churches singles ministry

[Sunbeam]

I am planning on going to church again. They may have a singles ministry. I do not really want to go. While I want to date, I do not want to date many people in the group here and have to see them again and think that some of the men are talking about me and seeing all the jealousy of the women and men go around. I saw this in a youth group I was in when younger and I have heard many stories from older women that say its the same way in many cases when older too.

Does anyone go at all to these or often?

I am planning on getting involved in other groups instead, and finding out if men are single or not there. I may go infrequently to the singles group but just to see who is single so I can know who is later.

If you go to church, how do you handle dating there?

 

[Hewitt]

If you don't feel comfortable with the singles group, that is perfectly okay and I don't blame you. From my experiences in church, I know there are many other ways to meet people. In my opinion, the best way to meet someone through church is serving with them. Whether is be by helping with a Sunday school class or serving in a soup kitchen, you will see people for who they really are. Just my thoughts.

 

[jenptcfan]

My advice is not to look at the singles group primarily as a way to meet members of the opposite sex. I realize that sometimes you will happen upon someone you're interested in in that kind of setting, and that's fine. But the primary goal of the singles group should be to help singles grow spiritually, not to help singles find dates.

Church is a great way to meet other Christians, but I don't think that God intends for that to be in the front of our minds as we go into church.

Those are just my thoughts...God bless!

 

[wvmtnkid]

I echo Hewitt's post. You don't have to get involved in a singles group if you feel uncomfortable. However, no matter what group you get involved in, if you end up dating someone in it, be prepared for there to be some talk. That isn't just reserved for a Singles Group. Now, I don't necessarily mean gossip, but people naturally talk about things going on in and around them.

I don't know that I would also use church as a pick up place for single men. That may not be what you are intending, and I do hope that your desire to return to church has more to do with worship than finding a date. Not being judgmental, just concerned.

 

[Sunbeam]

If you don't feel comfortable with the singles group, that is perfectly okay and I don't blame you. From my experiences in church, I know there are many other ways to meet people. In my opinion, the best way to meet someone through church is serving with them. Whether is be by helping with a Sunday school class or serving in a soup kitchen, you will see people for who they really are. Just my thoughts.
...
Good thoughts. thanks.

 

[Sunbeam]

My advice is not to look at the singles group primarily as a way to meet members of the opposite sex. I realize that sometimes you will happen upon someone you're interested in in that kind of setting, and that's fine. But the primary goal of the singles group should be to help singles grow spiritually, not to help singles find dates.

Church is a great way to meet other Christians, but I don't think that God intends for that to be in the front of our minds as we go into church.

Those are just my thoughts...God bless!
...
It's not in the front of my mind, its in the back and its something that I should know how to handle. I do not really want to go to the singles group because of all the problems assoicated with it and I do have other things on my mind that is for my growth

 

[Sunbeam]

I echo Hewitt's post. You don't have to get involved in a singles group if you feel uncomfortable. However, no matter what group you get involved in, if you end up dating someone in it, be prepared for there to be some talk. That isn't just reserved for a Singles Group. Now, I don't necessarily mean gossip, but people naturally talk about things going on in and around them.

I don't know that I would also use church as a pick up place for single men. That may not be what you are intending, and I do hope that your desire to return to church has more to do with worship than finding a date. Not being judgmental, just concerned
.......

I'm the type of person that likes to be aware of what is going to happen when I go to do things. I feel the pressure on me as if its happening now somewhat. I try to resolve that as much as I can and it works for me. I have higher things on my mind but this is a real situation that I do not want to go into. In a small group or other ministry there is talk but it would be easier enough to deal with.

There is everything right for looking for a longterm relationship leading to marriage with someone in your church. Dating is not a low goal. And my beliefs are well-developed on various theological stances. I know what I believe and why. That took a long time. And that has been my first priority. I haven't dated much in my life either so it would make sense that I am nervous. I am arminian, and pentocostal but not into hypergifts, I am posttrib rapture and into protection of various sorts from various possible problems and I want someone who shares the same views and goals. Dating in the world is a cheap thing but don't confuse it with the godly need to find a lifepartner that is a christian mate.

As you put it "finding a date" is not what I am looking for, but a lifepartner. The world "finds dates" as finding whatever feels and looks good for the moment. That is more a worldly term. Whoever is available. I don't date whoever is available. And I do not like what I see go on in the singles groups and what I have heard. One exfriend of mine was married and was in competition for a married sm group leader with another married friend. This was among married people, all married to different people in a Under 35 group for all. Although most Under 35 groups are also Single Only group too. There were alot of singles in that group and somehow groups based on young age or single weakens the purpose of the group with both sexes in it. There should be more of a purpose label to the group than that. They should be doing something. Have some sort a specific ministry. When there is all singles, people keep that single thing in their mind. Yet it is a good idea to attend to know who is single if you can.

"finding a date" is not what I am looking for. Not being judgmental of your choice of words, just concerned for your clarification needs.

 

[wvmtnkid]

Sunbeam-

I did not mean to offend you in my response. When reading your original post, it came across as your main purpose was to find a date, since you asked about dating in church and that you were attending a singles group just to see who was single. I am sorry that I misunderstood. I am in no way judging your reasons of going to church, but as evidenced from the response before mine, I was not the only person to take your opening comments the way I did. Again I apologize.

No, there is nothing wrong for looking for a companion in church. If you intend to marry someone who holds your same beliefs than of course the church you attend is a great place to look. Serving with someone is a great way to get to know them because hopefully you will see them in different scenerios and get to know them as a person and not just the person that they want you to see, as sometimes happens in dating.

As for the talking and jealously, unfortunately, where there are relationships and love, there is bound to be talking and jealously. It is sad that even these things come into a church group, whether it be a singles group or some other group, but they are there. I don't know how to advise you to avoid it. Other than being above reproach in your relationships and really not giving them anything to talk about. And some of it may be good natured talking as being happy for your cicumstances and that type of thing.

 

[Hewitt]

It's for these very reasons that I tend to shy away from single's groups. In and of themselves, they are perfectly okay. But people's emotions and past events play roles that slant the focus of the group sometimes. I'm not saying that will happen in your church, but it's a possibility.

For me, the best way to meet someone in church would be helping with the little kids. I want a family someday, and an important characteristic for my future wife must be a love of kids. When I see a girl play with kids and things like that I'm really impressed and that gives them a lot of respect in my mind. Like I said, that's just me.

 

[Sunbeam]

Sunbeam-

I did not mean to offend you in my response. When reading your original post, it came across as your main purpose was to find a date, since you asked about dating in church and that you were attending a singles group just to see who was single. I am sorry that I misunderstood. I am in no way judging your reasons of going to church, but as evidenced from the response before mine, I was not the only person to take your opening comments the way I did. Again I apologize.

No, there is nothing wrong for looking for a companion in church. If you intend to marry someone who holds your same beliefs than of course the church you attend is a great place to look. Serving with someone is a great way to get to know them because hopefully you will see them in different scenerios and get to know them as a person and not just the person that they want you to see, as sometimes happens in dating.

As for the talking and jealously, unfortunately, where there are relationships and love, there is bound to be talking and jealously. It is sad that even these things come into a church group, whether it be a singles group or some other group, but they are there. I don't know how to advise you to avoid it. Other than being above reproach in your relationships and really not giving them anything to talk about. And some of it may be good natured talking as being happy for your cicumstances and that type of thing.

I'm sorry if I seemed touchy. It seemed off the subject and a little provoking to question my spiritual base and motivation to go to church. Unfortunately, I also believe that many (or some) people are not always going to church for the best reasons and it does no harm or should do no harm to remind anyone of their primary reasons. While I don't believe I am in that category of wrong primary motivation, I know am not immune to feeling hurt by others and possibly even temporarily thrown off base by situations. Our focus should be our lives and growth in the Lord's ways.

"Serving" with others in some capacity seems like a way to see people clearer as you and Hewitt said. I would have more faith in that course of action than Singles outings. Being above reproach should not cause any problems you are right and if I seek to stay in the love and grace of God I should be able to let any others disruptive attitudes roll off me pretty easily most of the time.

What is scary is that when I look at secular dating, it is so far off what God intended, and when I look at the chrisitan culture in general it is my opinion that is generally off what God intended, that I feel like that church and christian dating services or regular dating services with a thorough profile, when I am ready for them, are my only options. I suppose you and others here might understand that feeling pretty well.

 

[Sunbeam]

It's for these very reasons that I tend to shy away from single's groups. In and of themselves, they are perfectly okay. But people's emotions and past events play roles that slant the focus of the group sometimes. I'm not saying that will happen in your church, but it's a possibility.

For me, the best way to meet someone in church would be helping with the little kids. I want a family someday, and an important characteristic for my future wife must be a love of kids. When I see a girl play with kids and things like that I'm really impressed and that gives them a lot of respect in my mind. Like I said, that's just me.

As you stated also, I think the groups are fine in an of themselves but there is often emotional slants to that kind of group that I believe can limit my faith in the purpose of my going.

But then, sometimes at my age, I just want to be around other singles sometimes. Sometimes married people accidently slant the conservations toward married and kids subjects exclusively for long periods of time, consistently, without much room or actual interest shown in other subjects which is a prime motivator to push me to be in a singles group.

 

[wvmtnkid]

Sunbeam-no harm done. We just misunderstood each other's intent. Under normal circumstances I would not question your reason's for attending church at all. And I did not mean to come off as questioning them in the first place. I suppose I should have worded that I little better than I did. Again, I am sorry. Friends?

Dating is hard in our time. Morals and values seem to be at an all time low, or at least it seems. And I have gotten pretty selective. I actually have went through one of the on-line christian dating services. I met one very nice man. We are good friends now, nothing ever developed into a relationship. So, I do know how hard it is. But I also have come to the conclusion if God has someone out there for me, He will bring us together, and perhaps I have fretted way to much over this. We serve a mighty God, right? I know He has plans for me, and I just have to trust that His time is better than my time. Of course, I talk to Him a lot about it! But, I am trying now just to let him have control and trust Him for the who, what, when, and where.

 

[Sunbeam]

Sunbeam-no harm done. We just misunderstood each other's intent. Under normal circumstances I would not question your reason's for attending church at all. And I did not mean to come off as questioning them in the first place. I suppose I should have worded that I little better than I did. Again, I am sorry. Friends?

Dating is hard in our time. Morals and values seem to be at an all time low, or at least it seems. And I have gotten pretty selective. I actually have went through one of the on-line christian dating services. I met one very nice man. We are good friends now, nothing ever developed into a relationship. So, I do know how hard it is. But I also have come to the conclusion if God has someone out there for me, He will bring us together, and perhaps I have fretted way to much over this. We serve a mighty God, right? I know He has plans for me, and I just have to trust that His time is better than my time. Of course, I talk to Him a lot about it! But, I am trying now just to let him have control and trust Him for the who, what, when, and where.

Of course friends!

I haven't tried the dating services yet. Not ready to date at this time I feel. I think that trusting God will work if we keep in mind constantly what we are looking for and petition God while keeping a joyful heart from our own lives.

The tv shows are terrible about dating. Why don't they show the women crying from STDs and pregnacies unwanted, and abortions, and provoked rape. They could have a whole series where the entire show is women crying about these things. I wonder if it would make anyone think? None of the above thankfully has ever happened to me though.

There isn't many movies to watch with this constantly thrown in our faces. Even the genres of action, drama, comedy have sexually immoral scenes as if normal.

What does anyone watch here on tv as a fiction series or show? I can only think of Walker, Texas Ranger, that is decent.

 

[wvmtnkid]

Of course friends!

The tv shows are terrible about dating. Why don't they show the women crying from STDs and pregnacies unwanted, and abortions, and provoked rape. They could have a whole series where the entire show is women crying about these things. I wonder if it would make anyone think?

I have often thought the same thing. When on some of the teen dramas, the plotline is the characters having sex for the first time, it is all so romantic. I have thought, what if they showed the other side, about teen pregnancies and some of the spiritual ramifications of their actions. I think when you have had a sexual relationship with a person and you break up, it makes the break up harder because you have shared something with them that goes beyond just a normal relationship. That is never addressed. But, these days the number of sexual conquests you have seems to be all that is important. Not the condition of your soul.

/me steps off the soapbox.....

 

[Purpletigy]

I'm going to a new church now, and have spent some time in our singles group, but not anything deep as of yet. My past times in a former singles group were great! While I did end up dating atleast 2 different people, I didn't receive much backlash. I really miss that old group of people. The new church, one of the guys the first day I joined the church kind of was like a shark asking about me and asking me if I was single and stuff. It made me really uncomfortable. Now that I know him, he doesn't bother me any more. What has helped is that I have joined the intercessory team in charge of praying over the singles. We have decided that we want a safe environment where men & women (especially) won't be attacked by wolves (those seeking dates) just to be hurt. But, we do want to provide an environment that if a couple decide to start dating, that they will have a great support group to help them stay pure. If a singles group is good, their focus will not be trying to find mates, but trying to live out the destiny that God has planned for them, and learning how to opperate in their "calling" while in this group.

 

[Crayze3Christ]

I Totally agree