Confused - can anyone help please?!

[Sonnenuntergang]

Hello all!

I'm not entirely sure what I'm allowed/ not allowed to write on here...but here goes...

Basically, I'm 17 and I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year now and from the start we've taken physical things what I think was too fast. We haven't gone the whole way, but yeah you get the gist.

I feel really tempted to take it the whole way because he's very liberal about it and believes that it would be ok, because we are very sure that we are going to marry and spend the rest of our lives together and I love him with all my heart and I believe that I always will. He also says that the Bible says don't commit adultery, but nothing about waiting until after marriage, but I guess that comes down to how you interpret it, which I personally am unsure of. He says he isn't going to push me into anything, and he's only happy to do anything if I'm completely and entirely sure with it.

However, I think I'm too young to be thinking about this yet and I really want to wait until we are married because of various reasons such as risks of pregnancy (it may be unlikely, but even with contraception it is possible). Also, I've seen many relationships die just because the couples took this too quickly and I really don't want to risk losing him because of this.

We barely ever fight, but sometimes this causes one or both of us to be upset or causes a fight. We've talked about it frequently and agreed that it's best not to do what we already do too often; perhaps once a month. We are both finding this very difficult and in the end, we just carry on doing it too much. At first, I felt fine about it, but now, when we do it too often, I feel that we are abusing God's gift.

I think this is turning into an addiction and I'm begging for Bible verses, general advice, different opinions (and reasons) and people who know what I'm going through or anything else to help.

Thanks. God bless you.

 

[CrystalBrooke]

I hate to bring your age into this, but you're 17..17. You have may end up with this guy in marriage, you may not, you really don't know. You'll change so much from now til you turn 20, you really don't want to make this kind of decision right now. Just because he thinks it's ok doesn't mean that it neccesarily is. How do you feel about it? If you don't want to (and I REALLY don't think you should) then don't let him make you feel bad about it or pressure you into it. You're just so so young and there's more to think about than pregnancy, the emotional baggage that you could be left with if you have sex with him would be heartbreaking. You're just entirely too young, trust me, I had sex when I was younger than you...it's not worth it. Just wait, it won't kill you, or him

 

[The Nihilist]

Look, you're not going to get married. It's just not the way things work at 17. I thought I was going to marry the girl I was dating at 14, and 17, and 22, and 25. If that's going to be your justification for sex, get a better one.
There are plenty of bible verses condemning sexual impurity and praising sexual purity, but a lot of the time they're not particularly well defined, or there are issues with the translations. Besides that, there's absolutely not a verse on premarital sex that a clever young woman like yourself couldn't rationalize her way out of. So, truth be told, even for a christian, I wouldn't hang my hat on the bible for this if I were you.
The fact of the matter is that, no matter how mature you feel, your brain is still developing, and will be until your early twenties. It's for this reasons that teenagers tend to make rash and imprudent decisions. The very best advice I can give you is to wait until you're better able to make these decisions, because if you make the wrong one, this could very well change the rest of your life.

 

[Windmill]

Do what you believe to be right.

 

[Melethiel]

I'll agree with The Nihilist on this. I'm not putting you down based on your age (I'm sure you're quite mature), but I know that I am certainly not the same person at 20 that I was at 17. Until you're actually married, you have to go along with the knowledge that the person you're currently with may not be the person you end up marrying. If you have sex with him now, do you really want the emotional baggage that goes along with it?

 

[Slider1]

I am all for 17 yr olds "going all the way". After marriage.
There are many verses in the bible against fornication as well as adultery, all of which have been talked their way out of by passionate youth who regretted it later. I can't make your decisions for you, but i would STRONGLY encourage you to either reverse your physical relationship to the point where you can more easily 'wait till marriage' OR get married immediately. Yep. Get counseling, take a premarital course, and get married.
If you're "not that serious", maybe you should consider reversing your physical relationship to a point where you can take things a little slower.

 

[Luther073082]

Besides the fact that having sex before marriage. (it does not say before you decide to get married or when you are engaged) is condemned by the scriptures. I also agree with people in that at 17 you are unlikely to know who you are going to marry. You don't know who you are going to marry until you actually marry them.

If I had a dime for every man or woman who was so sure they where going to marry so and so and then something happenedand they didn't get married. I'd be a pretty rich man.

I'm going to give you a lot of reasons not to have sex.

Biblical/Spiritual
1. God tells you not to. Jesus said that lusting after someone you arn't married to is equivilant to adultry. So if its wrong to lust after someone you arn't married to, how is it you figure its ok to have sex with them. Its not.

2. Every time you see in the NT the words "sexual immorality" or "fornication" (depending on your translation) the greek word that is being translated is "pornea". Pornea means pre-marital sex, adultry, beastiality, incest, and homosexuality. I'm pretty sure you could find in your bible a lot of things that say "don't do this"

3. Even if you ignore the above two, you will find no instance where 2 unmarried people having sex is condoned in the bible. In fact if you read Paul's letters he associates sex with marriage. Its clear that marriage, (not engagement, not thinking you are going to get married, not dating pretty seriously) but MARRIAGE is the only acceptable state to have sexual relations.

Emotional
1. Are you prepared to handle it if you have sex with this man and he breaks up with you?
2. Are you prepared for him to go and tell everyone what he did with you?

Practical
1. Are you prepared for the possibility of getting an STD.
2. What are you going to do if you get pregnant?

Birth control and condomns work the vast majority of the time when used correctly. That much is true.

But

1. One mistake in their usage can make them completly ineffective.
2. Even when used correctly they are still not 100% effective. Only 99.9% That means it will fail 1 out of every 1000 times. Are you ready to be that 1 in a 1000

Maturity.
1. I'm sorry if I had a dollar for every 17 year old that said they where going to marry someone and then ended up breaking up. I'd be pretty rich. Its a sign of immaturity to say. . . oh this may be true with 95% of the people but there is no way its going to happen to me.

There is no shame in recognizing for yourself that you have very little real life experience. Especially in terms of making adult decisions. But you want to with no life experience go off and make one of the most adult decisions there is? One that can't be undone, and can be infinatly damaging if it turns out to be a bad one.

Think with your head and not your hormones.

 

[Windmill]

Practical wise, having sex with someone who is not sexually active and has been tested for STD's is fine. Its the potential moral and immaturity issues.

 

[The Nihilist]

Practical wise, having sex with someone who is not sexually active and has been tested for STD's is fine.

Yeah, until someone slips one past the goalie. Fine is not the word for that.

 

[ChaplainWoody]

Question: "What does the Bible say about sex before marriage / premarital sex?"
Answer: There is no Hebrew or Greek word used in the Bible that precisely refers to sex before marriage. The Bible undeniably condemns adultery and sexual immorality, but is sex before marriage considered sexually immoral? According to 1 Corinthians 7:2, “yes” is the clear answer: “But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband.” In this verse, Paul states that marriage is the “cure” for sexual immorality. First Corinthians 7:2 is essentially saying that, because people cannot control themselves and so many are having immoral sex outside of marriage, people should get married. Then they can fulfill their passions in a moral way.
Since 1 Corinthians 7:2 clearly includes sex before marriage in the definition of sexual immorality, all of the Bible verses that condemn sexual immorality as being sinful also condemn sex before marriage as sinful. Sex before marriage is included in the biblical definition of sexual immorality. There are numerous Scriptures that declare sex before marriage to be a sin (Acts 15:20; 1 Corinthians 5:1; 6:13, 18; 10:8; 2 Corinthians 12:21; Galatians 5:19; Ephesians 5:3; Colossians 3:5; 1 Thessalonians 4:3; Jude 7). The Bible promotes complete abstinence before marriage. Sex between a husband and his wife is the only form of sexual relations of which God approves (Hebrews 13:4).
Sex within marriage is pleasurable, and God designed it that way. God wants men and women to enjoy sexual activity within the confines of marriage. Song of Solomon and several other Bible passages (such as Proverbs 5:19) clearly describe the pleasure of sex. Abstinence is God’s only policy when it comes to sex before marriage. Abstinence saves lives, protects babies, gives sexual relations the proper value, and, most importantly, honors God.

Recommended Resource: Why True Love Waits by Josh McDowell.
Men - Every Young Man's Battle : Strategies for Victory in the Real World of Sexual Temptation by Stephen Arterburn.
Women - Every Young Woman's Battle: Guarding Your Mind, Heart, and Body in a Sex-Saturated World by Shannon Ethridge.

Chaplain Woody Woodruff

 

[katautumn]

because we are very sure that we are going to marry and spend the rest of our lives together

I speak from personal experience when I say that you can't be sure of this until the day you are actually, legally married. I've had plenty of guys claim they wanted to spend the rest of their life with me, and I believed I wanted the same thing, only to get me to sleep with them.

Obviously this is something you're not comfortable with for a reason. Stick to your convictions. Don't try and justify it if it's not something you feel uncomfortable with.

 

[gzt]

So what's actually "confusing" here?

 

[The Nihilist]

So what's actually "confusing" here?

Were you ever actually a teenager, or did you just spring fully formed from the head of the god of not having fun?*


Anyway, what's confusing is that your god fills kids up with hormones, makes them deal with it for years, makes sex completely awesome, and then yells at you if you have it. Or you can just jump into a dumb marriage way too young, that'll work too, but if you do that, boy howdy, you better get it right, because Jesus says you can't get divorced. That's what's confusing.


*This is actually how my exgirlfriend was born

 

[Windmill]

Yeah, until someone slips one past the goalie. Fine is not the word for that.

Well birth control and condoms I'll also include

 

[gzt]

Were you ever actually a teenager, or did you just spring fully formed from the head of the god of not having fun?


Anyway, what's confusing is that your god fills kids up with hormones, makes them deal with it for years, makes sex completely awesome, and then yells at you if you have it. Or you can just jump into a dumb marriage way too young, that'll work too, but if you do that, boy howdy, you better get it right, because Jesus says you can't get divorced. That's what's confusing.

That's what you may find confusing, but I was interested in what she thought. I wouldn't call that really confusion, properly speaking, either.

 

[Blank123]

I speak from personal experience when I say that you can't be sure of this until the day you are actually, legally married. I've had plenty of guys claim they wanted to spend the rest of their life with me, and I believed I wanted the same thing, only to get me to sleep with them.

Obviously this is something you're not comfortable with for a reason. Stick to your convictions. Don't try and justify it if it's not something you feel uncomfortable with.

i agree with this completely. my ex and i both thought we were going to get married one day. well now we're broken up, so its obvious that sometimes things just don't work out the way you want them to or the way you think they will.

besides if the Bible commends sexual purity, you can't really justify it by having sex outside the context it was designed for. Even if you two do marry one day, sex was created for marriage and marriage alone.

 

[xpunkskaterx]

as some one that had started having sex a lot younger than you are... it really isn't worth it. I wish that I would have waited now, but its too late. Just throwing that out there.

 

[dayhiker]

I'd be against the young couple having sex as with the changes coming with college and starting to make a living (work), things will change so much that its hard to say if the current love will last till they get married.

If they want to work together thru all the transitions coming then get married. Then the sex will be less stressful. Ofcourse there are other stresses.

I do agree with the BF that the Bible says adultery is sin not premerital sex.
dayhiker

 

[katautumn]

Anyway, what's confusing is that your god fills kids up with hormones, makes them deal with it for years, makes sex completely awesome, and then yells at you if you have it.

I dunno, God never yelled at me for having sex as a teenager. I will say this, though - as someone who had lots of sex outside of marriage and has lots of sex inside marriage, married sex is so much better. Heck, adult sex in general is better than teenage sex. Sex isn't "completely awesome" when you're a teenager. It's more of a self-centered release for the guy and a way to make sure the guy doesn't leave for the girl. It's clumsy, embarrassing, confusing, scary (especially when you have an STD or pregnancy scare), turns you into an emotional zombie, you're terrified you'll get caught doing it.

Or you can just jump into a dumb marriage way too young, that'll work too, but if you do that, boy howdy, you better get it right, because Jesus says you can't get divorced. That's what's confusing.

Getting married just to have sex is dumb. I know from experience. That's why I got married at 18. Actually, our pastor issued an ultimatum after finding out we were having sex. Word gets around, ya know. Suffice to say we are not still married. It's either better to wait and not have serious relationships until you're financially, mentally and physically prepared for marriage or make darn sure you aren't worried about being in a loveless marriage at a young age strictly for the sex. I mean, don't get me wrong, not all young marriages fail. The issue isn't so much getting married young, it's getting married for the wrong reasons and that can happen at any age. It's just more likely that the older you are the better choices you will make and not be so subject to rash emotions.

 

[Sunset2009]

Practical wise, having sex with someone who is not sexually active and has been tested for STD's is fine. Its the potential moral and immaturity issues.

Why would someone who is not sexually active, get tested for STDs? I mean, the whole needle thing is kind of non-existant these days... and if you're an AIDS baby, I'm sure you'd figure that out waayyy before you were old enough to start having sex...

I do agree with the BF that the Bible says adultery is sin not premerital sex.
dayhiker

Because the word fornication is never used in the Bible, is it...
weird.
But, oh, yes it is.