Contacting my father

[Beautyinsteadofashes]

Hi all. Thanks in advance for reading.
Recently a coworker stopped me and asked for a ride home. We did not know each other or live in the same area. She just saw on the schedule that we got off st the same time and took a chance asking me.
Anyway, we are riding along and she says if I wanted to stop at the gas station she’d put gas in my car and get a pack of “butts”.
I questioned her on what she said and she explained being from Connecticut.
“Me too.” I said.
We kept talking and apparently we kept talking and apparently we were both from The same place in Connecticut and born in the same place in Connecticut. And have the same birthday. Interesting. But wait it gets better!
She asked if I knew a man named blankety blank. (Name isn’t important).
I about froze.
“That’s my father”.
I have not seen or heard from the man in 23 years.
This coworker and my father were in recovery together. According to her, my father has helped a lot of people come clean/sober. And somewhere in between getting clean and completely forgetting his two kids (I have an older brother) he found God. If you can’t tell from that last sentence, I’m a bit hurt that my father never tried to contact us after he and mom separated (on my sixth birthday, thanks guys) and later divorced. But despite that I’m glad he turned his life to Christ.
Anyway....my coworker showed me my father’s Facebook page which I’ve looked through...and that’s really been painful. I mean...just on so many levels. She also gave me his number and email. “Just in case” I want to contact the man who was capable of completely forgetting his only son and daughter. Six years old (me) and (8) my brother.
Now....I don’t believe in coincidence. It implies that things can happen by chance. But we have a Creator holding it all. So it’s not chance.
Opinions welcome.

 

[Take Heart]

Wow o - o ..that's incredible! That is definitely NOT a coincidence. That was divinely appointed for you to meet and talk and find out about your dad..
I'm not sure what it all means, but perhaps you always wanted some sort of closure in regards with your dad and perhaps this was the way He revealed it. Maybe there's more to it that He has in mind for both of you. Glad to hear your dad's found Christ. That's beautiful..

 

[Sam91]

Whatever you do take it slow? Be cautious too as it might open up a can of worms emotionally. Also, just because someone is a Christian doesn't mean they are not flawed.

It sounds like you're going to need to forgive him.

Remember too that he might struggle with the feelings you hold towards him. Oh there is a lot to explore. Take your time to peocess this.

My advice sounds really haphazard. I shall just shut up and pray for you. God bless.

 

[Beautyinsteadofashes]

Whatever you do take it slow? Be cautious too as it might open up a can of worms emotionally. Also, just because someone is a Christian doesn't mean they are not flawed.

It sounds like you're going to need to forgive him.

Remember too that he might struggle with the feelings you hold towards him. Oh there is a lot to explore. Take your time to peocess this.

My advice sounds really haphazard. I shall just shut up and pray for you. God bless.

You’re fine Sam. This happened on Sunday. So I’m definitely still processing.

 

[Long Island Pilgrim]

Wow...thats qiite a story Beautyinstead.

Sometimes there is still unforgivness and/or shame by ourself toward ourself for things we did before we recieved salvation in Christ. Sometimes this is not even fully conscious and we don't realize it. Or we know we have been forgiven by God on an intellectual level but we have not really internalized it yet. This may be why you never heard from him? This young man in the video talks about this very subject and perhaps it may provide some insight.

May God guide and bless you.

 

[Sam91]

You’re fine Sam. This happened on Sunday. So I’m definitely still processing.

Well, I will try to keep you in my prayers over the next few weeks.

 

[Dave G.]

No,that was absolutely not a coincidence ( I don't believe in them either fwiw). Obviously God was ready for this to be revealed even if it takes you and us by surprise. Consider that your father may be struggling with how he behaved and if he was under the influence of alcohol back then, all the more so. He may be wanting to see you guys and not know or understand how to make that contact. Perhaps. Don't take that to the bank and please don't be bitter. Pray on this and believe that all things work out for good with God when we are in Christ Jesus.. There is a purpose, that maybe none of us understands right now.

 

[Albion]

You’re fine Sam. This happened on Sunday. So I’m definitely still processing.

That is probably a wise decision--to take it slow. But I also think that you will have to set aside your apprehensions and contact him sooner or later, under some circumstance or another. If you choose NOT to do that, I suspect that you will be haunted forever by "What if I had...?" thoughts.

 

[Beautyinsteadofashes]

That is probably a wise decision--to take it slow. But I also think that you will have to set aside your apprehensions and contact him sooner or later, under some circumstance or another. If you choose NOT to do that, I suspect that you will be haunted forever by "What if I had...?" thoughts.

That’s probably true. I would wonder what if

 

[turkle]

That is quite a story!

I am guessing that your father did not forget about you. Especially after he was saved, he probably has dealt with a lot of guilt. There's a chance he hasn't contacted you because he feels unworthy and inadequate. He also might be hesitant to suddenly disrupt your life by showing up.

I understand how it feels to be abandoned (I was too), but I encourage you to try to see all scenarios as you think about what to do with this information. When you're abandoned, it's easiest to think the worst of the other, which might not necessarily be true. Or it might. Either way, be prepared for a lot of emotional upheaval. I wish you well.

 

[discipler7]

This coworker and my father were in recovery together.

Drug addicts or alcoholics who are in desperate need of their daily fix, are like people being demon-obsessed.(LEVITICUS.10:9) This may explain their bad or evil behaviour, eg abandoning their kids.

FYI, about drug addiction .......

In normal people, their brains begin to secrete more stimulating neurotransmitters when the sun rises in the morning(=triggered by light sensors in the eyes), eg serotonin, dopamine, adrenaline, acetyl choline, etc which serve to elevate mood, improve mental concentration, alertness, increase energy level and muscle strength, etc, in order to prepare the body for a day of physical activity to earn their livelihood(=in ancient times, it was farming, hunting, fishing, etc) or to start the work-day.
.......Conversely, their brains begin to secrete more sedating neurotransmitters when the sun sets at night, eg GABA, endorphin(=painkiller and anti-depressant), melatonin(=sleepiness), etc; which serve to slow down(=inhibit) and calm the mind, relax the muscles, numb down any pain/depression, etc, in order to prepare the body for a night of restful sleep.

Psychotropic drugs are artificial analogues of these natural neuroT's produced by the brain, ie drugs mimic neuroT's. Alcohol, heroin, morphine, oxycodone(=opiod painkiller), anxiolytics/sleeping pills, anesthetics, etc are sedatives. Caffeine, nicotine, methamphetamine/ice, cocaine, etc are stimulants.
.......Such artificial drugs cause tempting emotions of euphoria or total calmness and addiction/dependency when they are wrongly and excessively used. Eg Opiod painkillers, anti-anxiety pills and sleeping pills should be taken at the prescribed dosage and for not more than 3 weeks.

Also, children of alcoholics(and/or drug-addicts) will inherit alcoholism(= born with altered or damaged DNA/brains, eg crack-babies and meth-babies) and will grow up to experience the associated withdrawal symptoms = abnormal or defective personality. The withdrawal symptoms of alcoholism are symptoms of an over-active, uncalm and over-sensitive brain = nervousness/anxieties, sweaty palms, muscle tics, over-thinking, difficulty falling asleep/insomnia, paranoia, delusions, etc.

This is bc alcohol(and also prescription anxiolytics, depressant, sleeping pills, etc) works by slowing down brain activity, calming the person, relaxing muscles and numbing pain, resulting in sedation, anxiolysis, mental relaxation, elimination of social inhibition, slowed muscle coordination, painlessness, etc.
.......Over-consumption of alcohol result in drunkenness(=brain becomes too slow and too calm) and eventually a comatosed sleep(brain activity stopped) and waking up with hangover headaches.

Alcohol, being an analogue of the brain's own naturally-produced neuroT's(=GABA, endorphin, melatonin, etc). When consumed daily and long term(= more than 1 month), it will result in the brain stopping the production of its own neuroTs = the body's/brain's negative-feedback response system. This results in addiction or dependency, ie the altered/damaged-brain requires alcohol in order to function normally.

Once addicted, alcoholics or the descendants of alcoholics(or drug-addicts) should remain on a maintenance dose of alcohol or anxiolytic pills, in order to stave off the terrible withdrawal symptoms(= Delirium Tremens). This is similar to a Type2 diabetic, who has damaged pancreas, being "addicted/dependent" on daily doses of life-sustaining insulin to survive for the rest of his/her life, in order for the body to function normally, wrt blood glucose level; if not...

The other alternative is for the alcoholics to keep themselves off alcohol and become social recluse since their brains cannot function normally without alcohol. Their life will be filled with withdrawal symptoms, eg an uncalm and over-active mind(= nervousness/anxiety).

Often, alcoholics and drug addicts may replace their addiction with another addictive drug like prescription pills, nicotine, caffeine, cocaine, etc, which is not the same as being really cured of addiction or being fully rehabilitated.

Bear in mind that the average adult body eliminates alcohol at a constant rate of about 30ml per hour. What does this mean.?
.......1 bottle of red wine(=750ml at 13% concentration of alcohol) has about 90ml of alcohol. Drinking 1 bottle of wine at 1 go will leave the body with more than 60ml of alcohol in the bloodstream during the 1st hour. This enhances the calming or sedating effects of alcohol that has been consumed, compared to just drinking 2 glasses of red wine(=no kick). That is why many alcoholics go for binge-drinking, in order to get more "bang"(effects) out of it, ie drinking 2-3 bottles of beer at one sitting.

The body's natural Fight-or-Flight response can also affect normal people, addicts and the descendants of addicts, depending on their life choices, ie may result in Bipolar Disorder or cycles of mania and depression, if they choose an outgoing lifestyle and job description.
.......This naturally built-in F-o-F response is to cater for emergency situations, eg stumbling upon a tiger while hunting in the jungle. This response enables the person to either flee from or fight off the tiger by giving him/her superhuman-strength, -energy, -concentration, -confidence, -painlessness, -alertness, -elevated mood, -etc.

If used smartly and judiciously(=no over-consumption), alcoholics, drug-addicts and smokers can live quite long, eg Paul McCartney, Mick Jagger, etc.. Suddenly, skipping the prescribed medication or going cold turkey on drugs/alcohol may be more risky and/or life-threatening, eg make rash life decisions, brain haemorrhage/stroke or heart failure.

 

[Roseonathorn]

He might think that what He has done to You is not easily forgiveable. He might have been pressured, threathened or forced by someone to stay away and not be in touch only hoping that You some day look Him up. He might be ashamed by His former behaviour and think that You do not want to be in touch with Him. He might be a coward toward His own children and instead try to help others to make up to that. Usually taking a step in the right direction is not so bad or writing a letter without thinking the worst. Things usually has an explanation and one needs to hear it from the right person in question. Mom doesn't know why dad behaved as He did always because dad lies to mom too.

 

[Zatek]

Be happy for him that he turned his life around and turned to Christ, but that's all. You are an adult now and any chance he had to be your father is already gone because you are no longer a child. He already has his own friends and mentors in life to help guide him. He is not and never was your father in any meaningful definition of the word. Both of you need to put the past behind you and move on with the future. If you feel you have unresolved issues talk about it with a professional, not your "father".

 

[ValleyGal]

According to Dr. Gabor Mate (physician who specialized with people on the notorious Downtown Eastside, Vancouver, BC), every addict has had some sort of trauma in their past. All I can say is please pray for compassion for your father. Alcoholism and other addictions wreak havoc in people's lives, and they do things they really don't want to do. Even Paul talked about this in his letter to the Romans (ch. 7). He could be still processing his own guilt, shame, identity, attachment issues, trauma...

I get your confusion, though. Recently, my mom in her mid-70's found out that her dad she's always known, is not her bio-dad. Her mom was likely seduced or assaulted by a man twice her age, and she may not have known whose the baby was - husband or the other man. Her parents have all been deceased since the 1970's, including the man whose dna she supposedly shares. I've been helping mom work through all this - it's been devastating to her! There are so many emotions, things she will never know the truth about, decisions she is making about her newly-found half-siblings and the effect all this has on the only family she ever knew.

As I told her, I think it would be wise to do a few things. Find this woman who gave you his number, and give it back to her. She did not have his permission to pass it along, and you do not know that he would even want to reconnect at this time. She jumped the gun. Tell her you will give her YOUR information IF you decide you want to meet him, and she can pass it along to him. That puts you in control and also protects your father's privacy and right to remain out of your life until he is ready to meet with you.

Second, go for a few counselling sessions. This is a lot for your brain to process on your own. You have a lot of thoughts mixed with a lot of emotions. And when you are emotional, it's nearly impossible to activate the logical, reasoning part of the brain that can systematically work through it all. Work it out first. There is no rush.

Third, talk to your mom, if you are close. Tell her what happened, and ask her if she has any feedback about what you should do. If you are not close to her, then talk to your brother and see what he has to say. You may feel better if you have kin to go through it with you, and to support you, and to make decisions with.

All through this, pray. You don't need to know why this has come to your attention, but it does not necessarily mean that you should meet him. The whole reason might be to bring this family matter to your attention so that you can be healed from his abandonment, or to bring you and your brother closer, or for some other reason that may never be known. I believe there is a reason, but it might have nothing to do with you, and might have everything to do with you teaching the co-worker that she should protect other people's private information a little more carefully. So really pray about it, speak to a counsellor, and seek feedback from the family you already know. That's pretty much what I told mom (in addition to getting dna testing if she really wants or needs to know - mostly regarding medical history).

I'll keep you in my thoughts also when I pray for my mom... these are huge family issues for both of you.

 

[Roseonathorn]

Whatever you do take it slow? Be cautious too as it might open up a can of worms emotionally. Also, just because someone is a Christian doesn't mean they are not flawed.

It sounds like you're going to need to forgive him.

Remember too that he might struggle with the feelings you hold towards him. Oh there is a lot to explore. Take your time to peocess this.

My advice sounds really haphazard. I shall just shut up and pray for you. God bless.

Yeah... now they advertice little yuckie worms for dieting purposes on this site too... hehe Well we shall not have that. But Hallelujah that the father has taken steps toward Christ, let's pray for this father-daughter situation. They might have some things in common if they want to get to know each other. The picture is taken one bright morning a few days ago. It was a beautiful winterday as if God our Father wanted to bless it a bit more.

 

[Kit Sigmon]

You can't undo what you already know and have accessed the information... but you can pray that if your father really has gotten saved and he is living godly and is being an ambassador for the Lord as us believers should be.

I believe in forgiveness and reconciliations(when it's possible and safe to do that).
Forgiveness is possible to do, it doesn't mean you have to be in each others lives
if it's not safe to do that.
I know some have only been able to forgive they estranged parent but they can
have no relationship with that parent because he or she is so toxic and or unsafe.

You know and have seen what estrangement and not knowing has done to you, your brother and your mom...during all those years since the divorce happened and your father's substance abuse etc you haven't forgotten your absent father...whether your thoughts be good, bad or indifferent about him, you haven't forgotten ...and he hasn't forgotten his children or the events that happened.

I know because I have a first marriage that ended in divorce, I haven't forgotten my ex or the events that happened during and after that marriage ended
in divorce.
What I did learn to do was forgive him and to turn him and all that sorrow, anger
and bitterness over to the Lord and let Him help me work through those emotions/feelings and be able to forgive and find healing and restoration.
Restoration wasn't with my ex, he'd already married soon after our divorce was
finalized, they married that same day the divorce was declared.
Restoration for me... was inner peace, contentment, godly joy and the ability to continue to walk humbly with the Lord and abide in Him regardless if I was to able
to marry again or not.

 

[Mountainmanbob]

Probably a good idea to give him a simple call.

You mentioned that he is in recovery and now has God in his life. Many in the recovery programs have different gods. Just something to take note of.

M-Bob

 

[GTW27]

The Lord is a restorer, and His timing is always perfect. He also sees the heart(of you both) and the hurt and incompleteness that remains. The timing is now, and the door is open. Yes, this is The Lords doing, for who else could bring all of this together? The Lord always works things out for good for those who love Him.

 

[Petros2015]

As someone who is in recovery, I would say yes go ahead and contact him.
The 9th step is "Made direct amends to such people [we have harmed] wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others."

He may have felt that there was no way to do that and bringing himself back into your life might have caused you harm. I think you should reach out.

 

[Beautyinsteadofashes]

Well everyone...I have an update. I emailed my father. He responded and said he has been trying to find me for a long long time. And wants a relationship with me.
My brain has yet to fully process that this is happening.
Despite a lot of fear and apprehension, I’m also admittedly excited about this.
I have not responded to his last email. I’m having trouble with what to say. So many questions.
Thanks Everyone he read this thread and please keep me in your prayers.