Conversion Stories

[Reader Antonius]

Laudetur Iesus Christus!!!


Here is my "testimony" of my journey to Catholic Christianity. It is, so far, the best account I have yet compiled and it has taken a year to complete.

I suppose I should go to the basics.

I was born in Maryland to a nominal Catholic mother and a father with a Fundamentalist (bordering on extremism) Baptist family. Shortly thereafter, and much to the chagrin of my fundamentalist paternal grandparents I was baptized according to the Roman rite of the Catholic Church. Unfortunately, my genetic father was a drunkard and because of his problems my mother divorced him and moved to Florida in order to protect me.

So I grew up a mama's boy. Since she was nominal in her faith, I was never raised Catholic, or indeed Christian, but I did have some knowledge of who God is and a little about Jesus, but I certainly didn't have a relationship with Him. My maternal grandfather unfortunately came down with lung cancer when I was about five, and the doctors told him he had maybe a year to live. He had always wanted to see the beautiful Southern countryside, so we moved to Aiken, S.C. A year later he died.

I was too young to be really affected by his death though, but my mother was. She dated around alot until she met a man who I have no doubt was sent to her by God. He was a Southern Baptist and a devout one at that. He knew his Bible and most of his family was devoutly Christian. He was kind to me and mother and, in time, he married her and I happily became his adopted son. This of course brought me to God. My father's mother, my new grandma, began taking me to a small Ol' style Southern Baptist Church. The people were loving and they began to teach me about God and the Bible. During this time God granted me the grace of learning His written Word. I began to absorb and retain Biblical knowledge like a sponge. God filled me with a love of the Bible and I read as much as I could, unconciously memorizing many different verses rapidly. Quite frankly, I astounded my teachers and my pastor with my knowledge.

But then I came to the book of Revelation. It scared me and I went to my parents with my fears. My mother told me to talk to the pastor (my mother had recently become a "born-again" Bible believer). So I did, and he quizzed me about why the Cross was important and what it meant, and when I showed that I understood and believed this, he led me in the "Sinner's Prayer." Shortly thereafter I was re-baptized. By this time I was about nine years old and the Lord set my soul aflame for Him. My love for God and the Bible overflowed in my heart and I was constantly telling others about Jesus. I spent many hours at my Middle School witnessing to others about Christ, and I organized a Bible Study with my closest friends and I began to literally preach sermons before school began. My faith in the tenets of Evangelical Christianity was well-grounded and I was soon mocked for it. I began to be ridiculed as "the Preacher". Yet I continued on trying to help others get "saved". I believe this was God's work in my life.

Yet when I turned twelve, things began to change. I began to have crippling doubts about my salvation. You must understand that a major preoccupation among Evangelicals is "Eternal Security." Thus, I wasn't afraid of losing my salvation, but I was afraid that I never had it in the first place. Oh, how fearful that made me! I had anxiety attacks and I began to voraciously read any Evangelical document I could to allay my fears. I said the "Sinner's Prayer" maybe seven times during this doubting period, but always I was left wondering. The Bible makes it clear that we can be deceived (Jer. 17:9), so I began to wonder whether anyone could be "sure" of their salvation. Eventually I just sorta swallowed it, hoping that it would go away. It never did.

And so in this fragmented state I entered High School. Having been taken away from my devout Christian friends I was quickly yoked to evil ones, and I began to commit grave sins against God. My disconnect with my Baptist church soon led me into darker places, and I renounced Christ and Christianity for Celtic Recontructionist Paganism. I was deceived by the beauty of nature and the lies of Satan to the point where I prayed to false gods and I even made offerings to them. I practiced divination and a little magic and this led me further down this road. And as one might imagine, I continued to commit the same sins. Later my love of the samurai of Japan led me to embrace Shintoism and Buddhism. I never became devout in these religions, but I dabbled in them.

Nevertheless, I felt empty and I realized my fault. I had tasted God in my youth as an Evangelical, and I still loved Him. I repented of paganism and repented of my sins and turned back to God, recommiting my life to Jesus Christ. I soon began to study Evangelical theology again and I was back to trying to spread the Gospel, although not with the fervor of my "youth". Now fifteen, I began to become an Evangelical fortress of doctrine, I studied many different Christian writers and even anti-Catholic websites, and I began to get into Christian apologetics. I went so far as to begin thinking of becoming a Messianic Jew.

Then two things happened to me that both were little miracles of God. In the first one, a deacon at a local Catholic Church passed on to me a booklet entitled "Pillar of Fire, Pillar of Truth." I soon learned that it was written by a Catholic organization and I was skeptical that this book would have any Biblical basis, but to my great surprise it made abundant and germane use of Scripture. However, I scoffed at this, assuming w/out evidence that these Catholics had twisted the Scriptures to meet their diabolical ends, so I disposed of the book. But still, what that booklet said came up in my mind every now and then.

Then another incident occured which I believe to have been the direct physical intervention of God. While browsing the shelves of my school, I came upon a book entitled "99 Reasons to Become or Remain Catholic". To this day I don't know who wrote it, but I decided to read what it said. The book was apparently written by a former Presbyterian minister who recounted his journey to the Catholic Church. Throughout the book he based almost every single argument on the Bible. What interested me most was when he showed me that there is no guarantee of salvation promised in Scripture. He showed openly that we can indeed lose our salvation if we willingly turn from God by sin. I was shocked, but I knew in my heart what he said was true. And so, I wept...like a baby. I wept in fear and shame of my sins which had (at that time) become my chief vices.

However I don't believe that I had been given the gift of faith yet, and after talking to my father about it, I disposed of the book, confident that it was twisting the meaning of the Bible. I bought many books on Eternal Security all of them from a Evangelical perspective, mostly in an attempt to get rid of my doubts about salvation. Then, CARM.org came to my rescue. CARM is a Calvinist Evangelical organization that works in "anti-cult" ministry. It considers Catholicism an "apostate church." I read all about Catholicism on CARM and soon became convinced that the Catholic Church was not the Church of Christ. I shared this info with my parents, strengthening my father's faith that Catholicism was too inundated with unBiblical tradition to be true. Solidified in my faith in Evangelicalism, I began to debate with Jehovah's Witnesses on Beliefnet.com. It was there that God intervened again in my life. I began attacking the doctrine of Transubstantiation on a discussion forum on Beliefnet. I regurgitated CARM's arguments almost verbatim and expected the Catholics to be stumped, but to my great and utter surprise the Catholic I was speaking to was unphased. The Catholic said he didn't know how someone could read John 6 and not believe in the Real Presence. I had never really read John 6, and furthermore an open-minded Protestant on that very board said that there was little doubt that the Early Church Fathers believed in the Real Presence. This intrigued me, as I had always wanted to know what Early Christians believed, and how they worshipped. I went back to debating with the Jehovah's Witnesses and to add historical weight to my arguments that the Early Church believed in the Trinity, I turned to the Church Fathers.

To my immense surprise, I found a Catholic website (www.catholic.com) that cited the Church Fathers to substantiate Catholic doctrine. Curious, I finally chose to open my mind and listen to the Catholics. Now I had thought that the Catholic Church was one of the greatest threats to "Biblical" Christianity. I was led to believe that the Catholic Church worshipped (latria) Mary, believed that Jesus' sacrfice was insufficient, blasphemed Christ by re-sacrificing Him every Mass, and other things I had learned (mostly on CARM). Yet, to my surprise I learned that the Catholic Church doesn't really teach those things after all. Furthermore, I began to read Catholic Answers and I soon learned that the Catholic Church is more Biblical than I thought.

To help you understand my revelation on the Biblical foundations of Catholicism, let me give you a metaphor.

Imagine a puzzle with missing pieces. Some of the pieces are there, but some aren't and that makes up a fragmented picture. As an Evangelical, there were many passages in the Bible that the Evangelical movement could not explain. As I studied Catholicism however, I was shocked to realize that every doctrine of Catholicism could be found (at least implicitly, at most explicitly) in the Bible. Every missing puzzle piece, every verse that the Evangelical movement could not explain, fell into place. The Catholic Church fit the Bible not just on some levels, but on all the levels. I was also shocked to learn that none of the Early Church Fathers believed anything even remotely similar to Evangelicalism. The Early Church, to my surprise, was firmly Catholic in their beliefs and ways of worship. The more I studied history, the more I realized how faithful the Catholic Church was to the Early Church, and how none of the doctrines of Catholicism have changed over the centuries. I read many books on the Biblical basis of the Catholic Church and I read Dave Armstrong's A Biblical Defense of Catholicism (which I highly recommend) and I was totally convinced.

The One, Holy, Catholic, and Apostolic Church was indeed "Bible
Christianity" par excellence!

The decisive moment came when I went to my first Mass. As I set foot into St. Mary's Church. I was awe-struck at the beauty of it. The stained glass, the statues, the tabernacle all let me see a glimse of God's beauty. Also, St. Justin Martyr details in his First Apology the general way the first-century Christians worshipped. To my immense surprise later on, I realized that the Catholic Mass followed Justin's account almost verbatim. When the bell was rung that signified that Christ's Body and Blood had become present in the Church. I spiritually fell to my knees in adoration, I knew that the power of the Holy Spirit was in that place, I could feel it. I repeated, "Lord I am not worthy" over and over again.

I soon joined the RCIA program, determined to Come Home to the Catholic Church. I was 16-17 during this period and a senior in High School. I attended only some of the RCIA classes, as I felt that I already had a good grasp of Catholic doctrine. I went to either Mass or Eucharistic Adoration after the classes, and I began to fall in love with Catholic worship, particularly devotion to the Eucharist. When I went to my first Confession, I screwed up (I assume I did, but on reflection I may not have) because I was too ashamed to show the Physician my wounds, and thus I was not healed. However near the end of the program, I went to a get together at the Church for a "pre-Confirmation" speaker. During this meeting, I went to confession and I laid out all the depraved, carnal, and truly degenerate sins of my past. After I was done, I remember how the priest (Fr. Charles Kawesi) laid his gentle hand on my head and absolved me of all my filth. After that moment I KNEW that I was clean before God. Every fiber of my body cried out in gladness. It was weird. The assurance that I was pure in God's eyes that I had so sought after as a Baptist only came to me when I confessed my sins to a Catholic priest. Unfortunately after my Confession, I found myself in a catch 22 situation. I won't go into details, but in short I commited a sin prior to Confirmation, and one that I was unwilling to repent of prior to my Confirmation. So, knowing that I was not able to receive Confirmation, I chose not to receive the Holy Spirit. This was, in hindsight, as major mistake.

 

[Reader Antonius]

TO BE CONTINUED .....

In May of that same year I publicly renounced my faith in Christianity and professed faith in the religion of Neo-Paganism. It is hard for me to really explain why I did this but it came down to the fact that I had, due to a lack of trust in God, rejected to receive the Mystery of Chrismation and the Eucharist. I guess I was lost. The Evil One knew this no doubt, and I "conveniently" came across my old books on Paganism. Reading them offered me a way to escape my own failures I guess. As I started reading the books and considering going back to the Pagan lifestyle, I was worried that what I was doing was sinful. In my adolescent stupidity I decided to do what I wanted and the fearful feeling faded away.

Over the summer I really got into it. One of my goals was to break-away from the "Wiccans", who disgusted me because of their eclecticism, and become a "historical pagan." I had always been attracted to Celtic history so I jumped onto Celtic Reconstructionism. I chose the Irish pantheon as my patrons and I began worshipping them. I built altars to them, conducted rites in their honor, made sacrifices to them, sung hymns to them, chanted tunes, and worshipped nature and animals. I prayed to them for my needs and all the normal things I had before offered to the Living God. I spent my free time filling my mind with myths, pagan history and theology, and magic. I practiced divination (Ogham cards) and sought to hear the gods in omens in nature. I really did believe they existed. I really did believe it. It was very peaceful. I had no fear of "wrath" or sin. There was no need to deny myself of my wants. I didn't need to grovel in the dust before the old "gods." I didn't need to be humble or be constrained with the "chains" of Christianity.

Looking back, I can see how even then God was working. While I did believe in the gods, I never really let go of a belief in God (hard to explain I know). Nor did I attack Christians or debate them. In His Mercy, the Lord, was even there.

Things started to snowball though. In breaking the first commandment, the entire moral law broke down. I started cussing and speaking wrongly, priding myself in how mature it sounded. I gave myself up to lust. Sexual sin with myself became a staple of my existence and I even called on the gods to make the experiences I went through more enjoyable and pleasurable. I threw myself into pornography filling my mind with dark images of depravity. Lusting after women wasn't enough either. At the beneficence of the gods whom I emulated, I embraced lust for other men. I started proudly labeling myself a "bisexual" and I spoke out against virtue as defined by God. I essentially became an addict to sexual sins, especially masturbation and pornography, enslaved and delivered into the hands of the Deceiver.

Yet, as pleasant as it was, the good stuff didn't last. I noticed to my shock that I could discern no link with the gods. Other pagans with whom I associated with often spoke of communing with their gods but couldn't find that sense. As ardently as I sacrificed to them, as ardently as I prayed to them there was no answer. Divinization provided little comfort as the oracles seemed to be nonsense and ineffective. So at the advice of another Pagan, I started looking at other pantheons beside the Irish. During that time I delved into Roman Paganism, Shinto, and Buddhism. I was desperately searching for spiritual food. Yet nothing could satisfy the inexplicable hunger. Not a single god or goddess reached out to me and I began to despair. The sexual sin too started to fade in appeal. The whole object of the sins was to achieve a "high." Yet that high came only for a few seconds (if that) and I began to realize that it was an empty pleasure. It faded away like dust. The best way I can explain it is by metaphor. It was as if I had taken a spoonful of honey into my mouth, yet before I could taste the sweetness, the honey dissolved into dry dust.

As time went on I was confronted with my reason. While my faith in the gods didn't waver, I was challenged with the implications of nature worship and polytheism's history. I worshipped the gods and goddesses of a group of people living on an island off the shore of Britain. While Celtic paganism did indeed have characteristics with all Pagan faiths, it also had important distinctives. In order to explain these distinctives I theorized several conclusions. The first consisted of a "hyper pantheon." This notion states that all the gods of all cultures exist and are equal to one another. This conclusion defies logic. The god of the sun for me was Lugh, NOT Apollo or Aten. The god of war for me was Tuetatis, NOT Mars of Rome or Twyr of the Germans. So I thought of a "universal pantheon." It declares that all the gods specific to each culture are actually cultural understandings of an undefined and unknown super-pantheon. For example, while I prayed to Aine to give me strong sexual highs, a Roman pagan would pray to Venus and an Asatruar (German) pagan would pray to Freyya. The idea was that we would all be praying to same goddess but through a cultural lens. This too defies logic.

In historical polytheism the distinctives are too great to sustain a notion of a universal pantheon. For example, for me Daghda was the good father and he was associated with the sky. Danu was the great earth mother. In pagan theology there is great emphasis placed on the fertile union between sky and earth. Thus I would celebrate the copulation of Daghda and Danu for the fertility of my grandfather's crops and I would pray that they had a fertile union so we would have a good harvest. However in Kemetic Orthodox Paganism (Egyptian paganism), the sky deity is female and the earth deity is male. This is totally incompatible with Indo-European theological understandings. Thus the facts caused me to doubt the validity of Paganism as faith. There was also the burning question posed by history: If the gods whom I called the "Ancient and Mighty Ones" were so powerful, why were they not able to save their followers from converting to Christianity?

Just as this began to happen, the Lord manifested His power. One of the books on Celtic paganism that I purchased included a chapter on how the Irish were converted to Catholic Christianity by St. Patrick. I decided to read the chapter anyway though and I came across an interesting passage. It comes from St. Patrick's autobiographical Confessions. Basically St. Patrick argues that those who worship the sun (he was speaking of Celtic pagans, mind you) are worshipping something which will not last forever. He goes on to say that those who worship it are deceiving themselves and will be brought into judgment for idolatry. Yet instead of going on a rant about how all pagans will burn in Hell, St. Patrick tries a different approach. He stops focusing on pagans and moves to Christians. With a play on words he notes that those who worship the sun will come into judgment, but those who worship the Son (notice the subtle differentiation), the true light, will be saved. This hit me pretty hard. I knew that the sun would one-day burn out. If the god Lugh was eternal, why do suns die all the time in the universe?

Another death blow came while I was reading about Celtic Paganism on the internet. The man whose writings influenced me to Christianity was Carl McColeman. He was raised Protestant but as an adult he embraced Celtic Paganism and wrote several books defending it and criticizing the "evils" of Christianity. His books were my link to Pagan theology and they helped to ease my apostasy. As I was surfing the web I came across a somewhat recent e-article of his. In the article's title he announced his conversion to Catholic Christianity. Understandably intrigued, I quickly read his article. In it, he told of how he went through doubting periods much like myself. The rituals became chores and the prayers went unanswered, furthermore there were not any hard answers to his questions. So, he planned a trip to Ireland. He figured that if he made a "pilgrimage" to the holy-land of Celtic Pagans, this would refresh his faith. While on the journey he saw Jesus in the practitioners of Celtic-Catholic Christianity, and he embraced the Truth leaving behind his paganism.

For me to see one of my principal religious figures so influential to me embracing the faith he long wrote against was shocking. Adding to this news was the realization that the gods were being totally silent. I can vividly remember an incident when I was beseeching and begging the gods to answer me. The silence was unbearable. When I related this to other Pagans they suggested that the gods call whom they choose to call. Instead of giving a hard answer or a thing to do they just told me to wait it out. So I kept trying to commune with the gods, but there was still nothing. I think this helped in my gravitation away from Celtic paganism and into Shinto and Buddhism. I was enamored with the ideals of Japanese antiquity, so firmly based as they were in Confucian virtue and honor. So I naturally embraced the religion of the Japanese which consisted of Shinto and Mahayana Buddhism.

I read summaries of the ancient Shinto myths. Shintoism was interesting for me because it needed no reconstruction and it provided a more eclectic view of theology. The concept of thousands of kami, nature spirits, inhabiting the world was appealing. It provided some sense of escape from the rational problems with Celtic paganism. Also Buddhism too provided a stronger theological outlook. I read the writings of a Japanese Buddhist abbot of the early 20th century who helped to provide some understanding of the "gospel" of Buddhism. I eventually settled on a synthesis of Shinto and meditative Zen Buddhism. I could still worship nature and some sense of gods and goddesses, but I also had a set of morals to follow. I went even further and embraced Bushido which was the code of honor practiced by the samurai. I read Hagakure, a primer from the 17 th century on Bushido and Niyamoto Musashi's book of Five Rings.

 

[Reader Antonius]

TO BE CONTINUED......

So, in this state of relative stability I went to college. The first course I took was an English composition course. Near the end of the course I was told to complete an essay about some world issue. I decided that I wanted to work on the Israel-Palestinian conflict. I am a philosemite in many ways. I have a deep love for the Jewish people and for Jewish traditions. In High School I got involved in Messianic Judaism which I was sure was the Apostolic faith. So in writing this essay for my course I naturally defended the Jewish people, but in my readings and reflections I started to recall the God worshipped by the Jews. Writing the paper reintroduced me to YHWH.

While I have no recollection of what (who?) exactly prompted my next step, I contacted Deacon Bob by email. Deacon Bob is one of the deacons of my home parish. About a year earlier I had met him in my first RCIA class, as he was the teacher. His love for God, his knowledge of the Bible and of theology, and his Christ-like gentleness had impressed me. We became close but when the day came for my Confirmation, I didn't receive and I cut off all contact with Deacon Bob. Now however I emailed to him my testimony of why I decided to become Catholic. While I didn't relate to him my apostasy into Paganism nor my sins, I noted that my beliefs about God were "changing." I thought he was angry or disappointed in me and I didn't want to face him (hence the email). His response surprised me.

He related in his reply that, while he was surprised and disappointed, he had affirmed from the beginning that embracing Catholic Christianity was my choice. That said he commented on my comment that my faith in God was changing. He noted that it is natural for someone my age to begin to question my beliefs, but he also posed two strong questions for me. Question 1 concerned Jesus. Was He the one who He claimed to be? Deacon Bob proposed that the evidence, especially for the OT prophecies, was very clear that Jesus was indeed the one foretold. I was reminded of books like "The Case for Christ" and I was forced to conclude that Jesus Christ was who He said He was: God in flesh. The 2 nd question was related to the first. If Jesus was God then the things that He said must be followed. Jesus claimed to have founded a Church and had given the apostles the authority to speak in His name. The logical question follows: is there a Church that maintains the authority of the apostles as Jesus delegated (thus the authority to speak and govern the Kingdom in Christ's name) and that has remained faithful to Christ's teachings?

I knew the answer, and I had believed the truth all along. Interestingly, when my apostasy began a pagan told me that I need to make sure what I believe. Even as a Pagan, even as I believed in the existence of the gods, even as I indulged in sin; I was convinced of the Truth of Christianity. Looking back, I think I was trying to run away from what I knew was true. I wanted to embrace something forbidden, something romantically mystical. Strengthening this desire was Paganism's offer of "freedom" to do as I pleased. So I ran from God, ran from my responsibility as a born-again Christian and a son of the Father.

So intellectually I knew I needed to come home to the Church of the Apostles. But, I also needed to come to grips with God about what I had done.....and the Lord came to my assistance, he made haste to help me.

I was in my home that day, but I felt strange. There were times in my life when I could feel God, really feel His presence. But after I decided not to receive Confirmation last year, and my subsequent relapse back into paganism and Buddhism, I did not feel God in my life at all. It was crushing. As I was in my room that night I was calling out to God to touch me in some way. I felt so guilty that I ran away from Him, and I was beginning to doubt whether He was still accepting of me. But the more I cried out to Him, the worse I felt as I had no answer. I tried prayer and praise to Him, but to no avail. I felt utterly empty and alone.

Yet the night after this horrible experience, I found myself at the same place (my room). At that time I had no desire to feel God, but something strange happended. I said to myself, "I have always been told that God's Love is everlasting and that He will always take me back." However, I was still wondering whether this was true. I mean after all, I had commited many sins after my backslide, how could God even be near me in my state of mortal sin?

Yet strangely something hit me. I turned around and looked up at my crucifix and thought: I may not feel that God loves me, but I must BELIEVE that He does and that He wants to forgive me. Jesus dined with theives, prostitutes, and liars, and He was called "Friend of Sinners." Surely I was in the same state as they were! Then I began to realize that I could feel God again, deep in my soul. IT WAS INCREDIBLE! It was like I somehow knew deep in my heart that He truly did love me and that all I needed to do was simply rest in His arms. I was so joyful that I began to cry and I continously kept saying "Thank you Abba, thank you!" I cannot really explain how it felt but it was so comforting.

I quickly re-enrolled in the RCIA class, and began my journey home (again). After a year of catechesis and walking with Christ, the time came for my Initiation.

It took a long time but after about two years of catechesis, struggle, and working with God's Amazing Grace, I was fully initiated into the Body of Christ through the Mysteries of Confirmation and the Eucharist on April 22nd, 2008.

By the Grace of the undivided Trinity, I believe and confess that the Holy Spirit of God descended upon me allowing me to personally share in the outpouring of Pentecost. After my anointing with the sacred chrism, I was allowed to come to the Lord's Table where I received the Sacred Body and Blood of the Lord Jesus Christ. I had been waiting for that moment all my life!

In the few months prior my Initiation, I struggled with deep questions. My spiritual father, Deacon Bob Pierce, was instrumental in my eventual overcoming of these gnawing doubts and for that I am ever grateful. I did not receive the sacraments in the spring of 2007, because of my own scrupulousness and a lack of trust in God. As the months approached close to the date of Initiation this year I was fraught with doubts, scruples, and anxiety. There was nothing factually that would cause me to doubt as Deacon Bob and my parish priest, Fr. Kirby, noted to me many times, no, rather it was a feeling of uncertainty that my Confirmation may be invalid (although again, nothing factually suggested that it would be). I was also plagued with fears that I had committed a mortal sin, even though I was unaware of committing one prior to my Initiation. I have discerned, after a long discussion with Fr. Kirby that these anxieties and doubts were the work of the Evil One.

So, I turned to the Lord my God and made a heartfelt act of Faith in Him. In short, I told Him that despite my doubt I choose to believe in His Word regardless of my doubt and that I would live my life as if there was no doubt and that I would trust that God would one-day grant me confident Faith. I let go, with tears, of my inhibitions and feelings, and I clung to my Savior, to His promises and His love. I surrendered my will and fears to His Will, trusting that He would be Faithful. Still, the act of faith did not do away with my feelings of worry or doubt. However, I had placed my trust in God's Holy Word and had "set my face like flint" to do His Will.

On the morning and afternoon of the day prior to the celebration, my worst episode of satanic attack hit me. The fear boiled down to my scruples in which I feared that I had committed a mortal sin. If I had committed a mortal sin, I would be unable be Initiated. Fear swept over me like a cloud and I prayed for God's Grace and the intercession of the Blessed Virgin. I made an examination of conscience and determined that I had committed some sin, however as far as I could discern they were not grave sins and I was not sure that I had committed any grave sin. Still I desired to come to Jesus in the sacrament of Confession prior to my Confirmation to allay my fear, but after desperate attempts to locate a priest I was unable to find one who had time to hear my Confession.

At that point, which was about 20 minutes prior to the actual Initiation Liturgy, I was faced with a choice:

Would I give in to my fears and doubts, even though as far as I knew there was nothing substantial to those feelings?

OR

Would I place my trust in the Lord God, and cling to His promises to be Faithful to His Holy Covenant?

 

[Reader Antonius]

TO BE CONTINUED...........

By God's Grace, I chose to trust in God.

My Church has a parochial school next door, so I entered the school cafeteria to sit and wait for the procession into the Church. Due to the discernment of our parish pastor, I was to be confirmed with some of the middle-school kids. This kind of annoyed me since I was eighteen at the time. There was a girl there whom I had met before though, who showed me Christ. I should probably mention her somewhat to make this recollection more comprehensive, as I will never forget her face.

Her name was Emma Platte, and she is a devout cradle Catholic of 12 years. I had met her at the Confirmation Retreat, and my first impression of her was that she was truly blessed. I remember thinking and later telling her that she will one-day become a great saint. Despite her age, she exuded a love for the Lord Jesus and His Bride. At the rehearsal, a day before the Initiation, she had asked me why I had not gone to Communion with the other kids. When I responded that this Confirmation Mass would be my First Communion her eyes lit up and she told me she was so happy for me. Her love for the Lord shined and I saw Christ in her. Seeing her eyes filled with joy brought some much needed comfort to my soul.

…...But back to the story……

When the time came for the procession into the gym (St. Angela Hall), we all lined up in the waiting room and made our way to the gym. After processing in under the crossed swords of a group of Columbian knights, we sat down and waited for the service to begin. Emma was sitting a few seats away from me and, thanks be to God, the 8th grade kids finally were being quiet. The Mass began with the usual rites including of course Bible reading which focused on God the Holy Spirit within the Scriptures. After the readings, the dean of our diocesan deanery gave a stirring homily. Since we didn't have a bishop at the time for my Confirmation, the dean came in the authority of the Diocese. Anyway, his preaching rivaled that of any down-home Southern Baptist preacher! In his homily he urged us (the candidates) to remember that we are salt to the world. He urged us to go out and proclaim the Good News of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. His homily moved me and I will no doubt never forget those words, which, I believe, were the Words of the Holy Spirit.

Then came the time to renew my baptismal promises. Due to the fact that I was baptized as an infant, the profession of Faith necessary for salvation was made for me by my parents and godparents in union with the whole Church. Now that I was of age, I was called to profess my faith myself which I did with all the conscious will I could muster. In that moment, I renewed before God and His Church, the ancient creed of Christianity. After we professed our Faith, the dean and our parish pastor (who was also administering the Sacrament) raised their hands over the crowd of candidates and called down the Blessed Spirit in prayer. This moment was the "laying on of hands" spoken of in the Bible. After the holy prayer of epiclesis, we filed up to either to the dean, or in my case, our pastor to receive the anointing and the sacrament of Confirmation.

I was in the second row praying earnestly for God's Spirit to come upon me, to complete what began almost 19 years ago. When it was my turn, I walked up to the pastor with my hands clasped along with my sponsor. With closed eyes, I felt my priest trace the Holy Cross on my head with the chrism and thus I was Chrismated on my forehead. After the words of Chrismation were said, I gave a hearty "AMEN!" which my priest smiled at. After exchanging with him the sign of peace (which I messed up saying in my excitement), I went back to my seat. I soon realized, even as I was going to sit down, that some, actually quite a bit, of the Holy Chrism had gotten on to my hands. I was delighted! I could smell the sweet balsam mixed into the holy oil and I thought: "I am a sweet fragrance for Christ!" As I was sitting in my seat waiting for the others to be Confirmed, I engaged in prayer. I lifted up my heart to give God thanks for the gift of His Spirit, and even though I could not see the Holy Spirit, I knew that with the imposition of the Chrism I had been forever sealed. I was now and for all eternity a true bondservant of the undivided Triune God. Placing my hands to cup my face, I breathed in the sweet and beautiful scent of my new life in Christ.

After the Chrismations had been completed, it was time for prayer. We beseeched the Lord to hear our prayers as we made intercessions for the world. When we were done, we all sat to wait as the sacred altar was prepared for the Sacrifice of the Eucharist. As the altar was prepared, I again prayed for God's Grace. I realized that the moment I had so long awaited for was soon about to take place. Soon I would partake of Jesus Christ Himself in the Holy Eucharist. When the gifts had been brought and the altar prepared, we stood for the Liturgy of the Eucharist. I bowed my head in adoration at the anaphora when by the power of the Holy Spirit and the Word of Christ the bread and wine changed substance (i.e. metaousiosis/transubstantiation) into the Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Through the Thrice Holy Hymn and the anamnesis I professed my Faith in Christ's life and work, and I worshipped my living God. I then gave my assent of Faith with the Great Amen along with all the Church. Then the entire Church, as one, prayed the Lord's Prayer in the words Christ taught us. After which we made the sign of peace. As I gave the handshake to my newly Confirmed brothers and sisters in Christ, I came to Emma. I gave her God's peace and with a deep love in my heart called her my sister.

Then came the Lamb of God when the Eucharistic host was broken, in liturgical memory of Christ being broken to save us. I meant every prayer with my heart especially when I said, "Lord I am not worthy to receive you…but only say the word and I shall be healed."

Very soon after this came the moment of Communion when the priests, deacons, and extraordinary ministers came down and went to their stations. As the Communion hymn started to play and the kids started to file up, my hands began to tremble. I prayed to the Lord professing to Him my faith in His spotless, immortal, and life-giving Mystery of the Eucharist. I told Him that I really believed that this was His Body and Blood, and furthermore I asked Him to commune with me in the Eucharist. Soon, it was my turn to approach our pastor who held the cup containing the Sacred Flesh of Christ. My hands trembled as I went up and upon the words, "The Body of Christ" I gave my heartfelt Amen. I was saying with my heart, "Yes Lord, I believe this is really your Body!" After professing my faith with my "amen", I received the spotless and glorious Body of Christ on my tongue and gnawed on and then swallowed His Flesh. With hands still trembling, I then approached the extraordinary minister who held the chalice containing the Blood of Christ. This Sacred Blood, poured out to cleanse me of all my sins, was offered to me with the words of Truth: "The Blood of Christ." With another true Amen, I drank of the Blood of the Risen King. After I had received Communion I went back to sit down, with hands still trembling.

At that moment I knew that I, like Mary, carried Christ within me spiritually and physically. I thought to myself and prayed that now my Savior had become the Flesh of my flesh, and the Bone of my bone. Alleluia! All glory, praise, and honor be to the Lamb of God!!!

As I sat there contemplating how long I had waited for that moment and what it meant, I felt tears begin in my eyes. At first, I wanted to cry but I think I was hesitant to do so. I had never cried before in Church and I was surrounded with kids I didn't know. But a post-Communion hymn soon began to play called "All in All."


Anyway, the woman who sung it praised the Lord beautifully. The lyrics of the song made me think about what Jesus meant to me and all the blessings and favors and love that He had done and showed to me in my life prior to that day. I couldn't help it and quite frankly I didn't want to stop it. I took my glasses off and I cried. It wasn't like loud wailing, but rather, a gentle sort of cry. Tears welled in my eyes and my chest trembled as I cried inside. It was like a quiet sobbing and I knew that others could see me but I didn't care anymore. As the song continued to play I worshipped God without even praying. It was love for Christ, gratitude for what He had done for me, but also the love that I felt knowing that He did it for me out of His Love. That was the message of the song and it touched me. All the stupid and immoral things I had done: Paganism, sexual sin, whatever, none of it had cancelled God's love for me. And God proved it to me by allowing me to consume Him and be with Him intimately as if it was Heaven on Earth. Now that I look back, I like to imagine it that moment as if I was laying my head on Jesus' chest sobbing in His arms.

So I sobbed for as long as Communion lasted. I finally forced myself to stop, but I think I may have started again spontaneously. Anyway, I eventually stopped noting that I wasn't the only one crying even though I wasn't sure who was. We as a Church thanked the dean for coming in place of the bishop, and for his awesome Spirit-filled preaching. Then there was a benediction and we processed out and around the Hall to a place where we were to take a group picture. I remember seeing Emma. She stood next to me and told me, with her gentle, loving voice, something to the effect of "Why did you have to go and cry? You got me started." Not knowing what to say in response and feeling very clumsy (as so often happens when I am around girls) I blurted out a "sorry" which she met swiftly with "I am so happy for you." After being temporarily blinded with flashing camera lights, we were allowed to go to our families for a dinner/reception. Before I went to my parents I stopped to speak with Emma. Her face yet again shined with Christ (not to mention gleaming Chrism), and we talked for a few seconds. She told me that she was so happy for me and that she had, "nothing of value except this," and with that traced the sign of the Cross on my chrism-covered forehead giving me her blessing. I was moved to the heart and I returned the gesture blessing her likewise as my sister in the Lord Jesus. Never before have I seen such depth of Faith in someone so young.

The rest of the story is little more than some fellowship, hugs, and smiles. There was great love in my church that night. The love was palpable. As so often happens to me, a man who I didn't know came up to me and basically asked me if I was going to become a priest. With the many instances of this I am beginning to wonder whether God is trying to get my attention.

As I typed this originally, I could smell the sweet Chrism's scent on my head. With a mere nod of the head I was reminded of my new life in Christ. I can no longer smell the Sacred Myron, but I can remember the sweet smell of it and I will never forget what that scent means to me!

After trying to find happiness Paganism and finding silence; after indulging in sexual sin and finding emptiness; after running from God only to learn that I cannot live without Him; I am finally Home where I belong: In the arms of Jesus Christ, He who knew me in my mother's womb and knit my flesh together, He who love me and redeemed me on a cross of wood, and He whom I love and desire to love even more.

The peace of the Triune God be with us all,

-Anthony John

 

[Virgil the Roman]

Anthony John, your journey into Christ's Holy Catholic Church; made my eyes well up with tears! Is very similar to and in many respects to my own reversion back unto the Holy Catholic Faith. Although, I embraced Protestantism, rather Paganism; I still the same denied the efficacy of the Holy Sacraments and of the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass. But By Our Lord God in Heaven's grace, he lead me back to his Church; I should probably find my reversion story in here. It's in this thread somewheres!

 

[Virgil the Roman]

Ah, here it is.

Here's a short summary: I'm a cradle Catholic. Throughout most of my life, I had no idea on what a being a Catholic or a Christian meant. Approxiamately three years as a result of a Pagan using the Bible against me and my Catholic Faith, I was compelled to explore my Christian Faith. I had explored through the realms of Protestantism, and eventually decided that I'd find the best Protestant Church for me. Which was the Episcopal Church. I was thinking, it's like the Catholic Church only without the Pope, the Magesterium, or any of the Sacred Tradition that wasn't in the Bible. Eventually through Edification and discernment, I gradually realized that I was drawn back to the Roman Catholic Church. So, I read up on the Anglican Church and decided that that is not where God wanted me to be. So Later I drifted towards Eastern Orthodoxy and even attended just one of their services. I was turned off my service and was left going back to The Roman Catholic Church. I had realized that God had guided me back to his Church to help me discern and realize that I need not look at other Churches, when my Salvation, hope, and the Fullness of the Truth within Christ's Church lay solely in the Lord's Holy Catholic Church. For me it has been a renewal and reaffirmation of the teachings of my youth. I love the Church and especially the Sacraments. I still know very little in the ways of Christ's One True Holy Catholic Church and am but a novice. I do fall and err and sin alot as any human being would, but now with Christ's helping Hand and his love coupled with his Holy Church, I have found a place to rest my soul and live out my life for the Christ Jesus, my Lord and my God.
sincerly,
Matthew

Although, it is indeed a summarized and truncated version of my reversion testimony, It suffices, and adequately conveys the earnest and beloved joy that I felt when our HOLY Lord God led me back to his Holy Catholic Church!

 

[Reader Antonius]

Ah, here it is.

Amen and Alleluia!

 

[InstaurareOmnia]

I was raised in the Episcopal Church. When I was almost 19, I converted to Catholicism. Since September, 1997 I have been attending the Traditional Latin Mass, and am now the head server. Besides serving every Sunday and holyday, I make up the schedule and train the altar boys.

 

[MoNiCa4316]

aw it always makes me happy to read all these testimonies, as I'm converting to the Church too. praise God for every one.

Anthony, your story is so beautiful and a testimony that God never gives up on us!! thank you for sharing it, and I'm happy for you that you're in the Church now parts of it really touched me.

God bless

 

[MrStain]

Ah, here it is.

Although, it is indeed a summarized and truncated version of my reversion testimony, It suffices, and adequately conveys the earnest and beloved joy that I felt when our HOLY Lord God led me back to his Holy Catholic Church!

Thanks for sharing this, Raven! God is good!

 

[MrStain]

Outstanding testimony, Anthony John!! Thanks a ton for sharing.

I agree with you that Dave Armstrong’s A Biblical Defense of Catholicism is great material for the discerning Catholic. Lastly, hearing Justin Martyr’s description of the Mass in RCIA was definitely a wow moment for me as well.

Peace.

 

[flapperjacker2]

why is the cracker so important?

 

[InTheCloud]

Becasue according to Ignatius of Antioch, a man that knows the Gospel of St John better that any fundamentalist, anyone that is deniying the Real Presence will have spiritual death.
Shall I keep feeding who Troll?

 

[MoNiCa4316]

why is the cracker so important?

it's not a cracker.. it's the Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity of Christ.. He said in John 6 "this is My Body".

 

[William Putnam]

...here is my story:

http://bellsouthpwp2.net/p/u/putnam_w/My%20Story.htm

God bless,

PAX

Bill+†+


I believe in God,the Father Almighty,Creator of heaven and earth;and in Jesus Christ, His only Son,Our Lord;who was conceived by the holy Spirit,born of the Virgin Mary, suffered under Pontius Pilate,was crucified, died,and was buried.He descended into hell;the third day He arose again from the dead;He ascended into heaven, sitteth at the right hand of God, the Father almighty;from thence He shall come to judgethe living and the dead.I believe in the holy Spirit,the Holy Catholic Church,the communion of saints,the forgiveness of sins,the resurrection of the body,and life everlasting.Amen.- The Apostles Creed -

 

[MoNiCa4316]

This thread is on-going

thanks for sharing your testimony! I'm looking forward to reading it

btw, what is that music on your page? It's so beautiful!

God bless

 

[Reader Antonius]

The peace of the Triune God be with us all,

-Anthony John

Due to a recent conversation with James Likoudis, I now know that my struggles with Eastern Orthodoxy are an important part of my journey home to the Catholic Church so I wanted to post a basic testimony on why I chose the fullness of the Christian Tradition found in the Catholic Church over the Eastern Orthodoxy.

Shortly after I had returned to the RCIA program for the second time after
my apostasy into Paganism, I was faced with the question of whether the Eastern Orthodox Church or the Catholic Church was the One True Church's of Christ. This sent me on a long period of research into Church history.


I think most of my problems came from the assertions of some anti-Catholic Eastern Orthodox whom I was speaking to over the internet. They affirmed that Rome had marred the original Faith with their emphasis on simplicity, scholasticism, pragmatism, logic, and philosophy. They affirm that the True Faith is found almost totally in experience as opposed to Rome's "intellectual faith."

Part of coming to my conclusion came w/ the realization that the Eastern Orthodox position is flawed. First of all, the Eastern Orthodox (or EO's) fail to realize that the Roman Church has BOTH scholastic and experiential expressions of the Faith. The mystics, Eucharistic adoration, the Rosary, the Stations of the Cross are just a few hallmarks of Roman experiential faith. For the EO's to say that Rome's emphasis on scholasticism takes away from Her emphasis on experience is based on ignorance of Catholicism. In reality, the Catholic Church has maintained a balance of scholasticism and experience in the Faith. The EO's on the other hand have (since they split with Rome) lost virtually all traces of doctrinal development. They remain stagnant, trapped in some ways in the year 1054, when they fell into schism. The hunger for understanding the profundity of the Faith has somewhat gone down the drain.

I eventually came to my conclusion by a close study of the Eastern Catholic Churches. These Christians had something the EO's did not have: a living Teaching Authority to spread and clarify the Faith. When the EO Church went into schism, they lost almost all sense of doctrinal catechesis (at least uniformly). This led to the EO's overemphasis on Liturgy and ritual, at the expense of doctrine. Thus the EO's became fragmented and confused because there was no shepherd to help keep unity of Faith amongst the sheep, which have now become autocephalous Churches.

On the other hand, the Eastern Orthodox who reconciled with the Catholic Church (thus becoming Eastern Catholics) had the original balance restored. That is, the Eastern Catholics kept all of the beauty of their Orthodox counterparts, but they also received doctrinal Truth, which is the other side of the Christian equation.

Coming to this conclusion inevitably led me to ask myself "what are the differences?"

First of all, I concluded that both Eastern and Western Catholics have the SAME FAITH. Each Rite of the Church holds the fullness of God's Divine Revelation.

However, the key to this is the recognition that the One Faith can be expressed in varied ways. For the Roman Church, the Apostolic Faith is expressed w/ philosophy, reason, and noble simplicity. The Eastern Catholic Churches on the other hand, express the Faith through mystery, child-like (i.e. unquestioning) faith, and elaborate ritualistic symbolism.

Let us imagine, for the sake of argument, that I am eating a bowl of jello. The jello (in and of itself) is the substance I want to consume. However in order to consume the jello, I must use a spoon. Now, the important thing to remember is that the spoon is NOT the substance that I am trying to consume. RATHER the spoon is merely a tool that helps me to consume the jello.

This is similar to the different expressions of the Faith. Both Eastern and Western Catholics have the same "jello" (i.e. Deposit of Faith). HOWEVER, they don't have the same "spoon." Thus the West "drinks" from the fountain of Christ's Truth with reason, philosophy, and noble Roman simplicity. The East "drinks" from the fountain of Christ with unquestioningly child-like Faith and elaborate rituals. BOTH Churches are NOT receiving a different Faith, although to me it seemed as though they were at first.

No Both Churches are drinking from the same life-giving fountain.

They just drink in different ways.

I felt, at that moment, ready to fully embrace my Catholic Christianity. For three years (probably more than that!) I had been a seeker and an acolyte in many Faiths, but for the first time since my tentative entries into Catholicism, I now felt ready to accept the validity of the Catholic Church. My doubts had mostly gone and my faith was tempered…although there were still some issues that my priest and I were able to work out in private conversations.

However I had gotten an Orthodox Study Bible and in reading the Orthodox Study Bible I entertained the possibility of becoming Orthodox. I found myself actually wanting to be Orthodox, but realizing in my heart that I had found the Church. And the Eastern Orthodox Church is not it. For a while I labored under doubts placed in me by looking into to Orthodoxy, but after reading and prayer I knew fairly certain that the Catholic Church is the visible Body of Christ on Earth. History, the Bible, and my own reason had shown me that, while Eastern Orthodoxy has much to offer, it does not possess the FULNESS of Christianity. During my period of doubt I prayed to St. Peter (at the advice of an EO) asking him to pray to God for me that God would reveal to me where His True Church lies: in Orthodoxy or Catholicism.

God responded more than once that His Church subsists FULLY only in the Catholic Church.

After coming to that conclusion I found myself at a place in my journey that I had never been before: Certainty. I felt at that moment that I could say honestly that I was certain of the Truth of Catholic claims. That made me very happy, I felt as though I could rest in my newfound Faith.

I intended to try to re-read the Catechism before my Confirmation and after my Initiation, I planned on attending the Byzantine Church near my home, along with St. Mary's (my home parish). I felt, and still do feel, that God has placed in me a love for Eastern Christianity for a reason, and I desired to explore Eastern Christianity more.

I resolved also to call Fr. Miguel, the pastor at St. Ignatios Melkite Greek Catholic Church, and I was going to ask him if I could meet him Sunday and speak with him about my desire to explore Eastern Catholicism at his parish. Of course I didn't want to miss RCIA class but I felt that I really needed to talk with Fr. Miguel about this. (I also hoped to discuss with him my past problems with Orthodoxy, and also why he left Orthodoxy to become a Byzantine Catholic.)

Later I had a wonderful 30 minute conversation with Fr. Miguel from the Melkite Greek Catholic Church. I left a message on his machine asking him if I could meet him that Sunday after Divine Liturgy. He returned my call within a half-hour and he told me that he might not be there as he is heading out of town. However he and I decided that, since he was not busy, we could just discuss my questions over the phone.

I was sooooooooo glad (to this very day) that he and I were able to discuss what we did.

My first question was why he, as a former Eastern Orthodox priest, reconciled with the Catholic Church. To my happy surprise he explained his entire story. He came from a devout Cuban-Baptist family. His Protestant faith was very important to him and he went to an Evangelical college. While in that college he discovered Apostolic Christianity and he became an Episcopalian. He was active in the Episcopalian Church as a "priest" for 8 years. However what struck him was that Protestantism was highly prone to division, and there was no real authority to maintain unity.

He was also in a search for Early Christianity. After study he discovered Eastern Orthodoxy. He was chrismated an Orthodox, became a deacon and then an Orthodox priest and served as a military chaplain. However he saw in Orthodoxy the same troubling division he saw in Protestantism. In studying the Bible and the Early Church, he realized that the disunity among the Orthodox was NOT what Jesus had intended for His Church. He realized that there needed to be a touchstone (he quoted Truman's "the buck stops here" phrase) to ensure the effectiveness of the Councils of the Church. He even took the time to read from Acts 15, showing how that chapter clearly shows St. Peter's authority in the Early Church.

Realizing this, he professed his faith in the Catholic Church and the authority of the Pope. He was received into the Church as a Melkite Greek Catholic priest, where he continues to serve the Patriarch of Antioch.

We then discussed how I was to go about exploring Eastern Catholicism. He told me that, if I was willing, I could be Chrismated (i.e. Confirmed) in the Melkite Greek Catholic Church, but I told him that I would feel more comfortable receiving Confirmation in the Roman Catholic Church, and he said that was perfectly fine since a Roman Catholic Confirmation is 100% valid for Melkites and is the same sacrament ontologically as a Byzantine Chrismation.

I told him that I had a great love for Eastern Christianity and an ardent desire to discover it. He told me that I was more than welcome to worship at the Melkite Greek community (and I have done so more than twice). He told me that even if I, in the end, decided to remain a Roman Catholic; my exploration of Eastern Catholicism would make me a better Roman Catholic as it would ensure that I did not see the Church as "Roman" or monolithic in that sense.

I was so glad that I was able to speak with him, and I could not wait to receive the Holy Body and Blood of Christ in the Greek Catholic Church, just as I could not wait to receive my first Communion in the Roman Church.

TO BE CONTINUED......................

 

[Reader Antonius]

TO BE CONTINUED......................

In the ensuing months after my Full Initiation I grew quite close to the Lord through the sacraments. But soon my old questions about Eastern Orthodoxy came up again and I began to wonder whether I had made a mistake. And so I reentered into research, just to be sure and I came out of that time of doubt further solidified that the Catholic Church was the True Church.

I engaged in what I believe to have been a most enlightening dialogue with two groups that called to me: the Eastern Orthodox and to a lesser extent the Oriental Orthodox.

For the first time I believed that I was finally getting a grip on my lust for Eastern Orthodoxy. I was finally having my prayers answered (if only a little) concerning the questions that had haunted me.

The discussion revealed something that made my understanding incredibly lucid. Everything in the Catholic-Eastern Orthodox-Oriental Orthodox dialogue boils down to one simple thing: the Pope of Rome.

For quite a while I struggled with the question of whether the Catholic Church was truly Catholic or just an example of Roman teaching. However in discussion with EOs and OOs there was no longer any doubt in my mind that our doctrines, when all the externals are stripped away, are the same (with the exception of course of Papal dogma). I then saw and believed that Roman theology can indeed be harmonized with Byzantine, Coptic, and Syriac theological systems...without taking away from the Eastern perspectives or Latinizing them.

It became clear for me that the issue is the Pope and in the end, him alone.

Something else became very clear as well. There did not appear to be any way to, epistemologically, define what exactly the Eastern Orthodox believe. They argued over MANY theological issues and both clergy and laity alike have differing opinions. They point to the first seven councils as their standard, but these councils do not address the post-schism issues of the Orthodox. This is the same with the non-Chalcedonian OOs as well. That realization, along with the centrality of the Pope of Rome in the conflict, led me to a stronger faith in the Catholic Church.

It also became clear to me that the unity in the Orthodox Church is a paper fiction, and I based this on the Patristic definition of what ecclesial unity is. There is no real theological unity outside basic Christian doctrine, there is no true unity between the autocephalous churches (evidenced by the constant bickering on questions of jurisdiction, the variation of the way converts are received, the impossibility of calling an Ecumenical Council). Their influence in defending important moral issues is weak and in some places near non-existent, and the rampant phyletism among the national churches is certainly not the ideal of a universal Church. In looking at the state of the Orthodox Church, I saw that they are fundamentally flawed, and it seems that they have been so since Photius' false claim of theological error.

The obvious question then arose: if their doctrine can be harmonized with what has been handed down in the Tradition of Rome and if they have true sacraments and true clergy.....what do they lack that causes the flawed condition of the Church? The answer is obvious: communion with the Pope of Rome.

And then things began to fall into place.

There was also a growing corpus of the evidence of the Fathers that I had taken a second look at because of the dialogues. It became inconceivable to deny that the Early Fathers believed (from St. Clement to St. John the Damascene) the See of Rome to be several things:

1. Rome is the Final Court of Appeals

2. Rome has the authority to act outside its own Patriarchate

3. Presides over the Churches of God

4. Able to change another Church's disciplines

5. All Churches must agree with Rome (to be Orthodox that is)

6. Communion with Rome means being in the Church of Christ

7. The Power of the Keys only extends to the Apostles through St. Peter

8. To agree with Rome is the mark of Orthodoxy

9. Out of Rome flows the bonds of communion to all the Churches

10. St. Peter was the leader and chief of the Apostles

I freely admit that these revelations came largely through quotations from their larger works. I had no time as a college student to read the whole of them. However, even still the evidence was too numerous to be merely "out-of-context" or twisted. In past experience when Protestants tried to prove Sola Scriptura with the Fathers they only had a trifle of quotations and they stretched these enormously. However the statements I had seen were so clear and precise, and so copious, that I found it to be incredulous that they could be taken out of context or twisted to fit the Papal agenda (as some Orthodox have claimed).

Also, seeing how the Papacy functioned in a Church that had other than one Patriarchate was most revealing to what the Papacy has always been confessed to be "Servant of the Servants of God." It is very different in the Middles Ages as the Catholic Church consisted of really only one Patriarchate, the others being outside of Papal communion. Therefore the authority exercised by the Popes of those days was, more often than not, the mere authority of a Patriarch. Thus the Pope did indeed seem at times to be "monarchial," but this is because that was HIS Patriarchate. Also, the consistent official and recorded teaching of the Catholic Church never added new theories (that were indeed floating around at the time) that the Pope was to have direct and constant control over other self-governing Churches. I found his role to have always been, officially, a surprisingly humble one.

All of this Patristic refreshment allowed me to better see what Our Lord intended the Papacy to be when He chose St. Peter in the famous Petrine passage in Matthew. He did not want a Church squabbling over things as important as divorce. He did not set up a Church that consisted of an invisible federation of independent churches who had no authority to step in times of crisis. He did not set up a Church that would have Ecumenical Councils until the 8th century and then just stop. He did not intend to create a Church that had no real and meaningful way of communicating the Orthodox Faith to His Redeemed People.

He intended to have a visible Church, with bonds of visible communion that could be easily ascertained. He wanted a Church to have a clear set of teachings rooted in God's Word available for ALL to see. He created a Church whose unity was based not just on faith and the Holy Spirit, but on sacramental bonds as well (which are by nature: visible). He wanted to have a Church that had the authority to deal with crises effectively and decisively. He started a Church that would be governed by legitimate Councils of the Holy bishops, St. Peter included of course, who would continually renew and refresh His Church for centuries to come. He did not give to His Church a set of ossified traditions, but rather a living, organic Divine Message and Apostolic Teaching authority that could develop and become more deeply appreciated through the centuries.

THAT is the reason why He chose to give one Apostle an authority that did not extend to the others. Not to make St. Peter "better" or to give him a monarchial, oppressive position above His fellow disciples, BUT rather to ensure, as He said: "That the gates of Hell do not prevail against His Church."

THAT is what I saw so clearly in the history of the Early Church and the Fathers. I could not escape it, and at that moment I was beginning to not want to escape it.

I was beginning to see how much of a gift the Papacy is to God's People. God loves His Bride so much, that He doesn't want her to have to worry about what Orthodoxy is, or who is in communion with whom and why, or be unable to agree on new issues that arise with the world that Satan controls. He loved us so much that He gave us a visible source of unity and Orthodoxy that could be accessible to the whole world....and as the Fathers suggest; He sent the Helper to ensure that no matter what may happen to the individual sources of Orthodoxy and unity.....they would never teach heresy against faith or morals, as that would destroy the Church.

Throughout the Church's history, She has faced Her adversary in many battlefields. Heresies, war, invasion, and sin among the ranks have constantly assailed the Church. Time and again ALL the other Sees and bishphorics would fall in one way or another......but one, and always this same one, stood as a light. Great saints of East and West knew that...and when Satan attacked again and again they looked to Her to provide the authoritative voice of the Paraclete to keep intact the deposit of Faith. I realized that I was able to be a true Christian because God preserved a backwater, Roman and later Frankish and Italo-German Church (hardly having the prestige of Antioch or Alexandria), from all stain of heresy. He used Her to provide true food to His People.

If this incredible consistency remained so pure and unbelievably strong for ten centuries…..I reasoned….am I to believe that all of a sudden the Sees of the East (long infested with heretics) were from that point on Orthodox and the long pure See of Rome to become heretical? It defied reason, but most of all it defied God's Word in the Scriptures and the Tradition as it is contained and expressed by the Holy Fathers.

Also, the evidence of the fruits of the Churches within Roman communion was startling. Sure there was sin, there always will be, but the fact that remains that if the Roman Church (and those in communion with her) are schismatic and/or heretical...why is that same Church to most powerful Christian voice today, by far, proclaiming the Apostolic doctrines of the indissolvability of marriage, anti-contraception, the Trinity, the God-Man, the inerrancy of Scripture, the need for social justice, and so on? Why is this Church the largest and most universal Church on the face of the earth, leading all Christian groups and even other religions in carrying out the Lord's call to the corporal and spiritual works of mercy? Why has this Church had the official position of, ever since the schisms of Chalcedon and Photius, a clearly outstretched hand and call for reunion and true theological and sacramental intercommunion?

The Fathers essentially became a solid wall barring me from schism.

The Orthodox (both Eastern and Oriental) concept of the Church and of other things was a very appealing one. No central authority, just guided invisibly by the Spirit. It is strikingly similar to Protestantism in some ways.

However, despite the majestically aesthetic and ethereal appeal of Eastern Orthodoxy, these notions don't appear to really be in the Fathers. The more I looked I saw very "Roman" concepts of the Fathers...so much so that it was striking. And the more I saw it...the more I realized how blessed I was:

I was doing what the Fathers did:

• Maintaining Communion with Rome
• Abiding by Her Judgment

Another thing I have discovered about Eastern Orthodoxy is how "un-Catholic" they really were. Anything Roman/Latin is automatically heretical, and anything at odds with Rome (even Anglicanism) is seen as "friendly" to Orthodoxy. They have essentially made it so that the Faith of the Apostles is Greek. They cling less to actual Patristics as they do their rituals. Indeed, they scold Rome for its insistence on dogma and instead say the Faith is almost totally experiential.

Yet that was another thing I didn't see in the Fathers....and it also did not make too much sense either. When I looked at the history of the early Councils, it became increasingly clear that if the East had done what modern EOs do, then all the East would be lost to heresy. Again and again the Fathers insist on VISIBLE bonds of communion to Rome and they also insist on keeping "right faith" (ortho-doxis) rather than "right practice."

What was most astonishing to me was that, it appeared, the EOs and the OOs really just didn't like Rome or the West. There was something that was really more cultural and power-based than dogmatic. Indeed, the Russian Orthodox turned Russian Catholic church-historian and mystic, Vladimir Soloviev, said that part of the great schism was the fact that the Easterners would "rather be Greeks than Christians." He pointed out that Rome was disliked not so much for theology, but because the Greeks didn't want dirty Latins, Franks, and Teutonic Germans (whom they considered to be "barbaroi") to have any authority over them. They (e.g. Photius) used doctrine and practice, like filioque and unleavened bread, as "beating sticks" to hide and propagate their desire to be an "EASTERN orthodox church." I saw this ALOT in my discussion with EOs over the internet. The Byzantine Empire was held up as a near faultless paradigm of Christianity whereas the West is demonized as a place of "crusades, Inquisitions, witch-hunts, heresy, and superstition." Indeed, one of their favorite tactics was to say that Protestantism is the direct descendent of "Papism" and that Roman Catholics are more similar to Protestants than Eastern Orthodox.


FINAL COMMENTS BELOW.......

 

[Reader Antonius]

FINAL COMMENTS BELOW.......

That also lead me to another realization. From about 1054 to the late 16th century, the Church of Jesus Christ was almost totally "Roman/Latin." Virtually all the East was in schism with the exception of the Maronites and some Armenians. At one point this fact was a stumbling block to me. I thought that it would be most odd for God to allow the Church to be largely "Roman" and let the East go into schism.

And yet I realized that, to God, things like "Roman" don't really matter as much as they do to me. What He cares most about deals less with cultural aspects than it does doctrinal and practical. While we all agree that Jesus has a deep love for all the rites of His Church, when push comes to shove, what matters more is keeping "right faith" (ortho-doxis) and "right practice (ortho-praxis). This would explain why He allowed the Church to be almost totally "Western" in theology for almost 400-500 years. Since the Second Vatican Council, the Church seems to be moving very much to a truly "Catholic" Church in the field of practice and even on theology (e.g. the CCC's exposition on Original Sin is quite Eastern). The Eastern Patriarchs of the Catholic Church are given incredible autonomy and respect and the Eastern Churches are being literally "ordered" to remove all forms of Latin practice and theological influence.

Indeed, both the Catholic West and East is being renewed by Vatican II.


While there are certainly more details, especially a whole host of Patristic passages from the Fathers, that is a general explanation of my journey.

If you place this within the context of my entire journey, I think you could say that these last posts are a pretty good summary of God's work in my life.

(I dedicate this to God, but also to my sister Monica4316. May my own journey with Eastern Orthodoxy help you in your journey home to the Catholic Church.)

Doxa soi, Xristos o Theos, doxa soi
Glory be to Thee, O Christ, Glory be to Thee.

 

[William Putnam]

This thread is on-going

thanks for sharing your testimony! I'm looking forward to reading it

btw, what is that music on your page? It's so beautiful!

God bless

Gregorian chant

Specifically:

Veni Creator Spiritus

(Come Holy Spirit...)


Veni Creator Spiritus,
Mentes tuorum visita,
Imple superna gratiaQuae ti creasti pecatora.
Qui diceris Paraclitus,Altissimi donum Dei,Fons vivus, ignis, caritas,Et spiritalis unctio.Tu septiformis munere,
Digitus Patenae dexterae,Tu rite promissum Patris,
Sermone ditans guttura.Accende lumen sensibus,infunde amorem cordilbus,
Inferma nostri corpisVirtute firmans perpeti.Hostem repellas longuis,
Pacemque dones protinus,Ductore sic to praevio,
Per te sciamus da Patrem,
Noscamus atque Filium,Teque utriusque Spiritum Credamus omni tempore.
Deo Patri sit gloria,Et Filio,
quia mortuisSurrexit, ac Paracito,
in saecculoriium saecula, Amen.

Gregorian chant - God's Music!

http://bellsouthpwp2.net/p/u/putnam_w/music/Veni_Creator.mp3

God bless,

PAX

Bill+†+


Give me that REAL old time religion!
The CATHOLIC CHURCH, 2,000 years of history!