confused man

[akkol]

Some news, in May after last post, she went to her parents and I was to have the required peace of mind for my brain retraining process to become able to live without so many health issues and stress. It was amazing.

I got to visit first time in years my parents' home, I got to visit our summer cottage after years, I started to feel so much better, I even found my guitar and was able to start playing and singing, so my problems with sound and mold and chemical sensitivities got much improved in just under 2 weeks. And I was feeling much more positive with new energy! Made nice decoration at home, with flowers, and I started to create positive emotions about my wife and have her photos near my work table, all seemed to go finally to good direction. Really amazing what a change it was.

Since it had been hard together and I felt she wanted some peace too, I didn't want to disturb her..just posted about my positive results publicly in my Facebook, to give her a chance to see the progress and have faith, her father too followed this. But after 2 weeks I contacted her and asked how she is, does she have money enough etc..and then she got upset about something and told me she will divorce me in horrible ways. Very seriously. Told me when the official letter will arrive, that she will not meet me anymore and this had been decided already when she left, and asked to get out of her life completely, sick man. And just asked me to send her money.

I was in shock after I had tried so hard and all seemed to finally get better and now it is divorce and not just that but complete hatred in her words. From then my May changed to trying to process the news, continuing this program for my health was halted and I just fell for some sadness feelings. In June she finally said she wants to come, and I said ok but I am not ready as I was just going trough the divorce trauma this time, and that we would have the same result again unless I will do it. but some time together can help if she comes to visit and then I will have july to get better.

She agreed and arrived, lots of fighting again and I became very feeling bad after all shouting to my ears. lost again ability to play music, or do normal things. Then when I said her after 2 weeks if she would go to parents now as in the end of June starts community training for this retraining program and I felt it is very important opportunity to change this my health problems finally, and that I need peace to do it. She went to parents, and I got to the group training and it was amazing.

I got friends who are doing the same and supporting each other, many who had just in 3 months overcome similar and even worse health problems of years. I told about this wonderful meeting and process to my wife in a message and thanked her for her support. But no answer. Then I see that she had removed and blocked me in Facebook. Her father had deleted me in Facebook. I had been blocked contact completely. I was shocked..all my concentration disappeared and I was again just thinking what to do, why it is done like this, what can I do. I sold all what I could to get money to travel there, (she was in her native country) and bought her expensive gifts..and went By surprise to her door and we had a nice time together for 2 days before I returned.

But at home I felt it again in her message behaviour that something was seriously wrong. I was again unable to do the program as I felt so big stress of the marriage being in danger. Then after 3 weeks she arrived and fighting continued, and I am as sick as I was, and it is again amazingly hard..haven't slept in a week more than a couple of hours or zero hours per night.

She told me that they removed me from fb and stopped answering because they had decided already to divorce me and my panic arrival is to thank that she didn't divorce already. But now she again tells me she will divorce me because she cannot live with a sick man.basically every day. I still keep asking if she could support me just By not threatening me daily as all other guys on group are getting better and I want to do that too, to be able to live and work and be a good husband.

But she keeps telling me that she doesn't have to support me, that it is not interesting for her and why she should help me. I am not asking anything else, just to stop fighting for things I cannot change and stop threatening me all the time with something that I told hurts me most. But she is just insisting she can do that and hurt me, because I didn't tell her before marriage that I can have such problems in the future. That if I told her she would support but now she doesn't want. It seems I cannot do anything.

today she told me she has never forgiven me. That all marriage she has treated me this way because she is angry to me that to me became some problems which I had had earlier in life and she didn't know about this. that she is angry. that she feels hate. And I feel I cannot do anything anymore about this. over 2 years I have been in this position. I have tried to apologize this, doesn't help. I have tried to explain her from my heart how I thought and felt at the time so she could understand there was no intention to do wrong, but she doesn't care. I tried to ask for open talking with professional to help us move forward but she just tells she doesn't want because she is completely healthy and all problems are because of me so she will not come to therapy. I just keep hearing daily in all different ways how wrong man I am, and it is destroying my confidence. I have given her basically always what I had in money when she asked for something,and other times just gifts. But she doesn't seem to have any respect, just complains how I am stupid and how her friends have more rich husbands. I bought her always plane tickets everywhere, given gifts, paying all and not expecting anything in return. But as I finally got something nice for myself, less expenive than her gifts, she just keeps telling me remarks how stupid I am to spend money for something.

Part of the retraining health program is to try to do things that make you feel good again and out of negative emotions. But if I tell her something positive how I had a good day, that I got to do again sports and felt happy finally..she just became angry to hear I had been enjoying day swimming. Only told that "man of 37 years should not enjoy life, you must only work hard and buy real estate"..it is often the same, anything nice in life is stupid and she doesn't care about the things that I am not able to work when I am sick and she is herself not bringing anything to family except preventing me to get better..even

And one main thing for her is that she complains that I am not a Christian person, and for her it is so important. How she feels it is so important to follow rules from the Bible but she thinks I don't do so because I had many girlfriends before her or don't always go to church.

All in all I don't know what to do when it is obvious that someone hates me all the time, threatens me daily about leaving me, instead of any wish to make things better just to go. I guess I am stuck in this situation and it is part of my illness to take things so seriously but same time it feels difficult to move past this and even if we know there is a method to get myself better but it just doesn't seem to work with the divorce shock happening every day

 

[Clone_25]

Reading your posts make me see how heart broken you are and we (me and my husband) do pity your situation.

May I suggest, that perhaps this is the right time for you to divorce her. You've been through a lot and from what I can see you have done everything you can. You said it yourself that she doesn't respect you and your request, doesn't even support you despite all the good things you have done for her. She's an ingrate. It's not a reason for her not to support you just because you are sick and you didn't tell her about your condition before you got married. She's manipulating you and you can clearly see that, but for some reason you are holding on that hope that she'll be there for you which seemed to me as your death wish for your health because she clearly didn't change her character, but instead became worst. You maybe love her so much, but what at point? To the point of your death? Do you really deserve death for such thing? Death without even enjoying the joy of married life? It looks like you really want to live with your promise of "till death do us part." She's killing you little by little. I am not being sarcastic here, but just showing you the reality that you are trying to ignore.

In addition, you said it yourself that you are the only one working and yet all she does is nag you on how rich her friends' husbands are. She has a very high standard of living who came from a poorer country. High expectations which were met with disappointments were her only reasons for being so bitter.

My friend, you can update us all you want, but if you don't act fast and decisively in your part for your health, you might not live or reach your mid 40's. We can sympathize alright and give you advices, but that's all we can do. As you have said it yourself, you've given her gifts and all, but nothing good returned to you. You are being a martyr. I know we should love our enemies and do good to those people who persecute us as Jesus said, but look at the context. People who are being persecuted were not putting themselves at the mercies of their enemies instead they do flee to another country as JESUS also commanded. I know I am using these Bible verses out of the context, but a good analogy though.

Please, do something for yourself. Divorce or long separation (perhaps a year or two) with her will probably solve your health problems based on your experience. If you don't really want to divorce her, then just separate from each other for now and lay out a plan or contract for basis of being together again. You can't just accept her back without her realizing the bad things and damages she did to you. Yes, you love her, but for the sake of your marriage which you really wanna work out, please do yourself a favor. Don't accept her back if she wants to return to you before the end of the said separation period, without seeing results.

 

[DZoolander]

Good Lord this is the most tiresome thing I have ever read.

Your health and happiness should not be contingent upon what may or may not happen with someone else. If you indeed are sick, and indeed want to get better, you should be doing that regardless of what may or may not happen with this woman. To put the onus of you getting better on whether or not she stays with you is a form of blackmail (if she cares anything for you).

At first I started reading this thread like it was something new, but then I saw a contributor on here that I haven't seen around for a while, so I started looking at the dates of the posts. This thing has quite the shelf life...and my observation stands. It sounds like your ups and downs are tied to her and how she reacts to you.

...and the truth is - you haven't been together all that long.

If you actually do read this at some point, I hope you've progressed. If you haven't progressed and you're still mulling around tying your health to how she treats you, knock it off. Do things for yourself. Maybe you'll find that if you do that - you won't be facing these other types of problems that you're facing.

 

[Clone_25]

I agree with DZoolander

 

[akkol]

thank you for the replies. Situation is a little bit different now. We are not living together. We met with a priest at home in sept/oct, he was also really concerned of the situation being damaging and fatally dangerous for me and supported the idea for a separation to get some sleep and rest from stress.

She didn't like the idea, and said she won't come back if I ask her to go. All our tries to explain it is about making things better, were met with same reply: It's the end if you ask this, she should not change anything, it's my fault.

Well, nothing I could do else and arranged a nice apartment for her, but of course the stress didn't go away, as I continued being worried and feeling guilt. One day maybe 1.5 months separated, she called late in the evening asking to come for the night. I just could not that moment do it, situation at apartment being not ready and very early morning to finally go to health training and I knew it is crucial for me to get better and disagreed. She got mad and told me she was ready to return to me but now she can never trust me anymore and it's divorce.

Practically after that I have not talked with her, she cut contacts. I tried to write her letters, apologizing for all, helping her, gave her big amount of money, proposed Christmas together but still she would not even say a word. One day I bumped into her at the airport and she was leaving the country. Then she said thanks for the money, and nearly laughed at my ring telling me she has been single for months, and I should find a new girl. And how she has seen I'm not healthy so she is not interested in me. And left and no contact after that.

I start to feel better in a way that I realize finally that I've done enough. All this time I'vebeen plagued by guilt but I tried to do all I could, give all and more than I had, and still didn't receive any respect or care. Somehow this freed myself emotionally now.

Last 2 weeks I've been finally able to live without worrying about this. first time in 3 years.First time my chest pain has gone away in nearly a year. I slept over 10 hours one night I've been smiling. I feel much happier now.

 

[DZoolander]

Good. Good riddance.

Stick to it.

 

[HondaMan]

I would like to suggest you both attend a Weekend to Remember event by Family Life.