Clinginess

[Tamara224]

Is it really such a bad thing to be clingy? I hear that attribute referred to as a negative a lot around this forum and irl. But I got to wondering about that when I read the following passages of Scripture:

23And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.
24Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.(Genesis 2:23-24)

4And he answered and said unto them, Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female, 5And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? 6Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. (Matthew 19:4-6)

6But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female. 7For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife; 8And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. (Mark 10:6-8)
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To Cleave means:

1. to adhere closely; stick; cling (usually fol. by to). 2. to remain faithful (usually fol. by to): to cleave to one's principles in spite of persecution.
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The word that the KJV translates as "cleave" in Genesis is "dabaq" and it means:

to cling, stick, stay close, cleave, keep close, stick to, stick with, follow closely, join to, overtake, catch

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Is it possible that "clinginess" can actually be a good thing? Or, in fact, that it is completely natural and God-ordained that people should be clingy in a relationship?


Maybe our aversion to clinginess is more a result of letting the world influence our relationship ideals. Maybe the world's aversion to clinginess is actually one of the problems with relationships these days. Maybe if people clung to one another more, there would be less divorce.

 

[soccerdad66]

I would agree to your definition.

When I think of clinginess, I think of the inability to let the other so things are seperate, almost as if a lack of trust.

 

[Luther073082]

Agreed with Soccerdad.

The general accepted definition of clinginess is someone who is completly obcessed over their partner and unable to be seperate from the person for any period of time.

Also a person who expects their partner to drop everything else that ever existed in his/her life for them.

 

[Jerimi]

Seems to be a general consensus here.

I have had girls which would be considered clingy by todays standards and I felt completely smothered. I could not even go out with my friends without her calling me every 20 minutes or tagging along.

Personal space is important in any relationship. Without it, personal growth cannot happen.

 

[white dove]

Is it really such a bad thing to be clingy? I hear that attribute referred to as a negative a lot around this forum and irl. But I got to wondering about that when I read the following passages of Scripture:

I take the interpretation to mean that a man must protect his wife and his own family.. and he must take on the responsibility of the husband. He looks to his wife for counsel and support and she, in turn, can do the same. He remains faithful to her and her alone. In no way have I ever taken those verses to mean that a man must be clingy and/or overbearing. (This is a word that I assimilate with the word "clingy") If you take a literal interpretation of every single one of those definitions, it also means that a man must follow his wife closely. This insinuates the wife is in the lead, which contradicts fundamentalist Christian thought on "leadership" within a househould. So, it doesn't make sense, to me, to "cling to" the clinging aspect of this definition.

Is it possible that "clinginess" can actually be a good thing? Or, in fact, that it is completely natural and God-ordained that people should be clingy in a relationship?

It could be in small doses, if you go back to the root of the word and investigate alternate definitions. But, in our times, it is typical to view clinginess is a bad thing. I view it as a negative because I've actually been in relationships where guys were too clingy. They didn't give me my space and actually had became jealous of my family at times, for me spending "too much" time with them as opposed to my spending time with them. They wanted to spend every second of free time with me... even if my plans didn't include them.

I want a man who will cleave to me, but not cling to me like fabric softener sheets to freshly-dried poly blend pants. I want the man in my life to have a life of his own prior to us sharing one; I want him to have interests of his own. In some ways, I want to be one of the focal points, but I don't want to be his one-and-only focus. It has been my experience that men who cling abandon those other things in order to focus - and cling to - me. And that's wrong.


And no, I don't think being clingy is God-ordained. Some of the other aspects of the word "cleave" make more sense than that one.

Maybe our aversion to clinginess is more a result of letting the world influence our relationship ideals. Maybe the world's aversion to clinginess is actually one of the problems with relationships these days. Maybe if people clung to one another more, there would be less divorce.

Or maybe it is our own experiences.


I think to "cling" to a lack of clung people as a reason for divorce is a bit short-sighted. In some ways, it could be argued that by clinging too much can cause someone's interest to wander and even for abuse to occur.

 

[Wren]

When I think of clingy, an unhealthy level of attachment comes to mind. Of course, what an unhealthy level of attachment is will vary from person to person. For myself, I would see a guy as clingy if he would not go anywhere without me or wanted to know my every move. My secondary love language is quality time, but I need some alone time too. The reason I listed it my non-clingyness as a plus, is that guys know that if they want to go play (or watch) sports with friends, I won't object and say that they should spend time with me always instead. He can do his thing sometimes, and I can do mine.

To cling/cleave to a spouse is different to me than a clingy girlfriend/boyfriend or husband/wife, for whatever reason.

 

[Inkachu]

Clingy husband - good thing.

Clingy first date or non-serious relationship - bad thing.

 

[ido]

Great thoughts, Tamara. I think it really depends on why the person is clinging and how severely they're clinging. To cling to one another when having to part ways b/c you don't want to have to part is sweet, IMO. To cling b/c you can't function healthily without that person or without some irrational fear that they will do something when they're out of your presence - not so healthy.

To use your definition of sticking together - I think that is imperative to the success of any relationship/marriage. If you're not with me, you're against me - right? Every couple will have their trials and bumps in the road. What is going to matter the most is how they handle issues as they arise.

 

[ido]

Clingy first date or non-serious relationship - bad thing.

I went on a "get to know you" coffee date with a guy from my church about a year and a half ago. During the date, he showed me his tattoos - one of which was a band of shamrocks. He then proceeded to tell me that it used to say his name and his ex-wife's name (which happened to be Valerie, like me) and then said, "I guess I could have left the name there" and smiled at me.

We didn't go out together again. lol

 

[CrusaderKing]

I'm not a huge fan of the clingy sorts. To me, it reeks of insecurity and I have to say I get annoyed when women try to smother me. Granted, there's a certain give and take when it comes to relationships, but there's a way to take it too far and each person is different.

 

[deepgreen11]

Need I quote 38 Special's song, "Hold on Loosely"?

 

[JonMiller]

I think we should be more clingy then some are.

I worry that I will be too clingy because I have never been in a relationship.

JM

 

[Inkachu]

I went on a "get to know you" coffee date with a guy from my church about a year and a half ago. During the date, he showed me his tattoos - one of which was a band of shamrocks. He then proceeded to tell me that it used to say his name and his ex-wife's name (which happened to be Valerie, like me) and then said, "I guess I could have left the name there" and smiled at me.

We didn't go out together again. lol

Blech...

 

[Niels]

If you think your significant other is clingy, or your significant other thinks that you're clingy, it probably means you're not right for each other. Time to move on. One person's clinginess is another person's way of showing affection. Just my 2 cents.

 

[LostFound1986]

From my own perspective, I would find a genuinely clingy girl very difficult to deal with. However, I would really like someone who would be affectionate, and who was keen to spend time with me. I'd also like to be the person my girlfriend came to if she had a problem or something. I think guys generally like to be useful! So, clingy? No way! Showing affection, attention? Yes, and I'd act the same to her.

 

[Jerimi]

I always seem to find the girls who have to be around me 24/7/365. My problem is that I have to have my free space. Sometimes I like to just up and leave for a week on my own to think. No telling where I will go or what I will do but I am always faithful. For me, I just like to have my private time where I do not need to talk and no one talks to me. Time to be alone.

 

[soccerdad66]

I

I think to "cling" to a lack of clung people as a reason for divorce is a bit short-sighted. In some ways, it could be argued that by clinging too much can cause someone's interest to wander and even for abuse to occur.

Here is a interesting thought. I've only known of a few abused women, but it seems that they think they get more clingy when they are being abused. I had a friend of mine tell me that if you want to keep a women, treat her like crap, and it's like a challenge to them. Naturally, this is especially true with women with poor self esteem.

 

[Inkachu]

My husband can cling to me all he wants. I won't complain.

But if I've just met someone, or just casually dating, that would send me running.

Clinginess should be reserved for marriage. That's how "I" feel about my own personal life.

 

[white dove]

Thanks for this thread, Tamara.


Sad, but I've actually been pondering these concepts all day today (Don't judge me!! ). Although I maintain my position, it's good to think even further on how others believe and why your own position works for you.

 

[mina]

marriage should bring a growing together and a clinging that if the other person weren't there you feel incomplete; working together as one flesh is a pretty awesome goal and a beautiful thing in marriage. It must be mutual. That doesn't mean a complete inability to function or maintain emotional health without the other person though . I think there is healthy clinging that occurs in a good relationship and is essential , but there's also an unhealthy clinging that is not a good mark of a relationship. Unhealthy clinging can become exhausting and tiring to the other person and lead to the demise of the relationship.