Confused and upset **Possible trigger**

[BalletDancer]

I need...help? I don't know. I'm confused and upset. trigger for weight talk...

I've been pretty..."free" with my ED lately. In Europe I tried a couple new foods but still ate my usual "not enough" amount. I did eat more candy than usual because I wouldn't eat the meals they gave me.

*triggery*
I gained a lot more weight than I thought. I actually didn't think I gained much at all. I weighed myself when I got back and I'm at a weight that makes me feel like screaming!!!!!!!!!! I do NOT look like I weigh this much at all. It's way too much!! I promised myself that I wouldn't get this close to a specific weight and I'm totally almost there.

I don't want to be fat. I don't WANT TO!!!! No one seems to understand. I know that I'm gaining because I'm getting more "free" and I haven't been dancing so much at all, but this is so not good. You know how lots of people say that when you recover you're not fat? how in the world is that true?! I've watched countless recovery stories/shows/things and they always get chubby and stuff at the end. I am NOT comfortable ever looking like that. I can't recover..but at the same time, ahhh this isn't working out. I don't mean it in a rude way at all, I'm just so scared of that kind of body for me.

My sister (twin) and I were talking today and she said that on one hand I look like I've lost weight but at the same time, I look less like things are "jutting out" and more "smooth" and not as sick looking. I don't know how to feel about that. My little "sister" Maddie who just turned six told me yesterday that I'm "perfect" and she wants to look like me when she grows up, but who would ever want to look like me?!

On one hand, yeah I am pretty, I know I am and I like thinking that. but also there are SOOO many imperfections on my body and things wrong with it. I know that my body can't ever be perfect but why does it have to be so far from perfect? I hate trying to change what God made

I'm sure He doesn't like it at all. How can I handle this? I'm scared to talk to God about it...to pray to not gain weight. it seems wrong. I just don't know what to do. I feel like I'm being so mean to God and I don't like it at all.

any help? sorry for so much venting....

 

[SiyoNqoba]

Wow, we're in very similar situations. I'm your age, a dancer, and struggle with an eating disorder too

I know it's very hard to be recovering from an eating disorder and finding yourself gaining weight.

Perhaps you need to make a point of praying everyday that God will show you what beautiful is. I can promise you one thing: God did not make a mistake. The way He created you to look is exactly the way He wants you to be, and He thinks you're beautiful. You need to know that deep inside your heart, and the only way to know that is if God teaches you. If you dont think at the moment you can even stand the chance of God developing a new attitude for you, perhaps ask someone else to pray it with/for you every day.

I'll be praying for you.

 

[BalletDancer]

I'm still having trouble, can anyone give me advice?

 

[jjd]

I'm still praying for you! For me it came down to trusting the Lord enough to give it ALL to Him...even if it meant becoming overweight. I'm not overweight at all, although sometimes I feel like it since I'm at a normal weight now. But it's about not doubting Christ's love and power, and realizing that he has you in the palm of His hand and that you don't need to control it. I remember being at the same stage you're at right now: wanting to recover and be free of the thoughts, but still hanging onto what my idea of a perfect body is. And when we get to heaven we'll get new bodies anyway...the ones we have right now are just temporary. You can do it! When you pray, try starting out by praising God for who he is. My problems always seem to dim in comparison to the greatness of God. Love you!

 

[LovesEnduringPromise]

You have to accept yourself to recover. You have to nourish your brain first before any nourishing of the body can occur. You have to remind yourself that you are getting better and thats a good thing. Being healthy doesnt mean your fat. Its a constant word us anorexics put with being fat..is the word healthy. Healthy means your body is the way it should be for you height. It means that you feel and look good. In God's eyes he wants us to be healthy physically, mentally, and spritually. But no doubt he does understand our minds even in the sick times as you are now. You have to understand that anorexia is an illness, it takes time. You dont just recover over night or just because you were in a treatment facility. It takes a lifetime....everyday you have to remind yourself that your going to do this, your going to eat. You have to nourish your mind with positive thoughts, kick out the bad ones, ignore the bad ones. Recognize that the bad negative thoughts are lies and lies that will never be truth. To be healthy you have to think healthy, you have to want your body to function properly. You have to get in the mindset and look in the mirror, face what you see and accept it. You have to put that food in your mouth and know its not the enemy, that it will noursih you. Eat the right foods, exercise if you want, but dont starve yourself any longer trying to be something that isnt pretty, because anorexia isnt pretty.

 

[Jenafer]

I think most of us have things that we would like to change on a physical level.. I remember when I was young that I wanted a super-short hair cut just like Twiggy.. but it didn't suit my round face and I was miserable.

Balance is a good word to work with.. not too heavy and not too thin. Why not try doing some deep slow breaths right down into your tummy when you find yourself upset.. concentrate on the breathing.. this sort of centers you and distracts you from a bad run of thoughts.

A few pounds up or down doesn't make you a worthless person.. the real you inside your body is lovable no matter what.

Smile, Jenafer