Considering Divorce

[peacechild4]

Looking at the dates... I am so sorry this has gone on so long.. since I posted about my husband we are now divorced.. I could not live in that zone of being separated and still feeling everything but having nothing and he would not return to me and didn't want it.. I am about to go out on a walk and will pray for you while I am out..

 

[faithinmyself]

Well here we are...nearly 7 years since all this started and NOTHING has changed! I have not left because I am torn about it all. He is a good guy but I am beyond frustrated! Not sure what to do anymore! He has been super affectionte with me the last few months and it makes me uncomfortable and I giving him a kiss or a hug is a "chore" for me. I just don't love him.I have been praying for God to change this but there is just nothing there. I don't know what to do!!!

 

[NOTW_2010]

In a previous post about the supposed "last" counseling session, you said you were going to lay things out. How did that turn out?

I'm just wondering if a separation is in order. Codependency is not a good thing. Maybe some space and time between you will do him some good, if it wakes him up. I also agree with a previous post about placing more emphasis on your personal relationship with Christ than on your husband.

Surely there is somewhere he can go, and surely there is somewhere you can go. This situation can't be impossible. There must be a way to get some movement.

 

[faithinmyself]

I am sorry for not responding sooner. It has been sometime since I have been able to get back here and find my post.

Hard situation forsure. I often wonder if we both just "settled". I jokingly asked him tonight if we should get a divorce and he said NO. I asked why and he said because it isn't right.

The more the time goes by the more resentment I get towards him. We have definately grown apart and I do believe we love eachother in a friendship kinda way. I don't think there is love like a husband and wife should have between us.

Whenever I bring up when things will change for "us" he always tells me I am asking the wrong person. I need to ask God. I find he knows how to manipulate me and I just don't know how to explain myself for him to understand how I am feeling. I think he only cares about how he feels and less about how I feel. I have just given up trying.

I appreciate all your comments and support. Means a lot.

 

[Easyk]

Have you tired writing it in a letter? Sometimes the best way is to write it all down,

 

[faithinmyself]

That is a really good idea!!! Maybe I will try that. Everytime I try and talk to him he tells me I am talking to the wrong person I need to tell God and not him. So frustrating! Thanks for the idea

 

[Easyk]

He is wrong, for the man is the spiritual head of the house, for if he is reading the bible as he claims. Then he needs to abide by scripture " for a man shall love his wife as God loves his church" by that statement alone he is falling far short. For he is hurting you, and by so doing hurting the church,all his spiritual endevours will fail, as you are one flesh and thus need to be united before God. You are not united at present, for things to truly change and God to guide, you both need to be praying together and walking the path together and learning together, not on his or your own.

He is hurting God, because he is hurting Gods daughter. God can not intervene as he wants until you are both walking together. What you both need to do together is study the bible and discover together what God says about marriage and how you both can help and for fill each others desires. Sorry to say but if he keeps this up, temptation will come knocking on your door.. It seems to me that one of the ways Satan destroys marriages is because of what he is doing, this way your needs aren't being for filled and you will sooner or later fall, also by doing what Satan has subtly suggested " get closer to God and he will help you" lie he has in one stock removed you two as a threat to Satans plans. God will hint, but not truly move in your lives until you both walk together in Jesus Christ and learn together and be true,y one. He has fallen for a terrible lie.. And God will help thos who don't help themselves, thing is they need to be listening to his advice and guidance. Often people get so wrapped up in Satans lie, they fail to see the truth.. Sometimes talking to the wives of the men whom he congregates with, and have these wives talk to their husbands, even a meeting with them all, with out your man their, then they can confront him and ask him why he is sining so badly against his wife and not loving you as Christ loves the church. But I would go in a group meeting with a list of points so you don't get lost and ask them to just listen first. Your not being selfish, your hurting and need his love. It's not too late to fall in love again, it can happen if both are willing, all things are possible in Jesus Christ who strengthens us. It has happened in my marriage, it's waiting again and I ow we need God again.. Again read carefully and I would have the men in his life confront him with his sin.. And get the marriage books, ESP the ones with scripture y ou can both read and study together.. Generally and the saying is true, couples who pray and study together stay together.. And as both your love for Jesus Christ grows, so will the love for each other grow. For you are the ultimate gift to the world and two each other and this must be sAved..a he needs to be shown and warned that sooner or later sin will tempt you..

If you like you can pm me the letter and I can let you know what I think and maybe reword it so he understands it properly...

 

[faithinmyself]

I just don’t know how much longer I can do this for. I am so emotionally checked out. I wish I could say I love my husband. What a terrible person I am.

I asked my husband today what it will take to get him motivated enough to find a job. He looked at me like I was crazy and said “I can’t, I am sick”. I get he is having some issues and has
for a very long time. I think his “sickness” is something he is going to have to learn to live with. But he won’t let himself think he can work while living with his illness. He has put us in
such a very bad financial situation. He doesn’t seem to care how this is affecting us or even me. I have so much resentment and I find myself pulling further and further away. I cannot even
stand him touching me. Even with having these feelings he is not a bad guy. What frustrates me is he goes out for walks 2, 3x a day (which is a good thing for health) but he is too sick to work.
He goes to church at least 4x a week, but he is too sick to work. He works on his car but he is too sick to work. He sits and watches hours of Christian television but he is too sick to work. Maybe
I am just being selfish.

I have tried being the supportive wife. We have done counseling, we have had talks. He gives me one word answers most of the time. I need more from him. I just feel he doesn’t support me the way I need him to support me. He is not there for me emotionally and I think this is part of my resentment towards him. But yet I don’t have it in me to just leave him or ask for time apart. I want out but I can’t do it to him.

Not sure where to turn from here. I am just so super sad all the time.

 

[faithinmyself]

It's been a LONG while since I last checked in and posted. Things are still the same ole same ole. Many may wonder why I am still sticking it out. I will try and explain.

Somedays I feel like I could fall in love with him again, somedays I have nothing but resentment towards him, somedays I feel like there was never anything but friendship and we are basically just living like roommates. The issue is, he is really stronged willed and I don't think he has ever sat back and looked at it from my position. I just give in because I don't have the energy anymore.

I have tried everything I can. I took many of your suggestions and his response has always been "I understand what you are saying". Maybe he just has more faith in God than I do. I don't know. I don't give up easily as you can see. I am really lonely and sad and I know if the opportunity came I would totally have an affair. I know what you all are thinking...not the answer. And I know its not. But I totally see why some people do have affairs. I don't support that but I understand it. I don't think I could ever even though sometimes when I feel low I say I would. Not sure I have it in me to hurt my husband like this. No matter what I say about him, I do know he is a good guy.

We have gone as far as we can on the counseling front. I feel both churches we (well mostly HE because I am just plain disgusted in churches...that is another story and another topic for another time) well they are just less than supportive. The pastors I know are more focused on building a house of sheep. Focus more on people who have money to support the church or people who can help build their church and programs than they are in saving marriages and lives unless you have money that is. Not saying ALL churches are this way just my experience so far.

I know part of my husbands problem is a mental illness. But I continue to express to him that he can only help himself. When I get really frustrated he tells me sorry and it won't always be like this and one day God will heal him. I personally feel this is a cop out. Basically what it is telling me is "It's ok for him not to work (I understand that part, he has several chronic illnesses that prevents that..he has since been put on a permanent disability through his work), its ok for him to sleep 75% of each day. He tells me somedays he doesn't want to face the day because he is frustrated too. But its ok to live like this until God heals him. I don't see it the same way he does.

I am noticing we have less and less in common. But its just frustrating for me because I cannot count on him. This is how his day goes. He goes to bed at 1am, wakes him around 9am and tells me he either has a headache, didn't sleep well the night before, takes more sleeping aids and goes back to bed. He will get up every few hours to tell me he is going back to bed. Around 3pm or 4pm he will get up. Watch TV until midnight, sit and pray and come to bed at 1am. Rinse, Repeat. I don't feel he is always truthful with me. Sometimes before he can speak I will say "Oh let me guess, you have a headache..you didn't sleep last night...you are still tired. LOL.

I don't know. Maybe this is it for my life. I feel like I am just here to babysit him, makes sure he showers, makes sure he eats. Maybe this is my life and I need to face it. I think my family has given up. They are less than supportive anyway (another very long and complicated situation there, lol) they don't get it but they are not Christians either.

Not really sure why I am writing all of this. Maybe in case someone else is out there going through similar situations to know you are not alone.

Hope everyone is having a great Saturday. :o)

 

[Svt4Him]

I have been married 20 years, we do not have children. I have been so unhappy, so alone and I have tried to fall back in love with him but there is just nothing there anymore. All my husband wants to do is pray, read his bible, work on his vehicle and go to church. He goes to various church things 5 days a week. We have not been intimate in a few years and when we do I would say its twice a year in the past 10 years. He has some medical issues going on and has not been able to work in at least 5 years now. I have had "talks" with him about going back to work. I firmly believe God does not help us if we don't help ourselves.

I do want a divorce but I do know its all wrong. We have been to counselling but nothing changes. We are living as roomates really. Yes we sleep in the same bed but I often sleep out in the couch. We do not have the same goals or interests. I look at him as my friend and not my husband. I really have tried. When I first started feeling like this I have posted on here about 4 years ago. Got some great advise and I did pray about it, I have gone to counselling. I stay in this marriage because it would break me to hurt him. Yes I do love him..as a friend would love a good friend. It kills me to admit to myself that I just don't love him as a wife should love her husband. But I know it goes against christian belief to even think about divorce. I am on disability and had surgery 2 years ago and will need to go through another surgery before I can return to work. I am going to make steps to get my life in order and return to work against my doctor's advise (medically) anyhow. My husband because if his anxiety, depression and sickness (physical sickness) is not able to work even though I have said numerous times before that if he just walked in faith and trusted God and returned to work that God would help him. I strongly feel that he feels he has to be "healed" or have a certain encounter with God or a "feeling" before doing that. He really believes he cannot work and when he does think about it he has panic attacks. I know he is not lazy, it bothers him he cannot provide and it's something he does stress about on the daily basis. I don't think he loves me either. I think he "thinks" he does but I honestly feel he looks at me as his best friend but not really love/wife material.

I want to move on. But then I worry and think..I can't just leave him with nothing. He cannot provide for himself. I cannot leave him alone. I need to make steps to better my life. I have goals and dreams...they just are not the same goals and dreams my husband has.

I am confused, hurt, mad, angry, upset. Thanks for letting me vent. Would love to hear from anyone else in the same situation. And please if your only comment is pray more, go to more counselling...you can save your comments for someone else. I have exhausted all avenues. I just need comments of support and understanding. Thanks

If you are not happy, don't blame your husband. You are the only one responsible for your happiness. You are looking to another man to make you happy, he will fail. Happiness is part of your process. Find stuff you enjoy doing, then go do it.

As for your comment about prayer, in order to say a comment like that means you think it's not working. I'd advise don't pray more, but get to know the God you're praying to. Take simply 3 minutes a day and remind God of who He is. Don't pray for your marriage, become the woman of God you are meant to be and a man would be a fool not to seek after that.

 

[Svt4Him]

I just don’t know how much longer I can do this for. I am so emotionally checked out. I wish I could say I love my husband. What a terrible person I am.

I asked my husband today what it will take to get him motivated enough to find a job. He looked at me like I was crazy and said “I can’t, I am sick”. I get he is having some issues and has
for a very long time. I think his “sickness” is something he is going to have to learn to live with. But he won’t let himself think he can work while living with his illness. He has put us in
such a very bad financial situation. He doesn’t seem to care how this is affecting us or even me. I have so much resentment and I find myself pulling further and further away. I cannot even
stand him touching me. Even with having these feelings he is not a bad guy. What frustrates me is he goes out for walks 2, 3x a day (which is a good thing for health) but he is too sick to work.
He goes to church at least 4x a week, but he is too sick to work. He works on his car but he is too sick to work. He sits and watches hours of Christian television but he is too sick to work. Maybe
I am just being selfish.

I have tried being the supportive wife. We have done counseling, we have had talks. He gives me one word answers most of the time. I need more from him. I just feel he doesn’t support me the way I need him to support me. He is not there for me emotionally and I think this is part of my resentment towards him. But yet I don’t have it in me to just leave him or ask for time apart. I want out but I can’t do it to him.

Not sure where to turn from here. I am just so super sad all the time.

You are not called to love your husband, you are called to respect him. You made a vow through sickness and in health and if you're husband is sick, it's an external issue he is facing. If you don't respect him, you need to change, and that is when love comes back.

I know it sounds like I'm saying it's all your fault, it is not. You do need to change your processes on some of these issues, but you don't have the power to change another, that is God's area, although He has given us means to deal with it it a Godly way.

It's not easy, I don't pretend it is, but it is worth it. It doesn't get any easier if you leave, and in fact there are a plethora of new issues, so this is one thing that is worth fighting for. But don't do it alone, no one is strong enough for that either.

Best of luck to you.

 

[dayhiker]

faithinmyself - that sounds like a hard road.
I do think there is a place in God where you can find inner peace and a place where you can find meaning in life. I have no clue how you are to get there. Yet a place to start might be to find your idenity in Christ and not in being the wife of a _______ husband. I'll let you at the descriptive word.
Part of the problem it seems to me is that it doesn't sound like your husband is giving any praise and love to you for all your doing. That has to drain your strength to serve him. Anyways I'm writing more to express I hear your struggle more than to say I have any answer.

 

[Gwenyfur]

faithinmyself:

Ignore my icon for a moment and just read this:

1 Timothy 5:7-9
King James Version (KJV)
7 And these things give in charge, that they may be blameless.

8 But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel.

 

[Deepest Blue]

Hi faithinmyself,

I'm sorry that you're going through this very difficult time, I really feel for you. I just wanted to say that I'm praying for you and that I wish you all the best.

May God bless you abundantly.
Take Care.

 

[JaniMelody]

It s sad to read stories like yours, i feel for women like you.
A man that doesn t take care of her women is not a man in my eyes, let it be if he had medical issues or even psychological but that can all be fixed with creativity, pills, talk...
You know as long as you have your health you have everything - you can live your life if you have health! Saying that take your life in your own hands talk with him directly tell him the exact things you need, you wish-you owe that to him...
If he doesn t play your game, than you should go with respect to yourself and find a man that will take care of you.

 

[Brandon25]

Hi Faithinmyself,

from reading almost all of your posts, all I can say is wow. You have been on a very long journey, and my heart really goes out to you! I literally cannot imagine myself walking in your shoes nor imaging what you have gone through. I know your seeking advice, and I will be honest that I don't have much experience, but I hope that maybe something that is said in this post will be from God and be what you need to hear. I am engaged right now and set to marry my beautiful fiancé after my deployment. The advice I can give you is just based on my relationship with Christ, what I've learned from books, observing my friend's marriages, from my relationship with my fiancé, and from what me and her have learned together going through pre-marital counseling.

I first want to say that I respect you, your a woman that has endured A LOT.. I think everything you have been going through emotionally, mentally, spiritually, etc... is completely normal.. because (and I say this Respectfully) I see a completely shattered marriage that is eating you both from the inside out.. In my opinion, your marriage is dead.... BUT, there is Hope.. God has the power to bring back to life, that which has died.

I don't know how much you have shared with him about how you are truly feeling, but I think you should tell him everything that you have been feeling. Not in an accusing manner, but with the heart of forgiveness.

I like to think of the road to marriage and marriage itself is like a house.. it starts with the foundation.. everyone lays a house on some foundation whether it be sex, money, prestige, fear, etc. The foundation we must lay our marriage on as Christians is Jesus, because that is the foundation that lasts. After you lay your foundation on Christ, then you resurrect the structures like: communication, trust, love (agape, Eros, Philos), grace, forgiveness, church/community, etc.. If I may say, I think your marriage (house) needs to undergo MAJOR reconstruction..

So here is some advice that I hope helps:
1.) Focus on your relationship with Christ.. You won't find fulfillment or identity that completes you in anything else.. your husband, job, "freedom" from your marriage, etc will not bring you fulfillment like Jesus does.
2.) Stop with the defeating self-talk. We all struggle with this from time to time, but our words can create or destroy.. we construct a lot of our reality by the words we speak about it or into it. Instead of destroying him in your head, start thinking positively about him. Focus on the good qualities, show that agape love to him.
3.) Continue to pray for yourself, your husband, your marriage.. and continue to have people pray for you.
4.) ok this is kind of what I mean about going back to the basics.. and this may sound funny.. but you might try reading this pre-marital book called "Now that we're engaged".. it has been a great book for me and my fiancé.. and maybe "5 love languages" which talks about how we give and receive love and what our own love languages are. Lol there is probably better books out there, but basically what I'm getting at is getting back to the basics of what a healthy marriage should be built on.


That's what I have for you.. I really hope that something of what I listed above or said was from God and could help you. My heart goes out to you and your marriage.. never give up, and never stop fighting for the health of your marriage.. I hope with everything in my that God restores your marriage and this becomes a huge story about God and his power.

Have an awesome day!
Brandon