Concerns about my TTC Journey

[blythe_ann]

Hi everyone. My husband and I decided we were finally in a financial position to have children (as best as anyone can be at our age, anyway!) and my husband also finally decided that he is ready to be a daddy (again, as best as anyone can be "ready" before actually being one), which was a struggle.
Anyway, as with every couple, we have some unique circumstances that come with us, and I was hoping to get a little guidance and prayer on the whole situation. I want to put this all delicately, I hope I don't offend anyone in the process.
After trying two different pills in a six month period, I concluded it just wasn't for me, and other forms of female birth control were not my cup of tea. My husband (who is AMAZING) and I decided something pretty drastic for the first 2 years of our marriage because of the financial position we were in (and being newly weds). We were still going to enjoy each other, but less often and with protection.
While I may just be completely strange, I have grown accustomed to this protection, and I don't like being without it. So... TTC is difficult, because while my heart longs for a child, my body almost recoils at trying. I don't like the mess.
So while we've been trying for only two months, I feel it may never happen, as my desire to try, without the protection, is next to none.
The other "issue" I guess you could call it, is something I've recently discovered as a problem.
At 10 years old I suffered from a lot of sinus infections, but a doctor insisted it was a bladder infection and that I should have a camera procedure to make sure. Very long story short, the sleeping medication didn't work and there were far too many interns in the room. Without detail it might sound silly, but it was traumatizing and has effected both my marriage (only in the slightest) and my relationship with doctors and appointments that deal with anything below the belly button.
I don't think it will be that big of a deal, though I know I will insist on a female doctor and explain my history so maybe to prevent having too many people around. But I'm worried that maybe it'll be so stressful that I will have no joy in my pregnancy, but only fear.
Is this all just silly sounding or what? Maybe someone else has some similar fears or some encouraging words?
Thank you.

*Mods, if I have this in the wrong place I'm so sorry, I'm still new!*

 

[1Sam24:12]

Hi Blythe! You have a very unique situation. I see that most of your issues with this are mainly from psychological trauma from what you went through as well as issues with the act of marital relations w/out some sort of barrier from fluids. Am I right?
I don't know what kind of advice to give you. You can't get pregnant without seed being sown... Know what I mean? I will pray for you to overcome these issues and to have peace.
Romans 8:15
For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father.

 

[blythe_ann]

thank you, twinkie. I wasn't really expecting much advice (I mean, I know what needs to happen in order for things to work... you can't really alter that!), but thank you for the encouraging words and the verse. I really just needed a place to open up about my fears, other than with my husband, who has heard them before.
Thanks again

 

[1Sam24:12]

You're welcome, Blythe! There are many great people on here that understand those kinds of fears. Having a baby and doing all you can to get there can be wonderful and frightening all at the same time. Vent away, Sweetie! That's what we're here for!

 

[aunt_kelly]

I completely understand some of your fears! Letting down all of the barriers *pun intended* can be very difficult. You're lucky to have a husband that is on your side and that you can talk to this stuff about, because some women don't! I pray that you are able to set aside some of your reservations and are able to enjoy the process of TTC, being with your husband and give your fears to God about the doctors.

 

[blythe_ann]

Thank you, ladies, I truly appreciate the encouragement. My husband is very patient and understanding, so I feel very blessed, but sometimes I wonder if I'm being a bad wife, or if I'm the only person with these issues! It's nice to have a place to "let it out" sometimes.
Thanks again! Bless you both!

 

[Maharg]

Hello there,

I had similar issues myself. Regarding the mess, it could be part of the whole intimacy and letting your guard down thing (it may not be but I think it was with me). The best thing with that is to pray very specifically about it, for God to help you to feel comfortable with it, and even to welcome it. I know it sounds impossible to welcome it, but I have managed through prayer to do this to an extent.

In terms of the whole examination thing, I had a similar but less traumatic experience with a doctor myself when I was about 16. What healed me of it was actually having another examination with a nurse who was much much kinder before I got pregnant with my first daughter. I explained to her that I was nervous and that I had had a very negative experience at the age of 16 and she was so kind and reassuring that it seemed to heal the first experience. I still found examinations challenging but have learned how to relax which makes them less uncomfortable physically and mentally.

I will pray that God will help you with this, and may He bless you abundantly.

With love,

Maharg

 

[xDenax]

Okay, first I want to ask if you have been to the gynocologist/midwife? I am assuming that you have and your fear is that when you give birth there will just be way too many people in the room? Or...do you get really anxious even with just your gynecologist in the room with you now?

Either way, when you give birth it's YOUR choice of who is in the room, what goes on in that room, how it happens and who gets to see it. When you are uncomfortable, make it known and your husband's job is to make sure they adhere to your wishes. If you are nervous about the process I would consider a birthing center instead. Or...do it at home where you are really in charge.

 

[blythe_ann]

Maharg, I really believe it has something to do with the letting your guard down thing. Both with my medical past and just being one of those people who had no interest in the sexual aspect of dating (because I knew it was wrong) and then suddenly saying "yes" was a challenge for me, and I still feel uncomfortable sometimes. And thank you for your response, it sounds like we have had similar situations, at least a little anyway. I appreciate your encouragement. And yes, I've been praying diligently for 3 years, but I will be patient on the Lord. And I found a female doctor here in town who I plan on discussing things with.
xDenax, thank you for your encouragement as well. I have been to a gyn. but I am one of those bad women who have only gone a couple of times (once before I was married and once afterwards), and I HATED it both times. I actually had my husband make the appointment without me knowing when, so I couldn't worry about it.
Thank you for reassuring me that I can decide who is in the room. A major part of the experience when I was younger were all of the people, some taking notes (interns) and being that very private area. So thank you, and my husband knows all of these fears and has promised to be my "voice". As few people as possible in the room!
But, first I have to get pregnant! Which who knows when that will happen with the protection issue-- just once a week or so would we be able to "try". So we'll see.
It's strange when the Lord puts something in our hearts and makes us desire them so much. I know that even if I am unable to get pregnant for some reason that this happened for my good and I am learning to accept my body and trust my husband physically.
Thanks ladies! Much love and blessings to you all.