Christian Dating, is there such a thing?

[Guyanhao]

Me and my girlfriend recently just broke up, not for materialistic reasons, but rather for Jesus Christ.

It was hard for me to understand at first, because she had mentioned to me that there are 2 types of dating, obviously serious and non-serious. Non-serious dating has no significance, none what so ever, just an outlet of "fun". Serious Christian dating, however on the other hand, meant that it was dating for marriage. I am very young, 17 and she the same, it is obviously too early for marriage.

I have not been a devout Christian for an extended period of time, so it was very hard for me to let someone go who I care for so much. In addition, it was also hard for me to understand why so serious of a mindset at such a young age, and also why there could not be anything in between a serious/non-serious relationship. I seeked the Bible again, but to no avail. I seeked Christian websites on the internet, and they all told me the same message. Dating NOT for the purpose of marriage should be dissallowed, for it is similar to adultery, because you are seeking "thrills" out of the other partner. God prepares us for only one person, not multiple partners.

My questions to you: By dating individuals before marriage NOT for the purpose of marriage are we considered sinners? Is dating just an outlet of worldly wants and desires? Is there such a thing as Christian Dating (not for the purpose of marriage)?

Prayer request:
Faith, healing and open mindedness for me and her. God Bless.

 

[spikenard]

Dating is not mentioned in the Bible. That is a culture thing that changes with time. Back in Bible times, people courted (spelling?) This was a GROUP of people doing things together but even that was for the purpose of marriage. Really if you want to date but aren't looking for a marriage partner, then I would really consider courting. This way there is less temptation, no one gets hurt, and it's just as fun. Besides, if it's not for marriage than it is just for fun, right? On the other hand, just because your not ready to marry now, doesn't mean you can't start looking for that right person. What if you want to get married at 20 and you start looking at 19 for the right one. You might not find her for several years. If you find the right one early, it wouldnt hurt to wait on the marriage would it? I could go on for days but I hope this helps a little.

 

[goodgirl]

uggghhh.. this irritates me.

Dating, having relationships etc. are important to the social and, yes, spiritual development of young people. Too many people -- Christians or not -- think that marriage begins with a wedding. It doesn't, anymore than parenthood begins with birth or even conception. Just as if you get bad nutrition or abuse your body now, or if you let yourself get undisciplined and selfish, those can affect your children later on -- your relationships when you are young can affect your marriage.

I can't imagine what is wrong with having a mutually supportive, encouraging, loving relationship -- especially with a fellow Christian. Facing the obstacles and joys of a relationship is great practice for marriage, and can give you skills you will definitely need later on. Besides, I firmly believe that being around good people is a great way to improve yourself. The men I've dated, even some of the ones that overall weren't that great, have had a wonderful impact on my life. I feel sorry for anyone who DOESN'T date before marriage.

 

[eutychus37]

I don't know if I'd consider Christian "dating" as sinful, but I just don't think it's wise. Though the Bible never thoroughly addresses dating, it does emphasize marriage and the sanctity within. Why date somebody you wouldn't marry? That's emotionally and mentally prostituting yourself.


As far as timing goes, God's sovereign in the situation. He will give you the woman you're going to marry in his time no matter how long you date.

 

[goodgirl]

In what way is it emotional and mental prostitution?? I just don't get that. It's like saying being friends is like prostitution because you don't know you'll be friends forever.

God helps those who help themselves. We don't start our careers in 7th grade, we finish high school and maybe even college -- it's called preparation. Same with dating. You're building your skills at having loving, long-term relationships.

 

[YouthPastor]

In the Bible - every male/female relationship (except for parent/child) that is Godly is either AS FRIENDS, or as husband/wife (or soon to be - betrothed, which in order to end required a divorce).

There are a couple instances in the Bible that you could say are examples of "dating"

Samson & Delilah - Dont' think I need to do much explaining as to what happened here.

David & Bathsheba - The equivalant of a "one night stand" that obviously took a bad turn.

So - with the Bible as our guide - with the opposite sex we are to either be "just Friends" or married (or close to it/engaged)

So how do we get to know people? How do we find the right person.

By not looking!

Focus on you! Your relationship with God.

Be friends with people of the opposite sex - but do not pair off into one on one relationships. Get to know these people by doing things as a group - there are alot less "masks" when involved in group settings.

Do minisitry "things" with your friends - both of the same sex and of the opposite sex.

Dating started in the 1920's & really went down hill in the 50's and 60's.

Before the 1920's - "courtship" is how you found a spouse. Your spouse was normally someone in the "community" someone that was friends of the family - you knew each other from the "community" your normally would have grown up with them gone to church with them = so you knew the person.

The only reason, before the 1920's for a guy to "call" on a girl was with ONE goal in mind - MARRIAGE.

The only Godly male/female relationships in the bible are Friends or spouse (or soon to be) (relatives not included in this).

 

[YouthPastor]

In what way is it emotional and mental prostitution?? I just don't get that. It's like saying being friends is like prostitution because you don't know you'll be friends forever.

God helps those who help themselves. We don't start our careers in 7th grade, we finish high school and maybe even college -- it's called preparation. Same with dating. You're building your skills at having loving, long-term relationships.

Each time you "fall in love" you are giving a "piece" of you heart away. Each time you break up - you are leaving a "scar".

The Bible says - Above ALL else - guard your heart for it affects everything you do!

Regarding God helps those who help themselves - is not a verse!

In dating you are not learning how to have a loving-long term relationship - most "dating relationships" END! and not in marriage. It is estimated that a person will date 7 - 10 people before they get married. That is not teaching you to have a loving long-term relationship.

 

[wvmtnkid]

I have heard a lot of arguments for and against dating and for and against courting. Neither has convinced me that one is better than the other.

My personal feelings are that you shouldn't date just for the sake of dating or being with someone. I think that you should date with the intentions of a long term relationship. I think if more people took dating seriously, there wouldn't be as many break ups and scars, as you say. You would consider the other's person's feelings and heart before you entered into anything serious and long term.

I have dated. I have learned alot about myself in the process. Yes, I have gotten hurt. Generally because the person I was involved with wasn't as serious as I was. But, each relationship has taught me something. I know better what I want in a relationship. And I am now content to let God show me what He has for me. Had I not been through what I have, I am not sure I would be in the position to say that.

If you don't feel dating is right for you, than that is great. That is how you should conduct yourself. But I don't agree with saying that it isn't the right way about going about things for everyone. If we went strictly bibical, I would have basically no say in who I married, because most times it would be arranged between his family and my family. I don't know about you, but I don't think I want my mom picking out my husband!

 

[goodgirl]

yep to all that above. I don't think I've "given a piece of my heart" away and gained scars at all. Sure, some people have hurt me in life, but I've been very blessed with most of my boyfriends. I think if you view love as "giving yourself" away, you have a corrupted view of love. Loving people expands and strengthens your heart. It's like weightlifting. Yeah, you're tearing your muscles every time you pick that thing up, but by doing so you make your muscles stronger and more flexible.

With one or two exceptions, I'm grateful for each person I've dated. Not only did I learn from them, but I have great memories of them and they have graced my life.

 

[YouthPastor]

I can learn things from robbing a bank - but that doesn't mean I should do it!

 

[YouthPastor]

My point - why are we so quick to give out heart to someone? Why are we so willing to follow the worlds way of finding a spouse?

Why are we so willing to follow the patterns and behaviors of the world wen it comes to male/female relationships?

 

[wvmtnkid]

Robbing a bank is illegal, dating someone isn't!

Seriously, though, re-read my post, I am not advocating giving your heart quickly to anyone. I am not advocating following the patterns of the world when it comes to dating. The world believes that you should have a bed post full of notches. That's not what I am saying. I think you should enter into dating with a long term relationship in mind. You shouldn't do it flippantly, and just for the sake of having someone. Every male that I dated, I would have married at the time, if things would have lead that way. However, they didn't. I didn't know that though until we got into the relationship.

I just hear so much that dating is wrong. Dating in itself, I don't believe is wrong. How we date, yes, could use overhauling. But getting to know someone and spending time with them is not bad and sinful in and of itself. Just my .02!

 

[Stanfi]

I think you need to take the time to get the know the person that you marry deeply before you marry them. There is no need to marry someone and find out a week later that you cannot connect on a deeper level.

Everytime that I have met someone I like it has been a negative experience. I'm been a trip this week, and been thinking and talking to God alot. I am about to the point that I believe that he doesn't have anyone for me. It just seems like what he has been trying to tell me.

Not sure if any of that has anything to do with this thread. I guess first you need to consult God and see what he wants for your life. If he put someone special on your life, I think you need to know them well before committing to marriage. However, just don't get serioulsly involved with anyone you can find. These experiences will leaves scars that will remain with you for a lifetime.

 

[YouthPastor]

what is a long term relationship?

Marriage? or just a few years?

Marriage needs to be the goal for ANY one on one male/female romantic/emotional relationship.

The only Biblical example of male/female relationships that were not sinful are JUST friends or MArried (or to be).

 

[wvmtnkid]

In my mind, a long term relationship is marriage. What I said in my post is that I would have married the men I dated if the relationship lead that way. That was my goal. Obviously, it wasn't theirs.

I do not agree that the relationships I was in were sinful because they did not end in marriage and I resent the fact that you are implying that they were. I did not enter them lightly. I entered them prayerfully. I guard my heart, I do not give it away at the drop of a hat. Not everyone that dates, does. If you do not want to date and find it sinful, than that is your choice. But please do not judge me because I have dated.

We also live in a different culture today than they did in biblical times. They married within their family. Should we also do that today? As I mentioned earlier, most marriages were arranged. As a women, I more than likely would not have had much say in who I married. That really isn't a culture or tradition I want to go back to. But that is just my preference.

I am more interested in marrying the man that God has for me to marry. In the men I have dated, I have learned what to look for as Godly characteristics. And I am content to wait for who God has for me. Not an attitude I was ready to display years ago. Dating helped me come to this realization. As I said, dating may not be your choice, and that is fine. Perhaps dating isn't for everyone. That doesn't make it wrong, if it is done with God at the center of it.

 

[goodgirl]

Certainly nobody has EVER accused me of giving away my heart too quickly. In fact, I guard it much too jealously, and that's one of the main ways I've improved as a result of dating. I've learned to be more open with people and more generous with myself. It has never been a bad thing. The only times of real pain in relationships for me, have been when I refused to give of my love and regretted it later.

I also resent the implication that dating is sinful. And I still think that learning about relationships is important BEFORE you get married. I'm grateful that I know now which traits are important to me and which I don't really care about.

Yes, God is perfectly cabale of choosing us a mate. But also yes, it's entirely possible for us to mess it up by making an unwise decision, or by throwing away a good relationship for the wrong reasons. I'm glad and grateful for the experiences I've had, because they make me a more discerning person.

Aside from that: Mrstace, what has been negative for you? That's really sad... try not to get discouraged. Is it that you have gotten involved with the wrong people, or just hurt when it ended, or what?

 

[YouthPastor]

I was not implying that your relationships were sinful.

What I am saying is that "dating" is an invention of the "world" And is best left to the world.

It is better to get to know people as friends - then once marriage is a viable option - then if you want to persue a relationship - fine.

"dating" at 25 or 30 "normally" is much different then dating at 16, 17 or 18.

I did not meant to imply by dating that you were sinning. - it is just one of those grey areas.

 

[Warrior Poet]

Dating/ Courting is the same way as you would make a friend the 4 "I"'s

Intrigue
Intrest
Intrust
In Love.

And they operate in that order and at the pace each individual selects(sometimes that pace is faster for some then others). There is such thing as dating and as courting, there are Godly ways to do so, but the thing about the "I" method is it works to find friends. I am still sticking with the fact that marring your best friend is the best way to go. You dont date your best friend you hang out with them, have dinner with them, eat with their family, watch their TV shows, they let you in their world and you let them in yours. Label it dating label it courting, whatever but it is what it is making friends or a best friend. Just as in many situations we have what we think are friend, turns out they arent, that can hurt, but that doesnt mean become a loner and hope God brings you one friend for your whole life. He gave us the choice to choose those friends, and our bestfriend. Agreed that when people date they say the L word cause it seems right, but I have several very very good friend that i Love (female) and they have said it to me and I to them....but there is no intent on marring one of these friends. So have I given my heart to quickly to them or a piece of it away....maybe but maybe not, but we give a piece of heart away all the time in many things we do, though it is the most fragile it is also the most functional, it overrides the brain and emotions, we have a lot of pieces to give away and still have a whole section for our best friend.

Warrior Poet

 

[wvmtnkid]

It is better to get to know people as friends - then once marriage is a viable option - then if you want to persue a relationship - fine.

"dating" at 25 or 30 "normally" is much different then dating at 16, 17 or 18.

To this, I would agree. I think that friendship is an important way to go at first. Because once the "lovey dovey's" wear off, if the person you marry isn't your friend, than you are in for a long and hard time. And honestly, if I married the person I was in love with at 18, I really wonder where I would be today. Not saying it wouldn't be good, but I am a different person now than I was at 18.

When I was a little girl, my father used to tell me I couldn't date until I was 39. Maybe there was some wisdom in his statement?

 

[SpiritPsalmist]

Very well put Warrior Poet