- May 21, 2018
- 6
- 2
- 26
- Country
- Australia
- Gender
- Male
- Faith
- Christian
- Marital Status
- Single
Hey guys. For some context to start, I like a girl from my church - we started 'hanging out' about 6 weeks ago to see if we wanted to enter a dating relationship with each other. It seemed to be going so well, but 2 weeks ago she abruptly tells me she can only "see me as a friend". Initially I was so taken aback but didn't feel that hurt because life was so busy and I had so many things preoccupying my mind but it's been slowly wrecking me on the inside for the past two weeks. I don't know who'll read this or give me advice but at the very least it's nice to just write out my thoughts to myself...thoughts and Godly wisdom would be appreciated though.
So, this is how it goes. A lot has happened but I'll try to stick to what is important.
I liked this girl for over a year (and still do). We started flirting, and 6 weeks ago I had the courage to ask her, "are we just friends"? I admitted I liked her but wasn't sure if I wanted a relationship in my life because of how hectic and busy life is but nevertheless, I wanted to be with her. She confessed she had been thinking about it too and is glad I brought it up, but still was 'unsure' of how she felt and needed more time. She also said she's not sure because she feels like I'm "so much of a 'better' Christian [than her], even though there's no such thing". I said I wanted to lead her in her faith. But for then, we agreed to just hang out more and see what happened.
In my excitement, I started planning things and we'd see each other regularly. I asked her to read the bible with me once a week during our break at uni, and we did so every week. I wanted to see what her faith was like because I figured since we weren't dating yet, the best I could do was to build a stronger friendship, seeing her as a 'sister in Christ'. I grew to want to lead her even more, learning not only her struggles but her humility in knowing she wanted to be a 'better Christian'. We saw a movie together, went on a walk and watched the sunset, studied together, hung out at her house and played with her pets - I was really pleased with how everything was going. But the whole time I was forcing myself not to be physically intimate, even though we're both people that like that kind of thing - since I wanted to build a deeper foundation and friendship before starting a serious relationship.
Two weeks after we started seeing each other, she tells me, "I like you. You're everything I've ever wanted in a guy and I've never had a guy that just cares for me so much. You're the first guy that's actually just talked to me about this and not just wanted to hook up with me or anything. But I don't know if I feel a romantic attraction to you". And at the time, I didn't think much of that last statement. I was thrilled she said I was everything she ever wanted in a guy. But I told her "I understand you don't feel any feelings of romance. But for me, that isn't a priority". My priority was to just to get to know her more. We also had a cute moment saying we both feel that rush of excitement every time we got a message from each other.
So the bible studies and 'hang-outs' continued. Another two weeks passed and she suddenly tells me that she really can't see me in a romantic way and is "certain" she can only see me as a friend, but "knows she should like me and wishes she liked me" in that way. I was gutted but quickly came to terms with it because I wanted to respect her thoughts and feelings. I messaged her later saying I had "no hard feelings" and I still wanted a healthy friendship. She replied saying "I'm honestly so lucky to have you in my life. You're so easy to hang out with and I'm so keen for that to continue. I wasn't kidding when I said you make me want to be a better Christian and a better person. Doesn't God work in amazing ways". However since then, it's been two weeks and we've only seen each other at church. Unfortunately it's just been pretty awkward because it's weird to know how to adjust and we haven't talked since. I've also been hurting a lot but have had several thoughts:
I don't want to lose my feelings for her. She means so much to me and is everything I've ever wanted in a girl too. But I know I should distance myself from her and respect her friendship. Even though we both 'agreed' to be friends, I don't see how I could hang out one-on-one with her again without having in the back of my mind, "man...you're amazing and I wish we were dating". Would it be wise to ask her to hang out again one-on-one? It's a blurry line between hanging out as "just friends" and hanging out because I want to pursue her again and still like her.
The last few times we hung out, during that period she was on my mind SO often to the point that retrospectively I think I may have placed the idea of being in a relationship with her above growing in my relationship with God at times. But despite thinking of her so often, when I'd see her in person I'd treat her just as a friend and almost feel indifferent about it, taking her for granted and asking myself "is this really worth it, I hope it works out" and constantly worrying that it wouldn't work out. But I know although at times I wasn't feeling it, feelings come and go. What I knew for sure was that she means a lot to me and I wanted to be there for her and do life with her. I'm not sure if she can say the same though - differentiating between what she feels and what she knows...e.g. does she just not 'feel' romantically attracted right now but 'know' I am the guy for her, as she said before?
Not going to lie and say I didn't feel bitter either for a bit...thinking things like 'how can you say I was everything you ever wanted and just pass me by', but that's my pride talking. For now I guess there's nothing I can do but to accept we're just friends. But I do want to chat about what she thinks of our 'friendship' when the time feels right. Maybe God's giving us time to mature more as individuals & as Christians before being in a serious relationship. I really do hope we end up together and know I have to be patient to let time tell...but there is still a nagging feeling of worrying that I've passed the opportunity of a lifetime & the girl of my dreams by.
Thanks for reading if you've made it this far.
So, this is how it goes. A lot has happened but I'll try to stick to what is important.
I liked this girl for over a year (and still do). We started flirting, and 6 weeks ago I had the courage to ask her, "are we just friends"? I admitted I liked her but wasn't sure if I wanted a relationship in my life because of how hectic and busy life is but nevertheless, I wanted to be with her. She confessed she had been thinking about it too and is glad I brought it up, but still was 'unsure' of how she felt and needed more time. She also said she's not sure because she feels like I'm "so much of a 'better' Christian [than her], even though there's no such thing". I said I wanted to lead her in her faith. But for then, we agreed to just hang out more and see what happened.
In my excitement, I started planning things and we'd see each other regularly. I asked her to read the bible with me once a week during our break at uni, and we did so every week. I wanted to see what her faith was like because I figured since we weren't dating yet, the best I could do was to build a stronger friendship, seeing her as a 'sister in Christ'. I grew to want to lead her even more, learning not only her struggles but her humility in knowing she wanted to be a 'better Christian'. We saw a movie together, went on a walk and watched the sunset, studied together, hung out at her house and played with her pets - I was really pleased with how everything was going. But the whole time I was forcing myself not to be physically intimate, even though we're both people that like that kind of thing - since I wanted to build a deeper foundation and friendship before starting a serious relationship.
Two weeks after we started seeing each other, she tells me, "I like you. You're everything I've ever wanted in a guy and I've never had a guy that just cares for me so much. You're the first guy that's actually just talked to me about this and not just wanted to hook up with me or anything. But I don't know if I feel a romantic attraction to you". And at the time, I didn't think much of that last statement. I was thrilled she said I was everything she ever wanted in a guy. But I told her "I understand you don't feel any feelings of romance. But for me, that isn't a priority". My priority was to just to get to know her more. We also had a cute moment saying we both feel that rush of excitement every time we got a message from each other.
So the bible studies and 'hang-outs' continued. Another two weeks passed and she suddenly tells me that she really can't see me in a romantic way and is "certain" she can only see me as a friend, but "knows she should like me and wishes she liked me" in that way. I was gutted but quickly came to terms with it because I wanted to respect her thoughts and feelings. I messaged her later saying I had "no hard feelings" and I still wanted a healthy friendship. She replied saying "I'm honestly so lucky to have you in my life. You're so easy to hang out with and I'm so keen for that to continue. I wasn't kidding when I said you make me want to be a better Christian and a better person. Doesn't God work in amazing ways". However since then, it's been two weeks and we've only seen each other at church. Unfortunately it's just been pretty awkward because it's weird to know how to adjust and we haven't talked since. I've also been hurting a lot but have had several thoughts:
I don't want to lose my feelings for her. She means so much to me and is everything I've ever wanted in a girl too. But I know I should distance myself from her and respect her friendship. Even though we both 'agreed' to be friends, I don't see how I could hang out one-on-one with her again without having in the back of my mind, "man...you're amazing and I wish we were dating". Would it be wise to ask her to hang out again one-on-one? It's a blurry line between hanging out as "just friends" and hanging out because I want to pursue her again and still like her.
The last few times we hung out, during that period she was on my mind SO often to the point that retrospectively I think I may have placed the idea of being in a relationship with her above growing in my relationship with God at times. But despite thinking of her so often, when I'd see her in person I'd treat her just as a friend and almost feel indifferent about it, taking her for granted and asking myself "is this really worth it, I hope it works out" and constantly worrying that it wouldn't work out. But I know although at times I wasn't feeling it, feelings come and go. What I knew for sure was that she means a lot to me and I wanted to be there for her and do life with her. I'm not sure if she can say the same though - differentiating between what she feels and what she knows...e.g. does she just not 'feel' romantically attracted right now but 'know' I am the guy for her, as she said before?
Not going to lie and say I didn't feel bitter either for a bit...thinking things like 'how can you say I was everything you ever wanted and just pass me by', but that's my pride talking. For now I guess there's nothing I can do but to accept we're just friends. But I do want to chat about what she thinks of our 'friendship' when the time feels right. Maybe God's giving us time to mature more as individuals & as Christians before being in a serious relationship. I really do hope we end up together and know I have to be patient to let time tell...but there is still a nagging feeling of worrying that I've passed the opportunity of a lifetime & the girl of my dreams by.
Thanks for reading if you've made it this far.
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