Confused!

[RachelZ]

Hi, haven't been around much lately...hope you're all having as good a day as possible. The title pretty much sums it up really...I'm confused! Just had a therapy session and it wrapped up with him saying something like he can see a lot of anger in me and that I have obsessional thinking but that he doesn't see the anxiety...but that what feels like anxiety is in fact repressed anger. The thing is I do agree that I have some anger issues and I also think that people don't necessarily see the extent if anything of my internal anxiety. A friend once said I wasn't the sort of person who'd need counselling...HA! Well, I give that example to show that even friends can perceive me as someone who is grounded and not a bundle of various hideous feelings that wax and wane. But I'm confused cos honestly although I think some of my feelings may be anger related when I have a spike or a thought that sets me off on the obsessional thinking road it sure feels like something ranging from fear to terror! But I can understand why someone might have a hard time looking at my exterior and seeing that...but in therapy I know they don't just look at exteriors but listen very carefully to what you say. So I don't know what to think now...do I have an anxiety disorder or is it all repressed anger? Recently even just trying to pray makes me feel the anxiety rising...cos I'm terrified of God and what He might be thinking about me. I then think that maybe if that's the reaction prayer causes then maybe this is about me being out of favour with God cos how can someone in His will feel so terrified of Him?

Thanks for listening...hope it made sense...take care, Rachel

 

[keryakos]

Forgive me if this comes across as militant thats not the intent but i dont have the energy to sugar coat my feelings at the moment ..

What do they know ? Just because they have a degree and they are liscened
does not mean they know what they are talking about .. this smacks of Sigmund Freud who said that depression is really anger turned inwards ..i think it can be that in some cases but not in all ..and its the same way with OCD except that
OCD is not caused by anger .. anger can trigger episodes of OCD but anger is not the root of it ..if any emotion is the root of OCD it is fear ..not anger ..

I know that seeing another counselor is not an option but i advise you to politely challenge what they are saying about this ... and maybe offer your own theory ..or ideas ..

 

[RachelZ]

Thanks Keryakos...yes I did challenge it and that's OK with him...he's not averse to being disagreed with. Hope you're doing OK OCD wise and that you get a bit more oomph energy wise...fatigue is a horrible thing! Take care and thanks again for responding...Rachel

 

[keryakos]

Thanks Keryakos...yes I did challenge it and that's OK with him...he's not averse to being disagreed with. Hope you're doing OK OCD wise and that you get a bit more oomph energy wise...fatigue is a horrible thing! Take care and thanks again for responding...Rachel

ooomph ...yes i would love to have some ooomph

no further questions your honor

 

[Jesuslovesme29]

Anger can and does come from fear.

A mothers child walks away in the store, the child is missing for a bit and she finds her child. She is going to be very angry, but where is this anger coming from? The Worry and fear oh her child being lost,taken away possibly dead.



I think what we should all determine is if this anger problems come from past hurts, which alot of it also does

 

[keryakos]

Not to be argumentative but Anger does not always come from fear ..
For example there is rightcheous Anger when we see injustice for that is not from a place of fear actually Anger can come from a place of love
In fact if you dont get angry when you see injustice for example you have a very calloused heart ,,

So its not either or ..it is relative to the situation at hand

 

[kaykay9.0]

Well, Rachel, it's hard to evaluate just knowing someone on the internet, but I see a lot more anxiety in you than anger. With myself, I think it works the other way. I think sometimes I get angry and grouchy because I'm anxious and obsessing. Does that make any sense? Not that I'm excusing it. Not at all, but that's the progression of it mostly IMO. In other words, just speaking for me personally, I think the anxiety over the obsession fuels some anger rather than vice verse. Hope I'm making sense. Anyway, yes, I agree with you. Sometimes I do think it's difficult for someone else to understand the level of anxiety we're actually experiencing...even someone we're trying to be transparent with. I don't think, for example, even my husband knows the LEVEL to which I obsess about things though he has counseled me inumerable times, prayed for me and lived with me for 34 years. He understands to some extent, certainly, but even he, I don't believe, knows how really tormented I am by some of this stuff.

And yes, of course, we can have anger regarding other things that don't relate to OCD. OCD is not, after all, the sum total of who we are. We're more complex that that. Mostly, however, with you, Rachel, since you asked, I see anxiety and OCD.

 

[RachelZ]

Hi Jesuslovesme29...thanks for your reply...yes I totally agree that fear can lead to anger such as in the situation you describe. And yes I think stuff from my past does impact my anger levels. I think though that where I'm struggling with this is that for example if I'm cooking and I'm worried something may have contaminated something else cos they were close at one point then I don't feel anger I feel anxiety and uncertainty. If I feel God is angry at me which I pretty much do all the time then I don't feel anger I feel fear and all the rising "what ifs?" within me!

Thanks for your input KayKay...it helps to have your perspective! Ironically I think this is actually making me a bit angry cos I feel like I have a hard enough time determining what I feel and why and fear was something I was pretty sure about...now I'm thinking is it really anger? Having ME I'm used to people not getting how I feel physically and doctors blatantly disbelieving me and this feels like yet another thing where I can't trust my own judgement. And yes, like you I think the OCD makes me angry and frustrated at times as opposed to the other way round. The thing is I do have a hard time describing how I feel...I get a lot of horrible feelings in my arms which I put down to anxiety and I was trying to describe those to him today...maybe how I describe it just doesn't sound like anxiety. But then he's picked up before on what I think is the incongruity between how I look and what I'm saying about how I feel...ie I'm looking fairly OK but describing anxiety. When you're outward appearance may seem calm maybe it is hard for people to get that inside you have a river of fear coursing through your veins and a feeling in your head like a startled rabbit! What I hate is that now I have to wait another week to do anything about this and funnily enough I'm quite obsessive and can't just let things go until I can resolve them. I was also trying to tell him how just starting to pray makes the feelings worse. Yes I think I can be and have been furious with God...to my shame I've spat venom at Him...but the main overiding feeling is one of fear and terror...a feeling like He is very, very, VERY angry with me. So I can't even take this all to God. Do you ever just feel lost? I think I feel a little like that tonight. And yes I totally agree that OCD is not all we are...and maybe therein lies the trouble...I have other issues going on which confuse and muddle the picture. However, I don't have a problem with accepting that...what I can't see is that the horrible feelings I get are not to do with anxiety cos they sure feel like it to me!

Thanks again and take care all...Rachel

 

[kaykay9.0]

Well, Rachel, not a psychiatrist or professional counselor here, but I can definitely see that you deal with a LOT of anxiety. Just tell your counselor that some lady named "kaykay" across the pond says, "no, it's anxiety!" (I'm quite sure he would be suitably impressed by my credentials and my online analysis!)

But seriously, like keryakos says, a professional degree doesn't always make someone's theories right, ya know. If it seems off base to you, it probably is. Not to say that sometimes people can't see things in us we don't see in ourselves, but ...you know what I mean.

And yes, sometimes when my OCD is really spiking, I do feel "lost" but I tell God that I do. For what my opinion is worth, I really don't think the Lord is at ALL angry with you, Rachel. I wish you could understand that.

 

[RachelZ]

Lol...that made me smile! He SHOULD listen to you...you seem to know me rather well!

I agree re. theories...I guess I just panic that he should get it all right or how can I trust him?

What you say about God is very touching...I feel sad that I don't feel able to believe that for myself. I think tonight the lostness is cos of the OCD, my feelings in general, the therapy and how I feel re. God...like where do I go for help?

Thanks again...you're an angel...please if you can pray for wisdom and the baility to at least pray a little without feeling worse...take care, Rachel

 

[kaykay9.0]

Lol...that made me smile! He SHOULD listen to you...you seem to know me rather well!

I agree re. theories...I guess I just panic that he should get it all right or how can I trust him?

What you say about God is very touching...I feel sad that I don't feel able to believe that for myself. I think tonight the lostness is cos of the OCD, my feelings in general, the therapy and how I feel re. God...like where do I go for help?

Thanks again...you're an angel...please if you can pray for wisdom and the baility to at least pray a little without feeling worse...take care, Rachel

Yes, praying for you, Rachel. A counselor doesn't have to be 100% right to be a good counselor for you.

 

[RachelZ]

Thanks KayKay...appreciate that and the prayers! Hugs, Rachel