Confused

[HopelesslyLost67]

I didnt know if I should post on this thread or not. Anyway, I'm 44 and I really hate my life. Divorced once, currently married but have been seperated for 2 years from my wife and currently living with a girlfriend. Lost a daughter from my first wife because of adultery as well as selfishness and self-righteousness. Then delibrately seperated myself from my parents and my sister. I have a horrible addiction to pornography and I suffer from dysthymia, a depression disorder since I was a child.

I stopped going to church about 2 months ago, I grew tired of all the hypocrisy and judgment. I have issues with God, one because I am adopted and I dont understand how he would allow me to have life and then end up hurting everyone around me and two, I can never get things right with him and I never heard him answer me in my times of begging. I now have contemplated suicide. I know it will hurt others but I'm just plain tired. I don't know what to do.

 

[Theodore1]

It is very common to be tangled in such confusion, when 1 thing happens.


Proverbs 25:28
"He that has no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls"

You, like i was, my friend, are not the master of yourself and your desires.
Your desires are the master of you.

You can not become the master of your desires, without the grace of God.
Each day you must pray to Jesus Christ, to give you His grace, to shield you with it, in order to shield you from your desires.
When, after some time, you continue your prayers, each day, and throughout the day, God Will shield you from the desires which are the master of you right now. And then, my friend, you, with the help of God's grace, will achieve to be the master of your desires. You will control when and if you want something. Not your desires telling you when to do something and what to want(specifically about the porn addiction).

Speaking from experience, and lots lots lots of struggle and suffering, this is the only way. And you can not do it yourself. Only Jesus Christ can do it for you. His grace is the only shield that can hold our desires at bay.
Mind you, my friend, this is not something that you will earn at some point and then just forget about everything and move on with your life.
A christian's life is all about struggle, and we must all fight the good fight throughout our life, and, upon death, await for our Lord, to receive us in paradise, where we will not have to struggle any more.
Life, is not a hollywood movie.
This will be your struggle, a lifelong one.
And everyday, and throughout the day, you ask for our Lord's grace.
Say the common prayer everyday, not only once, but as often throughout the day as you like. And if at some point you do not want to say it, struggle and do say it, because the devil will want to claim you back and enslave you once more, as he has enslaved you now to your desires. You are not a free man, my friend, but a slave to your desires. Ask God for His grace, through repeating and saying the Lord's prayer. But don't aimlessly say it in your mind. Pay attention to the words, to each and every word.
Our Heavenly Father (think when you say it, "do i consider God as my Father, or my creator?" And slowly you will see through God's grace that He is.
thou art in heaven, hallowed be thy name,
thy will be done (think, is there anything better than having the Lord's will to be done? isn't the allknowing God's will better to be done, than your own will be done, who do not know anything?)..... think while you pray on each word....think....
forgive us our debts (sins), as we forgive our debtors (those who have sinned against us)... think "in order for God to forgive me, i must forgive everyone who has wronged me.....have i?"....
If you chose to go to church, find one where you feel LOVE by the pastor or priest and from the people who attend it. Don't go to a church where a priest or pastor yells about how people MUST do things or else they will go to hell.....
Do these things my friend, and with God's grace through prayer, fight the good fight, and never let your guard down.

 

[Krgo1986]

Brother,

I am honored to be able to write in response to your distress. I too am married and have walked through the trials of adultery. I too have had a major addiction to pornography in my life so at least, to a degree, I can relate to your life. I know that you are hurting and my hope is that you will find rest from your pain. Marriage sure can be difficult can't it? Those first couple years of marriage were the hardest years of my life, and i know my wife would agree. My wife and I are both Christians, and as Christians we are saved by the blood of Christ but we are still sinners. God knows how sinners think and He knows what sinners do-think about themselves. Isn't that about the gist of it? Me first? I am geared this way, you are geared this way and so is the rest of the world. Praise God that my salvation does not depened upon my life's work but instead the work has already been accomplished through Jesus Christ. So now that I said all that, here comes the answere to how you can find Joy again. You must surrender your life to Jesus Christ once again. Even though you and I may have made that decision to follow Jesus on the day we first believed, we must renew our affirmation on a daily bases, pressing onward to surrender our hearts to Him, the only one that brings true joy. I am sure that you love your girlfriend but the fact remains that you have been made one flesh with your wife on the day you made that promise. You must flee from your extramarital relationship and plea for your wife to recieve you back. You must try. I know that it is hard to believe that someone who has never met you could care but I promise you that I do care and I want you to have Joy in your life and there is only one place to have Joy- through Jesus Christ and according to the bible we can only have that relationship with Him if we surrender our lives to Him. Based on the elementary tenants of the Gospel, that means that you must be reunited with your wife. This will be the beginning of your new life in Christ and God will workout all the other fine details and they will be amazing.
Your brother, Jonathan