confused on my divorce

[leadinglady311]

I don't even believe I'm doing this, writing in this thread I mean. It's not like I don't know the answer but it still hurts so bad.

My husband and I have been married for 5 years but seperated since December. I found out in September that he was cheating for the last 2 and a half years. I put him out and then asked him to come back like 2 months later and he said no. He is very content being out there and has been disgusting to me and very mean and hateful like It was ME who was caught cheating. He doesn't visit our son consistently and I am so hurt because through it all, I still loved him. To top it off, I was served tonight at home with divorce papers stating it was domestic relations whatever the heck that means. Why am I hurt? I am hurt because when I got married, I was holy ghost filled, I vowed till death do us part and I stood by my husband through SO MANY things to have him cheat on me, betray me and now to now just throw it away with a piece of paper. I still Love God and I know he doesn't make mistakes and all things come to those who love Him but I am like in my heart saying, why? When you try to do the right thing and it doesn't come to pass, what is the point? How do I ever trust a man again? I have met a few men through these months, good men, but I didn't pursue it because I was still married and I still loved my husband and I am like, I can't believe anything any of these men are saying to me. I need you saints...give me a song, a scripture, something....God knows, I need his comforting arms right now.

 

[dayknee]

Oh my goodness..I am so sorry that you are going thru this. It is so painful.
I don't think I have any thing of the top of my head that I could even say. Other than I am very sorry another person is struggling thru this.

All things work together for good for those who love the Lord and that is the complete truth. This is a trying time and I am going to pray for you and your little son. I have complete faith that you will be brought thru this wiser and stronger.

I am so sorry.
<hugs>

 

[leadinglady311]

I thank you so much. I believe God. I trust God and I know that all good things come to those who love and trust the Lord and I know that he is my strenght. I know that I was directed to this site days before for a reason, because in multitude, there is strength.
Thank you Dayknee for taking the time to respond. I will pray for you and your family as well. God is in the blessing business. I believe this. smile

 

[dayknee]

I am having huge struggles in my life as well. I know how certain things cause so much pain. Im seperated..have been for a year and a half. Im not reconcilling but going to file for divorce. I struggled with the issue long enough.
I know that I am a sinner and not always inline with Gods desires. I really try to be. And when Im the most confused, for some reason it really seems that at those times I actually have more clarity.
We all get so tired of our situations and the pain it causes..It seems there is never a way out of the mess.
I believe there is..there has to be.
I really hope you get the peace and comfort you need..Our faithful father will do that.

 

[DR RekLaw]

If you look in scripture you will find when one is unfaithful you can get a divorce. I don't know if you know what it is but I have border line personality disorder and that is why my wife filled. I do agree with you when you said for better or worse or until death do us part. I was married for 18 years. I feel very guilty for this is not a good reason to me. Sorry to hear it. Life really stinks sometimes.

 

[5kidsdad]

I have been married 15 years, with 5 kids involved. This is not my first separation from my wife, and she had threatened numerous other times. This time, for sure, she had an affair, or is in one. I am feeling bad, as well, and need His grace and strength every day. There will undoubtedly be no reconciliation. After many threats and infidelity, I have no trust in her. She has no trust in me, due to other circumstances in my life with family and my own actions, which I am truly sorrowful for. There was no infidelity on my part, as I went through it as a child with my own family. I look to Psalm 23 for encouragement. "Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me..." I also like the one in Deuteronomy that states, "Be strong, and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them, for the Lord thy God, He it is that doth go with thee, He will not fail thee, nor forsake thee." Hope this helps.

God bless,

5kidsdad

 

[Autumnleaf]

There is no shortage of good men and women out there. So long as you evaluate them based on how they act you will not be disappointed. However, doing this right takes time. Take it slow and relax. There is no rush. God is everywhere so he is always with you. In your heart and mind.

 

[ido]

I don't even believe I'm doing this, writing in this thread I mean. It's not like I don't know the answer but it still hurts so bad.

My husband and I have been married for 5 years but seperated since December. I found out in September that he was cheating for the last 2 and a half years. I put him out and then asked him to come back like 2 months later and he said no. He is very content being out there and has been disgusting to me and very mean and hateful like It was ME who was caught cheating. He doesn't visit our son consistently and I am so hurt because through it all, I still loved him. To top it off, I was served tonight at home with divorce papers stating it was domestic relations whatever the heck that means. Why am I hurt? I am hurt because when I got married, I was holy ghost filled, I vowed till death do us part and I stood by my husband through SO MANY things to have him cheat on me, betray me and now to now just throw it away with a piece of paper. I still Love God and I know he doesn't make mistakes and all things come to those who love Him but I am like in my heart saying, why? When you try to do the right thing and it doesn't come to pass, what is the point? How do I ever trust a man again? I have met a few men through these months, good men, but I didn't pursue it because I was still married and I still loved my husband and I am like, I can't believe anything any of these men are saying to me. I need you saints...give me a song, a scripture, something....God knows, I need his comforting arms right now.

Jeremiah 29:11 was my rock that I clung to during the most difficult times of my divorce. It is pretty much my life verse now. I hope it brings you the strength, comfort, and perseverence it brought me.

11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

verses 12 and 13 are good, too.

12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

 

[leadinglady311]

Thank you all sooo much. Isn't it a blessing to have a place to not only be able to be honest but to also get good counsel. I know the secular sites would advise me to go do something vindictive....(lol). That isn't in my heart. Through it all, I still pray for his salvation and that God really touches his heart because he stills has to be a father to my son.

Thank you all for the wonderful scriptures, they were on point, I'm about to go and add them to my prayer journal.

It is important during these times to harden not our hearts and be able to receive love in the future. I still don't want a divorce and I don't know what God has in store, but I don't want to be with a man I don't trust either. God has the last say over all of this and everything yet to come. Thanks again for the encouragement.

 

[ido]

It sounds like you have the right attitude about your situation. It is extremely difficult to do the right thing sometimes, especially when the other side isn't making choices that are in the best interest of the child(ren). It's good that you are praying over your estranged husband. It can be one of the most difficult things to do, but can release us of so much frustration and negative energy.

One thing that really helped me, too, was to subscribe to the daily e-devotional that DivorceCare offers (www.divorcecare.org). Some days, the devotions were so dead-on for what I was needing to hear it was scary! lol

 

[leadinglady311]

I will book mark it right now flnativegrl, thank you so much.

 

[leadinglady311]

I had answered this thread the other day but I see it didn't register for some reason, I am sorry. Thank you so much again, and I also went to the divorcecare and bookmarked it.....love it...thank you so much.

 

[5kidsdad]

I am joining a divorcecare group where I live, and can't wait. I think it will help a great deal, especially with the whole affair and all. They also have daily devotional emails that you can get every day. They help a lot as well. Just some ideas for encouragement. We are all there, or been there.

God keep His hand and peace on us all,

5kidsdad

 

[ido]

I'm glad it looks like something you might benefit from, leadinglady. My continued prayers are with you.

 

[Shown Much Mercy]

You all are a real blessing! I too understand your pain. After forgiving my wife for an affair and healing, I learned of another ongoing affair worst than the first years prior. Unfortunately, I am deployed and found out just prior to leaving. The pain is unreal. My wife was repentant but I still think about it everyday. I believe that time does make it a bit easier to cope. It truly is a day by day or maybe even minute by minute prosess. It has been over a year for me and it still hurts worse than I thought it would at this point. God Bless you!

 

[DZoolander]

The kind of stuff that helps me with stuff like that is this...

God has nothing to do with it. There's no karmic instrument in place that ensures that if we behave properly - good things will come to us in turn. God can change the hearts of men - but God does not do it proactively. We - and our partners - are free to be as big of jerks as we want to be - and God will not intercede.

Your relationships *are* at the whim of those you choose - and they will be as blissful as your partner wants them to be. In the best of all scenarios - you'll have a partner that loves you and cherishes you. In the worst of all scenarios - you'll have a partner that makes you miserable. It can be either - and there's no divine providence involved. You do not earn these things - and your happiness is not a reward bequeathed upon you for the quality of your actions.

It's the luck of the draw.

Be thankful that you have been good, and righteous, in your marriage and life. That's your reward. Nothing else plays into it. Continue being good, and righteous, and boot him to the curb. Find someone that loves you as you want to be loved. It ain't going to be with him - because he doesn't want it to be.

 

[leadinglady311]

Wow Shown much mercy, I understand what you are saying oh so clearly. It's almost like when and if we forgive them it's almost like giving them a pass to be able to do it again.

I understand you also EZ and it is so unfortunate because how do you truly love again knowing that this person has the right to break your heart?

I know that people say, pray to God and he will bring the person to you and I believed he did with my husband. We both got filled with the Holy Ghost the week before our wedding. We went to church as a family, we prayed as a family. We still believe it or not go to the same church and we praise God in the same building and don't speak to eachother while we are there. I don't want to break down crying in front of him anymore. I don't want to give him the power over me anymore, I do it in private.

I saw him last night when he brought over clothes for the baby for school. I look at him. I still love him. He doesn't want me. How that hurts. How I ask God even still what happened? You said what you bring together let no man tear apart and yet that is just what happened. I didn't withhold sex. I was home everyday. Yes there were problems but everyone has problems.

I am relying on the court system now because I don't think they should grant the divorce due to we had no counseling after he moved out. I was giving him time to come to his senses and it seems like he is just getting worse. It's becoming easier for him. He says I am vindictive and spiteful. Oh my goodness, any other woman after finding out about multiple affairs and him leaving us on christmas day to be with his mistress would of tried to cut his throat and distroy him. He's mad because I told people. What did he want me to say, oh we just aren't together? Is he crazy?

I'm sorry group, I just had to vent. I am still trusting God and I believe it will work out, the papers haven't been signed. In the name of Jesus, please God, manifest yourself and do something miraculous here. I don't know if I'm coming or going sometimes.

 

[bliz]

You're fine, and you're allowed to vent. Venting is a pretty safe way to let go of some of the anger and resentment, so have at it!

God gives us all freewill, and you husband has chosen to exercise it in ways that are hurtful to you and not at all pleasing to God. You didn't necessarily get it wrong- about his being the guy for you.

3 small suggestions...

You might want to get some counseling for yourself to provide you with a safe place to talk things through.

You might want to consider attending a different church for the time being. His being there is an added distraction you don't need at this time.

Put plans and thoughts for the future for the time being. You don't have to figure it all out or be ready for a new man any day now. You will need to do some major healing first, and right now you still have many fresh wounds.

 

[leadinglady311]

Thank you bliz, yes, I do need counseling that is without a doubt. I am not sure about a new church though because I am deeply rooted in this church as are my children and it is helping then to still have their friends there, their ministries. They sing, they dance, they met the Lord there and it is good for them. I am actually doing well on the other front. I got a job, the first one in 6 years. I start next week. Things are well in that forum thank God. I will be better once the kids start school next week and a new schedule is created, then I can set something up for the mornings being that I will be working afternoons and evenings. Thank you so much.

 

[DZoolander]

I understand you also EZ and it is so unfortunate because how do you truly love again knowing that this person has the right to break your heart?

I guess the way I look at it is this...(having been through a divorce myself some time ago)...

I did not pray to God to bring me someone good...because when I think God had anything to do with it - then I start thinking there's some sort of guarantee that things are going to work out. Life has shown there is no guarantee.

God isn't going to trump someone's right to be a jerk...nor is God going to trump my right to make a bad decision or an ill-informed decision. That lies with me. So - it's incumbent upon me to do my best to find someone (by my standards and assessment) will be a good, true and faithful wife.

If I'm wrong - to err is human. Work on it as best as can be done - but if the effort is not coming from both sides - don't beat a dead horse. Anything can be overcome if both sides are sincerely working together. However - if it's unilateral - and I'm the only one working - that's not a marriage. It's not going to succeed - and it's best to walk away.

...and try again...with lessons learned.

There are no guarantees. How do you love in light of that? There are no guarantees that you won't get into a fatal car accident tomorrow when you leave the house...however you do it...out of necessity and with the faith that despite the risks - you will prevail and it will be worth it. Same with love and trust.

Part of what makes love and trust (in my humble opinion) so special is that it comes with such a risk. You can be betrayed. You can be hurt. When that other person does not do it only makes it all the more meaningful and special.