Considering Divorce

[faithinmyself]

I have been married 20 years, we do not have children. I have been so unhappy, so alone and I have tried to fall back in love with him but there is just nothing there anymore. All my husband wants to do is pray, read his bible, work on his vehicle and go to church. He goes to various church things 5 days a week. We have not been intimate in a few years and when we do I would say its twice a year in the past 10 years. He has some medical issues going on and has not been able to work in at least 5 years now. I have had "talks" with him about going back to work. I firmly believe God does not help us if we don't help ourselves.

I do want a divorce but I do know its all wrong. We have been to counselling but nothing changes. We are living as roomates really. Yes we sleep in the same bed but I often sleep out in the couch. We do not have the same goals or interests. I look at him as my friend and not my husband. I really have tried. When I first started feeling like this I have posted on here about 4 years ago. Got some great advise and I did pray about it, I have gone to counselling. I stay in this marriage because it would break me to hurt him. Yes I do love him..as a friend would love a good friend. It kills me to admit to myself that I just don't love him as a wife should love her husband. But I know it goes against christian belief to even think about divorce. I am on disability and had surgery 2 years ago and will need to go through another surgery before I can return to work. I am going to make steps to get my life in order and return to work against my doctor's advise (medically) anyhow. My husband because if his anxiety, depression and sickness (physical sickness) is not able to work even though I have said numerous times before that if he just walked in faith and trusted God and returned to work that God would help him. I strongly feel that he feels he has to be "healed" or have a certain encounter with God or a "feeling" before doing that. He really believes he cannot work and when he does think about it he has panic attacks. I know he is not lazy, it bothers him he cannot provide and it's something he does stress about on the daily basis. I don't think he loves me either. I think he "thinks" he does but I honestly feel he looks at me as his best friend but not really love/wife material.

I want to move on. But then I worry and think..I can't just leave him with nothing. He cannot provide for himself. I cannot leave him alone. I need to make steps to better my life. I have goals and dreams...they just are not the same goals and dreams my husband has.

I am confused, hurt, mad, angry, upset. Thanks for letting me vent. Would love to hear from anyone else in the same situation. And please if your only comment is pray more, go to more counselling...you can save your comments for someone else. I have exhausted all avenues. I just need comments of support and understanding. Thanks

 

[Sandradee0303]

I have no magical words. Nothing at all actually that I can say to help you figure out your situation. I just wanted to say I am praying for you.

I hope somebody else that has gone through what you are experiencing will post something helpful!

God Bless you!

 

[faithinmyself]

Thanks Sandradee

 

[Autumnleaf]

He has church to fall back on. He'll be okay. If you have to go then go.

 

[Gwenyfur]

Sounds like it's past time to kick dust from your feet girl. There's a life out there...go live it He's a big boy...he'll figure it out

 

[faithinmyself]

Thanks for your comments. It just helps knowing others understand

 

[jham123]

Your love has waned due to him not doing what he should as a Husband and head of household.

You have a little boy living with you....you want a man.

praying, counseling will not make him see the errors of his ways, nor will it make him grow up anytime soon.

 

[foodiepeep]

Hi Faith- I truly identify with how you feel. (My post about filing for a divorce is in this section too.) I've never felt so alone or scared in my entire life. I have no friends or family to rely on and I'm disabled, cannot drive, and have never worked. I have to start my life completely over with nothing and no one to help me through everything. I don't know about you, but I could really use a friend right now.

 

[RoseJan1]

I was feeling so low that I told him how I felt a couple of weeks before the trip. He did a complete turn a around. He was easy going and happy before and during the trip. We really did have a good time on our vacation and our marriage strung out for a few more years after that.

 

[Duckybill]

I have been married 20 years, we do not have children. I have been so unhappy, so alone and I have tried to fall back in love with him but there is just nothing there anymore. All my husband wants to do is pray, read his bible, work on his vehicle and go to church. He goes to various church things 5 days a week. We have not been intimate in a few years and when we do I would say its twice a year in the past 10 years. He has some medical issues going on and has not been able to work in at least 5 years now. I have had "talks" with him about going back to work. I firmly believe God does not help us if we don't help ourselves.

I do want a divorce but I do know its all wrong. We have been to counselling but nothing changes. We are living as roomates really. Yes we sleep in the same bed but I often sleep out in the couch. We do not have the same goals or interests. I look at him as my friend and not my husband. I really have tried. When I first started feeling like this I have posted on here about 4 years ago. Got some great advise and I did pray about it, I have gone to counselling. I stay in this marriage because it would break me to hurt him. Yes I do love him..as a friend would love a good friend. It kills me to admit to myself that I just don't love him as a wife should love her husband. But I know it goes against christian belief to even think about divorce. I am on disability and had surgery 2 years ago and will need to go through another surgery before I can return to work. I am going to make steps to get my life in order and return to work against my doctor's advise (medically) anyhow. My husband because if his anxiety, depression and sickness (physical sickness) is not able to work even though I have said numerous times before that if he just walked in faith and trusted God and returned to work that God would help him. I strongly feel that he feels he has to be "healed" or have a certain encounter with God or a "feeling" before doing that. He really believes he cannot work and when he does think about it he has panic attacks. I know he is not lazy, it bothers him he cannot provide and it's something he does stress about on the daily basis. I don't think he loves me either. I think he "thinks" he does but I honestly feel he looks at me as his best friend but not really love/wife material.

I want to move on. But then I worry and think..I can't just leave him with nothing. He cannot provide for himself. I cannot leave him alone. I need to make steps to better my life. I have goals and dreams...they just are not the same goals and dreams my husband has.

I am confused, hurt, mad, angry, upset. Thanks for letting me vent. Would love to hear from anyone else in the same situation. And please if your only comment is pray more, go to more counselling...you can save your comments for someone else. I have exhausted all avenues. I just need comments of support and understanding. Thanks

If you are a Christian then you MUST realize that divorce can lead to eternal consequences. I.E. adultery. Satan is the author of divorce.

Romans 7:2-3 (NKJV)
2 For the woman who has a husband is bound by the law to her husband as long as he lives. But if the husband dies, she is released from the law of her husband. 3 So then if, while her husband lives, she marries another man, she will be called an adulteress; but if her husband dies, she is free from that law, so that she is no adulteress, though she has married another man.

1 Corinthians 7:39 (NKJV)
39 A wife is bound by law as long as her husband lives; but if her husband dies, she is at liberty to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord.

 

[peacechild4]

((Hugs)) this is hard.. very very hard.. I believe GOD will love you and forgive you even if you do divorce... GOD is not mean and nasty and knows we fail on earth to always do "the right thing as others say we should". And things fall apart sometimes... I feel for you.. be at peace with whatever you decide.. GOD will take care of the rest... You obviously care about him.. sometimes we just cannot make it work.. I would make sure whatever you do.. you find support and help to heal because without healing no matter what you do it will keep failing if you don't heal and get healthy... GOD heals our broken hearts.. he knows people divorce and marriages fail.. and HE loves us.. praise GOD for that..

 

[Niffer]

Wow - I can't imaging how difficult it is for you!
The only part that really has me confused is that he's is acting (going to church, reading the Bible, doing church activities) like a Christian, but somehow ignoring God's greatest gift to his life - You! His wife, his other half that was God-given...
You said he likes to read - have you given him any "Godly husband" type books?
I know you went to counseling, and it didn't work out, I'm sorry for that.

I had a husband who was only unemployed for 8 months, and it took an amazing toll on our marriage. Men should be out providing and working for their family, and when they're not, its easy for them to become discouraged and lethargic.
Does he actually work at these church functions?? eg. physically? Like setting up the hall? Building work? Anything?
If he can physically do it, I would greatly encourage it.

I know I'm only getting what you're saying at face-value, and am not really able to tell whats going on - but I pray that it all works out, and you're able to be happy together.

- Niff

 

[faithinmyself]

Thank you everyone for your kind words and support. This is such a terrible road to be travelling. Unfortunately things are pretty much the same thing. It is so frustrating!

I am trying to be so supportive of him, I am trying to fall back in love with him but it's only friendship feelings I have for him. I feel a huge amount of responsibility to do what is right and be a wife and friend to him. Something terrible did happen though. How do I even explain this.

About 3 weeks ago my husband got up in the middle of the night and he looked like he was drunk. I asked him what was wrong with him and he said nothing, just tired. This was at 4am. I got up to go to the bathroom and the curtain rod was down, it was crazy. I asked what happened and he said he walked into it. That just didn't make any sense to me. I know he does take far too many pain medication. I asked him if he took anything and he said no. He was staggering like he was drunk. I finally got up and called my sister who is an RN nurse and she thought maybe he had low blood sugar and he needs to get checked out.

I finally got it out of him. 2 years ago when my mom passed away unexpectantly my doctor gave me some ativan and I took 1 pill and that was enough for me never to take it again. I did not like how it made me feel. So my husband tells me he took 1 pill and then an hour later took 2 pills and a hour later took 3 pills. So I asked, 6 pills in 3 hours? Later I found out he took 5 pills and then an hour later 5 more. I checked the pill container and there were 24 pills missing. I asked why he took it and he said he wanted to see how it "felt". I don't like that he has lied to me but what do ya do but move on. I did write his doctor a long letter so he was aware of the situation. I told his only sibling as well as they need to be aware. My sister and dad came over and my sister said he is not doing good. After they left he convinced me he was fine. So we went to the store. It was the most scariest thing ever. He was not good to drive. He is a very careful driver but this day he should not have driven. He was driving fast, up in curbs, I had to yell it at a few times to stop the car and he thought I was crazy. When I was yelling at him and I have never yelled at him like this in our 20 years of marriage, it did not phase him one bit. It took him over a week to admit to me he should not have been driving that day. We only went 4 blocks there and 4 blocks back to the grocery store but I would not let him drive for a few days after that. Ever since then I am nervous to drive with him. He thinks I overreact which I probably do, lol. He now blames the incident on "satan" and how satan tried to take him out. I just wish he would own up to his own responsibilities and actions.

It is so hard to talk to him. He does not listen to me. I sat him down this morning again and said, how do you feel about going back to work? He said, no I am not ready yet. Geez guy, it's only been FIVE YEARS!!!! He then tells me he wants to work more than anybody but he just feels he is not ready. I explained to him that he may not get the whole "spiritual" experience he is looking for. What makes me upset is people in his church give him false leads and false hopes. One lady tells him he will be healed by the end of 2009. Well 2009 came and went and then he asks her and she apologizes. Then she told him about 3 months ago that God told her he would be healed by Fall 2010. He is holding out that hope. I shake my head. I mean don't get me wrong, I believe in healing, I believe God can use people to share things they see but come on, don't give people false hope. This fall will come and go and I know my husband is going to say "I don't know why it didn't happen but maybe it meant this, or maybe it meant that". I firmly believe God does and will not help those who do not help themselves.

I am tired of waiting, I am tired of supporting and just getting nothing back. I am tired of resenting him. I am ready to move on and get on with my life. I just don't get his attention. Even last night we sit down to watch a movie and he has his bible open. He cannot just sit and enjoy my company and watch a movie with me without reading his bible or memorizing his scripture cards. He never wants to go out and do anything. I mean money is a huge issue for us but there are plenty of things we can do as a couple that will not cost us anything. I don't know. How long do I be supportive, try and love him, pray for him so much. I am taking steps to better our lives. I am now enrolled into college doing the winter semester. it is not real college..more of continuing education for a course that helps me study for a test I have to take to get a good job in a promising career. There are 4 levels but the first level just gets my foot in the door. There are steps I have to take.

How bad is it that I resent him even right this second, laying back in his recliner praying? If I had the means I would leave today. I am sure this makes me sound like a terrible person. Well that is my update

 

[Gwenyfur]

Not terrible ...
just terribly used...

 

[bethrow]

Some people sit and wait for God to move without moving themselves. This is your husband. He's doing right by reading the bible, memorizing scripture, and praying...however this man has a duty to provide for you and he's not doing it. He needs to be working and taking care of the things around your home, and taking care of you. It sounds to me like he puts all of his attention into the church and what they say rather than what you say. You are his wife and has a responsibility as a husband. He's totally missing it.
Can you sit him down and say,"Look...you aren't doing anything. You don't work, you don't listen to me, pay attention to me. What in the world do you expect me to do in this marriage...sit and twiddle my thumbs while you sit and pray, read your bible, and memorize scripture?" Tell him that if things don't change then you'll be leaving.
It's not fair to you. Does he know how you feel and that you want to leave?
I'm sorry you are stuck in a marriage you don't enjoy.

 

[Conservativation]

So heavenly minded he is no earthly good....OR...and this is worded awkwardly, he is USING his faith as a crutch.
I believe that if you dig in you will find several things, one of the most tangible is about the prescription drugs.
If he uses pain killers, then ativan and things like that....it reflects back to the pain killers. He has to get off them, if only to see that he CAN. They flood the brain with seratonin, and without them he will feel badly depressed and horrible, even if he doesnt have withdrawals, which are a nightmare that Ive seen folks experience.

I think there is a lot about the drugs....and thats the issue. They kill sexual appetite, they offer a sort of calm that is conducive to the spiritual pursuits he seems to do at the expense of everything else. Sometimes they even keep people awake and they resort to ativan or similar to sleep.

Also, find out if he takes ambien for sleep, it causes all kinds of sleepwalking weird things in some percentage of people.

 

[Duckybill]

God changes the hearts of others for His people who believe his promises. He promises goodness and mercy.

Psalm 23:6 (NKJV)
6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me All the days of my life;

 

[Drandon]

"I firmly believe God does and will not help those who do not help themselves."

You have to nix this idea. It is, almost antithetical to scripture. God would not
condone laziness, and that's about as far as you can take it. Other than that
God helps those who cannot help themselves everyday, and this is where I feel
that your husband falls.

If you're looking at this situation, and searching for scripture, and support from
brothers and sisters in Christ to give you the OK to leave, then part of you is
already preparing for God's response - which you would be correct in fearing.

I cannot say that I think you should stay or leave, but rather you need to
prioritize your own spiritual life, stop looking at the Satan's greener grass.
It is a wide road is wide, and it leads to destruction. The road to holiness
is narrow and difficult to pass, but it leads to eternal joy.

My suggestion to you is this:
Stop trying to fall in love with your husband. In fact, ignore your marriage
for a while. Your husband isn't going anywhere. He'll be OK while you do this.
Don't worry about church things or doing "works". Don't worry about sex,
don't worry about being "Christian". Don't worry about being a "good Christian
wife".

Focus only - ONLY - on Christ, and do everything you can to fall passionately
in love with your savior. He is the ultimate man. He is the ultimate provider,
and he has already proven beyond doubt that he wants you more than anything.

If you truly believe in Him, then consider the sacrifice that was made with YOU,
specifically, on his heart. Consider how much he loves you, how you were made in
his image, that his thoughts of you outnumber grains of sand, that he made you
who you are inside, that he blessed you, that God himself loves you so much he
was willing to see His own son murdered if it meant saving YOU.

Abandon this idea that peace exists outside your house in the arms of some
other schlep. Let God work on your husband. It isn't your job to fix him. God
will, or God won't, and it will be at his behest for his purposes.

If you want to be excited about life and find true and lasting love, I invite you
to try your savior on for size. I recommend getting the Crazy Love book from
Francis Chan, and Captivating by Staci Eldridge for a good starting point.

 

[fairygailie]

all i know is that there are ALOT of christian people who marry the RIGHT person the second time around and are very happy. God forgives us.

i'm in an awful situation. i've been unhappy for about 10 years. my husband and i are just not compatible. marrying him was an awful mistake.

yea, we got along in the beginning, but when stuff happened, such as losing a child, and i became christian and began to grow up a bit, he couldn't take it. he started putting down every good thing in my life. every accomplishment. every joy. he hated my grief ministry to women who had preg loss.

anyways... over the past 16 or so years, it's been all down hill. i stayed because i wanted my son to have his father around. now my son is 17 and will be going to college in september '11, and i really wanna get outta here and live without someone who has NO clue how to communicate like a mature adult, except for putdowns.

i'm a really nice person, a really good person. i think i deserve a mate who appreciates me for who i am, and not one who tries to tear me down.

it's scary tho, the thought of being on my own for the first time in my life. any suggestions?

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

Wanting to read the Bible and pray and be involved in church is a bad thing?

Your husband is sick. He's got depression and anxiety, and possibly some addictions to the meds he has been on for those. Your vows weren't "til death or illness and unemployment do we part", were they? If he had cancer or some other illness preventing him from working would it be the same?

I know mental illness is horrible to deal with -- from both the perspective of someone who went through years of depression during my past and from the perspective of someone who has dealt with those who had mental illnesses. If your husband says he can't work, he really probably cannot at this point.

Mental illness can take years to heal from. It is going to take effort on his part. He sounds like he is trying with counseling and with church. I'm sorry if you don't like my reply but I think it would be foolish to throw 20 years of marriage out the window over this. If you were the one suffering from mental illness and couldn't help yourself, how would you feel if your spouse, who vowed to stay with you through the good and bad, just quit on you?