Communication

[Autumnleaf]

I think men communicate just fine until they learn their wives are unwilling to meet their needs regardless of how they ask. Then communication dwindles and women are left with men who don't see much reason for communicating with their spouses. I've seen the opposite too. When a woman meets her man's need for respect and sex he talks with her as often as she likes and he becomes more outgoing and charming as it pertains to meeting her desires.

 

[Chaplain David]

I would slightly disagree, split hairs...maybe....nevertheless....to talk of the person trying to listen and understand being paramount is sort of the conventional wisdom that Im saying can create so many problems. The speaker should share the burden, and if they can adjust their manner of speaking to accommodate the listener just a little it goes a long way.

See the conventional wisdom is the men are bad listeners, we just "dont get it"....yet men have designed and built the most complicated things, computers and space stations and robots and such, and these are PRECISE things. A communication issue would definitely show up. The do fine....ruthless efficiency, to borrow from Monty Python....well, why not keep that in mind a little, respect it as a valid and useful and equally legit mode of communication, and put half the pressure on the speaker and the other half on the listener....thats REAL communication across genre and gender

Nothing wrong with spitting a hair or two. It's impossible to put everything in about a subject in a three paragraph post. The point that some believe men are bad listeners is not something I necessarily agree with. I agree more with the dynamics change on a case by case basis. As far as who needs to listen to whom, it can be either spouse. Communication is sometimes difficult. Look at the problems we sometimes have in some of our threads, or between posters. If I'm debating or discussing I normally don't go into too many "you" type sentences but in this, saying you I find totally acceptable. For example, I bet you've experienced the feeling of "not being heard" and the intimacy that comes from feeling like one is heard, understood, and agreement is reached. The onus is definitely on both parties. When communication is grounded in Christ's love, which is at the core of our Faith, we can achieve real progress. God bless.

 

[JRSut1000]

I totally disagree with the idea that men are usually at fault for communication problems. I think women can definitely be just as at fault. Although nagging IS a form of communication, it certainly isn't a good one. Don't ask me how I know that one! lol

 

[McScribe]

It is fair enough to say that it can go both ways and that both genders may need to overcome communication difficulties, but on this forum this is frankly fiercely resisted as an idea and presented in such terms as to make it almost impossible to discuss. No one wants the women to say it's all their fault either, just to admit that it is mutual.

 

[chaz345]

I recently talked to a friend of mine who is a marriage counselor. He told me that if communication is a major issue in a marriage it is almost always the men's fault since women are hardwired to be communicators and men are doers. He told me that even in his own marriage, he has to consiciously decide to be a communicator even after over 20 years of marriage. What do you people think?

I think that its a huge pile of what comes out of the north end of a southbound horse. Women are not inherently better at communicating than men, they are better at communiating in the way that women communicate than men are

 

[dinonum]

a

 

[dinonum]

b

 

[Conservativation]

FYI, this isn't accurate at all. I've heard almost my entire life how women are poor communicators and basically how they always communicate indirectly with their words. The problem is that there is a focus on gender at all. If we just moved on from the way that people have been taught to communicate and started anew with training up children to just plain and simple - be good communicators, I think the issues would greatly ease.

Some men don't get it. Some women don't get it. For different reasons, but I'd say that most are arguably about one's upbringing rather than how they were born.

May I demonstrate?

You somehow think that your life details are relevant in saying that this post isn't accurate. truly, literally, my post would have had to be limited ONLY to YOU and YOUR LIFE for your refutation to be true.

Lets check the "communication about concepts by refuting them with anecdotes" thing at the door please, because it honestly never fails to derail.

The post may have some opinion and some fact...my post I mean....Im not going back and analysing it, but it doesnt fall under "this isnt right at all" comment to be sure. it DOES in the way you are perceiving it. One of the greatest barriers to communication, especially in a group of strangers, is the inability to discuss anything that doesn't perfectly align with a persons life. The filter to see the world through INCLUDES our lives, but it isnt SOLELY our lives, and this tendency really is toxic to group discussion.

Im sorry to pick on you, but the topic is communication and this is an area that could clear off pages and pages of needless bicker posts if this one simple truth could be realized.

 

[Conservativation]

It is definitely mutual.

My husband and I grew up in very different homes. My sister is a poor communicator. My brother is a poor communicator. I am a poor communicator. It had nothing to do with what is/isn't between our legs, but how we were raised to function. My husband AND his sister a terrible at communicating, in fact, they make my siblings and I look like professional communicators lol.

To the OP, I find it very disheartening that a marriage counselor would say such a thing. It worries me greatly for the couples he counsels. I couldn't imagine if DH were ever told that it was all his fault when we've had miscommunication. We haven't made great improvements because he is a poor communicator and I am not - in fact, we are both DOERS and poor communicators, which is why we have had to take action as a couple to fix our communication.

S

 

[FaithPrevails]

I recently talked to a friend of mine who is a marriage counselor. He told me that if communication is a major issue in a marriage it is almost always the men's fault since women are hardwired to be communicators and men are doers. He told me that even in his own marriage, he has to consiciously decide to be a communicator even after over 20 years of marriage. What do you people think?

Meh. I disagree.

Women are "talkers" and men are "doers". However, that doesn't mean that all women naturally know how to communicate effectively.

Yes, maybe men have to work more at being consciously communicative. But, I would venture a guess that sometimes the husband is a better/more effective communicator than the wife.

 

[chaz345]

Meh. I disagree.

Women are "talkers" and men are "doers". However, that doesn't mean that all women naturally know how to communicate effectively.

Yes, maybe men have to work more at being consciously communicative. But, I would venture a guess that sometimes the husband is a better/more effective communicator than the wife.

I would say that IN GENERAL, men are better at cold hard fact based communication and women are better at touchy feely emotion based communication. The thing is, neither of those two things is inherently better than the other.

My difficulty is that the overriding theme in improving communication is that men are told they need to be better at communicating feelings and emotions and thats the beginning and end of all maritial communication problems. It IS true that by and large most men do need to learn to put facts aside and communicate about emotions better. But at the same time, women need to learn to put the feelings aside and communicate factually better. There is a time and place and need for both types of communication in a marriage.

 

[FaithPrevails]

I would say that IN GENERAL, men are better at cold hard fact based communication and women are better at touchy feely emotion based communication. The thing is, neither of those two things is inherently better than the other.

Men communicate like brillo pads and women communicate like cotton balls.

My difficulty is that the overriding theme in improving communication is that men are told they need to be better at communicating feelings and emotions and thats the beginning and end of all maritial communication problems. It IS true that by and large most men do need to learn to put facts aside and communicate about emotions better. But at the same time, women need to learn to put the feelings aside and communicate factually better. There is a time and place and need for both types of communication in a marriage.

I actually agree with this.

I try to say things to my husband in a way that he receives them best (straightforward/minimal details). In turn, he tries to be better at saying things in a less abrupt/more detail-oriented manner - lest he get pummeled with 20 bazillion questions.

 

[Conservativation]

When there is a fire in the house....best stick to

a. where are the exits
b. do we have time to grab anything
c. are we all accounted for
d. call 911


etc etc not in that order necessarily

NOT

How do you feel about losing the photos? because if you can understand the feelings around that we can work through whether or not one of us stays here and tries to get them, oh and this wouldnt have happened if you didnt put that foil in the microwave the other day


examples are meant to be stupid but illustrative....meaning there are indeed things to discuss with facts ONLY

As a counter example if my wife says, "My aunt sally and uncle are getting a divorce, and I stayed summers with them and it makes me sad" Id cant say

A. well how much money do they have in the bank
B. How are they splitting the furniture

Id better be interested in more of how she feels

 

[Million Pieces]

Well..since my husband is the one that speaks in code..Ive requested that from now on he needs to put it in writing..so when the misunderstanding happens I pull out the "evidence" (the words in writing) then I pull out the dictionary and remind him I go by the "definition" of what words mean..then I put those words to further meaning (context) the way they are arranged in the sentence.

If he meant something different I have proven thats not my reponsiblility.Its not that Im not listening..its I dont know when hes playing the 'opposite game" or when Im supposed to "read between the lines" or when Im supposed to go litteral.its also very difficult when he says one thing and in the same sentence or paragraph completely contradicts..so saying two sperate things at once...so I thought I could start at base one and let him know ahead of time Im going "litteral'..actually using the definition of "words".. thats a good start at least.

Dallas

dallas, if he is being deliberately obtuse in his communication, there's no way you can be held responsible for misunderstanding. I applaud you for standing up to that and calling him out on that kind of mind-game playing. 'Cause that's really all it is.

 

[Created2Write]

I definitely disagree that men are at fault when it comes to communicating. I talk a lot, but I'm not always a great communicator. My husband doesn't really talk a whole lot, but he's not always the best listener.

I believe that both genders need to work at communication.

 

[dallasapple]

I think the problem is again ..the "split" one is male one is female ..not only that whats beign COMPLETELY left out is two groups... one group is people that arent better at one or the other..they are BAD at both..OR they are great at "both" the hard cold facts ..they can stick to it with zero embellisment when thats called for..(like in a fire) and when its important to express any emotional language as in feelings or be more detailed...they have skills as well..

A great communicator..a great SPEAKER knows how to do both to a level of excellence..and both males and females are capable equally.It has nothing to do with what sex you were born as..

Dallas

 

[JaneFW]

I think the problem is again ..the "split" one is male one is female ..not only that whats beign COMPLETELY left out is two groups... one group is people that arent better at one or the other..they are BAD at both..OR they are great at "both" the hard cold facts ..they can stick to it with zero embellisment when thats called for..(like in a fire) and when its important to express any emotional language as in feelings or be more detailed...they have skills as well..

A great communicator..a great SPEAKER knows how to do both to a level of excellence..and both males and females are capable equally.It has nothing to do with what sex you were born as..

Dallas

ITA. Very good post. There are great raconteurs who are male, and great ones who are female. Great business leaders (which takes communication) who are male and female. There are great male and female windbags, ahem, I mean politicians who can talk the talk up and down, sideways and then crabwise. It's not a gender trait, it's something that can be learned by anyone at any time. Sure, some people can be born with "the gift of the gab" - and one can always kiss the Blarney Stone, although I wouldn't encourage it because I've actually seen the Blarney Stone, and unless you want to hang precariously over a rock (not me!), and kiss something that is the recipient of the saliva of a million other people <yuck> you don't want to do that. And besides, it doesn't work. Ha.

 

[dinonum]

c

 

[dallasapple]

I agree with Cons not being direct..which Im not being sarcastic either..He lays it out(a question)..then makes people almost GUESS what exactly HE is meaning..I see it going on right now in another thread..

Also...Cons you mentioned there are things that need to be discussed with "facts only"..Im serious...you mentioned your wife..if she is unable to EVER just relay facts then she isnt a TYPICAL woman..she has something else going on with communication ..but thats not "typical and its not "female" ....

Speaking of fire..I had to call 911 today becasue i could hear explosions outside ..I recgognized it as transformers blowing up..I called..she asked my address.and the phone # I was calling from.I GAVE her those facts..I didnt "embellish"..I didnt NEED to..then she asked what is the emergency..I simply relayed there are transformers exploding outside..she asked 'how do you know that" ...I said its happened before about a year ago....same identicle noise..I was informed at that time thats what it was + our power went out about 30 minutes ago..then I ADDED I could be wrong..but I dont think so.

I didnt give her a long drawn out story with unessecarry details..I didnt tell her I was afraid..SHE asked me in addition if I had seen any sparks or flames or smoke..I said "no" but I havent been outside..she asked me if we had called the power company I said "yes right after the power went out"..she said thank you for calling..I will send the report..I said "thank you "..and hung up..

She asked me questions..I answered them direct..

There were MANY other details that happened that I could have added if I wanted to "tell a story" about "the day the transformers blew'..like what I was doing when I heard the first one..then the second one....what my first thoughts were ..if I was afraid or anxious...how I contemplated whether to call 911 or not..that I peeked out the window to see if it looked like my neighbors had been alarmed possibly and gone outside to look..I could have asked HER questions ..like is it allright that I called it may not even be any emergency...what are ya'll going to do about it?Is the fire dept going to come ???Im worried about my cat should I go out and find her or stay inside?

Dallas

 

[Romanseight2005]

I agree with Cons not being direct..which Im not being sarcastic either..He lays it out(a question)..then makes people almost GUESS what exactly HE is meaning..I see it going on right now in another thread..

Also...Cons you mentioned there are things that need to be discussed with "facts only"..Im serious...you mentioned your wife..if she is unable to EVER just relay facts then she isnt a TYPICAL woman..she has something else going on with communication ..but thats not "typical and its not "female" ....

Speaking of fire..I had to call 911 today becasue i could hear explosions outside ..I recgognized it as transformers blowing up..I called..she asked my address.and the phone # I was calling from.I GAVE her those facts..I didnt "embellish"..I didnt NEED to..then she asked what is the emergency..I simply relayed there are transformers exploding outside..she asked 'how do you know that" ...I said its happened before about a year ago....same identicle noise..I was informed at that time thats what it was + our power went out about 30 minutes ago..then I ADDED I could be wrong..but I dont think so.

I didnt give her a long drawn out story with unessecarry details..I didnt tell her I was afraid..SHE asked me in addition if I had seen any sparks or flames or smoke..I said "no" but I havent been outside..she asked me if we had called the power company I said "yes right after the power went out"..she said thank you for calling..I will send the report..I said "thank you "..and hung up..

She asked me questions..I answered them direct..

There were MANY other details that happened that I could have added if I wanted to "tell a story" about "the day the transformers blew'..like what I was doing when I heard the first one..then the second one....what my first thoughts were ..if I was afraid or anxious...how I contemplated whether to call 911 or not..that I peeked out the window to see if it looked like my neighbors had been alarmed possibly and gone outside to look..I could have asked HER questions ..like is it allright that I called it may not even be any emergency...what are ya'll going to do about it?Is the fire dept going to come ???Im worried about my cat should I go out and find her or stay inside?

Dallas

Wow! You had an exciting day!! Are you okay? Is everyone okay?