Chronic stress and anxiety

[blackribbon]

It just dawned on me today that I have been living in "fight or flight" mode for almost 11 years straight...starting with the hurricane that we hunkered in place for just months before my husband got sick again and died. God has been faithful and walked with me through everything that has happened since then but it is an exhausting life. I miss who I was before he died (not that that was without it's own stresses but I didn't have to face them alone).

I was reading articles on how to "turn off" the fight or flight (and how important this is)...but they all made me laugh. I only wish my problems could be solved by "exercising" more or yoga. LOL.

 

[Rescued One]

I also hate dealing with life's problems all alone, but I keep praying for God's help.

 

[Sam91]

Blackribbon, I feel for you. I commend you too for your care and support nursing others who are ill. After my partner's death, a cancer nurse suggested I should train to do that as I nursed him so well. It is something I could not imagine being able to face.

I really don't think anyone knows what it is like to lose a spouse unless they have been there and even then we all vary. I lost my brother and grandmother (who I viewed like my mother and role model) within 15 months of his death. I tell you this, those other bereavements have been much less profound. My partner died first and it is still the grief I have for him that is carried in that heavy, achy place in my heart. Whether I'm happy or sad, it is always there whether I think of him or not. (While I appreciate thoughts and prayers I find well intentioned advice on healing etc rather lacking. It feels belittling and condescending and I need to remind myself that they mean well even if they don't have an inkling of what it is like. Nor what it is to nurture and raise young children who are in that situation.)

Ignore criticisms levelled at you when you are down. There is no need to do it over a forum and they aren't there in real life to see, scale it back and help. It's like Job's friends.

However, Jesus lifted people out of situations, not condemn and walk off.

 

[St. Helens]

ADMIN HAT ON
Unless you are actually a widow or widower please do not post in this thread or forum.
ADMIN HAT OFF​

 

[blackribbon]

I was feeling internally very stressed last night. I found watching funny baby videos and funny cat videos turned down the anxiety enough to sleep. I was told this by a co-worker whose daughter died in a car accident a few years ago. Interesting tool to put in my coping tool box. As much as I like cats, the ones where cats were startled enough to jump into swimming pools were the best.

 

[pink318]

“But those who trust in the Lord for help will find their strength renewed. They will rise on wings like eagles; they will run and not get weary; they will walk and not grow weak.” (Isaiah 40:31)

I pray that you will continue to trust in the Lord and you will experience peace and strength everyday. The Lord has been faithful to you in the past, He will be the same today and in the future.

Please keep us posted. You are not alone in this journey. God bless.

 

[blackribbon]

Type of thing that just keeps triggering stress. My day off. I get a call from my young adult son that he needs me to come pick him up from work. He doesn't feel safe to drive. As I am going to his work, he starts mentioning that he might need to go to the emergency room because he is having mental changes and can't stand up without getting very dizzy. This is a kid who has a history of seizures that we have had under control for like 4 years. My mind is racing because I just changed jobs and insurance and we are starting over with the deductible after meeting it on the other insurance this year. He works at a place where seizure activity could be a problem. I have to be escorted to him...in the very back of a very busy warehouse...also the place his daddy worked so getting triggers by looking at the uniforms. I do a quick neurological exam and pray he can walk to the car without collapsing....all the while trying to play this down for his supervisors. Get him home and realize that it is likely a bad viral sinus infection...and since he is never sick, he didn't realize that he was simply sick. I am grateful for his overall good immune system that fights things off so well. I am grateful for my nursing experience that recognized that he just needed some really strong sinus meds and a lot of sleep. I am grateful that this is not related to seizures again. God is there walking with me...but darn, it is a rocky path I have to walk. I'd really like a day off without a minor crisis every now and then.

 

[RedPonyDriver]

I have lived in caretaker mode for the last 14 years. First it was taking care of my mother starting in 2005, my husband was diagnosed with chronic pancreatitis in 2009, surgery in 2013 that made him a brittle diabetic, then he was diagnosed with the cancer that killed him in January of this year. He died 8 1/2 months later. Now...I have no one to care for...on one hand it's freeing, I'm not responsible for anyone but on the other, after 14 years I have no idea who I am outside of that caretaking mode. No, I do not want to be a nurse, no thanks. I feel stuck because I'm still dealing with the VA and a couple of lawsuits for malpractice and medical neglect (2 different hospitals). I feel like I can't move forward until this is all resolved because it just drags me back. I get to relive all the horror because of the depositions, etc. I'll probably have to testify about what happened and there's no way to get free to move forward until that's all done. God keep me sane. Right now I'm on a variety of medications to keep me from doing stupid things and sleep. Yes, I was suicidal, yes I still think about it. Yes I'm getting help. No, I will not stop the meds and "rely on God". Tried that, got me a 72 hour psych hold.

 

[blackribbon]

Hugs. I found it took trusting God to be able to accept that I needed the various meds and that we all needed therapy. I thank God for taking us to some wonderful therapists...and especially that my the therapist that was assigned to my son, was a wonderful Christian woman. My daughter is also seeing her too. She has been such a blessing to our lives.

And thank you for admitting that you felt suicidal. I did too and assumed that it was just part of this "journey". I never admitted it at the time. I knew I'd never do it because my kids needed me too much. And God just walked me through those dark days moment by moment.

Trust God to take you through these additional issues related to his death. He will provide you peace even in the midst of the chaos. That doesn't mean the chaos goes away...though. Just that God will be with you. ((hugs)) and the best I have to offer is that "I get it"... even if we don't have the same struggles. It gets easier however, the holiday season can be particularly difficult. There is no wrong way to grieve. You just do what is right for you...even if that changes from day to day.

Post here...or PM me if you need some support. I don't check daily but I do check fairly frequently.

 

[RedPonyDriver]

@Grumman Tomcat - i haven't found where to change my marital status. My husband left this world on 8/28/2019. I can send you a picture of his death certificate if you'd like.

 

[blackribbon]

August? You are passing through a very difficult time as the numbness wears off. Expect to be on a roller coaster of emotions...even within short periods of time. Rest when you get periods of peace because they are nice pauses in this emotion packed time. Also know that if you experience this differently, that is fine and normal. Your grief, your time. (Hugs)

 

[RedPonyDriver]

August? You are passing through a very difficult time as the numbness wears off. Expect to be on a roller coaster of emotions...even within short periods of time. Rest when you get periods of peace because they are nice pauses in this emotion packed time. Also know that if you experience this differently, that is fine and normal. Your grief, your time. (Hugs)

I love rollercoasters! But I like the option of getting off it. This one is never-ending. I spend time on self-care, I NEED to do it. I was virtually homebound with him from April to when he went into the hospice facility at the end of August. The only "free" time I had was when he was in the hospital, but I spent most of my time with him. Then there was driving him all over town for doctors' appointments, treatments, all that stuff.

Some things are looking up and some weights are about to be lifted. Tonight I went to have a mani/pedi and the salon was playing Christian music on the radio...it did something to my spirit...it gave me peace.

 

[blackribbon]

Tired. Took the car in for what I thought would be a easy fix. Turns out to be over $2000 in repairs and that particular car isn't worth that much...but it is a needed vehicle. More money that I don't have. I am going to look at a used car this evening. I still trust God but am not sure what he is preparing me for because life sure feels heavy and isn't getting any lighter. Sigh.