Cliques! They're so annoying! Need advice... :S

[ScarlettRose]

Hey peoples!
So, I've been a Christian for a few yrs & love my church. It is great, helps out within the community heaps, has great teaching & it is a great church spiritually. But lately I have been not wanting to go to church because of the cliques among the young adults! It is sooo annoying!

These "cliques" may greet people & invite u to things. But there's no connection with them & whenever I go to the things that they invite me to, they always get into their little huddle & I'm just like a tag along. Sure, I may try talking to them, but nothing much happens. I've also tried organising get togethers with each person individually, but when the day comes for the get together, I soon discover that the person decided to invite the rest of the clique! So...I become the tag along that they ignore...again!

I know that I am not the only one who has noticed this. The people who I connected well with had the same problem & decided to leave because they were fed up with this clique. And another thing is that one of the "clique members" openly admitted to me that they know that they can be cliquey towards me & others quite often. But they still do it!

So, what can I do about it? Young adult visitors to the church (Christian & non-Christian) have stopped going because of the rudeness of the young adults. Including an unsaved relative of mine. There are no other young adults that I can hang with from my church that I connect with (they all left!). I really want to leave and go to my best friend's church nearby. But I am quite involved in 2 of the ministries in my church & the younger kids look up to me heaps. Any advice please?

PS: Sorry for the long post. I'm just really upset about the whole clique situation as an unbeliever I know has been turned off of knowing God because of them... Prayers would be much appreciated! Thanks!

 

[not worthy]

Maybe during a meeting you could bring his to their attention, and let them know gently their behavior is turning people away. Maybe your pastor could help you talk to them.

 

[NiobiumTragedy]

I would certainly bring it up to the pastor, but the reality is that nothing can really be done to prevent such things as it's in our nature to "group" with people we share common interests in. By attempting to split these groups forcefully, you will end up turning people away from the church anyway. Instead, maybe talk to them about being more inviting to people who are not part of their group. They will always have a core group of people, but that's not saying they couldn't open up and be warmer to people who would like to get to know them.

My question is, why are you interested in getting into or being accepted by a group of people who obviously have very small interest in you?

 

[MacFall]

People are not psychologically capable of relating to more than a few people at a time, and of having a close relationship with fewer still. Thus it is natural for people in large groups to break apart into smaller groups. I think the problem is in the size of churches, these days - rather than having many local churches which are organized as families for their respective communities, churches are organized into vast, hierarchical business operations that attempt to cater to as many people as possible. It is to be expected that such organizations will necessarily be comparatively impersonal and leave some people on the outside.

My advice would be either to find a smaller church, where cliques do not form as easily (or at least, where cliquishness is less common); or to find some other people on the outside of the cliques (or at least, on their peripheries) with whom you relate and initiate fellowship with them. If you can make a few friends with people in other groups, that can also help to undo some of the barriers between their respective groups as well.

 

[gemmah]

I actually have this sort of issue at the church i now go to. I moved for work and was very worried about finding a church on my own. I took a few works and eventually came across the church i am now going to. The people there were really welcoming and nice to me when i first came. They invited me to things and introduced me to people. However a few months later I noticed that no one really spoke to me anymore and when i went to things with them I was just a tag along and no one really spoke to me. I guess I wasn't new anymore so they didn't need to make an effort. I do have a couple of people there who will sit with me and ask how i'm going each week but it's never more then that.

There was a sunday a little while ago where i was sitting in my usual spot and no one sat with me or asked me to join them. It was a time I was feeling really down and alone and having that happen at church made me so sad. I started crying which a few people noticed and asked if i was okay but no one moved to sit with me. It was then that I really considered leaving the church and finding another. I also notice that things aren't really followed up on like this incident and another time when something terrible had happened that I shared with them and the pastor and i wasn't asked later how things were going in regard to that. Since then there have been a couple of people that have really made an effort to speak to me which is making me think i should stay.

I am worried about finding a different church because I don't want the same thing to happen and I found it hard to find a church the first time. I have thought about mentioning it to the pastor but even though I've been there a year I don't know him at all.

Anyway sorry for hijacking your thread with my own issues but i figure they are similar and maybe we can support each other as we seek what is best for us in these situations.

 

[MarisCrane]

My question is, why are you interested in getting into or being accepted by a group of people who obviously have very small interest in you?

This. I mean, you could keep banging your head against the wall, until these people accept you (once they feel you've 'earned' it) and continue this initiation.

Or you could attend this church but to look hobby and interest clubs outside of this church to actually meet people.

 

[ScarlettRose]

Hey,
Thanks for the replies everyone! The funny thing is that last week at church, while I wasn't there, the senior pastor apparently addressed to everyone that they must stop being so cliquey as people have left because of it. So, obviously someone has beaten me at talking to the pastor about the clique problem, lol.

I think I'll see how it goes now, considering that the pastor/s have noticed the problem. I'll continue hanging around my christian friends who don't go to my church & well, I just won't bother as much with the cliquey people anymore. As it is, church is for God anyways!

Oh & to gemmah...hi! sorry to hear about ur story. I'm glad I am not the only one experiencing what it's like to be outside of clques! Lol. Do u have any Christian friends that u don't go to church with? If so, maybe u coulod go along to there church or something & check it out? And maybe u coud try mentioning it to your pastor or an elder that u know at the church? Hope that helps for u!

 

[gemmah]

Oh & to gemmah...hi! sorry to hear about ur story. I'm glad I am not the only one experiencing what it's like to be outside of clques! Lol. Do u have any Christian friends that u don't go to church with? If so, maybe u coulod go along to there church or something & check it out? And maybe u coud try mentioning it to your pastor or an elder that u know at the church? Hope that helps for u!

Hi yeah it's nice to know there are other people in the same position. I think I will mention it to the pastor. I was going to find another church and then mention to the pastor why i was leaving as it's something they need to address if they want young people to come from outside and stay. But I don't know what's best. I'll go this weekend and mention it to him and see what he says about it.

It was funny though the other week (just before christmas) I was with one of the girls from my bible study and she was chatting to people and was saying to this lady 'this is Gemma have you met her.' and the lady was like 'no we've never been introduced but you sit in front of me every week.' When she was saying that I was like yeah you know me I sit near you all the time. I was also thinking well if you know I sit in front of you why have you never reached out and said hi to me. I just thought it was funny that I as the outsider was expected to initiate contact with her not the other way round.

But then there's been good things like a while ago someone actually seeking me out to have a conversation with me and say 'i just wanted to catch you before you leave. I know you've gotta be up early (i go to night church) so I won't keep you long.' I've been leaving church shortly after it finishes because I hang around for like 5 mins and no one comes over to talk to me and I can sit around on my own at home. I've got my bible study group so once that starts up again things should be better.

 

[ScarlettRose]

Yeah, it is good to know that there's someone else going through similar stuff aye? I haven't spoken to my pastor yet about it all cause of current circumstances and all, but it is a struggle. Last Sunday I sat alone for awhile & the clique group who I always try & initiate a conversation with were within metres away from me. They didn't even say hi to me, which really hurt. How did you go with mentioning it with your pastor?

Hopefully things will get better for you once the bible study group starts up again. Maybe you can try & start a friendship with that person who was seeking you out? Organise to go out for coffee, see a movie or something?

 

[gemmah]

I talked with the pastor a couple of weeks ago but didn't specifically say that I feel that the young adults are very cliquey. I just mentioned that I've been feeling very distant from God and that since I've left home and been on my owe it's harder and I've lost the Christian community that I always had at home. I just sort of asked what sort of things I could do to feel more connected and a part of the church. I'm going to this study group on monday nights from the end of Jan and the pastor's organised someone to come pick me up so I can make it so hopefully that will help me get to know people and feel more part of the church.

It sucks when no one talks to you and they are sitting so close by. I've been there. When I go home from church feeling alone and sad because no one would speak to me I've been using my walk home to talk to God about it. That helps me a little and reminds me that it's about God.

 

[WiredSpirit]

I want to offer another perspective. I find the lack of cliques to be annoying.

Growing up we moved around fairly frequently and when I did make friends it was always based on the things we had in common. I really can't connect with people I have nothing in common with. When I was a freshman my parents split up and my mother and I moved in with my grandmother out in the country. The school out there had about 500 students from the 7th through 12th grade. There were no skaters, preps, stoners, hood rats, gamers, or anything like that. The students out there had friendships based on the simple fact that they were the only ones around of the same species. I was generally unaccepted and I had nothing in common with the people that did talk to me and that made things awkward. Luckily I only finished up my freshman year there and moved back to town. In a school with 2000 students in the 9th-12th grade, even if you're brand new to the school, you're going to find people you have some things in common with.

From July 2008 to December 2009 I moved to a really small town, but this time on my own. I was reminded of my experience as a freshman and this time it helped me understand why. Even in a social setting like a bar you cannot talk to people about the same things out there. There are no singles, or if there are they're single for a reason. People there are generally older and have established families.

We were created for community and I'd recommend actually finding a group of people you have something in common with and joining that "clique." At my church its a few other guy that are into computers, one is majoring in the same thing as me and going to my school. You'll find you'll have a much deeper conversation with people you have something in common with than with people who are just there for an awkward conversation.

Church is the same way. I wouldn't go to a church where the only thing I had in common with others is our age. Again, the bigger the church the better. If I'm in a city of 100,000 and there are less than 100 people in this church, why is that? Something there is not working the way it should. I wouldn't be comfortable with less than 500.

 

[ScarlettRose]

To gemmah...
Sorry about the late post, been sorting out some stuff for uni & it's been driving me insaaane! Lol. That's good that you managed to talk to the pastor & stuff. I managed to talk to one of the clique people today...seemed to go well. But I have to tell them how they can be less "cliquey"??... Lol. I guess sometimes we just have to force ourselves into the cliques.
Hope the study group is going well!

 

[l0v3n]

People are not psychologically capable of relating to more than a few people at a time, and of having a close relationship with fewer still. Thus it is natural for people in large groups to break apart into smaller groups. I think the problem is in the size of churches, these days - rather than having many local churches which are organized as families for their respective communities, churches are organized into vast, hierarchical business operations that attempt to cater to as many people as possible. It is to be expected that such organizations will necessarily be comparatively impersonal and leave some people on the outside.

My advice would be either to find a smaller church, where cliques do not form as easily (or at least, where cliquishness is less common); or to find some other people on the outside of the cliques (or at least, on their peripheries) with whom you relate and initiate fellowship with them. If you can make a few friends with people in other groups, that can also help to undo some of the barriers between their respective groups as well.

Well said!

 

[highlife]

Birds of a feather flock together, I think to often in this nation there is to much forcing of round pegs in square holes. I mean do you have anything in common with these other people other than your faith?

Even small churchs form "cliques", my church is about 100 people and we have many small groups, although everyone knows each other but some hang out more in social settings than with others.

Life is "cliquish", I dont want to hang out with someone who has little to nothing in common with me, whats the point. I mean I can talk to them and interact but when it comes to social events there has to be some commonality.

If your not interested in what is going on then its not going to be fun for you.

 

[ScarlettRose]

To Highlife...how can I know if I have anything in common with the cliquey people if they push me away whenever I even try to talk to them & try to find out if we do have anything in common? A bit hard...lol
Anyways, I'll be talking to the pastor in the next coming week about it all. I'm going to quit my work in the ministries. I've taken time off of the ministries & no one has even noticed. A bit upsetting...

 

[josephbonello]

Church should be attractional in a sense, so maybe i'd be wise to talk to one of the leaders about it.

 

[Xenocide]

y r u so intent on making friends with them