Conflicted and confused...

[lmarie23]

Do you ever have it where you're thinking about something, and that one thing consumes you and it's all you can think about, casting a dark cloud over everything you do through the day... I'm sure everyone does at some point. That's how it's been for me lately. I'm generally a very open and honest person. Yet at the same time I'm very careful about what I share with people, partly because I know that some people would get overwhelmed by my problems and partly because I know that they might judge me and not understand. And at times it's hard for me to be honest with myself.

Well, anyways, I was very honest with my pastor recently, I shared with him how I struggle with such negative feelings towards myself, even self-hatred a lot of the time. I was explaining how I live my life and manage it. He was questioning whether I even believe in the Bible, since I have a hard time accepting God's love for me, that God has chosen me, that I am part of His kingdom, that I am blessed, etc. I don't know, it's just hard for me to believe such positive things about myself. I've struggled since I was a little girl with believing that I am unlovable. Those deep-seated beliefs don't change overnight.

He's telling me that I need to make a choice, between continuing in the unhealthy system I've created for my life, or embracing what God is trying to tell me. He lays things out for me so directly and bluntly that it takes me aback. I'm just feeling really overwhelmed right now. I want to change. I would like to get past all this junk I've always struggled with. But i don't know how exactly. I feel pulled in two different directions, part of me really wants to get better and part of me is still depressed and self-destructive. I feel so conflicted and tortured right now. I just want to go to sleep for a while and forget about this.

Anyone identify with any of this or have suggestions? Thanks.

Lynne

 

[Atheian Libertarist]

Perhaps getting professional help, i.e. counseling. Unless your pastor is educated in that field by holding the proper education, I would not bother with something this serious.

 

[therewalksalady]

yes, definitely go to a certified counselor. pastors are great to go to for support but not all of them are qualified to help with issues like this. not saying anything bad about your pastor, please don't think that! just saying that you might need more help than he is able to give you.

i hope you get that help, too. i struggle with some of those issues and i know how hard it gets. be blessed!

 

[lmarie23]

yeah, I do see a counselor, she just hasn't been able to see me lately. Hopefully we will connect sometime soon.

 

[dark struggle]

YOu know I think thats where compassion and empathy on ones part comes in. I have those same feelings most everyday. Some worse than others, and my hubby wants me to "talk" to him about what bothers me, and the moment I opened up just a crack I get a call from my sister who said that he is afraid for me and thinks he should admit me into a psyc ward. Then he wanders why I never say things, why I just curl up in my side of the bed and cry silently all night long. People don't understand and they are quick to judge and they lack compassion and empathy. Jesus doesn't bring judgement and condemnation, niether does he place guilt. I think you should reevaute the whole meeting with your pastor. I don't want to say anything bad about anyone, or cross any lines of judgement, but that has just been my experience. I wish I could help but Im just not at that place yet where I could offer affective advice. I will pray for you though. I want you to know that I do know how you feel.

 

[Chaplain David]

Do you ever have it where you're thinking about something, and that one thing consumes you and it's all you can think about, casting a dark cloud over everything you do through the day... I'm sure everyone does at some point. That's how it's been for me lately. I'm generally a very open and honest person. Yet at the same time I'm very careful about what I share with people, partly because I know that some people would get overwhelmed by my problems and partly because I know that they might judge me and not understand. And at times it's hard for me to be honest with myself.

Well, anyways, I was very honest with my pastor recently, I shared with him how I struggle with such negative feelings towards myself, even self-hatred a lot of the time. I was explaining how I live my life and manage it. He was questioning whether I even believe in the Bible, since I have a hard time accepting God's love for me, that God has chosen me, that I am part of His kingdom, that I am blessed, etc. I don't know, it's just hard for me to believe such positive things about myself. I've struggled since I was a little girl with believing that I am unlovable. Those deep-seated beliefs don't change overnight.

He's telling me that I need to make a choice, between continuing in the unhealthy system I've created for my life, or embracing what God is trying to tell me. He lays things out for me so directly and bluntly that it takes me aback. I'm just feeling really overwhelmed right now. I want to change. I would like to get past all this junk I've always struggled with. But i don't know how exactly. I feel pulled in two different directions, part of me really wants to get better and part of me is still depressed and self-destructive. I feel so conflicted and tortured right now. I just want to go to sleep for a while and forget about this.

Anyone identify with any of this or have suggestions? Thanks.

Lynne

Since you're posting in the bipolar forum I'm assuming you have a problem with that, possibly some other issues. While what you're pastor said is good advice for a person not affected by mental health issues, I think it is terrible advice for someone who is bi-polar, etc. It's not his fault. Pastors, unless they've undergone extensive counseling or pastoral counseling training (or have problems themselves that they've been dealing with), simply do not have the kind of knowledge that can lead them to giving good advice in these type of situations. Looking at his advice however, it can still be applied. Choosing what God wants for you could mean obtaining mental health counseling. I hope you are getting the help that you need from a certified profession. I know that when one is stable, good Christian advice like the Pastor gave you can be more readily applied. I hope I have given some measure of help and understanding by this post. God bless.

 

[madison1101]

Bi-polar or not, self-esteem issues plague a lot of believers. I have struggled with the very same issue about my value as a person, and have learned a lot from a dear Christian friend. While what your pastor has said to you is simple, from a faith/belief point of view, it is not easy to grasp and make a reality in my mind as a human with a mental illness. This is where the spiritual battle takes place in my mind on a regular basis.

Scripture says that we are to be transformed by the renewing of our minds. Well, I renew and transform my mind by filling it with God's thoughts about me. The more I fill with God's thoughts, the less time and space is there for the negativitiy. So, I read God's Word, and I claim His Truths. Am I always 100% successful in this on a daily basis? Of course not. But, I am a far cry better than I was 15 years ago, 10 years ago, or even 5 years ago.

Satan is a liar and he will lie to us on a regular basis to get us to take our focus off of the Truth of God's Word, and onto the misery of our existances. Developing a daily discipline in reading the Truth of God's Word helps keep the enemy at bay.

I will post some Truths from Neil Anderson's "Freedom in Christ" Ministry in a separate post.

Trish

 

[madison1101]

Here are some Truths about us.

[FONT=&quot]John 1:12 [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I am God's child. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]John 15:15 [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]As a disciple, I am a friend of Jesus Christ. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Romans 5:1[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I have been justified.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]1 Corinthians 6:17[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I am united with the Lord, and I am one with Him in spirit.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]1 Corinthians 6:19-20[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I have been bought with a price and I belong to God.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]1 Corinthians 12:27[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I am accepted... [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Ephesians 1:3-8[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I have been chosen by God and adopted as His child.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Colossians 1:13-14[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I have been redeemed and forgiven of all my sins.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Colossians 2:9-10[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I am complete in Christ.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Hebrews 4:14-16[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I have direct access to the throne of grace through Jesus Christ.[/FONT]



[FONT=&quot]I am secure...[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Romans 8:1-2[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I am free from condemnation.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Romans 8:28[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I am assured that God works for my good in all circumstances.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Romans 8:31-39[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I am free from any condemnation brought against me and I cannot be separated from the love of God.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]2 Corinthians 1:21-22[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I have been established, anointed and sealed by God.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Colossians 3:1-4[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I am hidden with Christ in God.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Philippians 1:6[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I am confident that God will complete the good work He started in me.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Philippians 3:20[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I am a citizen of heaven.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]2 Timothy 1:7[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I have not been given a spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]1 John 5:18[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I am born of God and the evil one cannot touch me.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]I am significant...[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]John 15:5[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I am a branch of Jesus Christ, the true vine, and a channel of His life.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]John 15:16[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I have been chosen and appointed to bear fruit.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]1 Corinthians 3:16[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I am God's temple.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]2 Corinthians 5:17-21[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I am a minister of reconciliation for God.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Ephesians 2:6[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I am seated with Jesus Christ in the heavenly realm.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Ephesians 2:10[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I am God's workmanship.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Ephesians 3:12[/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I may approach God with freedom and confidence.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Philippians 4:13 [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me. [/FONT]
​

 

[lmarie23]

Bi-polar or not, self-esteem issues plague a lot of believers. I have struggled with the very same issue about my value as a person, and have learned a lot from a dear Christian friend. While what your pastor has said to you is simple, from a faith/belief point of view, it is not easy to grasp and make a reality in my mind as a human with a mental illness. This is where the spiritual battle takes place in my mind on a regular basis.

Scripture says that we are to be transformed by the renewing of our minds. Well, I renew and transform my mind by filling it with God's thoughts about me. The more I fill with God's thoughts, the less time and space is there for the negativitiy. So, I read God's Word, and I claim His Truths. Am I always 100% successful in this on a daily basis? Of course not. But, I am a far cry better than I was 15 years ago, 10 years ago, or even 5 years ago.

Satan is a liar and he will lie to us on a regular basis to get us to take our focus off of the Truth of God's Word, and onto the misery of our existances. Developing a daily discipline in reading the Truth of God's Word helps keep the enemy at bay.

I will post some Truths from Neil Anderson's "Freedom in Christ" Ministry in a separate post.

Trish

Thank you. That was helpful. I think I spend too much time trying to handle my mental illness, and too little time filling up my mind with the Bible and such. When really, how can I "handle" my mental illness when I'm not in the Word. I need to stop trying to do things myself.

It's interesting that you would bring up Neil Anderson, I starting having this whole dialogue with my pastor because he recommended i read Neil Anderson's Overcoming the Darkness... I tried to read it but I just couldn't accept those truths about my identity in Christ (like the ones you listed). So then I was trying to explain why I had such a hard time with those truths...

but like everyone keeps saying, this is probably better discussed with my counselor. i always feel like my mental illness is tied in with my spiritual issues, and i forget where the one stops and the other begins. I'm really glad that I see a Christian counselor at least.

oh, and it's nice to feel like i'm not alone in some of these struggles. i am bipolar and borderline personality disorder, it's nice to come on these boards and find people who can understand where i'm coming from a bit.

Lynne

 

[madison1101]

Yes, you are definitely not alone. I am borderline and bipolar as well. The worst is that the Borderline Personality is unique to even most therapists in that we usually have absolutely NO core identity at all.

Most pastors do not have the slightest clue how to advise someone with mental health issues. It sounds like your pastor means well, and is attempting to guide you in experiencing the freedom that we have in Christ. Problem is, normal people, if they exist, are able to experience the spiritual transformations much more easily than I do. My suggestion is to try to be discreet in what you share on a personal level with the pastor.

My psychotherapist is not a Christian, but he is the most skilled psychologist I know in dealing with borderline personality and cognitive behavioral therapy. When I first started with him, I attended a more conservative, legalistic type church that was highly critical of mental health professionals, especially unbelievers. So, I prayed for the Lord to put a woman in my life to mentor/disciple me in my faith. I had no clue just how sick I was when I started therapy 19 years ago, but I knew I wanted to be a stable, Christian mother and wife. It took a few years for the Lord to put Ruth into my life, and boy did He bless me with the perfect Christian friend.

Ruth went to Bible college, and studied social work there. She led women's Bible studies at the second church we attended, and she and I met when I started teaching junior high Sunday School. Her unconditional love and compassion just flowed over me. When we developed the discipleship relationship, I told her, over time, every single thing there was to know about me. I told her about how awful I was as a sinner, and how I could not comprehend Jesus love for me because I had one X,Y, or Z sin the other day. Ruth never judged me for my lack of faith, or my sinful behavior. She would lovingly remind me that Jesus knew all about that sin when He went to the cross, and that He loved me so much, He willingly died for that sin too.

Over the years, she has repeatedly encouraged me to fill my mind with Truth and helped me to look back on episodes where I would sin as "falling for the lies of the enemy" rather than something to be condemned. She also encouraged me to make notecards with a scripture to meditate on, and carry it around to remind me of the Truth for the day. I would take those verse in the list from Neil Anderson, and just choose one and carry it, think about it, pray about it and ask God to help me believe it. Remember the story of the man who asked the Lord to heal his child. He said, "Lord, I believe. Help me in my unbelief." It's okay to tell God we lack the faith to believe His Word. That's why He sent us the Holy Spirit, to help us understand His Word and believe it. So, pray and ask God to help you learn and believe those Truths about you, one at a time, for as long as it takes.

Understand that this does not happen overnight. I met Ruth in 1993. She has been ministering to me for that long. I have not seen her in person since 1997, when she moved to Florida, but we e-mail regularly, and I call her about once a week or so. We do book studies long distance, and we pray for each other regularly. I am still in therapy with the same therapist I started with in 1989. Ruth prays for him when she knows I have an appointment, and she helps me process my sessions, either in e-mail or over the phone.

Sorry this is so long. I just felt led to encourage you. Developing faith takes time and I have not completely mastered it, but I can tell you that since the year 2000, I have gone through a painful divorce, gotten sober from alcoholism, been through graduate school, dealt with my son's heroin addiction, had gastric bypass surgery, and buried both of my brothers, one at the age of 40, the other just a year ago at the age of 56. I firmly believe I could not have dealt with all of that stress, trauma and tragedy if I did not have Ruth encouraging me, and allowing me to cry on her shoulder at times. It has not been perfect, in that I have recently completed bankruptcy proceedings, as well as I had a year of alcoholic relapse. But, God has been teaching me in those things as well, and Ruth has encouraged me to confess, repent and move on.

Hang in there.
Trish

 

[MI6]

Do you ever have it where you're thinking about something, and that one thing consumes you and it's all you can think about, casting a dark cloud over everything you do through the day... I'm sure everyone does at some point. That's how it's been for me lately. I'm generally a very open and honest person. Yet at the same time I'm very careful about what I share with people, partly because I know that some people would get overwhelmed by my problems and partly because I know that they might judge me and not understand. And at times it's hard for me to be honest with myself.

Well, anyways, I was very honest with my pastor recently, I shared with him how I struggle with such negative feelings towards myself, even self-hatred a lot of the time. I was explaining how I live my life and manage it. He was questioning whether I even believe in the Bible, since I have a hard time accepting God's love for me, that God has chosen me, that I am part of His kingdom, that I am blessed, etc. I don't know, it's just hard for me to believe such positive things about myself. I've struggled since I was a little girl with believing that I am unlovable. Those deep-seated beliefs don't change overnight.

He's telling me that I need to make a choice, between continuing in the unhealthy system I've created for my life, or embracing what God is trying to tell me. He lays things out for me so directly and bluntly that it takes me aback. I'm just feeling really overwhelmed right now. I want to change. I would like to get past all this junk I've always struggled with. But i don't know how exactly. I feel pulled in two different directions, part of me really wants to get better and part of me is still depressed and self-destructive. I feel so conflicted and tortured right now. I just want to go to sleep for a while and forget about this.

Anyone identify with any of this or have suggestions? Thanks.

Lynne

Hi Lynne,
I can totally relate to how you feel. We have to make the decision that we want to get better, and believe that God is for us, not against us. God does not want anyone to be bipolar.

 

[Jeshu]

Dear Lynne


I have been where you are now for many years. You see dear friend of mine,through sin and in particular through illness we are divide in many - good and bad!

This happens because we eat the fruit of Right and Wrong.

This is what you are doing now - all the time you are eating Right and Wrong (about yourself) and suffering its misery.

Professional help can be useful, pastoral help may also be - however ALL people are stuck with Right and Wrong - as you will see so the help of Jesus is what you truly want.

Jesus will save you in both Right and Wrong - for in reality all within is no good - we are completely polluted. Let me demonstrate - if you put but one drop of ink in a glass of water the water will be coloured from it - so it is with our souls, one sin and hoopla unlovingness will rear its ugly head.

Ask the Help of Jesus to save you out of the bind you find yourself in. Divine love is what you need to get out - for from out of yourself you will continue to resist God's loving truth, as wrong has lodging in your spirit, and wrong hates right so you will feel inclined to resit good and choose for wrong to continue (This is why you hate yourself so much, wrong rules inside your inner control room.)

Ask yourself will self-hate live forever? Will Jesus be pleased with you, hating what He died to save? Who hates life anyway, in particularly good life? What fruits does hate and dislike bring into us and what are the fruits of love? Please tell me Lynne, why would you continue to hold onto hate instead of surrender to love and why would you find resistance/repulsion towards love and good things?

The biggest question I wanted to ask you - why is it hard for you to accept love - what inside of you doesn't like love for self? Do you want to keep such being as your decider for life? Why would you keep defending that which harms you all the time and has brought you so much desolation?


Praying your defence system will crumble soonish and God's dicvine love conquer you.

A caring friend

1 Cor 13:1-13 (NKJV)

1 Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal.
2 And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.
3 And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing.
4 Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up;
5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil;
6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth;
7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
8 Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away.
9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part.
10 But when that which is perfect has come, then that which is in part will be done away.
11 When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things.
12 For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known.
13 And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

​

 

[Alive again]

Lynne,

I have not had or taken much time to post recently. I check in and pray for everyone. But I have wanted to respond and yet hesitated. You see, not everyone's journey is the same, I can only share mine and what has helped me.

SO my journey to wellness did begin with Neil Anderson and his truths which are direct verses from the Bible. I have spoken to many here about it and post those same things many times here. For some it has been an incredible tool. For others here the illness still has a huge grip on them and their thoughts. So I am sharing things here that all will not agree with.

So off the top. THIS IS AN ILLNESS!!! I have met very few who can manage this illness without meds. This illness involves the neurochemicals which directly influence our thinking. HOwever, I believe the enemy can use this illness and the thougth patterns it creates against us. This is where Neil Andersen work began to help me. I had so very many negative thoughts that had been well worn into my brain. And yet I believed, and knew God was truth, GOd could not lie and that the only source of truth I could trust was God's WOrd. So when I read "Overcoming the Darkness", I was staring straight at a conflict in my own beliefs, both could not be true. EG I could not be acceptable and loved by God and "unloveable" "nobody care/loves me" So I came to realize that my feelings which came out in my thoughts were wrong, though they felt real to me. So I began slowly everytime I recognized one of those lying thoughts to counteract it with Scripural truths (usually in the Laurie abridged version) So though when I spoke them or thought of them these scripture did not feel true, I would just keep replying to any thought with a contradictary thurth, many of them from Neil ANdersens' work, but there are so many more in the BIble. When I began the thought woudl immediately return and I would have to remidn my self I am loved, my though would then repeat, nobody loves you, I would tell it GOd loves me, and I would go back and forth like this. Ove rtime and pratice, the fellings thoughts that were not true began to fade and come less often. They do still come and hti si many years later, but my response is so much more automatic now. For me, I do not know if this would have been enough without finding the right medicine to help me. ButI believe it hasd helped my medicine to work better. And as we find out more and more about the brain and it's amazing prorperties to heal, I think this process was a big part of my getter better. From there I have been able to add more things that have been helpful-like doing a word study and discovering the difference between joy and happiness-this released me from the guilt of feeling like I did not have the Fruit of the Spirit in my life (joy). Helping me to recognize other areas of my life where I had let feelings rule and not reality. To finding wome info on just why did GOd create feellings and how this world (our enemy) has twisted them to confuse us, etc ,etc.

So I finally came to bottom line where, it matter to me what GOd said, not what my pastor said, or my friend said, etc That yes, these things would make me healthier, and in doing that would show me other ways to continue to make me healthier, BUT GET THIS-it was then that I realized that what I was doing was not all that much idferent than anyone else in this sin filled world. Yes, I do have an illness which gives me certain issues I deal with, but that I have alot in commmon with everyone out there. We are all working out our faith in fear and trembling (AWE) everyday.

I hope this made some sense. .

 

[BlessedMommy05]

Lynn,

I can relate to what your saying.. I think Pastors have the best interst at heart,but like another poster said, they need to have extensive training or some should have a doctorate degree in counseling to help many who are Christians and suffer from this.. I've been to pastors who think they want to help but unless they walk a mile in our shoes, they truly dont get it.. See for many even among Christians they dont see it as an ilness all they see is oh you'll get over it, no you wont,not with out God's love and help plus the right counselor or therapist.. Some times meds are used.. To many people among the world Christian or not, who dont battle with BP dont get why we struggle so much. Its sad and hard to accept but in the long run, take what your pastor said not with a grain of salt, but just let it sink a bit,not totaly but just understand he or she may not have BP or any mental illness in their family so they dont truly get the whole big picture.. Just a diff perspective..

 

[madison1101]

Lynn,

I can relate to what your saying.. I think Pastors have the best interst at heart,but like another poster said, they need to have extensive training or some should have a doctorate degree in counseling to help many who are Christians and suffer from this.. I've been to pastors who think they want to help but unless they walk a mile in our shoes, they truly dont get it.. See for many even among Christians they dont see it as an ilness all they see is oh you'll get over it, no you wont,not with out God's love and help plus the right counselor or therapist.. Some times meds are used.. To many people among the world Christian or not, who dont battle with BP dont get why we struggle so much. Its sad and hard to accept but in the long run, take what your pastor said not with a grain of salt, but just let it sink a bit,not totaly but just understand he or she may not have BP or any mental illness in their family so they dont truly get the whole big picture.. Just a diff perspective..

It is so true that some people do not have a clue about bipolar disorder, and they think it is something you can just "get over." Well, thankfully, there are more Christians who work in the mental health fields these days, and that is a blessing.

 

[lmarie23]

Yes, you are definitely not alone. I am borderline and bipolar as well. The worst is that the Borderline Personality is unique to even most therapists in that we usually have absolutely NO core identity at all.

Most pastors do not have the slightest clue how to advise someone with mental health issues. It sounds like your pastor means well, and is attempting to guide you in experiencing the freedom that we have in Christ. Problem is, normal people, if they exist, are able to experience the spiritual transformations much more easily than I do. My suggestion is to try to be discreet in what you share on a personal level with the pastor.

My psychotherapist is not a Christian, but he is the most skilled psychologist I know in dealing with borderline personality and cognitive behavioral therapy. When I first started with him, I attended a more conservative, legalistic type church that was highly critical of mental health professionals, especially unbelievers. So, I prayed for the Lord to put a woman in my life to mentor/disciple me in my faith. I had no clue just how sick I was when I started therapy 19 years ago, but I knew I wanted to be a stable, Christian mother and wife. It took a few years for the Lord to put Ruth into my life, and boy did He bless me with the perfect Christian friend.

Ruth went to Bible college, and studied social work there. She led women's Bible studies at the second church we attended, and she and I met when I started teaching junior high Sunday School. Her unconditional love and compassion just flowed over me. When we developed the discipleship relationship, I told her, over time, every single thing there was to know about me. I told her about how awful I was as a sinner, and how I could not comprehend Jesus love for me because I had one X,Y, or Z sin the other day. Ruth never judged me for my lack of faith, or my sinful behavior. She would lovingly remind me that Jesus knew all about that sin when He went to the cross, and that He loved me so much, He willingly died for that sin too.

Over the years, she has repeatedly encouraged me to fill my mind with Truth and helped me to look back on episodes where I would sin as "falling for the lies of the enemy" rather than something to be condemned. She also encouraged me to make notecards with a scripture to meditate on, and carry it around to remind me of the Truth for the day. I would take those verse in the list from Neil Anderson, and just choose one and carry it, think about it, pray about it and ask God to help me believe it. Remember the story of the man who asked the Lord to heal his child. He said, "Lord, I believe. Help me in my unbelief." It's okay to tell God we lack the faith to believe His Word. That's why He sent us the Holy Spirit, to help us understand His Word and believe it. So, pray and ask God to help you learn and believe those Truths about you, one at a time, for as long as it takes.

Understand that this does not happen overnight. I met Ruth in 1993. She has been ministering to me for that long. I have not seen her in person since 1997, when she moved to Florida, but we e-mail regularly, and I call her about once a week or so. We do book studies long distance, and we pray for each other regularly. I am still in therapy with the same therapist I started with in 1989. Ruth prays for him when she knows I have an appointment, and she helps me process my sessions, either in e-mail or over the phone.

Sorry this is so long. I just felt led to encourage you. Developing faith takes time and I have not completely mastered it, but I can tell you that since the year 2000, I have gone through a painful divorce, gotten sober from alcoholism, been through graduate school, dealt with my son's heroin addiction, had gastric bypass surgery, and buried both of my brothers, one at the age of 40, the other just a year ago at the age of 56. I firmly believe I could not have dealt with all of that stress, trauma and tragedy if I did not have Ruth encouraging me, and allowing me to cry on her shoulder at times. It has not been perfect, in that I have recently completed bankruptcy proceedings, as well as I had a year of alcoholic relapse. But, God has been teaching me in those things as well, and Ruth has encouraged me to confess, repent and move on.

Hang in there.
Trish

This is all very helpful, thank you. And encouraging to know I'm not alone. Some of the other responses were very helpful too but I don't have time to respond to everything right now.

I just wanted to say that I've been thinking a lot about what you wrote about how since i have borderline personality disorder i have no sense of identity. my best friend asked me tonight, what's that like? i told her it's like i don't have a congruent picture of who i am. another main characteristic of borderline personality disorder is black and white thinking, right? flipping between two extremes and failing to see the middle ground. i have a hard time seeing who i am. i see these different parts of myself and it's like i can't put them together. the whole picture of myself is empty because i can't seem to fill it in. part of the time i hate myself, and think that i mess everything up and can't do things right. part of the time i think that i'm a decent person whose life is going pretty well right now, and has talents and friends and a decent job, etc. part of the time i think that i'm really weird and no one can relate to me because i'm just strange. part of the time i think that i'm so boring, other people are so interesting but my personality is just... blah. i can see, these beliefs are contradictory. but i can't seem to put them together and find the middle ground. so i really have no idea who i am. i think that's part of what makes these Identity in Christ statements so hard.

i think Laurie (Alive Again)'s advice about how she gradually combated her negative thoughts with the truths of Neil Anderson's book was very good, I think I need to start trying to do that. I'm definitely not going to change overnight, I've been struggling with this issue for many years now....

Lynne

 

[Jeshu]

This is all very helpful, thank you. And encouraging to know I'm not alone. Some of the other responses were very helpful too but I don't have time to respond to everything right now.

I just wanted to say that I've been thinking a lot about what you wrote about how since i have borderline personality disorder i have no sense of identity. my best friend asked me tonight, what's that like? i told her it's like i don't have a congruent picture of who i am. another main characteristic of borderline personality disorder is black and white thinking, right? flipping between two extremes and failing to see the middle ground. i have a hard time seeing who i am. i see these different parts of myself and it's like i can't put them together. the whole picture of myself is empty because i can't seem to fill it in. part of the time i hate myself, and think that i mess everything up and can't do things right. part of the time i think that i'm a decent person whose life is going pretty well right now, and has talents and friends and a decent job, etc. part of the time i think that i'm really weird and no one can relate to me because i'm just strange. part of the time i think that i'm so boring, other people are so interesting but my personality is just... blah. i can see, these beliefs are contradictory. but i can't seem to put them together and find the middle ground. so i really have no idea who i am. i think that's part of what makes these Identity in Christ statements so hard.

i think Laurie (Alive Again)'s advice about how she gradually combated her negative thoughts with the truths of Neil Anderson's book was very good, I think I need to start trying to do that. I'm definitely not going to change overnight, I've been struggling with this issue for many years now....

Lynne

Lynne, I relate to being many in one, I cycle in so many moods of being, always extreme personalities as well. From totally loving to utterly mad with rage, from hard working to someone who couldn't lift a finger for anyone, from someone intelligent to someone incredible stupid, from Christian to atheist and from high to bottomlessly low - e.t.c

In The End;

I loved God
I loved my neigbour
But I hated myself!


However this wasn't a problem to our Heavenly Father, He saved me in all my conflicting selves.

See the one in me who was a legalistic Christian died and was raised a Paul. The atheist in me fell down the bottomless pit and disappeared forever down from sight as did my doubting and fearful one. The loving one in me received kingship with Christ and those in me which had been imprisoned the Lord set free.

Honestly true where I once couldn't, now I can. Where I once hated life, now I adore Him and glory in His name. Where once I studied non-stop, now I learn without having to do anything. Where once the voice of reason rang now faith blows the trumpet and where once I didn't know, now I have seen the Light. Where once addiction ruled now I celebrate freedom to eat and where once my darkness ruled now the Sun of grace shines on me.

All because I let God's Word rule my thinking and repented of my walk with and in darkness. This freedom is there for you as well, the freedom to rule life instead of being ruled by it. To love and glory in good instead of being bondaged to wrong.

All wrong the Lord turns to right, buy burning wrongful spirit clean of our spirit and setting us free. While all that is right becomes better still and so the joy of God's salvation is my daily food. Inbelievable if you knew how stuck I have been with myself and hating poor old me to the max, yet all wickedness died and I lived, never will I allow Satan to rule me like so again.

And now I can cycle all I want, in all my moods love for God rules - finally after many years of struggle did I realise that God is love and if I wanted to benefit from Him and His Salvation I had to follow the way of Love and that is the Truth.

1 John 4:1-21 (NKJV)

1 Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits, whether they are of God; because many false prophets have gone out into the world.
2 By this you know the Spirit of God: Every spirit that confesses that Jesus Christ has come in the flesh is of God,
3 and every spirit that does not confess that Jesus Christ has come in the flesh is not of God. And this is the spirit of the Antichrist, which you have heard was coming, and is now already in the world.
4 You are of God, little children, and have overcome them, because He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world.
5 They are of the world. Therefore they speak as of the world, and the world hears them.
6 We are of God. He who knows God hears us; he who is not of God does not hear us. By this we know the spirit of truth and the spirit of error.
7 Beloved, let us love one another, for love is of God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God.
8 He who does not love does not know God, for God is love.
9 In this the love of God was manifested toward us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through Him.
10 In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins.
11 Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.
12 No one has seen God at any time. If we love one another, God abides in us, and His love has been perfected in us.
13 By this we know that we abide in Him, and He in us, because He has given us of His Spirit.
14 And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent the Son as Savior of the world.
15 Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God, God abides in him, and he in God.
16 And we have known and believed the love that God has for us. God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him.
17 Love has been perfected among us in this: that we may have boldness in the day of judgment; because as He is, so are we in this world.
18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.
19 We love Him because He first loved us.
20 If someone says, "I love God," and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen, how can he love God whom he has not seen?
21 And this commandment we have from Him: that he who loves God must love his brother also.​

 

[madison1101]

This is all very helpful, thank you. And encouraging to know I'm not alone. Some of the other responses were very helpful too but I don't have time to respond to everything right now.

I just wanted to say that I've been thinking a lot about what you wrote about how since i have borderline personality disorder i have no sense of identity. my best friend asked me tonight, what's that like? i told her it's like i don't have a congruent picture of who i am. another main characteristic of borderline personality disorder is black and white thinking, right? flipping between two extremes and failing to see the middle ground. i have a hard time seeing who i am. i see these different parts of myself and it's like i can't put them together. the whole picture of myself is empty because i can't seem to fill it in. part of the time i hate myself, and think that i mess everything up and can't do things right. part of the time i think that i'm a decent person whose life is going pretty well right now, and has talents and friends and a decent job, etc. part of the time i think that i'm really weird and no one can relate to me because i'm just strange. part of the time i think that i'm so boring, other people are so interesting but my personality is just... blah. i can see, these beliefs are contradictory. but i can't seem to put them together and find the middle ground. so i really have no idea who i am. i think that's part of what makes these Identity in Christ statements so hard.

i think Laurie (Alive Again)'s advice about how she gradually combated her negative thoughts with the truths of Neil Anderson's book was very good, I think I need to start trying to do that. I'm definitely not going to change overnight, I've been struggling with this issue for many years now....

Lynne

Hi there,
The lack of identity was very frightening for me when I went through my divorce. I had an identity as a wife and mother, but not as a single woman living alone. My kids all moved away, as adult kids are supposed to. Plus, I had a lot of guilt and shame about my parenting skills as well as my contribution to my divorce.

This is why it was so vitally important to rebuild myself from the inside out, using those statements from the Neil Anderson list.

Also, the black and white thinking was a part of my battle. God had a lot of work to do, but He was faithful and gave me a lot of support in helping me rebuke the lies of the devil when I was being deceived.

God bless. God honors our desire to be obedient, and trust Him. Our heart attitude is vitally important.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

Do you ever have it where you're thinking about something, and that one thing consumes you and it's all you can think about, casting a dark cloud over everything you do through the day... I'm sure everyone does at some point. That's how it's been for me lately. I'm generally a very open and honest person. Yet at the same time I'm very careful about what I share with people, partly because I know that some people would get overwhelmed by my problems and partly because I know that they might judge me and not understand. And at times it's hard for me to be honest with myself.

Well, anyways, I was very honest with my pastor recently, I shared with him how I struggle with such negative feelings towards myself, even self-hatred a lot of the time. I was explaining how I live my life and manage it. He was questioning whether I even believe in the Bible, since I have a hard time accepting God's love for me, that God has chosen me, that I am part of His kingdom, that I am blessed, etc. I don't know, it's just hard for me to believe such positive things about myself. I've struggled since I was a little girl with believing that I am unlovable. Those deep-seated beliefs don't change overnight.

He's telling me that I need to make a choice, between continuing in the unhealthy system I've created for my life, or embracing what God is trying to tell me. He lays things out for me so directly and bluntly that it takes me aback. I'm just feeling really overwhelmed right now. I want to change. I would like to get past all this junk I've always struggled with. But i don't know how exactly. I feel pulled in two different directions, part of me really wants to get better and part of me is still depressed and self-destructive. I feel so conflicted and tortured right now. I just want to go to sleep for a while and forget about this.

Anyone identify with any of this or have suggestions? Thanks.

Lynne

He has a point you know.. it's hard to believe our belief systems until we want to.. i'm not saying you want to feel that way.. but when you get to the point of accepting that there is a healthier way of believing and you see it as possible... then you might have the grace to start trying to retrain your thinking... but until your ready it's just a hard thing to do i think.

Yes, i think I can identify in some ways.

HB