Confused and Hurt

[Iliad]

Hi. I've never actually talked about this or told anybody before because I've been scared to do so. I'm seventeen and two years ago I was repeatedly raped by my ex-boyfriend. It's so hard to write that sentence. For the past two years I've kept this to myself, but I'm very confused and upset. I know that what he did to me wasn't my fault, but I still feel dirty and unclean. I feel like my purity and virginity was stolen from me. I wanted to save sex for marriage the way God wants us to - I wear a purity ring on my left hand ring finger as a physical confirmation of my resolution. But now I can't do that. Sometimes, though, I feel like I should still be a virgin, at least spiritually, because I didn't willingly have sex to begin with. I don't know what to think. On an aside, I'm now in a relationship with a wonderful Christian guy, who holds the same beliefs I do, the same morals, everything. I trust him with my life and I love him very much, but part of me feels like I'm betraying his trust because I haven't told him what my ex did to me. He is my first relationship since I finally cut my ex out of my life and I believe fully that God put us together for a reason. I prayed a long time before commencing a relationship with (for purposes, let's call him C. All these pronouns are getting a bit confusing) C. I feared entering into a relationship after (we'll call my ex D) D, because I was afraid of being similarly hurt. So as much as I tried to stay away from C, I kept feeling myself being drawn to him. I sat down and prayed about C and what to do; I stopped talking and then I just heard in my head "Maybe, if you can't get someone out of your head, they're supposed to be there." clear as day. It felt like affirmation from God that He had indeed planned for me to be with C. But I feel like I'm deceiving C because I haven't told him about D. Well, I've told him about D and how he cheated on me and we broke up, but I didn't tell him that he raped me. I'm afraid to tell C because I don't know what he'll think of me. I'm not worried so much that he'll stop loving me, I'm not exactly sure what. He also sees D everyday at school and I don't want to cause anything bad to happen at school because I know that C would be angrier with D than I am. I'm very conflicted. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

~Dani

 

[shazabella]

Hi. I've never actually talked about this or told anybody before because I've been scared to do so. I'm seventeen and two years ago I was repeatedly raped by my ex-boyfriend. It's so hard to write that sentence. For the past two years I've kept this to myself, but I'm very confused and upset. I know that what he did to me wasn't my fault, but I still feel dirty and unclean. I feel like my purity and virginity was stolen from me. I wanted to save sex for marriage the way God wants us to - I wear a purity ring on my left hand ring finger as a physical confirmation of my resolution. But now I can't do that. Sometimes, though, I feel like I should still be a virgin, at least spiritually, because I didn't willingly have sex to begin with. I don't know what to think. On an aside, I'm now in a relationship with a wonderful Christian guy, who holds the same beliefs I do, the same morals, everything. I trust him with my life and I love him very much, but part of me feels like I'm betraying his trust because I haven't told him what my ex did to me. He is my first relationship since I finally cut my ex out of my life and I believe fully that God put us together for a reason. I prayed a long time before commencing a relationship with (for purposes, let's call him C. All these pronouns are getting a bit confusing) C. I feared entering into a relationship after (we'll call my ex D) D, because I was afraid of being similarly hurt. So as much as I tried to stay away from C, I kept feeling myself being drawn to him. I sat down and prayed about C and what to do; I stopped talking and then I just heard in my head "Maybe, if you can't get someone out of your head, they're supposed to be there." clear as day. It felt like affirmation from God that He had indeed planned for me to be with C. But I feel like I'm deceiving C because I haven't told him about D. Well, I've told him about D and how he cheated on me and we broke up, but I didn't tell him that he raped me. I'm afraid to tell C because I don't know what he'll think of me. I'm not worried so much that he'll stop loving me, I'm not exactly sure what. He also sees D everyday at school and I don't want to cause anything bad to happen at school because I know that C would be angrier with D than I am. I'm very conflicted. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

~Dani

Hey Dani,

If you ever want to talk - PM me , you aren't dirty or unclean ... the person who did it to you is that

I'm a rape survivor as well

- Shaz

 

[georgie2319]

Hi and sorry to hear what u have been through i agree with what shaz has said about the person who did this to u is the one who is un clean and dirty. U have nothing to feel ashamed about. Pm me also if u want to chat. God bless i hope he heals ur pain always and forever more.

 

[lillybug0514]

wanted to save sex for marriage the way God wants us to

You know what... you are. Just because you were raped, doesnt mean you let God down. It was taken from you and you did not give it. God knows our hearts and He knows that we wanted to wait. What matters now is what you do in the future. You still have the power to save sex until mariage.

It sounds like you have found a wonderful guy. If God has put this guy in your life, then He will take care of it. I dont think you should feel like you are betraying him because you havent told him yet what happened. You need to feel comfortable with the situation before you tell him. Dont tell him just because you feel guilty, tell him because you want to and trust him completely. It is a scary thing, telling someone you know.

I cant give you any great advice on how or when to tell him. I've never done it myself, but ask him to be understanding. If you dont want him to cause problems with the other guy, ask him not to. If he truly loves you then hopefully he will spare you that pain and anguish. Tell him that you just need him to be there for you and understand what happened to you.

Hope this helps
Lilly

 

[COVINABP]

Exactly true about the fact of you did not give it, so you are clean!

I just thought I'd tell you a guys perspective, from your situation that I was in.

First You are not wrong in anything you do, anything. This situation is very difficult, and you don't need any further heart ache added to it.

I had the same beliefs as you, but if you read my thread on a 5 year old to a five year old, you will see how I first felt comprimised on this, but I let my wife, girlfriend @ the time know about my past with in the first couple of weeks. The night before I turned 18, my wife, girlfriend @ the time told me how her boyfriend before me had raped her. I was shocked, I had not really had to face anything like this. On the night I turned 18 (we were out of the state, on vacation w/out our parents) she told me that she wanted to give herself to me, as my birthday gift. Again I was shocked, it was a bombshell on me, & as a man, it was a what do I do situation. I ended up not being able to rise to the occasion that night, and that then posed a further problem for me, because, ok, now I have to have sex with her so if we break up she wont tell her friends (like she would tell them) & I don't want her to think I am not attrackted to her, or I have a problem with rising to the occasion, so we had sex later, thats getting beside my point. The fact she waited so long into our relationship, probably combined with the fact that we imediately became active gave me loads of doubts (ssome of which weren't healed until I found this site), I mean I always wondered if he was bigger, did he do things better so on so fourth.

I became very confused about trust, I mean, I thougth I knew all there was to know about her, so I became leary & asked if it had happened more than once, she swore up & down only once. months later, the day of our wedding she tells me that it was nuemorus times, and again, I was destroyed.

We have worked this out, I think, We are now working out many other terrible things that have happened, but I truely believe that it would have been a lot easier to deal with, knowing sooner than later, I mean, it was obvious I didn't have to have a virgin, I had tried to date someone w/ a child a few months earlier.

I tell you this, to inform you of my situation ONLY, I am not making any recomendations other than to follow your heart & what God puts to it, God already led you too him. Like I say, I am only trying to let you know how the otherside might look @ things.

God Bless

William

 

[Taylorbaseball]

Hi
I'm the person Dani is dating right now.
All of you who posted replies, thank you so much. you don't know how much it has helped her(She can't stop telling me!).
If any other girls are going through the same problem, wait for the right moment. If god meant for them to be there for you, that's where they'll stay.
Thanks guys, and thank you Dani.
God bless