Controlling

[Jack of Spades]

What do you people think about controlling the other in relationships?

I think people seem to have very different tolerance for it. Personally I'm a freedom-loving guy, and I get easily spooked by controlling behavior, and likewise I try to give my partner and friends some space. Some others seem to think it other way around, that being possessive or controlling is just a sign of affection and it means that the person cares.

Which one sounds more true for you, A or B:

A) Trying to change someone only means that you care about them.
B) Trying to change someone means that you don't respect them as an independent person.

And what about these C and D:

C) If you generally like a guy/girl, but can't stand some of their traits, you can always make them change themselves later on in relationship.
D) If you like a guy/girl, but can't accept him/her as they are, most fair way for everyone is to reject them.

(My answers would be B and D)

 

[ReesePiece23]

Define change in this case. Because if someone is doing something potentially detrimental to their quality of life, then I'll certainly make them aware of their behaviours and I'll offer suggestions which may help. I wouldn't hold a gun to their head and make them do it, but I'd encourage them for sure.

In the grand scheme of things, controlling people and bossing others about doesn't interest me. I'd be a terrible boss, because I just hate giving orders. I've never been very good at it. I'm assertive enough, but I just can't delegate.

Going back to the OP, option A would worry me, because that would suggest possible obsession/addiction over that person, as opposed to care.

 

[Cearbhall]

With the choices you're giving, I would label that as a matter of compatibility, not so much control. Saying something like "Hey, it would really help me out if you could try to work on this" is very different from "I have an irrational need for things to be this certain way."

 

[GraceDriven]

What do you people think about controlling the other in relationships?

I think people seem to have very different tolerance for it. Personally I'm a freedom-loving guy, and I get easily spooked by controlling behavior, and likewise I try to give my partner and friends some space. Some others seem to think it other way around, that being possessive or controlling is just a sign of affection and it means that the person cares.

Which one sounds more true for you, A or B:

A) Trying to change someone only means that you care about them.
B) Trying to change someone means that you don't respect them as an independent person.

And what about these C and D:

C) If you generally like a guy/girl, but can't stand some of their traits, you can always make them change themselves later on in relationship.
D) If you like a guy/girl, but can't accept him/her as they are, most fair way for everyone is to reject them.

(My answers would be B and D)

I would almost agree with you, but it is not that simple.

 

[GraceDriven]

I actually had put something in the marriage section that correlates to this thread in terms of losing ones "identity" in a relationship. It is kind of controlling thing when there are things you don't like about the person and you are constantly trying to change that person to accommodate you. I use "you" as generic term.

I consider myself a freedom loving person too.

 

[GraceDriven]

I am sorry cross the threshold of singles... I may be one sooner or later.

 

[GraceDriven]

I will probably get banned again.

 

[Gnarwhal]

What do you people think about controlling the other in relationships?

A man controlling his woman or a woman controlling her man is deplorable. We are human beings, and deserve the dignity of being treated as equals with the faculties and maturity to make responsible decisions and live life well.

I think people seem to have very different tolerance for it. Personally I'm a freedom-loving guy, and I get easily spooked by controlling behavior, and likewise I try to give my partner and friends some space. Some others seem to think it other way around, that being possessive or controlling is just a sign of affection and it means that the person cares.

I'm the same way. If I meet a girl and there seems to be a lot of commentary from her (joking or otherwise) about "training her [boyfriend]" and language like that, I put a whole lot of gone between me and her.

Which one sounds more true for you, A or B:

A) Trying to change someone only means that you care about them.
B) Trying to change someone means that you don't respect them as an independent person.

B. Definitely B.

And what about these C and D:

C) If you generally like a guy/girl, but can't stand some of their traits, you can always make them change themselves later on in relationship.
D) If you like a guy/girl, but can't accept him/her as they are, most fair way for everyone is to reject them.

(My answers would be B and D)

I would say D with the caveat that it should be a last resort, and that perhaps we need to look at ourselves and ask why we can't accept XYZ in this person. If we're the ones that take issue with something then perhaps the issue is our own, in which case the responsibility is on us to change.

 

[Cearbhall]

I'm the same way. If I meet a girl and there seems to be a lot of commentary from her (joking or otherwise) about "training her [boyfriend]" and language like that, I put a whole lot of gone between me and her.

Yeah, that's pretty gross. No one should enter into a relationship with the mindset that the other person is the one who's going to need to do all the self-improving.

 

[blackribbon]

I would say D with the caveat that it should be a last resort, and that perhaps we need to look at ourselves and ask why we can't accept XYZ in this person. If we're the ones that take issue with something then perhaps the issue is our own, in which case the responsibility is on us to change.

THIS! The only person we can change is ourselves anyway. The best we can hope for is to influence someone to change but this can be done in a control way or in a non-controlling way...so it is unique to the situation.

I would be a little wary about using the term "controlling" because it often is used by the person who wants to control. Refusing to change can be another form of control. For example, a married man with children who refuses to give up his poker night even when it starts to interfere with the natural flow of his family's life (finances or time)...well, even if he has always done this, the refusal to change can also be seen as a form of control. (Same goes for the "girls night out")

 

[Jack of Spades]

Refusing to change can be another form of control. For example, a married man with children who refuses to give up his poker night even when it starts to interfere with the natural flow of his family's life (finances or time)...well, even if he has always done this, the refusal to change can also be seen as a form of control. (Same goes for the "girls night out")

From some point of view maybe, but the guys initial intention is not to make someone else change their ways so I wouldn't use that word. I feel that if we call all vices "controlling", that will eventually inflate the meaning of the word. So, I'd rather call that particular case selfishness, if it's indeed causing problems for other members of the family.

I would say D with the caveat that it should be a last resort, and that perhaps we need to look at ourselves and ask why we can't accept XYZ in this person. If we're the ones that take issue with something then perhaps the issue is our own, in which case the responsibility is on us to change.

Yeah very good point. Also if the issue is something very practical, there is a chance for finding some sort of negotiated compromise. So yes, even if we talk about freedom-loving people, it doesn't have to be as "0 or 100" as I made it sound like in the OP.

But I think all of us have some things which are non-negotiable and nothing good will come out of relationship if those things won't match. For me such thing is that I don't want ever to have kids and I would find it very offensive if someone didn't take my position seriously on this from the beginning and tried to later on make me change my mind (or even worse, got herself pregnant without me knowing, but that's bit more extreme case). Likewise, if a woman tells me that she wants to have children, I'm not going to try to convince her otherwise, only way there really is, is to ride in the sunset. In different positions on having children, it's really the best and only option to admit that there can't be a happy ending to the relationship, any other option will leave either one very unhappy in long run.

 

[Deidre32]

Usually, people who try to control others in relationships, are insecure themselves, and fear losing the other. Their controlling behavior usually does just that, however.

 

[GraceDriven]

Usually, people who try to control others in relationships, are insecure themselves, and fear losing the other. Their controlling behavior usually does just that, however.

There are all types of reasons for controlling. That is one.

 

[Bristecom]

You shouldn't necessarily have to control each other. I believe the Bible teaches the man is the head of the household so he is the authority in the family but that's not to say he is to be controlling over his wife. However, as of late, I've known many women in particular that are like cats - they just want to come and go as they please. They'll let someone feed and pamper them at times but in reality, they don't really want to commit to a single person or give up any part of their current "free" lifestyle. I just don't see that as much of a relationship. But in those situations, you cannot change that person anyway, you just need to let them go. And then when they're 40+ years old without having been married (or married for long), they'll have a hard time finding another dedicated man. Same can go for guys obviously but I see it much more often in women.

 

[Jack of Spades]

Usually, people who try to control others in relationships, are insecure themselves, and fear losing the other. Their controlling behavior usually does just that, however.

I think there are many kinds of motivations for it, that being just one possiblity. Personal values can play a part in it too. For example, if a guy believes that protecting his woman (physically, emotionally or spiritually) is a virtue, then it'll likely mean that in practise he will be more controlling towards her than someone with different set of values.

 

[Jack of Spades]

I believe the Bible teaches the man is the head of the household so he is the authority in the family but that's not to say he is to be controlling over his wife.

I'm sorry but I find this contradicting. If I'm authority over someone, it means excactly that I have a level of (at least potential) control over them. Or vice versa, if someone has authority over me, it means they can control what I do/say/etc.

 

[GraceDriven]

I think there are many kinds of motivations for it, that being just one possiblity. Personal values can play a part in it too. For example, if a guy believes that protecting his woman (physically, emotionally or spiritually) is a virtue, then it'll likely mean that in practise he will be more controlling towards her than someone with different set of values.

I will stop posting to abide by rules. But you can tell the difference between love and hate....and than there is indifference.

 

[Deidre32]

I think there are many kinds of motivations for it, that being just one possiblity. Personal values can play a part in it too. For example, if a guy believes that protecting his woman (physically, emotionally or spiritually) is a virtue, then it'll likely mean that in practise he will be more controlling towards her than someone with different set of values.

Why would anyone wish to be with someone who isn't their own person, though? I get what you're saying, but at the end of the day, dating someone who turns into your yes person is rather boring.

 

[Deidre32]

There are all types of reasons for controlling. That is one.

There is no valid reason for one adult to control another adult's decisions in a healthy relationship. An unhealthy relationship, then yes.

 

[Bristecom]

I'm sorry but I find this contradicting. If I'm authority over someone, it means excactly that I have a level of (at least potential) control over them. Or vice versa, if someone has authority over me, it means they can control what I do/say/etc.

"Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:" - Ephesians 5:22-29

That is what I live by. And if you don't like it, then you aren't a very good Christian. So sure, you could say that the man is to control his wife in some regards but people automatically assume this means abuse. But if you read further, you will see that the man is to love his wife as Christ loved us! That means we are to cherish them more than anything (aside from God) and be willing to sacrifice our very lives for them.

I can give you countless examples of families that fell apart because the wife was not submissive and wanted to make the decisions. Again, that's not to say that the man is to ignore the wife's input in matters or not ever allow her charge over things but that ultimately, there needs to be an understanding and respect for the man as the head of the family.

I know it's not politically correct in this day and age but traditionally families have always been this way. It's only with the modern feminist movement that women have been trying to take charge of everything. And I would argue that women naturally want a good man in charge but they have insecurities developed from a bad father or bad boyfriend or from watching the stereotypical bumbling madman on TV so they try to take charge as a protection mechanism.

And hopefully I'm not offending any girls on here but let me just give you a little tip. If you wonder why guys always seem to break up with you and go for other girls, check to see if you are controlling. Almost every time, the new girl is someone who is more submissive and feminine.