Confused and stuck

[proverbswisdom]

I've been going to Christian groups, tried eharmony and christian mingle and even took some classes at a university while praying God would send me a guy to marry and well it's not working. Been doing this for years. Praying since I was very young for my future husband and actively getting myself out there once I was old enough. I don't believe that we should just pray and not do our part so I've done my part to be in places where I can meet guys but it's not happening.

Few guys approach me. Maybe like two a year and so far I have not been into the ones who approach me. I have been into other guys but when I asked them out they declined and said they saw me as only a friend.

The dating sites haven't worked out either. I get asked for one night stands a lot online (and in person too sometimes) even on eharmony which I thought was a more serious-minded site! I guess not. People ask me for one night stands far more often than they ask me out on dates.

I'm almost 28 and have only been on a few dates.

I don't know what's up with this or what to do anymore. I could keep trying the sites and keep going to christian groups but quite frankly since I have given this years and nothing has come of it I really feel like giving up and just isolating. I'm very discouraged about it and need direction.

 

[aiki]

I know how you feel. I didn't marry until I was 39. Not because I wasn't looking, mind you. I went so far as to allow friends to set me up on blind dates, which was a very bad idea. When I was finally content with God alone, not desperate to be married, then it was that I met my wife. I don't think it was coincidence that my wife came on the scene shortly after I had come to the place where I could be genuinely satisfied just with God. Perhaps this is something you might want to consider.

Selah.

 

[Vimi]

Hi proverbswisdom,
The Lord does want you to be happily married but sometimes our time and his time are not the same. Here is what I have been doing, maybe something will stand out to you in a positive way.

I am taking this time of singleness to allow the Lord to heal my heart, renew my mind and thinking all in preparation for my husband and family.

In addition, I have had more potential prospects within this last year than I could have imagined because I decided to work and live in the city as opposed to the suburbs. I believe there are more opportunities for someone to approach me now. I have also downsized my possessions and building my financials.

Maybe focus more of your prayers towards a Godly mission/project/ministry/ opportunity that really moves your heart. I sincerely believe that when you start focusing on what will attribute to a happy long-lasting marriage and family unit, like volunteering and things that will please the Lord, your husband will come in time.

 

[Ark100]

Maybe you need to take a step back and don't focus on a guy for a while.
Also why would almost every guy ask you for a one night stand? Maybe ask yourself that question. On and offline?
WHY?
Are you portraying yourself in a 'kind of way' that suggests to them that its okay to ask you such things?

Also sometimes we have to change our attitude and the way we approach things before we can begin to see some real changes in our lives. In fact a lot of average women find guys faster than pretty women. And those average women even snag the best looking guys as well.

Why that is, one has to ponder on.

Maybe im old fashioned but asking guys out sound a little bit too out there. Most guys like to be the one who ask you out. I mean when they do, at least they have to work for you, and not the other way round. I also think God designed it that way. Not saying women havent been successful in asking men out but in finding a long term partner, I think you have to hold back a little, and prayerfully seek God as well.

Things happen when we least expect. Its like someone who lost their precious gem, and wanted it back so badly that they searched everywhere for it. They were searching, looking, even looking at the wrong places in desperation because they wanted it so badly. They didnt have time to sit down, ponder and think on why, what and where.

Then when they were unsuccessful, they retired and decided to rest for a little while and focus on other things, they didnt give up, but they just decided to not search so frantically for it anymore.

Then when they stopped searching, and actually focused on other things, the inkling came to them and the gem was just right there beside them somewhere close.

Stop looking so hard. Pray to God instead and stop worrying about your age and trying to do things on you own.

 

[Quasicentennial]

One likely possibility why your partners are short-lived is the fear of injuring your feelings permanently if they discovered something imperfect about you: it could be some body imperfection such as a wart, it could be your negative feelings towards how your partner should touch you, it could be that 'all it takes is one criticism and the relationship is over' kind of phobia - no matter how small that criticism might be because that criticism could linger invisibly in your memories and somehow put a bombshell on some other future incident or important event in your personal life. Understanding what your partner is thinking through body language can take some time to learn and understand - where the truth is never heard but signs of odd-moving body movements, such as facial expressions that express disgust or cluelessness can make you realize why honesty is an attitude that's thrown out the window - repeatedly .;*;.

 

[CGL1023]

I've been going to Christian groups, tried eharmony and christian mingle and even took some classes at a university while praying God would send me a guy to marry and well it's not working. Been doing this for years. Praying since I was very young for my future husband and actively getting myself out there once I was old enough. I don't believe that we should just pray and not do our part so I've done my part to be in places where I can meet guys but it's not happening.

Few guys approach me. Maybe like two a year and so far I have not been into the ones who approach me. I have been into other guys but when I asked them out they declined and said they saw me as only a friend.

The dating sites haven't worked out either. I get asked for one night stands a lot online (and in person too sometimes) even on eharmony which I thought was a more serious-minded site! I guess not. People ask me for one night stands far more often than they ask me out on dates.

I'm almost 28 and have only been on a few dates.

I don't know what's up with this or what to do anymore. I could keep trying the sites and keep going to christian groups but quite frankly since I have given this years and nothing has come of it I really feel like giving up and just isolating. I'm very discouraged about it and need direction.

One thing I see in what you have written is equivocation in your faith. The rule, as demonstrated by Abraham, is that if you ever take a faith stand don't leave it. It is the only way to receive from the Lord. (Rom 4:18-21)Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him, “So shall your offspring be.” 19 Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead—since he was about a hundred years old—and that Sarah’s womb was also dead. 20 Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, 21 being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised. (James 1:6-8) But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7 That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; 8 he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.

 

[AphroditeGoneAwry]

He didn't *really* believe though, did he, because he impregnated his wife's handmaid.

 

[Forealzchola]

If you have some christian friends who can introduce you to a single christian man friend of theirs, this could be a good idea. I just tried this recently and we shall see how this goes. I have alot of men approach me but none have never been saved.

 

[Larry Mondello]

I'm almost 28 and have only been on a few dates.

Just want to encourage you not to get discouraged.

28 is in no way too old. You're not running out of time.

Now, I speak this as one who, like you, didn't get many dates in my 20s and didn't really start seriously dating until my mid-late 20s.
Believe me, I know how you feel and understand how lonely you can get and how desperate things can seem.

Believe it or not, there are many men like you, never-been-in-a-relationship guys in their late 20s and 30s looking for a good woman like you.
Though it's different for men (men are the ones who usually have to do the approaching), some find their advances rebuffed or the women aren't interested in second or third dates.

Where are the good Christian women, they (and I) ask(ed)?

I don't know what's up with this or what to do anymore. I could keep trying the sites and keep going to christian groups but quite frankly since I have given this years and nothing has come of it I really feel like giving up and just isolating. I'm very discouraged about it and need direction.

Sorry to hear about your dating frustrations.

The dating sites haven't worked out either. I get asked for one night stands a lot online (and in person too sometimes) even on eharmony which I thought was a more serious-minded site! I guess not. People ask me for one night stands far more often than they ask me out on dates.

Would recommend you continue going to the church and Christian singles groups as you're likely to meet a better breed of dating prospects there.
Christian men (and women) aren't perfect, but you're less likely to get hit-on sexually in the church groups.

I advise those never-been-in-a-relationship guys to avoid the bar scene and look to the church groups, particularly in the larger churches.

Few guys approach me. Maybe like two a year and so far I have not been into the ones who approach me. I have been into other guys but when I asked them out they declined and said they saw me as only a friend.

Oh, the dreaded "friend zone," which no one wants to be in.
That happens to guys too, and they get disappointed when women only see them that way.
Been there, done that.

When I was in my very late 20s, I too was getting discouraged and feared God had "forgotten" about me and my pledge to sexual responsibility (became of faith freshman year in college).
I always treated women well and was a "relationship-first" kind of guy who truly was interested in the woman's feelings.

As I turned 30, feared I'd be single a long time and that my 30s would be like my 20s, which were lousy, in terms of dating.

However, had a business lunch with a married female work acquaintance I'd met through another woman I'd dated a year or so earlier.
In our lunch, not sure why I did so, but happened to blurt-out how horrible I found dating in the city I lived.

"Women are either in their early 20s (I can't relate) or 40s/divorced/kids, which I wasn't really interested in...."

This acquaintance said,
"...mmmm... I happen to know a woman in the nearby big city. She's a little shy, but would you be interested in meeting her????"

That happened 3 mos. after I turned 30... and we began seriously dating and in a short time, became serious and was in an exclusive, committed dating relationship which led to marriage.

I don't know what's up with this or what to do anymore. I could keep trying the sites and keep going to christian groups but quite frankly since I have given this years and nothing has come of it I really feel like giving up and just isolating. I'm very discouraged about it and need direction.

Would advise you not to get impatient and go your own way on this.

I read about Christian women online (and know some in real life) who dated nonbelievers, then found themselves in love with them and giving them their virginities, only to later realize their nonbelieving BFs or spouses weren't going to change and ended up with big regrets over going for the wrong type of guy.

Please don't ignore the good Christian men in your midst.

And please don't discount the value of connections with friends as blind dates do work. I'm testimony to that.

In advising the never-been-in-a-relationship men to go the singles groups route, I tell them to strike friendships with women AND men.
Like in a job search, expanding one's professional network (social circle) broadens their chances of finding a job and relationship potential.
Also, some guy friends may bring a sister, female work colleague or friend to the group activity these guys could meet (and date).

Telling you this to not give up and realize the love of your life may be just around the corner.

 

[BFine]

You are doing your part and God is doing his, have you
considered that the guy isn't doing his part yet? Or could it be
some wound or wounds he has take longer to heal from?

You know how frustrating it is in this "search" for a Christian man
who is husband material right? God also knows the delays as well
since He's the one "working" behind the scenes in all this.

God's still working on both of you-- don't give up, instead--rest in
the knowledge that God is working it all out for good.

How are you reaching the lost with the Good News of the Gospel?

Someone a long time ago told me to "Stop looking and start trusting
God." I got offended first before I realized that I had put forth way too
much time and effect seeking someone to marry--when I should of been
helping others and sharing the gospel.

I would say about a year passed when one day after being on an unsuccessful
trip to meet a guy in Toronto, I went back on the dating site I'd joined on a free
trial basis and while looking through the newbies, I saw this guy who had posted
his photo, in the background of the photo I noticed he'd been at Niagara Falls....the last spot
I visited before leaving Toronto!
I wrote him and we chatted about Niagara Falls and how we both had been at
the same place etc... long story cut short-- we married within 3 months of meeting!
At this time we have been married 10 years.


Add on: I was doing some back story research on my own romance with my husband...
going back say two years to us chatting on line, guess what he was doing then?
He was in counseling and taking Christian workshops on Christian growth/development
and working out relationship problems.
He had been through nearly 25 years of marriage
when his wife had an affair and refused to give up the man --whom she eventually married.

He spent over 5 years own his on after the divorce and went through several
counseling programs etc... so he could improve himself and become a better
Christian.

A lot of Christians have endured many hardships in life and recovery time
varies with each individual.
Continue praying and serving others just as the Lord did when he was
on the earth.

Just know that God has NOT forgotten you and He loves you very much.

 

[Larry Mondello]

Please indulge me in some additional thoughts, Proverbs Gal.

Few guys approach me. Maybe like two a year and so far I have not been into the ones who approach me.

Please don't go solely on first impressions or your gut.

Remember my blind date with my future wife?
It didn't go so well.
No matter how I tried to get her into the conversation, she didn't say much.
Most of the conversation that night was between me, her best female friend and her friend's husband, as the three of us were in a similar field and was easy to talk about.

Recall during that date how I kept thinking how "she isn't into me..." and how "I'll get through this night" and "there'll be other women..."
Yet, we did get a chance to talk, and though I had pretty much ruled her out, the convo. did go well.
She was certainly attractive, but couldn't detect any interest on her part in me.
But what could I expect?
It was our first meeting, so shouldn't expect a loving, warm welcome from a stranger.

Wasn't planning on asking her out, but something kept gnawing at me in the next week or so, so I called her friend and got her number.

If I'd gone on my first impressions, I wouldn't be with her now and would've cheated myself out of a loving, lifelong relationship.

I'm almost 28 and have only been on a few dates.

My future wife got engaged shortly out of HS but that ended and though she dated off and on through her 20s, she never got into any relationships. I had some relationships in my late 20s, but they didn't work out.

We met in our early 30s.

I sometimes wonder what would have happened had either of us married in our 20s (like I so wanted @the time).

As I generally didn't look to date divorced women (though I did date a few) and wasn't interested in women with children, we may never have met.
So God was working behind the scenes in ways we'll never know.

So don't fret, your love may be around the corner.

 

[xxxxxxtra]

Hi. I understand what you are going thru. I went thru it.. It difficult being alone... Please just be patient.. God may never give you a spouse. But He has a glorious plan for your life that supercedes anything you could imagine or want for.. Now, i enjoy my own company. My priorities have changed.. I live entirely for Christ. Nothing else matters. Do i have any regrets.. When i sometimes see families it bothers me that i didn't. But in light of my relationship spent with the Lord. It's pale. I married 13 years ago. It lasted 11 months. The only thing she never took was my integrity. Mind you i threw that away.. Be careful. Be patient.. Be mindful of where each day will lead to down the road.. Last thing is do not allow yourself to become unequally yoked. It will be like a millstone around your neck.. And remember that the simple pleasures we look to have filled in our life by others are fleeting. It wont be long till you need so much more to carry you into the afterlife..

 

[tbogunro]

I've been going to Christian groups, tried eharmony and christian mingle and even took some classes at a university while praying God would send me a guy to marry and well it's not working. Been doing this for years. Praying since I was very young for my future husband and actively getting myself out there once I was old enough. I don't believe that we should just pray and not do our part so I've done my part to be in places where I can meet guys but it's not happening.

Few guys approach me. Maybe like two a year and so far I have not been into the ones who approach me. I have been into other guys but when I asked them out they declined and said they saw me as only a friend.

The dating sites haven't worked out either. I get asked for one night stands a lot online (and in person too sometimes) even on eharmony which I thought was a more serious-minded site! I guess not. People ask me for one night stands far more often than they ask me out on dates.

I'm almost 28 and have only been on a few dates.

I don't know what's up with this or what to do anymore. I could keep trying the sites and keep going to christian groups but quite frankly since I have given this years and nothing has come of it I really feel like giving up and just isolating. I'm very discouraged about it and need direction.

Okay think about this. You've prayed and you said you've done you're part and keep doing you're part. Alright now where as that gotten you? God said He's the one that provides a good husband, so doing your part is letting go. God doesn't need your help, just live life day by day and let go of helping God. It's not a coincidence that those that prayed for a good marriage didn't finally get one until they forgot about it. God NEVER needs help. Your determination is admirable, but when are you going to just say "alright God you do it"? God says He's our strength in our weaknesses and finding a husband is your weakness, so LET God be your strength. In fact brag about how you can't find this guy, but also brag about how God will do it because you can't. Let it go and leave it alone, your husband will come. Be like a child again. Your father's happiness is Him helping you and you've asked for a husband, so what do you think will happen? Now instead of searching begin to PREPARE! The desire will still be there and that's a good thing, because all that means is God does want you to get married but you're missing out on His other blessings by focusing so much on one thing. In fact those other blessings could have led you to this guy. God isn't stingy lol, so YES He's coming, now stop delaying the process by letting this desire get the best of you. Leave it alone by writing the type of husband you want on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, give it to God, leave it ALONE, and open it when you meet him

Look at Adam. God knew He was was lonely and he didn't ask for wife, in fact he didn't know what a woman was. But God gave him a wife when he feel sleep. Your Adam, so RELAX, and have fun going out because just as God is preparing you, He's preparing him also

 

[dollarsbill]

I've been going to Christian groups, tried eharmony and christian mingle and even took some classes at a university while praying God would send me a guy to marry and well it's not working. Been doing this for years. Praying since I was very young for my future husband and actively getting myself out there once I was old enough. I don't believe that we should just pray and not do our part so I've done my part to be in places where I can meet guys but it's not happening.

Few guys approach me. Maybe like two a year and so far I have not been into the ones who approach me. I have been into other guys but when I asked them out they declined and said they saw me as only a friend.

The dating sites haven't worked out either. I get asked for one night stands a lot online (and in person too sometimes) even on eharmony which I thought was a more serious-minded site! I guess not. People ask me for one night stands far more often than they ask me out on dates.

I'm almost 28 and have only been on a few dates.

I don't know what's up with this or what to do anymore. I could keep trying the sites and keep going to christian groups but quite frankly since I have given this years and nothing has come of it I really feel like giving up and just isolating. I'm very discouraged about it and need direction.

Did you forget God's word?

 

[wmpratt]

I've been going to Christian groups, tried eharmony and christian mingle and even took some classes at a university while praying God would send me a guy to marry and well it's not working. Been doing this for years. Praying since I was very young for my future husband and actively getting myself out there once I was old enough. I don't believe that we should just pray and not do our part so I've done my part to be in places where I can meet guys but it's not happening.

Few guys approach me. Maybe like two a year and so far I have not been into the ones who approach me. I have been into other guys but when I asked them out they declined and said they saw me as only a friend.

The dating sites haven't worked out either. I get asked for one night stands a lot online (and in person too sometimes) even on eharmony which I thought was a more serious-minded site! I guess not. People ask me for one night stands far more often than they ask me out on dates.

I'm almost 28 and have only been on a few dates.

I don't know what's up with this or what to do anymore. I could keep trying the sites and keep going to christian groups but quite frankly since I have given this years and nothing has come of it I really feel like giving up and just isolating. I'm very discouraged about it and need direction.

Maybe you're trying too hard. My advice is try joining as many different clubs/groups etc as you can and don't just limit them to Christian based ones. Hobbies are a good place to start. If you don't have one, get one. And you should maybe give some of the ones who approach you a chance, you never know. They could have been sent. Besides if anything can change a man, it’s a woman.

 

[Larry Mondello]

Just want to encourage you not to get discouraged.

28 is in no way too old. You're not running out of time.

........

When I was in my very late 20s, I too was getting discouraged and feared God had "forgotten" about me and my pledge to sexual responsibility (became of faith freshman year in college).
I always treated women well and was a "relationship-first" kind of guy who truly was interested in the woman's feelings.

As I turned 30, feared I'd be single a long time and that my 30s would be like my 20s, which were lousy, in terms of dating.

However, had a business lunch with a married female work acquaintance I'd met through another woman I'd dated a year or so earlier.
In our lunch, not sure why I did so, but happened to blurt-out how horrible I found dating in the city I lived.

"Women are either in their early 20s (I can't relate) or 40s/divorced/kids, which I wasn't really interested in...."

This acquaintance said,
"...mmmm... I happen to know a woman in the nearby big city. She's a little shy, but would you be interested in meeting her????"

That happened 3 mos. after I turned 30... and we began seriously dating and in a short time, became serious and was in an exclusive, committed dating relationship which led to marriage.

Would advise you not to get impatient and go your own way on this.

I read about Christian women online (and know some in real life) who dated nonbelievers, then found themselves in love with them and giving them their virginities, only to later realize their nonbelieving BFs or spouses weren't going to change and ended up with big regrets over going for the wrong type of guy.

Please don't ignore the good Christian men in your midst.

And please don't discount the value of connections with friends as blind dates do work. I'm testimony to that.

In advising the never-been-in-a-relationship men to go the singles groups route, I tell them to strike friendships with women AND men.
Like in a job search, expanding one's professional network (social circle) broadens their chances of finding a job and relationship potential.
Also, some guy friends may bring a sister, female work colleague or friend to the group activity these guys could meet (and date).

Telling you this to not give up and realize the love of your life may be just around the corner.

OP... you still around?
Want to "check-in" to see how you're doing...

Hang in there.
There are Christian men out there wanting a woman like you.