At this time, i feel bitter with some things in my past. My dad is a minister for 12 years. Hes a great man of God. He has a HUGE vision that grows and grows. He is loved and admired by many communities state wide. I have lived my whole life in the church, every sunday and wensday, even saturdays and fridays. My high shool years were spent doing sports just because I didnt want to go to church. I excelled in what I loved. I always heard that its always harder to testify to people that used to be in the church. But whos going to belive that? Well, its %100 true!! My whole life Ive been told and prophitized to that im going to be a great pastor. My father dedicated my life to God as a gift to him before I was even born. Ive gone to conventions and every church thing you can think about when i was younger. Now, Im in the military, living by myself, married but seperated because of my duties to the core. Dont get me wrong, my wife loves me and we have made sacrifices and she is moving in with me for good. Well, when I was younger, I was like the 'black sheep'. I have become bitter to the people in church. Ive heard and still say the biggest reason people dont become christians is because of the christians. Yes I know that everyone has faults and Im no one to judge them when I have a stump in my own eye.... But, I have thought about it, and I dont know why I feel this way, I kinda hurts to say that, I despise them. They are the people that say that they love me and support me and that they pray for me everyday. Know, if you loved someone, dont you think that you could probably put out the energy to at least call once a month, I cant even say that my parents love me. If I dont call them, they forget about me. Im sick of them and their lies and those people have made me VERY BITTER. How can they expect me to even come near them, when they turned their backs on me. I let this go for over a year, this kept growing and growing and know Im sick of this. I have let them know, time after time of what they do. I told my father that dont expect to talk to me unless you make the call. I told them that if they dont show any effort they are losing their son. That was over 2 months ago, and they havent called or asked about me. My sister got the picture, and she calls me like a few times a month, we dont talk that much, but I appreciate her effort. What do I do with my parents, they always talk about how they want to have a tight family relationship, but they never attempt it. Im driving up this weekend, and I arranged a BBQ with old friends and the people that say they are my family, and if I dont get what i want, Im going to snap! I have tried talking and talking but Im done after this. They can forget about their son ever calling them dad or mom. I need help and so do they................
-
Starting today August 7th, 2024, in order to post in the Married Couples, Courting Couples, or Singles forums, you will not be allowed to post if you have your Marital status designated as private. Announcements will be made in the respective forums as well but please note that if yours is currently listed as Private, you will need to submit a ticket in the Support Area to have yours changed.
Christians keep others from Converting!!!
- Thread starter Big_Josh84
- Start date
Hi Josh ,
I get the sense that your parents weren't thrilled that you joined the Marines .
And that you enlisted , in part , to get away from your home/church situation .
This likely hurt your parents , and they have clammed up emotionally , as a result .
With good intentions perhaps , but in unwise fashion , those closest to you wanted you to have what they honestly believe is the very best .
But they neglected to give space for that all important feature - your God given free will .
Which compelled you to defy their expectations in protest .
This is typical , and occurs more often than not , in parent / children relationships .
Especially during the teenage years .
These afflictions are common , realize you are only one of many who have faced , and are facing these very things .
You mention church and people , but say nothing of Jesus .
Church and people , without Jesus , is like sun and sand without water .
You're hot , you're bothered , and nothing is quenching your thirst for zestful living .
Because the sun is in your eyes , the sand is in your shoes , and Jesus is out of focus .
When Jesus preached and taught , he would say things like ; " Whoever has an ear to hear , let them hear . "
He knew that unless we were of a willing mind to follow him ; we would make poor disciples indeed .
I understand why you are angry , your free will has been smothered .
But remember , it was not done in malice , or with diabolical intent .
Rather , being blinded by earthly possessiveness and distracted by lofty ambition ; it was an inadvertant oversight on the part of your parents .
Yet know this , and know it well , Josh , that your becoming bitter as a way of punishing them for stepping on your freedom of choice ; will inflict your life most of all .
You need to get past the hurt , the anger , the resentment , and the bitterness ; it will eat you up inside , and ruin your relationship with your wife and others , whom you wish not to harm .
When you feel your insides start to boil , write your feelings down , put in writing all the hurtful negative emotions and why you feel that way ... tell them how you feel they have wronged you . Then set what you've written aside , and read it again , when you are relatively calm . Sever in your mind the reasonable from the excessive , and add a little understanding and moderation ; and that's what you should write and send to your parents ( or possibly say to them face to face - but that's harder ); but let them hear your complaint apart from any rage or insulting demeanor ; and give them space to respond ; and you will have left the " burden " in their " court of appeals ".
Then whether they ignore you or adore you , the burden will be greatly lifted from off of your chest .
Normally , I quote Scriptures right and left , but in your case I am led to make an exception .
This is the advice which is given me to share with you .
I'm confident if you follow it , your life will much improve , the choice , of course , is simply up to you .
Peace Bro ,
wm
I get the sense that your parents weren't thrilled that you joined the Marines .
And that you enlisted , in part , to get away from your home/church situation .
This likely hurt your parents , and they have clammed up emotionally , as a result .
With good intentions perhaps , but in unwise fashion , those closest to you wanted you to have what they honestly believe is the very best .
But they neglected to give space for that all important feature - your God given free will .
Which compelled you to defy their expectations in protest .
This is typical , and occurs more often than not , in parent / children relationships .
Especially during the teenage years .
These afflictions are common , realize you are only one of many who have faced , and are facing these very things .
You mention church and people , but say nothing of Jesus .
Church and people , without Jesus , is like sun and sand without water .
You're hot , you're bothered , and nothing is quenching your thirst for zestful living .
Because the sun is in your eyes , the sand is in your shoes , and Jesus is out of focus .
When Jesus preached and taught , he would say things like ; " Whoever has an ear to hear , let them hear . "
He knew that unless we were of a willing mind to follow him ; we would make poor disciples indeed .
I understand why you are angry , your free will has been smothered .
But remember , it was not done in malice , or with diabolical intent .
Rather , being blinded by earthly possessiveness and distracted by lofty ambition ; it was an inadvertant oversight on the part of your parents .
Yet know this , and know it well , Josh , that your becoming bitter as a way of punishing them for stepping on your freedom of choice ; will inflict your life most of all .
You need to get past the hurt , the anger , the resentment , and the bitterness ; it will eat you up inside , and ruin your relationship with your wife and others , whom you wish not to harm .
When you feel your insides start to boil , write your feelings down , put in writing all the hurtful negative emotions and why you feel that way ... tell them how you feel they have wronged you . Then set what you've written aside , and read it again , when you are relatively calm . Sever in your mind the reasonable from the excessive , and add a little understanding and moderation ; and that's what you should write and send to your parents ( or possibly say to them face to face - but that's harder ); but let them hear your complaint apart from any rage or insulting demeanor ; and give them space to respond ; and you will have left the " burden " in their " court of appeals ".
Then whether they ignore you or adore you , the burden will be greatly lifted from off of your chest .
Normally , I quote Scriptures right and left , but in your case I am led to make an exception .
This is the advice which is given me to share with you .
I'm confident if you follow it , your life will much improve , the choice , of course , is simply up to you .
Peace Bro ,
wm
Upvote
0
E
EmSchmem
Guest
I get the feeling we don't know the whole story. I also get the feeling the you think you are owed something.
Upvote
0
So why are you venting here? What do you want?
I fully understand what you are saying. I know many children of pastors and missionaries who feel exactly you do; sadly, this is not uncommon at all. One MK I know, whose parents were killed on the mission field said, "Well, if the Viet Cong hadn't killed them, I probably would have." And he's not joking.
You have been hurt and wounded and not loved as you should have been loved, over and over again by your parents and the members of that church and community. No doubt about it. I believe you. And, if this weekend does not go well you intend to cut off the ties forever.
How well do you think that's going to work? Will that help you fill the hollow places within you? Willl that shut off the need to be loved? Will that somehow stop the craving for the admiration, acceptance and love you always wanted from your father but never got, will that make it go away? You know better than that.
You said "If I don't get what I want, I'm going to snap." So, exactly what is it that you want? Can you state it in measurable terms? And, do the people you want it from know that you want these things? I'm sure that what you want and need may seem quite clear to you, but if others do not know what you want, their ability to give it to you is limited greatly.
I can tell you what you do not want. You do not want to go through the rest of your life angry and hurting and mad. It takes an enormous amount of energy, plays havoc with your body and mind, marriage, friendships and with your relationship with God and tends to make for very unhappy people - bot you and those around you.
If you have not been getting it, you need some professional counseling. You need a safe place where you can pour all of this out and sort it out and out of the rubble of your life, build, as best you can, the life you want, including whoever you want, as they are willing and able.
I encourage you to keep your expectations for this weekend low. Look for a willingness to work on relationships, and little more.
God be with you.
I fully understand what you are saying. I know many children of pastors and missionaries who feel exactly you do; sadly, this is not uncommon at all. One MK I know, whose parents were killed on the mission field said, "Well, if the Viet Cong hadn't killed them, I probably would have." And he's not joking.
You have been hurt and wounded and not loved as you should have been loved, over and over again by your parents and the members of that church and community. No doubt about it. I believe you. And, if this weekend does not go well you intend to cut off the ties forever.
How well do you think that's going to work? Will that help you fill the hollow places within you? Willl that shut off the need to be loved? Will that somehow stop the craving for the admiration, acceptance and love you always wanted from your father but never got, will that make it go away? You know better than that.
You said "If I don't get what I want, I'm going to snap." So, exactly what is it that you want? Can you state it in measurable terms? And, do the people you want it from know that you want these things? I'm sure that what you want and need may seem quite clear to you, but if others do not know what you want, their ability to give it to you is limited greatly.
I can tell you what you do not want. You do not want to go through the rest of your life angry and hurting and mad. It takes an enormous amount of energy, plays havoc with your body and mind, marriage, friendships and with your relationship with God and tends to make for very unhappy people - bot you and those around you.
If you have not been getting it, you need some professional counseling. You need a safe place where you can pour all of this out and sort it out and out of the rubble of your life, build, as best you can, the life you want, including whoever you want, as they are willing and able.
I encourage you to keep your expectations for this weekend low. Look for a willingness to work on relationships, and little more.
God be with you.
Upvote
0
Sadly there are many preacher's kids who hate their fathers because of the excessive and harsh criticism they were subjected to as children and because of the lack of time their fathers could spend with them.In your case however,your feelings toward not just your father but in fact most of your family,seems to be affected by your military trained mindset.Christians are required to love their enemies,which at this time is your family.The others who have responded to you have given you really good advice which although totally alien to your mindset,will help you if you slowly reflect on and follow it.I do want to give you one Bible verse which is in total conflict with your military training,but if you do not follow it,most likely you will find yourself hell-bound.Here it is:"IF YOU DO NOT FORGIVE,NEITHER WILL YOUR FATHER IN HEAVEN FORGIVE YOUR SINS."WE DO NOT QUESTION THAT YOU HAVE BEEN SERIOUSLY WRONGED.The Holy Spirit just gave me that input so the good news is that God is on your side.He knows what you have gone through,how you have suffered and how your parents have abused you.But look man,don't blow this.You've got the sympathy and understanding of God,the Holy Spirit has assured me of that.But now you need to draw close to God and follow the teachings of Jesus.And that means FORGIVENESS.Does it mean that you need to maintain a relationship with your family members?No but it does mean you have to stop hating and blaming them.God is taking your side in this dispute.DO NOT DRIVE HIM AWAY WITH YOUR DISOBEDIENCE.
Upvote
0
None of our parents are perfect. None of our children are perfect. None of us are perfect.
What happens to a ministers family is sometimes they are watched as if people want to see them fall. Or they are watched as if parishioners expect them to be perfect. Very few people want to see and accept them as human. This becomes rough on the minister who needs to make sure he can handle his own household or how can he handle the household of the church? -- standards.
There is a lot of pressure on the minister and his family.
You were expected to enthusiastically attend ALL meetings, be perfect, smile, always THINK scripture and were watched by the ENTIRE congregation and your father. WOW, I am so tired just typing all that was expected of you. I bet you were REALLY tired of trying to live it. And if you blew it, it could go against your fathers employment. HUGE responsibility for a toddler, child, adolescent and young adult. I would NEVER want to walk in your shoes or your Dads.
When I was young my father worked for a company who had government contracts. One day, a group went to march against the Viet Nam war, so I went with them. There was a paper on a clip board being circulated and I was 15, in the crowd, and without reading it, I signed it. It turned out it was a communist group. Mind you, I am NOT a communist nor do I advocate it. Well, we began to get communist literature at home.
My parents flipped out! My Father could have lost his job, we could have been in bad standing with the government, etc. etc. If we were watched it could create this huge problem. Heck, I was 15 and did not even know what I signed and now I had the whole FAMILY'S future attached to my behavior.
I just sank.
You lived that everyday. You lived, the huge responsibility to be perfect and the pressure of being watched.
And emotionally, I just wanted to "hang" with my father, but his job had him working 70+ hours a week. He was a great provider but in order TO provide he was unable to spend quality time with us. This bothered me for years, until the demands on me at work put me in the same postion.
You had to share your father with everyone. I know how sometimes I felt second fiddle to my Father's job, you must have felt invisable at times. That can be painful and emotionally stunt your growth in the old HEART department.
Perhaps, you can let your family know what it all felt like to you and how you recognize what it felt like to them. (Not an accusing letter, "you did this and that." but a letter of peace and understanding. "Boy, we all had so much pressure on us to be perfect. Thank GOD that HE knew we would all fall short!)
After you get the anger out, you may even want to write a book, or do a lecture called, Preacher Kids arent perfect. It maybe cathartic to write it all down, and helpful to others.
Ask God to broaden your understanding and your Dads. Then, let him know that those unrealistic expectations suffocated you. God respects free will and yet you felt like you were carved into a certain existence and were expected to live it perfectly without the free will choice.
Get the emotion OUT first. Write down your anger until you can speak past it, then burn those letters and write one with awareness of how all of this and your individual lives impacted each other, understand them and see if they can understand you.
That is my 2 cents worth.
What happens to a ministers family is sometimes they are watched as if people want to see them fall. Or they are watched as if parishioners expect them to be perfect. Very few people want to see and accept them as human. This becomes rough on the minister who needs to make sure he can handle his own household or how can he handle the household of the church? -- standards.
There is a lot of pressure on the minister and his family.
You were expected to enthusiastically attend ALL meetings, be perfect, smile, always THINK scripture and were watched by the ENTIRE congregation and your father. WOW, I am so tired just typing all that was expected of you. I bet you were REALLY tired of trying to live it. And if you blew it, it could go against your fathers employment. HUGE responsibility for a toddler, child, adolescent and young adult. I would NEVER want to walk in your shoes or your Dads.
When I was young my father worked for a company who had government contracts. One day, a group went to march against the Viet Nam war, so I went with them. There was a paper on a clip board being circulated and I was 15, in the crowd, and without reading it, I signed it. It turned out it was a communist group. Mind you, I am NOT a communist nor do I advocate it. Well, we began to get communist literature at home.
My parents flipped out! My Father could have lost his job, we could have been in bad standing with the government, etc. etc. If we were watched it could create this huge problem. Heck, I was 15 and did not even know what I signed and now I had the whole FAMILY'S future attached to my behavior.
I just sank.
You lived that everyday. You lived, the huge responsibility to be perfect and the pressure of being watched.
And emotionally, I just wanted to "hang" with my father, but his job had him working 70+ hours a week. He was a great provider but in order TO provide he was unable to spend quality time with us. This bothered me for years, until the demands on me at work put me in the same postion.
You had to share your father with everyone. I know how sometimes I felt second fiddle to my Father's job, you must have felt invisable at times. That can be painful and emotionally stunt your growth in the old HEART department.
Perhaps, you can let your family know what it all felt like to you and how you recognize what it felt like to them. (Not an accusing letter, "you did this and that." but a letter of peace and understanding. "Boy, we all had so much pressure on us to be perfect. Thank GOD that HE knew we would all fall short!)
After you get the anger out, you may even want to write a book, or do a lecture called, Preacher Kids arent perfect. It maybe cathartic to write it all down, and helpful to others.
Ask God to broaden your understanding and your Dads. Then, let him know that those unrealistic expectations suffocated you. God respects free will and yet you felt like you were carved into a certain existence and were expected to live it perfectly without the free will choice.
Get the emotion OUT first. Write down your anger until you can speak past it, then burn those letters and write one with awareness of how all of this and your individual lives impacted each other, understand them and see if they can understand you.
That is my 2 cents worth.
Upvote
0
It sounds like this has a lot more to do with your Marine Corps. expierience and less with your family/friends. I remember feeling the exact same way when I was a marine. No one ever called me...not supposed friends, not family, not even parents..except maybe once every other month. You shouldn't have to call them..you're the one that is suffering through all the joys of serving THEIR nation as a young marine. Welcome to the real world my friend...not to say the world is full of strictly self-ish and nasty people but people do tend to exagerate their feelings for you and sugar coat things..mainly I think to settle their own nerves. That is just the way that it is...and in my opinion a man can only be sure of few things in his life..two of them being: 1. He is a man and is responsible for his own actions, and 2. Jesus is the only real and truly majestic king that ever walked the face of the earth, and he walks it still.
Peace-
Peace-
Upvote
0
KleinerApfel
When I awake I am still with You
Josh,
I am so glad you've come here to look for support.
You've had a childhood and early adulthood of such unbearable pressure, and a corresponding lack of the depth of affection you needed.
All these replies should help you if you're willing to hang in there and keep going.
I think you can do it.
You've achieved a lot already - a military career is a tough chioce, especially for someone without family support, and you've got married and are working hard at making it work.
Don't let bitterness eat away at your whole life. Take courage and get some help, for your sake and that of your wife, and maybe kids later.
God bless you, Susana
I am so glad you've come here to look for support.
You've had a childhood and early adulthood of such unbearable pressure, and a corresponding lack of the depth of affection you needed.
All these replies should help you if you're willing to hang in there and keep going.
I think you can do it.
You've achieved a lot already - a military career is a tough chioce, especially for someone without family support, and you've got married and are working hard at making it work.
Don't let bitterness eat away at your whole life. Take courage and get some help, for your sake and that of your wife, and maybe kids later.
God bless you, Susana
Upvote
0
TheMainException
Senior Veteran
- Jun 13, 2004
- 2,957
- 92
- 37
- Faith
- Christian
- Marital Status
- Single
- Politics
- US-Libertarian
It's good that you have come searching for help...it's too bad they haven't...I hope they are seeing their mistake...they are probably forgetting you because you never became the pastor that your father dreamed you would be...so many parents dream these huge dreams for their kids and expect them to fit into that exact mold and it never happens or, if it does, the child is miserable the whole time while in that mold and finally explodes out. I respect you in that you never fell to that mold. You are so right about Christians driving people away from Christianity...it happens so often...it really stinks...it makes Satan laugh...keep loving your parents my friend...it is a good thing...even if they don't love you back, they will eventually see that they were wrong to put you into that mold and that you are still their child and that they still need to show you love...god bless, good luck, I hope things work out, I'll be praying for you and your family.
Upvote
0
Similar threads
