controlling behaviour?

[Goodbook]

I don't know who to ask, well God, but I need some counsel.
I was part of this prayer group but now I have been feeling for a while NOT to go.
But the lady who hosts it seems to always want me to come even if its inconvenient for me - have to drive all the way, its not just a few blocks, in the dark on Tuesday evenings and I already belong to a bible study on Mondays. I don't go to this church anymore I am back with my old one.

She constantly bugs me to come by text by saying Are you coming? or h/group tonite. when I went to one before which she didn't host, they always just gave friendly reminders not demands to come. If I couldn't make it I would just txt and it was ok.

but this one is different and I just feel a bit out of sorts about it. The last time went her house got flooded one day and she asked me to come help her. I did, and its was ok nothing too demanding just vaccuming but then someone else asked me did she pay me and I said no..should she have? She's a widow. But her son while living with her doesn't seem to lift a finger and never greets us when we there or joins us in prayer group. And when she prays its like she wants him out of the house so she can downsize but why would he leave when he can look after his mum keep him company and also live there without paying too much rent. And its his home! He's in his 30s.

I'm just thinking I ought to cut ties but she's being very ungracious when I say I can't make it and would prefer another day to go to a bible study. She makes it seem like I'm putting her out or something?! One time I couldn't make it and was tired and it was like no excuse to her.

advise please.

 

[Albion]

I don't know who to ask, well God, but I need some counsel.
I was part of this prayer group but now I have been feeling for a while NOT to go.
But the lady who hosts it seems to always want me to come even if its inconvenient for me - have to drive all the way, its not just a few blocks, in the dark on Tuesday evenings and I already belong to a bible study on Mondays. I don't go to this church anymore I am back with my old one.

She constantly bugs me to come by text by saying Are you coming? or h/group tonite. when I went to one before which she didn't host, they always just gave friendly reminders not demands to come. If I couldn't make it I would just txt and it was ok.

but this one is different and I just feel a bit out of sorts about it. The last time went her house got flooded one day and she asked me to come help her. I did, and its was ok nothing too demanding just vaccuming but then someone else asked me did she pay me and I said no..should she have? She's a widow. But her son while living with her doesn't seem to lift a finger and never greets us when we there or joins us in prayer group. And when she prays its like she wants him out of the house so she can downsize but why would he leave when he can look after his mum keep him company and also live there without paying too much rent. And its his home! He's in his 30s.

I'm just thinking I ought to cut ties but she's being very ungracious when I say I can't make it and would prefer another day to go to a bible study. She makes it seem like I'm putting her out or something?! One time I couldn't make it and was tired and it was like no excuse to her.

advise please.

It sounds like she needs someone to help her in various ways, and she probably likes you or she wouldn't turn to you as much as she does.

As for the Bible study, a lot of hosts or chairmen of whatever project have a way of pressuring those who might attend, since they want to have a good turnout. You'll just have to be resolute and tell her politely that it's difficult for you, so 'no,' you won't be attending.

Don't be nagged into it, if it's a burden. There's nothing unchristian about declining, especially since you're already committed to another Bible study the previous day. If you stay firm about it, the requests should decline. Incidentally, don't think of every text message or reminder as high pressure; it's just routine for some organizers of events. Even though it seems like you're being badgered, they're just reminders and not every one of them needs to be answered.

 

[Goodbook]

Ok i will just be firm although I have already said no previously and she still bugs me and everytime I send a txt she will send one back saying but..and then lay a guilt trip.

I don't have to answer every txt so I'm not.
I have not come across this with any other bible study/home group I've attended and I've been to a few. Even taken turns hosting and its ok even when 3 are gathered in his name we still pray but I don't make people feel stink for not coming.

While she likes me sometimes I feel like she's kinda using me? theres other things that shes behaved peculiar about that only God knows the reasons. Like one time she told me NOT to contact a friend who's mum had died. Like she was trying to control who I could talk to and even my prayer life.

 

[Albion]

While she likes me sometimes I feel like she's kinda using me?

That's probably right.

It could be that others have not been as easily intimidated as you, so you're the "go to" one at the present. But you can change this if you hold firm once you've given your answer to her (including not giving in when she tries the guilt trips).

 

[paul1149]

she's being very ungracious when I say I can't make it

Where do you think this relationship will end up if it doesn't change direction radically?

 

[ValleyGal]

Imo, if you have no intention of returning to her Bible Study, then you should be honest about that and let her know. She might think you have intentions of coming back, so she should probably be informed that you are not coming back.

If there is ever a time when you feel like you are being used, you are welcome to decline her requests. You control whether you feel used by what you accept and what you don't accept. For example, if she asks you to come and help her, think about whether you will feel used if you accept and go. If you think she is using you when she is making the request, simply decline.

This is a perfect example of having clear boundaries - and boundaries are biblical. There is no point in saying yes you will help, and then feeling resentful for being used. That is not biblical. Boundaries are about taking responsibility for when you say yes, when you say no, and how you feel about each. I know you do not seem very open to the concept of boundaries, but to get a clear idea of what they are and how they are biblical, I really recommend reading "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend. I fully believe that information will help you in many of your relationships.

 

[Mister_Al]

You never know what type of ministry God will put you in. They all aren't glamorous and they all aren't convenient and they aren't always enjoyable. But they are always of God.

Don't be concerned with how others are acting towards you. But instead be concerned with how you are acting in response.

Luke 16:10 Amplified Bible (AMP)
10 He who is faithful in a very little [thing] is faithful also in much, and he who is dishonest and unjust in a very little [thing] is dishonest and unjust also in much.

Alan

 

[Goodbook]

I just said no and seems like she doesn't hear cos she's going deaf.
I also made it clear I can't make it and I'm not going to change all my schedule around just for her. she tried to imply that by me preferring another day that I was wrong and that I didn't think about all the others in the group. I never said the others had to change as well, I'm just not going to come anymore.

How would I know what direction this relationship is going to go in? if I can't make that night I can't make it's got nothing to do with relationship. I don't HAVE to go anywhere.

Valleygirl I don't read pop pyschology but if you show me where in the bible boundaries are I can memorize a verse. thanks.
Man this is ANNOYING. Some people just don't listen the first time. I have NEVER had to nag anyone to come to bible study, if they come, they come, if they don't, they don't and it's no big deal.

 

[ValleyGal]

Boundaries is not pop psychology, and there is no specific verse in the Bible to memorize. It is a concept, one that is backed by scriptural references in numerous ways. The authors are Christians and they have sound biblical references throughout the book.

If it is annoying to have her text you, simply let her know that you are not interested in continuing the study.

 

[BFine]

You may have to be firm with her, if
she pressures you, then let her know that
she's not being gracious to you...you can
refuse to do something without your friend
making it into a major issue.
If she refuses to listen or accept that others
have the right to say yes or no...then put some
distance between the two of you...this friend isn't
being "friendly" and or loving.

"Boundaries" in the Bible are laid out in various
scripture... such as: Matthew 5:37, Proverbs 12:26,
Romans 12:8-9.

Letting your yes mean yes and your no to mean no.
When one says no, it means no--not "maybe".
I'm not going to be attending more than one bible
study and it means just that...I'm not going to give
in and go because someone nags me.

Choosing one's friends carefully...even if they are
Christian, not every Christian is on the same faith
level...some act like selfish children.

Sincerely loving one another, means not trying
to manipulate, strong-arm or "guilt trip" someone
into doing something.
If you can't do something, I will accept that.
If peace can't be established between you and your
friend, you can limit or end contact if she continues
to act like that towards you.

 

[Goodbook]

thanks Bfine, yes Matthew 5:37 is a good verse to memorize and put into practise.

 

[Mister_Al]

Matthew 5:37 is in regard to swearing an oath to add integrity to your promises. Jesus said to not swear an oath but just keep your word. It has nothing to do with setting boundaries.

Alan

 

[ValleyGal]

Alan, actually it does have to do with boundaries. Boundaries are a huge topic encompassing the integrity to let your yes be yes and your no be no. But it takes it even further, to know when to say yes and when to say no. It's also about taking responsibility for those yes's and no's, and all the feelings and consequences of it. It is about respecting yourself enough to be genuine and honest with other people about what you will and will not do and what you will and will not feel. It's about letting in the good and keeping out the bad, and knowing how to discern which is which.

Boundaries is not about limiting other people's behaviour. It is about limiting your behaviour, including response behaviour to other people. It's also about letting other people know what your behaviour will be in response to their behaviour.

In this OP's situation it might look something like this: "Thank you for texting to see if I wanted to come to the Bible study, but after careful thought and prayer, I have chosen to withdraw from that one and start attending another one. While I appreciate the invitation, I am going to continue to decline. I thought I should let you know so that you do not waste your time on texting me every week."

Then if the person continues to invite, the OP might have to take it a step further with something like this: "Since I know I will not be coming back to your Bible study, I would appreciate not getting invites every week."

And if she still persists, it might sound like this: "Constantly texting like this feels like harassment. You're welcome to continue the texting, but you need to know that I may have to report you to your small group pastor, and I really do not want to have to take such a drastic action."

In essence, that is saying "no, I do not want to come to your study" and then sticking by your no, allowing you no to be no.

 

[janny108]

Boundaries is not pop psychology, and there is no specific verse in the Bible to memorize. It is a concept, one that is backed by scriptural references in numerous ways. The authors are Christians and they have sound biblical references throughout the book.

If it is annoying to have her text you, simply let her know that you are not interested in continuing the study.

I agree; don't make it more difficult than it is

 

[janny108]

Alan, actually it does have to do with boundaries. Boundaries are a huge topic encompassing the integrity to let your yes be yes and your no be no. But it takes it even further, to know when to say yes and when to say no. It's also about taking responsibility for those yes's and no's, and all the feelings and consequences of it. It is about respecting yourself enough to be genuine and honest with other people about what you will and will not do and what you will and will not feel. It's about letting in the good and keeping out the bad, and knowing how to discern which is which.

Boundaries is not about limiting other people's behaviour. It is about limiting your behaviour, including response behaviour to other people. It's also about letting other people know what your behaviour will be in response to their behaviour.

In this OP's situation it might look something like this: "Thank you for texting to see if I wanted to come to the Bible study, but after careful thought and prayer, I have chosen to withdraw from that one and start attending another one. While I appreciate the invitation, I am going to continue to decline. I thought I should let you know so that you do not waste your time on texting me every week."

Then if the person continues to invite, the OP might have to take it a step further with something like this: "Since I know I will not be coming back to your Bible study, I would appreciate not getting invites every week."

And if she still persists, it might sound like this: "Constantly texting like this feels like harassment. You're welcome to continue the texting, but you need to know that I may have to report you to your small group pastor, and I really do not want to have to take such a drastic action."

In essence, that is saying "no, I do not want to come to your study" and then sticking by your no, allowing you no to be no.

totally agree with this!

 

[Goodbook]

I'm not going to waste txt message money on things that don't need to be replied to.
If someone wants to argue over txt, they wasting their time with me.

 

[Goodbook]

Actually it is the time that is wrong, not 'I'm not going to come to YOUR study' because I love bible study. Just not all the time with other people at night when it's cold and rainy.

My friend who goes just said they watched a DVD of schindlers list which I'd already seen years ago. So they didn't even do any bible study. What's the point? I had a feeling there were other reasons rather than just bible study, because last time was there, she sighed and said she didn't want to do it anymore, made me lead it, (which I was happy to) and then complained the bible study was too long. Then another lady offered to host it at her house, as she was going on holiday, then she kept bugging me about it. It was canceled because she had to do something with her daughter. So I thought well next week it would be at her house again, no worries. But then..apparently it was at the widows house again and she didn't even say that it had been changed. It was just txt out of nowhere ARE YOU COMMING?

Then she expects me to answer with txts straight away and I have no idea what she means. Why should I waste txts asking her what she even means.

If she just wants to read from Word for Today well we can all do that at home...but I just learned not to divulge too much or go home early cos otherwise she'll make you stay all night giving you cups of tea and talk talk talk. Other people aren't there every single fortnight I wonder if she nags them as well.

 

[Goodbook]

anyway, problem solved, not going anymore. I don't need that manipulative behaviour in my life. I already go to another bible study, and she already knows this. She also already knows I am back at my old church.

One time, I didn't go to this passover dinner thing they had. I was put on the spot about whether or not I was coming and I had no idea or time to decide if wanted to or not. well she was not very gracious when I declined and said sorry I can't make it. I told her thanks for the invite but she could offer to bring someone else, and then she blamed me for not giving her notice. It is ALWAYS like this and I don't know how to make that work. But when I ask her for a similar thing like one time I asked her to a movie she finds it very easy to say NO I will just do what I want in a kind of why do you bother asking me kind of thing. It will always be, I want you to do what I want but you dont' have any say cos I'm just gonna bulldoze you or manipulate you into doing whatever I want, and if you politely decline, I will lay a massive guilt trip on you and send you rude txts. That is just so unchristian and she doesn't even know she's doing this.

anyway, I have other things do to. thanks for your advices.

 

[Mister_Al]

Deleted

 

[janny108]

anyway, problem solved, not going anymore. I don't need that manipulative behaviour in my life. I already go to another bible study, and she already knows this. She also already knows I am back at my old church.

One time, I didn't go to this passover dinner thing they had. I was put on the spot about whether or not I was coming and I had no idea or time to decide if wanted to or not. well she was not very gracious when I declined and said sorry I can't make it. I told her thanks for the invite but she could offer to bring someone else, and then she blamed me for not giving her notice. It is ALWAYS like this and I don't know how to make that work. But when I ask her for a similar thing like one time I asked her to a movie she finds it very easy to say NO I will just do what I want in a kind of why do you bother asking me kind of thing. It will always be, I want you to do what I want but you dont' have any say cos I'm just gonna bulldoze you or manipulate you into doing whatever I want, and if you politely decline, I will lay a massive guilt trip on you and send you rude txts. That is just so unchristian and she doesn't even know she's doing this.

anyway, I have other things do to. thanks for your advices.

shake off the dust off your feet and move on