Compulsive lying has been problem of mine for a long time and I recognize it is a major problem that I have. Not only is it a major sin, no matter how small the lie is. It is also destroying my relationship with my wife. I am trying to fix this problem, I may need to see a therapist, but I can’t afford to see a professional therapist. I am willing to do anything it takes to work on this problem. I love being Christian and I don’t want to lose my family. I was wondering if anyone can offer any advice.
Thanks
Chad
My husband used to lie to me all the time. The problem with this was that once I found one lie, I did not know any longer what to believe; broken trust doesn't take away one bit of our personal integrity; it takes it all. If any of us tries to think of people we admire, whether in public life or among our friends, the ones at the top of the list will be those who are always truthful, always honest, and who have integrity. If you know someone like that, then think of them as a role model; follow their example.
I commend you for owning up to this one, and for trying to find a way to remedy it. A certain amount of emphasising one side of ourselves while minimising another is something we probably all do without realising it, and perhaps it can become a habit. We all have a self image that we want the world to buy into, so that they do not realise exactly how flawed we are; none of us goes around telling everyone everything, and nobody would like it if we did. But integrity is important; how can anyone take us at our word if our word means nothing? In the end our reputation depends on our word being as sound and as good as we can possibly make it. This is important.
I think at the heart of this matter is very fragile self esteem; we think we are not interesting enough, or not special enough, and that the truth is not sufficient. It has to be embellished. In fact the truth is the most beautiful thing about any person, and embellishing it is pointless; it detracts from their inner integrity and honesty, and will prove ultimately unsustainable.
I think it is a matter of balance. It may not matter if the person at the supermarket thinks you are a stockbroker when you actually work in a garage, because it may not matter to you to lose their good opinion when they find out that they have been deceived. It matters a lot if you tell your wife you were at work when really you were playing golf. If you lie to her on this point, how can she ever know that you are telling the truth? Do you even know what truth is? I am sorry to say my husband did not know; he thought that what mattered was to tell me what I wanted to hear. So he told me what I wanted to hear, and told other people what they wanted to hear, and ended up telling so many different versions of reality he did not know what reality was. This is no way to live.
So I think if I were you I would work at being honest with everyone, but most especially with your wife; make a point of never lying to her, and if you do lie, own up as soon as you realise that it has happened. I think I would use a signal, because it is very hard to put this into words. Perhaps have a vase or an ornament of some kind, which you will move to a different place when you have not been honest. Then she will know to talk to you about this.
I think if we can achieve honesty with our spouse, with our children and with our minister, the rest will fall into place by itself. I would concentrate first of all on these relationships. And I am sorry to say, you will have to leave your parents to their own lives; you can only change yourself, not them.
I wish you well.
