Compulsion to Apologize

[LaundrySoap]

Hi all.
I broke up with my ex on May 13th. I've been thinking lately about how he's told me he'd gone to other people asking for advice on our relationship, and how I'm pretty sure he's told people about a bad thought I confessed to him. A few times, we went "pretty far," physically, but not all the way. And I'd had the thought of "baby trapping" him--if he got me pregnant, he'd have to stay with me. This happened a few times, and each time I remorsefully confessed or later apologized to it (first time I told him I'd had the thought, and then another time he asked if I'd had the thought).

I can practically hear the words "she's crazy," or "she's a psycho." If he told his current girlfriend about it, I feel like that would be her conclusion. I don't know who he told, or what people think, or what HE even thinks of me now. I know when we were going through the breakup, he asked our friends to make sure I knew I wasn't alone. He refused to hang out with me because he didn't want his feelings coming back--which tells me there was still something there.

All that to say is, I want to email him and apologize. Even though he's made it more or less cleat that we're not to be talking anymore. And regardless, the damage has been done if I apologize; he may have already told people. I know I'd have the same thought if someone told me, "she's crazy and you dodged a bullet." He's a very forgiving person, but I worry that his opinion of me has changed after being away from me. And I worry about what others think.

I confessed the baby trap thoughts probably out of compulsion. I needed him to know that I'd had these terrible thoughts and motives. Maybe I didn't need to even share them with him. But I did, and maybe he'd say it's a good thing I did. All I know is, I sunk horribly low in our relationship. I was the worst version of myself. And there's no fixing whatever people might think of me.

 

[eleos1954]

Hi all.
I broke up with my ex on May 13th. I've been thinking lately about how he's told me he'd gone to other people asking for advice on our relationship, and how I'm pretty sure he's told people about a bad thought I confessed to him. A few times, we went "pretty far," physically, but not all the way. And I'd had the thought of "baby trapping" him--if he got me pregnant, he'd have to stay with me. This happened a few times, and each time I remorsefully confessed or later apologized to it (first time I told him I'd had the thought, and then another time he asked if I'd had the thought).

I can practically hear the words "she's crazy," or "she's a psycho." If he told his current girlfriend about it, I feel like that would be her conclusion. I don't know who he told, or what people think, or what HE even thinks of me now. I know when we were going through the breakup, he asked our friends to make sure I knew I wasn't alone. He refused to hang out with me because he didn't want his feelings coming back--which tells me there was still something there.

All that to say is, I want to email him and apologize. Even though he's made it more or less cleat that we're not to be talking anymore. And regardless, the damage has been done if I apologize; he may have already told people. I know I'd have the same thought if someone told me, "she's crazy and you dodged a bullet." He's a very forgiving person, but I worry that his opinion of me has changed after being away from me. And I worry about what others think.

I confessed the baby trap thoughts probably out of compulsion. I needed him to know that I'd had these terrible thoughts and motives. Maybe I didn't need to even share them with him. But I did, and maybe he'd say it's a good thing I did. All I know is, I sunk horribly low in our relationship. I was the worst version of myself. And there's no fixing whatever people might think of me.

we sometimes have bizarre and even evil thoughts .... your thoughts belong to you and you are not required to confess them to anyone other than Jesus. You did not act on your thoughts .... I would bet if your boyfriend would share all of his private thoughts with you and if he was honest .... there would be things he thought that if he told you (and/or others) would be considered very bizarre/crazy and/or perhaps even sinful.

In His word ... when it talks about confessing to one another .... that's when you have committed an offense towards someone (an actual act). Only Jesus can help us change our thoughts and all of us need His help with that.

When one has "bad thoughts", go to prayer and ask the Lord to remove them from you ..... telling any "human" has no hope of doing this ... in fact (as you found out) can cause devastation in relationships.

We humans are judgmental .... Jesus is forgiving and is trust worthy ... confess to Him.

 

[LaundrySoap]

we sometimes have bizarre and even evil thoughts .... your thoughts belong to you and you are not required to confess them to anyone other than Jesus. You did not act on your thoughts .... I would bet if your boyfriend would share all of his private thoughts with you and if he was honest .... there would be things he thought that if he told you (and/or others) would be considered very bizarre/crazy and/or perhaps even sinful.

In His word ... when it talks about confessing to one another .... that's when you have committed an offense towards someone (an actual act). Only Jesus can help us change our thoughts and all of us need His help with that.

When one has "bad thoughts", go to prayer and ask the Lord to remove them from you ..... telling any "human" has no hope of doing this ... in fact (as you found out) can cause devastation in relationships.

We humans are judgmental .... Jesus is forgiving and is trust worthy ... confess to Him.

Technically I DID act on my thoughts; I did stuff with him that, while extremely slim, still had a tiny possibility of getting me pregnant. He knew it was pretty much impossible, but he was more concerned with the motives for my actions. Idk, he stayed with me for a long, long time after the second to last incident, and we hadn't really had an incident for a long time. And then we had another time, right before we broke up, where we'd gone pretty far and I'd had the bad thought/motives. I confessed it to him, but when we broke up he told me it was because I was always stressing about something and always bringing something up (a problem with him most of the time). I don't know if he even remembers I mentioned the baby trap thing.

But again, if i could go back, I'm not sure I even needed to confess those thoughts to him. But I did, and now it's out there, and I have no idea who he told or who knows. I wonder who's thinking bad things about me, who's talking about me behind my back, etc.