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Controlling your mind

Discussion in 'Separation and Marriage Restoration' started by AirForceTeacher, Aug 3, 2006.

  1. AirForceTeacher

    AirForceTeacher King of the Wicker People

    +424
    Christian
    Private
    Ok, since my therapist and friends repeatedly tell me that all I can do is work on myself, here's some dirty laundry I face. I'm attracted to a woman at work. I'm aware of it, and I've confessed it to my wife and try very hard to control it.

    How do you men do this? How do you avoid the emotional attraction to a female other than your wife?
     
    We teamed up with Faith Counseling. Can they help you today?
  2. joyful11

    joyful11 Veteran

    +98
    Christian
    Single
    I am a woman but notice that you don't have a response yet. My dh struggles with porn and even though that is a different issue, it is the same in some ways. I would say that you need to flee that situation. It's easy for me to say, but if you have to in order to save your marriage, find another job. If you stay there, can you move to a different department? If you are in a close working relationship with her, you are in danger of destroying your marriage. If you can, practice bouncing your eyes when she comes your way, keep a picture of your wife nearby to remind yourself that she is your one and only, ask someone to hold you accountable with your thought life. Have you read Every Man's Battle? It has a lot of helpful info on controlling your throughts and mind.
     
  3. Ari5

    Ari5 Regular Member

    406
    +26
    Christian
    Married
    Hey there!
    Well I would say that this life is definately NOT EASY!! Any AMENS out there???

    Anyway, all I can say is that some things are going to be a daily struggle. Everyone has there things that satan uses to get them to fall, so keep that in mind. Satan knows your marraige is going through troubles & he is now sending in the 2nd part of his plan (the other women). So , I would say steer clear!!Don't fall in that pit, it is not easy to get out.

    In the book some things that were recommended :
    -Would be to imagine yourself with this person like 1 year down the road, then 5 years. Think about the people you would hurt if you would follow through on your thoughts. And remember everyone looks good before you know the real them.

    -the other thing would be to maybe focus on something negative about the person, like everyone has faults (example: big nose, rude habits, weird hair, etc.) then instead of thinking they are attractive , think on the negative things about them.

    Most of all I can say , is stay close to God. Do things with other couples, dig into the bible with a friend, work at putting that spark back in your marraige by falling in love with her again.

    Trust me , the grass is not always greener, even though it might look good from where your standing...
     
  4. nowhereville

    nowhereville Senior Member

    567
    +52
    Non-Denom
    Married
    Wow, that's a tough one - I've struggled with that myself. The word "flee" comes to mind LOL - no, seriously there are people that set me off in a tizzy - even though I am not the old (wo)man I used to be - I sense something about them I used to feed off in my life bc (before christ) - Normally I flee as the situation allows. a) No contact - or minimal and strictly work related. b) NO contact outside work for any reason. c) I concentrate on the word and what God has for me. I have come to treasure the work God has given me to do and I can't be in sin and have that gift God has given me. I choose to see the truth no matter what my flesh is screaming at me.
     
  5. Autumnleaf

    Autumnleaf Legend

    +949
    Charismatic
    Married
    I notice the annoying things about them before attraction can develope.
     
  6. InTheFlame

    InTheFlame Guest

    +0
    AL's got a point here. Infatuation's all about inducing a state of fantasy - this person is ALWAYS funny, sensitive, caring, always listens, takes you seriously, never farts in bed, etc etc. But everyone with half a brain knows that everyone has their flaws - and included in those are a few major ones. No-one's ever anywhere near perfect.

    Listen to your thoughts, and think about whether they're realistic. What are you thinking about when you look at this woman? Is it a truth, or a lie? Or is it one of those pesky little half-truths that Satan's so good at?
     
  7. If Not For Grace

    If Not For Grace Legend-but then so's Keith Richards

    +1,953
    Christian
    Married
    US-Republican
    Perhaps you like on some level the idea of being naughty. Forbidden fruit is an appealing worldly idea, (just ask Eve).

    What type person is your wife? Are you happy with her, would you knowling hurt her, think of her crying or putting a gun to her head, or HER yes HER sleeping with someone other than you...whenever you look at this babe and see if that has any effect.
     
  8. tizherself

    tizherself Member

    77
    +8
    Christian
    Just remember that you made your pledge of fidelity, not only to your wife - but to the Lord. And something you may get away with without her knowledge will be seen by Someone Else and you will have to stand before Him and answer when He asks "What did you do with the marriage I gave you?" BE STRICT with yourself when it comes to this woman and the advice to "have no contact outside the office - ever" is right on. My husband started his affair that way - the girl he fooled around with had seizures and couldn't drive. We live in the desert so he would offer her rides home because he felt sorry for her walking in the heat- but let's not go there - this is about your marriage. Keep it professional, don't be alone with her (ie, in the breakroom, etc) and no extra office contact. It must've hurt your wife to hear about the attraction, but at least you made yourself accountable - points for that. Remember your marriage belongs to God as much as it belongs to the two of you - pray about it often :crossrc: - honor Him and "the bride of your youth".
     
  9. ImperialPhantom

    ImperialPhantom Guest

    +0
    Maybe I'm missing something or just ignorant, but telling your wife voluntarily seems like the last thing you'd want to do. Women get VERY heart-wrenched over that stuff. What am I missing?
     
  10. tryingtobe

    tryingtobe New Member

    60
    +1
    Baptist
    Married
    The fact that you are honest in admitting it is the main thing. Although I am a woman my dh talks to me about the same type of thing. He sometimes find other women attractive whether physically or emotionally so we talk about it. He knows not to act upon a feeling of attraction and I trust that because he communicates with me. It's not about him controlling his mind, it's about him controlling his actions. We at the point that he can tell me he found someone attractive and I will ask what he finds attractive about her. When he understands what attracted him I can apply it to myself. For example he was attracted to a woman who was confident, so instead of getting down about the fact that he was attracted to another woman I told myself that he was honest, didn't act upon it and he is obviously more attracted to me because he married me. So that gave me more self-esteem to be more confident for him. He loves my confidence now and I don't even think another woman could get his attention no matter how confident she is. This allows me to be everything I can be for my husband. We also pray together for strength in our marrige everyday and trust that God will point us in the right direction.
     
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