Confession with OCD - again...

[Zoleee]

I have religious OCD which makes me so anxious that I will loose my salvation / I am afraid of sinning and I see sins in everywhere - even in clean things.

I converted to Catholic church half a year ago and it was awesome. But confession became a compulsion to me. At first it felt amazing after confession and it helped to understand what is sinful and what is not. But after a while it got
compulsive. I will explain why. My ocd nowadays is mainly unwanted thoughts. I had some conversations in an other anxiety group and they helped to understand it it totally OCD. For example while praying the rosary I got an unwanted thought that what if I am with the devil. It sounds really freaky, it is, but it is OCD. But sometimes I have these bad tboughts while Confessing. And it destroys me. I have talked with a priest about this and he said it is totally Ok to have bad thoughts because sin is always by will. (Deliberate consent.) But its so hard. Today I had my confession but while having it I had a thought like: praise the devil. I Know it was 100% ocd and I would never say anything like this because I gave my life to Christ. But it made me super anxious. I went out after confession and I havent felt better but much worse... I felt like okay you should go back and confess again. I just dont know what to do. I had similar and I felt compulsed to go to confession on the next day again. And back then my priest told me it is not good to go to confession too regularly. But I fert so bad I feel so sinful and I feel like if I dont go to confess again I will go to hell...

What should I do? Should I go to confession tomorrow? Should I feel forgiven? I feel so unsure and guilty. Oh and a more important question, do you think it was a mortal sin? Can I receive Communion? (It is really important to me because Communion helped a LOT)

I prayed about it, and I really do hope God sees my heart. I want to serve him this is all I want but having this kind of situations make me doubt myself. I question everything. What if it was by my will? What if I am really with the devil? I want to get rid of every bad thoughts, but it's so hard. People who havent experienced ocd cant really understand it. Fighting OCDish thoughts is one of the hardest things. Because if you fight them, more and more will come. I just hate the devil. You have to say, okay, I have these thoughts but it is NOT me it is totally my mental illness and God is good, His plans is bigger than my fears and will get me out of this.

So what would you do about the confession thing? Thanks and God bless.


Edit: Oh and one more thing. The devil is so bad. I feek having feelings like: You failed at confession, you should go and sin more and more. And: You are not forgiven so you should punish yourself more until you confess again. I keep having so bad feelings and lies and feel so far away from God.

 

[MikeK]

What you are describing is not sin. Please continue to discuss your OCD issues with your spiritual director and your primary care physician and trust their opinions.

 

[Zoleee]

What you are describing is not sin. Please continue to discuss your OCD issues with your spiritual director and your primary care physician and trust their opinions.

Thanks for replying. Confession had amazing effects one me. I could learn what is sinful, what is not, I could even repent from some sins! But this illness is trying to take all I have... Anyway t hanks once again.

 

[Winter]

Hi Zolee. I have a family member that has OCD and her life is a non-stop cycle of distress. Many times I've had to live with her OCD so I do have some understanding of what you're going through.

The fact that you are disturbed and distressed by having thoughts concerning the devil means you are not on his side, because if you really were on his side you wouldn't be anxious about it- in fact, you'd feel pretty neutral or happy about it. The fact that these thoughts about the devil are causing you distress means you love God and you're on His side. Remember that. And let me repeat it again for you: The fact that these thoughts about the devil are causing you distress means you love God and you're on His side.

Your situation is all about trust. With OCD there is no trust. There is only fear. Your battle is between fear and faith. Confession should give you peace, but your OCD is interrupting this. My suggestion is to not "feed" your OCD with compulsive confession because no matter how many times you go you will never be at peace. Confession should be something you do on a daily basis with God, but as long as you attend confession regularly (and God bless you for that because most Catholics struggle with this, you do a much better than job than most of us) - then that is enough for what you need right now. God knows you better than you know yourself. He knows you care. He knows you love Him. He knows how hard you try. He knows you suffer. He knows you are doing the best you can. Remember this:

OCD is not peace. Its fear.
God is love. He is bigger than your fear.
Trust in God's love. Don't trust your OCD thoughts.

I know its better said than done. But you are doing the best you can considering your circumstances. The fact that you recognize you have an OCD condition is the first step.

Saint Dymphna is the patron saint of anxiety and mental issues. Let her life be an inspiration and ask her to pray for you. Do not be afraid. There is nothing to be afraid of. I will keep you in my prayers.

 

[ahs]

What you are describing is not sin. Please continue to discuss your OCD issues with your spiritual director and your primary care physician and trust their opinions.

Yes. If your confessor (Priest) doesn't already know that you struggle with scrupulosity, tell him. Then follow his guidance and TRUST.

 

[Root of Jesse]

It might help to have a priest who has a background in psychology as a spiritual director, if you can find one. Spend time with him regularly, and don't make this priest your confessor. Also, have one priest you go to for confession, because he can help you through your difficulties.

 

[Zoleee]

Thank you for the help everyone.

One more question, do you think I can receive Communion this weekend? I had huge troubles about this issue too I always felt like I don't deserve it, even if I just confessed a few days ago.

 

[Winter]

Thank you for the help everyone.

One more question, do you think I can receive Communion this weekend? I had huge troubles about this issue too I always felt like I don't deserve it, even if I just confessed a few days ago.

Hi Zolee. I've been in that situation before. Go with what feels right for you. If you've confessed and were sincere then you need to have faith that the Lord has forgiven you. But if you feel anxious about this, especially in light of your OCD, then wait until you feel ready. You need to feel right and at peace about it. But a priest once told me that Communion has a way of healing, so be open to that possibility despite feeling like you don't deserve to. The Lord wants us to take Communion. There are some good books out there that explain Communion. I haven't read any but it may be worth looking into them to give you a better understanding.

 

[Davidnic]

My prayers for your peace of mind.

 

[Zoleee]

Thanks everyone.

Update: I confessed today again. Maybe it was a compulsion, but I needed to talk about my problems. I was really afraid I will have bad thoughts again. I had one when I started but that's all. I feel much better right now.