for, and I wish you luck with whatever you decide

 

[ebia]

Sorry, no answers. Just prayers and a couple of questions:

So, when I attended the first time, I was surprised to see only about 10 people at the service. I've been attending faithfully since then, and have found the priest to be a wonderful, inspiring person. However, I'm feeling myself drifting away for two reasons. One is that the church is so small, there is often no nursery unless I'm doing it. So, most services involve me taking my kids to the nursery, trying to come up in time for communion, then staying around for the last prayers and songs. Since the congregation is so small, it's also hard to find any sense of community in worship. I really miss being part of a vibrant church.

1. A small church can still be vibrant, and a parish of 10 is either going to be mission oriented, vibrant and going to grow or it will fold. I guess you need to discern which of those it will be and what your part in that might be. As the only current young family you could be quite significant in the way the congregation grows (if it does). Another young family is much more likely to join if you are already there than if you are not.
2. Why do you need to take your children off to a nursery if the congregation is that small? Maybe thats' something you need to take up with the rector. You shouldn't need to miss out on every service - if you do something needs restructuring.

 

[pmcleanj]

You are not alone, in finding yourself wandering in search of a church community. Many of us have found that there simply is *no* local congregation that meets all the criteria on our search checklist. I think in those cases God may well have sent us as a gift to the church rather than the other way around; and that we may have both learning and work to do: learning about what really matters in a church, and work to help the church become all that God means it to be.

Ebia makes some good points about including the children in worship, about engaging the rector in helping with your choices, and about such a small congregation needing to grow or die. But you will need to discern first: which would that particular congregation rather do? It may seem obvious to us, but in truth there are many congregations that *would* rather die than change anything -- and growth would mean change. You need to spend some time with the rector and with the true lay-leader of the congregation (official or unofficial -- usually the unofficial lay-leader is the head of the altar guild, Mother's Union, or ECW) If they are not both eagerly yearning for a chance to grow, then that church is moribund. All you can do is wait and hope that they leave -- die off before the church does. You cannot fight them: a church that small is too fragile to survive internal discord and you as an "newcomer" will need the support of the "old guard" however small that old guard is.

But, if the existing leadership *is* eager for growth, and you offer yourself as interested in helping them find a style of outreach and worship that will bring in the harvest, you may be exactly the catalyst for growth they have been praying for. You'll need to talk to them and find out which way it is.
So

 

[higgs2]

If you decide to stay, ditch the nursery completely and take the kids to church. If the congregation is worth their salt they will be glad to have *all* of you. And I say that not knowing the ages of your kids; but whatever age they are they should be welcome.

 

[TheOtherHockeyMom]

Actually, this church is very welcoming to the kids at the service. My problem is that one of my guys is 15 months old, and I can't hold him in the pews during the service right now, he is very driven to get free and walk or run around the church. Even that's Ok, but I spend the whole service chasing after him and re-directing him when he wants to climb up to the alter or try and tumble down the stairs to the basement. When he was little he'd just nurse and sleep, and when he gets a bit older, he'll be happy to color or look at books, but he's at a rough age right now for sitting still.

I'm thinking I might try to get up and go to the early service (it's at 8am) and leave the kids with hubby, then bring them up to the later service and the nursery, then maybe I can get some sort of nursery program going.

 

[ebia]

Actually, this church is very welcoming to the kids at the service. My problem is that one of my guys is 15 months old, and I can't hold him in the pews during the service right now, he is very driven to get free and walk or run around the church. Even that's Ok, but I spend the whole service chasing after him and re-directing him when he wants to climb up to the alter or try and tumble down the stairs to the basement. When he was little he'd just nurse and sleep, and when he gets a bit older, he'll be happy to color or look at books, but he's at a rough age right now for sitting still.

With a just turned 3 year old myself I can empathise with that.

I'm thinking I might try to get up and go to the early service (it's at 8am) and leave the kids with hubby, then bring them up to the later service and the nursery, then maybe I can get some sort of nursery program going.

If that's where God is calling you that would be fantastic for your church.

 

[higgs2]

Actually, this church is very welcoming to the kids at the service. My problem is that one of my guys is 15 months old, and I can't hold him in the pews during the service right now, he is very driven to get free and walk or run around the church. Even that's Ok, but I spend the whole service chasing after him and re-directing him when he wants to climb up to the alter or try and tumble down the stairs to the basement. When he was little he'd just nurse and sleep, and when he gets a bit older, he'll be happy to color or look at books, but he's at a rough age right now for sitting still.

I'm thinking I might try to get up and go to the early service (it's at 8am) and leave the kids with hubby, then bring them up to the later service and the nursery, then maybe I can get some sort of nursery program going.

That is exactly what I would do. In fact, it's what I often *do* do I go to the 9:00 and then run Children's Chapel for the 11:00 and my family comes to the 11:00. It's nice to have the church time alone and it actually prepares me for actively pursuing my ministry; and I don't feel like I've missed out.

It *will* get easier with your baby, I promise. My 4 year old is just getting to the point where I don't feel like trading her in for a new model in the middle of church because of her antics (mostly, not always LOL)

edited to add: I see you have other kids, so you know it won't last forever Didn't mean to sound patronizing!

 

[Junglegal]

You have my sympathies, I attend a minute church, sometimes the congregation is two. We have a priest once a month, there is no life in the church at all. Tomorrow should have been our monthly service, but the priest is ill, so no service. I try to run a simple Sunday school most weeks, but I also run a small business which requires Sunday working sometimes, plus I do get a bit tired and discouraged of being the only one who is doing anything.

My alternative options are Seventh Day Adventist (no waaaay!) or nothing. (I live in a very remote place.)

How about a playpen for your runner? Would that be OK? Or old fashioned reins - just for service time.

My idea for reviving our church, which is village based, is to start a clean up/refurbishing programme. I have begun by planting some nice plants outside the church. I bleieve that the ladies would come out and clean and polish. I am also thinking of having an occasional "Songs of Praise" service where we would simply sing favourite hymns which would be advertised in advanced. (People here like to sing.) My optimism comes and goes, I don't want to be the leader, I want to be a follower!

 

[JasonV]

Everyone likes to feel like a part of a large organization. Nobody want's to be "alone" in something.

Perhaps it's time we all asked ourselves why?

 

[Albion]

Regardless of where we here stand on the liberal-conservative spectrum, we can appreciate your problem. Thank you for describing it so well for us.

In a nutshell, I'd say to choose the last option you presented.

I could go into it in more detail if you'd like, but being an Anglican myself (sorta like the school gym folks you referred to), a former Episcopalian, a former Roman Catholic, and a keen observer of trends in all these churches, I feel that you'd be better off as a Roman Catholic, so long as there's nothing else you find off-putting about Roman Catholicism that you didn't mention.

The only second-guessing I'd do about that concerns this fact--

The Roman Catholic church doesn't ordain openly gay or women bishops, either. So you wouldn't be gaining much there over the Anglicans. But I'd still think you'd be happier as a Catholic.

 

[TheOtherHockeyMom]

Thanks for all the thoughts and advice!
I've decided that for the next week or two, I'm going to attend mass at a few of the local Catholic parishes. Then, I'm going to make an appointment to talk to the priest at the Episcopal church and the priest at the Catholic parish.