Complicated issue - between God and a woman

[Michael3]

I have met this girl. We hit things off right away. She is a strong devoted Christian woman. She has helped me so much, in such a small amount of time. I think we have only known each other about 2 weeks now.

I have always struggled with Social Anxiety Disorder, and I have been praying for years for someone like her to come along. I feel God has brought us together. We were both looking, and found each other at nearly the same time.

Maybe this is hard to understand, but I have never had a real friend before. I have never had someone who asks what you are doing, how you are doing, etc on a daily basis. The closest friends I have had is, "Hey whats up.." and that would be pretty much it. Not only has she encouraged me to get through my social anxiety, but she is really there for me and she really cares.


Here is my problem - One night after talking to her, I felt this strong urge to tell her how I felt about her. I know one of the major mistakes in a relationship, is telling a girl your feelings too early. The funny thing was, I had no worry or doubt about this. I sat there thinking about speaking to her, for nearly 20 mins. During this time, I felt calm and a little emotional, but overall if simply felt like it should be done. I prayed about this, and it felt that God instructed me to do this. I wrote out everything, because I am bad when it comes to phone conversations. I read my bible, and prayed again, about when I should send this. Just as I was getting comfortable, I felt God had told me "tell her now" I got up and I did not expect it to be THIS soon. I almost though, what if this is the devil? I said to myself. "I believe in the Lord Jesus Christ, and I will only obey him".. a few seconds later I felt him say "Then obey me!" It was not an angry voice, but it felt like I had to do this now. So I went and sent the message.

The next day, she gets the message. I was worried it would scare her. When you tell a girl your feelings too early, even when it does not involve mentioning that you like her, it can and usually will freak her out. Things have been a little slow for us after that. I told her God wanted me to tell her this, and that I was sure of it.

I feel almost like, I let her down. I know I was doing what God told me, but I think I went too far in my letter. It is so hard to just trust what God told me to do. I want to do what God wanted - it did feel like I had to choose who was more important, God or her and of course I chose God. I feel like a fool, when I mentioned starting a relationship with her. I just feel I could have toned down the letter a bit. I feel like I should trust God, and I shouldn't even concern myself about how our friendship could be damaged, or awkward.

I really need some advice, on what to focus on. I know God wanted me to do this for a reason. I don't understand why, and maybe that is the point and I shouldn't try to understand. All I know is, I want to keep the friendship that we had and still obey God and lean on him.

The key issue is, while doing this I felt 100% confident. After, I felt doubt and fear that she may never think the same about me again. I feel I might have screwed up a little with the details. I'm afraid to talk to her about this any further, because I feel I have done enough, and made things confusing for her in such a difficult time in her life. Things were going great, and we were hinting around to that "I like you" stage. Now that I thrown out my feelings early, I feel I have ruined that mystery for her.

P.S. After this has happened, I have been experiencing weird things in my life - I feel like God is tapping me on the shoulder. I have thanked him for these things, and I can't help but to feel bad for not trusting in him 100%. I try so hard, but still I am afraid I have let him down.

 

[Styxnpicks]

you gotta take risks sometimes brother. men initiate. women respond. wait for her response.

 

[RobinRedbreast]

Talk to her about it! Communicate. Ask her how she feels. Contrary to the above poster's "men initiate / women respond" comment, I believe strongly in the workings of honesty and communication. If you want to know what she thinks, truly, in her heart, about what you've said to her? Ask her. It's what I would want someone to do for me.

I also have a severe anxiety disorder, so I know how that goes, but you can't let that interfere with your ability to develop good communication skills. It's key for the success of any relationship, even ones in the early stages.


You said things have been moving slow since that point, I'm just curious what your expectations are? You obviously have some basic expectations in place, since in order to say "things are moving slow" you'd need something to compare it to. So what are your current expectations, and how has the situation not met up with them?

Answer that, and we'll go from there.

 

[O_Sky20]

My current situation is almost exactly the same. I met this girl and am 100% sure God wants me to be with her, so I finally confessed to her all of my feelings in an online message. Even though I was certain that is what God wanted me to do, I started thinking about how SHE felt and wondered if maybe I was being too honest and fast about it.

So to answer your question.. much like I should do with my girl.. I believe you should initiate a conversation with her to find out what she's thinking. Also, it might seem hard but here's a verse you should always remember:
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

Things may not always make sense to our human minds, but God knows best so we should trust in Him regardless.

Edit: I did not know that the woman you are pursuing was still married (but separated), so that might complicate things a bit.

 

[Michael3]

Talk to her about it! Communicate. Ask her how she feels. Contrary to the above poster's "men initiate / women respond" comment, I believe strongly in the workings of honesty and communication. If you want to know what she thinks, truly, in her heart, about what you've said to her? Ask her. It's what I would want someone to do for me.

I also have a severe anxiety disorder, so I know how that goes, but you can't let that interfere with your ability to develop good communication skills. It's key for the success of any relationship, even ones in the early stages.


You said things have been moving slow since that point, I'm just curious what your expectations are? You obviously have some basic expectations in place, since in order to say "things are moving slow" you'd need something to compare it to. So what are your current expectations, and how has the situation not met up with them?

Answer that, and we'll go from there.

The most she has said so far, is that she was a "little scared". The only thing she has mentioned so far, on the phone, is that she hasn't been able to call me due to work, and it was not email related to the other night.

If she does tell me how else she feels, I am not sure how to respond to that. I think we both feel rushed. I just hate how, she mentioned visiting me the first chance she got. She said she would definitely, and not just a wishful thinking kind of thing. I hope I have not turned her off on that, and honestly I am afraid to ask or push the idea.

Things are slow, because we don't talk as much. We used to send emails back and forth no matter if she was working or not. We used to talk every night on the phone too, but I can't really blame the night I dropped my feelings on her, for all of this. Before I told her my feelings, things have slowed down. It is mostly her job, but her emails got much shorter in length, and much less. Maybe it is fair to say, that all beginning relationships will go through that boost, then they die down to normal? Plus, her attitude has changed before all this - she was all for her divorce and moving on with someone who loves her, then she has second thoughts, and talks about just being alone her whole life possibly. She wants to do what God wants, and is putting her happiness well behind her. She promised it was not me, and said that things have just been overwhelming her. I know she has trouble financially and with her marriage.

She is separated, and leaning toward divorce. This has been bothering her lately, and a few nights she had to talk about it. Her husband did not want to accept her, after she was saved. He basically did not want any part of God, and it sounds like he wants no part in their daughter. She is not sure what to do, and is searching for what to do. This is all besides the point, but it gives you an idea of her situation.

Thank you guys so much. I didn't expect help this quick, and I didn't expect such positive feedback. This helps me out a lot.

 

[RobinRedbreast]

WHOA! Wait, wait... how did I miss that "separated" thing in the first post, did you write about it earlier? I must have missed it.

I'm divorced. I'm re-married. I also dated my now-husband while I was separated. But here's the difference between myself, and this girl you are talking about: I was 110% sure of my divorce with no question, but due to the laws in my area I could only proceed so fast with the paperwork. Had it been up to me, I would have been divorced the day I got separated, but instead I had to wait 1 entire year before I could even file.

This girl you're talking about, is leaning toward a divorce? Are you kidding me? Let her be! She needs to get her head on straight and figure her life out! That fact alone makes me think that it was not God that told you to express your feelings to this woman, it was just your own mind or your imagination, it happens a lot.

Does she still live with this guy? I mean... you can't tell some girl that you have feelings for them when she hasn't even figured out if her first marriage is even over yet! What are you thinking! God did NOT tell you to do that! And I very rarely assume what God tells anyone, that's for sure.

Of course she's scared! She must be petrified and lost, she does not need you offering up a relationship right now, she needs... space... and time... and God. But not you and your feelings for her.


Red flags. Red flags everywhere. And warning bells, and alarms, and security guards running out tackling you to the ground shouting "HANDS BEHIND YOUR BACK" -- the whole shabang. Stop what you're doing, and turn around, and walk in the opposite direction.

 

[latteda]

Red flags. Red flags everywhere. And warning bells, and alarms, and security guards running out tackling you to the ground shouting "HANDS BEHIND YOUR BACK" -- the whole shabang. Stop what you're doing, and turn around, and walk in the opposite direction.

 

[Michael3]

In my defense, she was looking for someone and in her own mind she was divorced. She even called the guy her ex husband, or else I would have never talked to her like I did. After a while, she said she had divorce papers, but she didnt' know if it was worth the fee and the headache.

It is a little insulting, because I put a lot of effort into asking God if this is what he wanted. I really don't think this is my own crazy mind. I never liked rushing into things. I am not desperate for a love mate, just a friend so why would I ruin this?

I guess now that I think about it, it is not fair to me. Here I am thinking she was divorced, and then later on almost divorced and now.. maybe not at all? I don't see how I have become the bad guy all of a sudden. This is so frustrating.

I guess I should not talk to her if that's what you suggest. I am not trying to and I never did try to talk her into getting a divorce. I don't want to get between her and God. I am really lost now.

P.S. She does not live with the guy. They only speak once a week, about their daughter who is ill. To me it sounds like a divorce, without the legal work. It sounds like it would take a miracle for them to get back.

Actually, I am really insulted. I've done my best here. I've done what I felt was right, and what I felt God has told me to do. Sounds a little sexist here, when I am the bad guy all of a sudden. I told nothing but the truth up front, while I got 99% of the truth. Poor her, well poor me as well. I never told her I loved her. The most I said was, one day if I had the chance I would like to see how things go. I'm not a wife thief.

Actually, I apologize for getting so angy. This topic was not about marriage at all, it was about my trust in God. I don't really feel the details of her marriage or divorce is any of our business. It might be, if I wanted to get with her right away, which I do not. I just feel I may have damaged our friendship, and maybe now I have ruined that.

 

[RobinRedbreast]

Honestly, I don't mean to be insulting about the whole "God didn't say this to you" dealy, I promise It's just that if you think about it, really think about it, do you really think God would say to someone "Hey, yeah that marriage institution thing, I know I created it and all to be forever, but she's thinking about just letting it go and you should really just jump right in there before she's made any final decisions and give it your best shot." Even just looking at it logically, rather than religiously, would God really break His own institution and give you the green light to move in? You're right though, I have no idea what God told you.

I just want you to think about it carefully and perhaps re-assess if what you heard came from Him, or came from the inner workings of your mind. And know that if it is the latter, it is common, and you are not alone.

You have got to step back. You need to let her figure out her life. If at all possible, reonciliation with her husband, but if in the case a divorce must happen, she still needs time to decide that and let herself heal.

I know that "it sounds like a divorce" to you, but at the end of the day, it's not.

Stand down.


On a side note, no it's not fair to you By the sounds of it, she made it sound like she was surely divorced or going ot be divorced, and then sorta divorced, and then... "maybe I'm not sure" divorced. That's hard on you too. I don't want you to think that I'm completely disregarding you in all this. You're hurting. I know.

But I don't think God rushes things that shouldn't be rushed. And this whole thing, is not only moving way too fast for everyone involved in my opinion (as an outsider looking in), but it's moving in a way that doesn't even seem like God would be behind it.

Just.. stand down, I think I know the whole situation is very messed up, but that's just yet another reason to take some steps back here. Under normal circumstnaces, I'd suggest being there as her friend in this difficult time, but... because you sort of professed your love for her (well, maybe not that much, but you expressed an interest and told her your feelings), it puts you in a really awkward position to continue supporting her in a platonic fashion and in a fashion that won't continue to confuse her.

Due to the circumstances, my recommendation is definitely that you perhaps need to sever contact for the good of all parties

 

[Michael3]

I don't feel I have broken any laws here. The point is, I expressed feelings to another human being too soon. Doesn't make sense that I should just give up everything. I doubt my presence is going to interfere with her marriage/divorce. If that is the case, she should drop all of her guy friends? It just doesn't make sense to me and to be so judgmental or cautious toward marriage.

I really hate discussing marriage/divorce because it becomes very taboo to some Christians. I regret bringing it up.

 

[RobinRedbreast]

As a divorced and remarried person, who dated while separated, I'm certainly not considering the subject taboo by far.

What I'm telling you is that if you respect this woman, you'll let her fix her life first and not put any outside pressure on her in the slightest, this includes looming "I really kinda like you" stuff from people around her.

But you didn't want to hear that. What you wanted to hear was "It is 110% ok to do what you're doing, you're 100% right and everything is going to be 100% fine, you go for it." You wanted validation. But I can't give you validation. I can only give you good and decent advice. I'm sorry that it didn't coincide with what you wanted to hear, and that you don't enjoy the advice I've given. At the end of the day, you can choose to just throw it away without a second though

Good luck! /unsub

 

[Michael3]

As a divorced and remarried person, who dated while separated, I'm certainly not considering the subject taboo by far.

What I'm telling you is that if you respect this woman, you'll let her fix her life first and not put any outside pressure on her in the slightest, this includes looming "I really kinda like you" stuff from people around her.

But you didn't want to hear that. What you wanted to hear was "It is 110% ok to do what you're doing, you're 100% right and everything is going to be 100% fine, you go for it." You wanted validation. But I can't give you validation. I can only give you good and decent advice. I'm sorry that it didn't coincide with what you wanted to hear, and that you don't enjoy the advice I've given. At the end of the day, you can choose to just throw it away without a second though

Good luck! /unsub

In bold is totally incorrect, and that is not fair to say. I don't think you understand. You make me sound like a selfish 14 year old. Seeing how you have just small details, I don't think it's fair to blame me as some form of sabotage, and then say I don't want to listen?

I only wanted help, leaning on God. I appreciate that advice. If I wanted to know if it's ok to try and flirt with or marry this woman, I would have told you the entire story then ask you this specificly, but this was not my motive at all. I know well enough not to go after a married, partial married, or even a woman who has divorced incorrectly.

My goal here is friendship, and I just slipped up a little. It's not easy to tell a woman how much you care for her as a friend, and not make it sound like you want to "get with her". At the same time you don't want to say, "I want to be friends, and nothing more" I'm strictly in this for friendship. I pretty much tried to juggle these three things, and made myself look 2/3 of a fool.

Also God never told me to hit on her. He wanted me to explain to her how I felt, and like I said I went too far.

 

[rhymzangel01]

This topic was not about marriage at all, it was about my trust in God.

To just quote that part and go off of that. I am in a similar but better position. I have been the person who believes in God and yet did not act on it. My boyfriend and I met thru his best friend's boyfriend. I was kiddingly saying how much I wanted a good guy in my life. (And I was already talking with a guy about dating him.) Well he jokingly said back about his friend Tyler would be good for me. His Girlfriend (my boyfriends best friend) kept looking at me with this look on her face, like she was trying to figure something out. She then stated "I know someone who is perfect for you." Her boyfriend looked at her confused and she just said, "Justin" He looked at me and then smiled asking if I could be at the mall the next day. I had no clue what was going on or what had happened. Needless to say I felt a push to say ok I will go. And I did and I met the one in my life that I know I will be with me until the end of time. And we have known each other for a little over a month.

My trust in God was not only tested that day but strengthened within that week. He was the one who got me to go back to church renew my relationship with God and basically change my bad habits into good ones.

 

[SelfProtect]

What do you call a woman the day before her divorce is final?...

MARRIED!

Married people ESPECIALLY should not have friendships with the opposite sex when their marriage is in trouble.

 

[Kimmip]

I am sorry you are in this predicament. It seems you really do try and seek God in what you do. In my advice, I think praying for her marriage and for God to help it would actually be the best. God may have been urging you to reveal your emotions simply to teach you something and her something as well. Maybe she really doesn't want a divorce? I know it's expensive but if people really want it they will go after it.

I mean this with love and I feel it very unwise to pursue her while she is still in her marriage. That's adultury and causing her to sin. I hate to preach here, esp to a man but no one else is stepping up that what you are doing is sin. Hang in there. Pray. You are a godly man, really choose God.

 

[Bootstrap]

I think you're clearly trying to do what is right, seeking God in that, and asking advice. Good for you!

To me, the most important issue is that she has to resolve her marriage, knowing for certain that there is no chance to save it and that she sees no possibility of going back.

After that, there's a period where people ending a marriage or strong romantic attachment are a little crazy, and generally much less able to think straight and use good judgement than they would normally be. This is a *bad* time to get involved, and a reason that most rebound relationships fail. There's a great book called "Crazy Time" that talks about this time in detail, and I suggest you look at it before making any moves. Until she is well past this time, she needs supportive, prayerful friends, not another romance. If you really feel God is calling you to be one of these friends, go prayerfully and carefully, and realize that romance at this point is a Really Bad Idea. I've gone through this Crazy Time myself when my marriage of 23 years ended.

Sometimes a divorce can be complex and take a very long time. I don't think it's always wrong to date someone who is separated an d clearly divorcing, but whose divorce is not finalized, but this should definitely raise some red flags. In your case, it sounds like everything is really fresh for her, and there's not a lot of question that it would be wrong.

Blessings to you and to her.

Jonathan

 

[Bootstrap]

One more thought. I was thinking about this:

Maybe this is hard to understand, but I have never had a real friend before

I think this is true for a lot more people, especially American men, than we like to think.

But a friendship with this woman is particularly complex, and I find being open with other friends and confidants helps keep me honest.

And to me, starting your first romance before you've had your first friend is kind of dangerous. Partly because your friends are the people you turn to for prayer, wisdom, and support when you try to figure the rest of this out. A person without friends is much less wise. And even though you clearly want to be her friend and nothing more right now (judging by the emails after the first one), that's often hard to do, and you'll probably need friends to be accountable to to pull that off.

Jonathan