Dear Jenn,
I guess that's your name since it's in your sig. (If not, I'm very sorry.
) I just read this whole thread and my heart aches for you, and I am so pleased to see that you've come so far already.
I feel completely compelled to reply to your message because I have been there. My parents are not Christian, and neither is my only sibling, and I've never really had a boyfriend. So I know what it's like to feel horribly lonely... especially when
all of your closest friends are in relationships. I'm not going to preach to you. I just want to tell you about the biggest mistakes of my life. And I'm still a virgin.
One day I was feeling so lonely and unlovable, I sought out a guy friend who was willing, and we made out. Afterwards, I felt incredibly cheap and worthless, so bad that I let him do it again a couple weeks later... the rationale being that if I let someone do these things to me enough times, they would lose all meaning, and I wouldn't feel bad about it. That was SO MUCH ****. After the second time, I felt so much worse. I refused to have any contact with him. I was afraid to leave my dorm room at night even to go down the hall, for fear that I would see him again. (It wasn't sex of any kind, but what we did was bad enough that I'd rather not mention it in a public forum.) I felt so gross and disgusting I would take extremely hot showers so the water would hurt my skin. Yet at the same time, I felt these horrible feelings of
disappointment... that I'd been unable to keep the only guy who'd ever been attracted to me.
Then another boy came along. He claimed to be a Christian... I look back on that and laugh at myself for believing him, because he is no Christian by any stretch of the imagination.
We were "just friends" for awhile until one day... he invited me up to his room. This first time I participated... not because of liking him in any way, but because I figured, "hey, I'm so ugly and pathetic, this is probably the last time in my life a guy's ever going to treat me like this."
The next day I foolishly went back to him to try to figure out if he had any feelings for me. This time, he pushed me down and started to do the same things again. I tried to push him off of me but he wouldn't move. I had to wait until he was finished, and it was so humiliating! All I can say is, thank God he didn't try to go any further than I had let him before.
Some guys assume that once they get part of you, they have a right to take ALL of you, whenever they want to.
THEY DON'T.
The day after that, I made him come up to my room to, once more, try to find out if he had any feelings for me. (I didn't say I wasn't an idiot, now...) I hoped that he'd recognize that since it was MY room, it was MY turf, and I would make the rules. Yep, once again, I backed down... he pushed me down and did those same things to me, and I still couldn't get him off me, and this time he tried to go further. Only he stopped short, because, by the grace of God, my "friend" was in town, if you know what I mean. So he finally let me up, and I managed to corner him to ask him if he had any feelings for me. He said... he did, but he didn't want to ever start a relationship with me, because I am Orthodox, and he didn't agree with some things we Orthodox believe. It was then that I realized that he'd been using me the whole time for, *ahem*, his own benefit. I slapped him across the face and threw him out of my room.
Months later I was so proud of myself for having grown away from all of that, that I allowed myself to see him once more just to prove to myself I was free from him. STUPID MATRONA NEVER LEARNS! We took a walk outside, and I was forced to keep my hand on his arm because I don't see very well at night. He took advantage of that and tried to throw me into some water sprinklers as a stupid joke (he's stupid like that). I don't know how, considering how much larger he is than me, but I actually managed to overpower him and keep from getting thrown. Later I stupidly went up to his room again. (I just never learn, do I?!) Yes, he got on top of me again, and *tried* to do the things he liked to do before. This time, I threw him off of me. I knew I could do it this time because of what I'd done outside to keep from getting thrown into the sprinklers. And I left. Even though my mind was still saying that if I left him I'd be alone for the rest of my life, I finally realized,
if THAT THING is the only boy I could ever marry, I'd MUCH rather die alone!
I haven't spoken to this boy in several months now because I blocked him on my instant messenger, and bless the Lord, I haven't had to confront him. I know what I did was wrong. But what that boy did to me... forcing me down so I couldn't move, I could barely breathe... that was a thousand times worse. I still pay the price for what I did, though. This is the first time I've ever been able to talk about it... anywhere, to anyone.
The point of my painfully long story is that even if you try to set limits with guys like that who are just using you... THEY WILL IGNORE THEM. They will use you and then they will drop you like an old newspaper. I've finally been hurt badly enough to learn my lesson. I know you've done things you regret. So have I--and I tried to heal that pain by making it worse. What I did is only comparable to, say, if got a paper cut on my finger, and I tried to make it feel better by grabbing a hatchet and cutting a different finger off so the paper cut wouldn't seem as bad by comparison.
The worst part of what happened to me is this. This boy apparently became angry with me for not speaking to me. We have some mutual friends. He told my friends that we'd gone all the way, and finished it off with several more lies. It ruined my reputation and made me look like an absolute prostitute. One of our mutual friends is a guy I really like... and I mean LIKE like. But when Jerk Boy told my friend those lies... it sort of cooled off our friendship, and he ended up with a different girl. And
the worst thing is, I can't set the record straight about what Jerk Boy did to me and repair my reputation, because I can't bear to admit to my friend what actually happened!
So Jenn, I think it's high time to leave your past behind you. What's done is done. I agree with MsDe, a good idea would be to get a good friend of yours to stay with you whenever you might be around this boy, to help you stay away from him, and therefore the temptation. Just stay away from him. I took a trip 4,000 miles away that helped BIG TIME. I just want you to know that you have a kindred spirit here and I understand what you've been through. There's no doubt about it, there are a lot of people here who care about you, and pray for you. God will give you what you need to fight this, and you're not a weak or bad person for having struggles--everyone has them and not one person has a right to look down on you. You can be the person God made you to be, as long as you fight for it.
Love,