Confronted a friend...now what?

[christiangal522]

I met this guy two months ago and we became friends quickly. Formerly a heavy drug user, he has been on the road to recovery for a year. We spent a lot of time together and had gotten to know each other quite well. Things started to go sour when he would tell me he'd call me and we'd do something later that night and then evening would roll around and I wouldn't hear from him. He always had a "good" excuse the next day. A few weeks ago, he moved to a different state for a job. Now, I've always been a very forgiving person and give people the benefit of a doubt. However, Until this week I heard some horrible things from a good friend of his who is also a recovering drug addict. If anyone knows anything about drug addicts, they are very good at lying and covering things up. Needless to say, I'm not sure if I believe the friend. However, when I confronted my friend on the things his friend said, he became very defensive. Basically what his friend said is that he didn't go out of town at all (he lied to EVERYONE about this...everyone thought he was gone but his friend and his family) and he has been smoking pot (he used to do meth which he still isn't doing) which is why he probably stood me up. When i confronted him on it, I basically asked him why he didnt think he could be honest with me. He said why cause i am back in town now? I said no, because you never left. He got very upset and didn't try to defend himself but instead turned things around on me. Suddenly he said I was being pushy, bothering him, and that i was psycho and needed to stop talking to him (these were his words, in some fashion).
My question is did i do the right thing? I feel weird about the whole thing...I mean I feel content in confronting him because it seems as though he was so defensive that I did, in deed, catch him in a lie. (He really never knew what else I found out because he became too defensive by cutting me down that he never asked what i really knew). I lost a friend and I'm okay with that because it was just too much drama but it hurts my heart for Christ to watch people live like this...lying about everything. I 'm not used to people like that and it kills me that people CAN be like that.
The thing that sucks about this situation is it makes me make "assumptions"....I mean, those nights I didn't hear from him, was he high? Was he lying? Or were his excuses legitimate?? Ugh....I can't believe I got put into this mess. I mean, I HATE to judge people and make assumptions about people and think negative things about people.
What else I don't understand is how people in his situation can push good away? I mean, he believed that his meeting me (He knows very few Christians) was a God-thing. He was so excited about getting to know God better and i was willing to help him (i.e. bible studies, stuff like that...i work in a church, btw). Suddenly this person who I saw as having so much hope and excitement became a liar who doesnt want to have anything to do with me. WOOH! What happened?? Or was the God-thing a whole lie? It seemed legitimate and i never felt God telling me otherwise. In fact I felt God telling me to reach out to him. Now I have no way of doing that since he pushed me away. This really hurts my heart....or should it? LOL It's such a confusing mess. My heart really opened up to this person and to find out that thye lied (about everything?...I dont know)...it's all confusing. But because we have so much freedom and free will, is it legitimate to say that maybe God never really wanted me to reach out to him? Or is it possible for us to screw up GOd's plan becuse of the freedom this friend and I both have? Hmmm....
Anyway would you pray for him?? He has a good heart and he's trying to live right but he gets so caught up in his old lifestyle that he lets it get in his way. I just hope the Holy SPirit can convict him into true change...not just a partial transformation.

 

[rainbowprism]

I used to date someone with a drug problem.... usually if they get really nasty and mad there is something behind that anger and putting the blame on you takes the heat off them. Be very very careful

 

[christiangal522]

Rainbow-

That was my feelings behind it. Although his comments were very hurtful and harsh, I decided to blow them off...and everyone around me told me to ignore them because his comments don't reflect who I really am. (He told me that I'm psycho and needed to stop pushing my male abandonment issues on him...where that all came from I'm not sure!).

Do you think that people with a drug problem (or are recovering) are dangerous to be around PERIOD? I mean, how does God reach them if its too dangerous to put ourselves in those situations with them? Hmmm. I was thinking about it last nite and a part of me thinks that the goodness in our friendship was too much for him...he's not used to people who live like I do (strong Christian values). He even told me that when he is with me it's like he's in another world and that it's not reality (aka too good to be real) and that's why I think he pushed me away. Or is that a bunch of bull? I'd like to believe that we shared SOMETHING good for a while but once you hear someone lied it's hard not to question it all, you know?

What are your thoughts on the whole befriending drug users? My path has crossed a number of drug users/previous drug users this summer and I'm so not used ot that world and I'm not sure how to take it all or handle it all. I did reach out to one girl who is going into treatment now but the others...I dunno.

 

[gman]

I am a former drug user myself and relapsed back in December and Feb...what you are describing is classic addictive behavior...it could be that he has recently been using, then again, it could be that he just has some underlying things that he has not dealt with in his recovery...putting the spin onto you is something I've done to my wife and I still do from time to time...just don't want to look at myself and my character defects. My advice...be gentle, but set your boundaries firm...don't let anger get the best of you...just be angry at the behavior, not him...God doesn't look kindly on any of his children being mistreated, you don't have to be a door mat...detach for a time and pray about it...I'm praying for you right now sis

 

[christiangal522]

gman-
Yeah I tried to be patient with him and I didnt feel that I was THAT confrontive but he took it that way and now the relationship has been "terminated" so to speak as he asked me to leave him alone. I feel bad because as a Christian I don't want to push anyone away but now he did it for me (in a rather aggressive manner, nonetheless) and I guess there's not a whole lot I can do now but give him that space.

 

[seek2find]

I live with a bunch of volatile people, so being passive helps. When trying to find out the truth (or at least versions of it), I try to ask questions like, "You went out of town, right?" instead of "You never left town." It keeps the person from getting too defensive, and depending on how well you know this guy, you might be able to read something in his eyes if he starts feeling guilty about lying.

He most likely pushed you away because he was afraid you'd judge him if he wasn't doing the "right" thing. It's difficult to have someone understand that your question is asked out of genuine care for them and that it's not something meant to frame them. My prayers are with him...and don't worry, you didn't do anything wrong.

 

[christiangal522]

Well I guess I messed that one up, huh, since he pushed me out of his life.

I'll keep him in my prayers too. He has a good heart...just hope he knows what to do with it and soon b4 things get worse!

 

[TheMainException]

I believe that you did the right thing, but you don't want to lose a friend such as him when you are such a good role model to follow, of course, when you are doing drugs, someone who isn't doing them and is a Christian is a great role model. Try to talk to him more every now and then.

 

[christiangal522]

Well a friend of mine ran into this guy yesterday and he's over his bitterness towards me (if he calls me again that is a different story). She was telling him how we're moving in together on wednesday and he told her how perfect of a person I am to live with (mature, responsible, good influence, etc). She said he's over the whole fight thing and that he doesn't think I'm psycho or anything like that. Guess he was just being defensive!! That was kind of good to hear....when people cut your character down sometimes it's hardd to guard your heart from painful words.

 

[seek2find]

Glad to hear it, christiangal

 

[christiangal522]

gman-

The detaching thing has been helpful!! For both of us. My friend ran into him again and he asked her "21 questions" about me...how I'm doing, what's new with me, expressing a genuine interest and concern in what's going on in my life. She said it was really quite surprising and that it seems like he wants to see me but is too afraid to call. He did ask if he could stop by our new apartment. She told him we were going out dancing and he asked if "anyone" else could come with...but he didnt come. She wasn't sure how I'd feel about that. I know some people wouldn't agree with me but I believe we need to forgive people and move forward, going down the path that God wants us to go down. I dont believe that forgiveness always involves reconciliation though...for example I have a grandmother I've had to deal with some difficult issues with...I forgive her, but I dont want a relationship with her. If God wants me to forgive him and reach out to him, I will. But there's always that possibility that maybe I"m not the person GOd wants to reach out to him...I'm not sure about that and need to be prayerful about it.
Anyway I think he's finally realizing that he is missing out on a good thing...hopefully God is stirring in his heart. In the beginning of our friendship God was stirring in his heart and I think it scared him because it was so against his usual lifestyle. So he freaked out...but I think our not talking for a while (I haven't seen him in over a month) has given him time to think and reflect...I just pray that God continues to stir him towards righteousness. His heart is good...just hope his actions can match! If we become friends again, there's going to have to be a serious discussion about honesty!! Like I've told him a thousand times, tell me WHATEVER...as long as you are being honest, I won't get upset...honesty is more important than anything (to me anyway). What do you all think about that (not getting upset with honesty)....is that legit? or messed up?