Chosing To keep a friend or Dump Them?

[H&E]

I don't believe ValleyGirl participated since your last post to her, so I'm not sure why you are posting this??

(Besides, calling her contribution a colossal waste of time is uncalled for. She spent time offering her experience. If you don't like her previous posts, you can ignore them as well.)

ValleyGal spent alot of her time talking about herself and her experience and ignored my post (and me) I told her that I was sorry for her pain and apparent ongoing source of pain from the experience but she came back with the "Ticky box" comment so thats why I responded as I did. (Which I felt was indeed called for) Lastly, I posted the last time because I am new to this and I did not know they had stopped posting. I did not want her to continue to hijack my post and my time. I believe I have that right to make that determination and you have the right to disagree. Respectfully, H&E.

 

[H&E]

Indeed I did. It was not hard as they lived 150 miles away from where we settled.

But I did wonder about it.

Thanks! Wondering and rightly so! Yet you did it! Would you like to briefly explain why you chose to do it even though they couldn't, or wouldn't tell you why they wanted you to do such a thing?

 

[All4Christ]

ValleyGal spent alot of her time talking about herself and her experience and ignored my post (and me) I told her that I was sorry for her pain and apparent ongoing source of pain from the experience but she came back with the "Ticky box" comment so thats why I responded as I did. (Which I felt was indeed called for) Lastly, I posted the last time because I am new to this and I did not know they had stopped posting. I did not want her to continue to hijack my post and my time. I believe I have that right to make that determination and you have the right to disagree. Respectfully, H&E.

Certainly we can have our opinions. I primarily wanted to point out that she had stopped posting though (and secondly, that I doubt it was an intentional derailment of the thread). No worries though on my part - I'm completely fine with agreeing to disagree .



By the way, welcome to Christian Forums, and in particular to the Marriage Forum! I know it can be difficult to navigate at first, so if you have any questions, feel free to ask.

 

[DZoolander]

Within the parameters you've set - and if it was just one friend - I'd probably grant it.

However, there are some caveats that I'd probably want to throw in there.

I'd also state that I was doing it in honor of the marriage, and that her request was already going to cause problems in our marriage. Furthermore, if such requests continued, I would take my own counsel on whether or not I wanted to remain in the marriage. So, spouse, take that as you will and be careful with such requests that (by your parameters) pretty much come out of nowhere.

 

[ShaulHaTarsi]

It's quite the myth to imagine that your friends have no bearing on your behavior. Friends may either disappoint you, have an abrasive sense of humor, be morally lax, or otherwise. You live with your spouse and whatever sort of attitude or experience you have outside the home, you will inevitably end up bringing home. In my experience, this is especially true for people that don't have many acquaintances in the first place.

I think the type of friend is important. There's a difference between someone who's been your best friend since preschool and someone you met a few months ago and have beers with every few weeks. I also won't deny that some people simply restrict their spouse's friends because they wish to demonstrate power.

I answered that "I would", but with the above qualifications.

 

[H&E]

Certainly we can have our opinions. I primarily wanted to point out that she had stopped posting though (and secondly, that I doubt it was an intentional derailment of the thread). No worries though on my part - I'm completely fine with agreeing to disagree .



By the way, welcome to Christian Forums, and in particular to the Marriage Forum! I know it can be difficult to navigate at first, so if you have any questions, feel free to ask.

Understood and appreciated! Thank you for understanding and kindness!

 

[H&E]

It's quite the myth to imagine that your friends have no bearing on your behavior. Friends may either disappoint you, have an abrasive sense of humor, be morally lax, or otherwise. You live with your spouse and whatever sort of attitude or experience you have outside the home, you will inevitably end up bringing home. In my experience, this is especially true for people that don't have many acquaintances in the first place.

I think the type of friend is important. There's a difference between someone who's been your best friend since preschool and someone you met a few months ago and have beers with every few weeks. I also won't deny that some people simply restrict their spouse's friends because they wish to demonstrate power.

I answered that "I would", but with the above qualifications.

Thank you for sharing!!

 

[H&E]

Within the parameters you've set - and if it was just one friend - I'd probably grant it.

However, there are some caveats that I'd probably want to throw in there.

I'd also state that I was doing it in honor of the marriage, and that her request was already going to cause problems in our marriage. Furthermore, if such requests continued, I would take my own counsel on whether or not I wanted to remain in the marriage. So, spouse, take that as you will and be careful with such requests that (by your parameters) pretty much come out of nowhere.

Okay! By George I think we've got it!!! Thanks for sharing EZoolander!!!

 

[H&E]

It's quite the myth to imagine that your friends have no bearing on your behavior. Friends may either disappoint you, have an abrasive sense of humor, be morally lax, or otherwise. You live with your spouse and whatever sort of attitude or experience you have outside the home, you will inevitably end up bringing home. In my experience, this is especially true for people that don't have many acquaintances in the first place.

I think the type of friend is important. There's a difference between someone who's been your best friend since preschool and someone you met a few months ago and have beers with every few weeks. I also won't deny that some people simply restrict their spouse's friends because they wish to demonstrate power.

I answered that "I would", but with the above qualifications.

I'm new to this so forgive me if I already responded but I didnt see it so I am responding again, possibly! SMH. Thank you ShaulHaTarsi for sharing your choice!! It is greatly appreciated!

 

[HannahT]

I appreciate the response and your answer! FYI i'm just looking for our opinion (which you gave "thanks again) not advise! Now I am a bit confused by your opinion, in that, you would dump the friend at spouses request even if their reasons didn't make sense to you but you wouldn't if your spouse couldn't give you any reason other than they just felt that they didn't want them around? BUT isn't "I just feel that I don't like them and don't want them around" a reason? So, your statement is a bit counter-intuitive within itself. Nevertheless, I genuinely appreciate and thank you for our response!

Yes, there have been times in which request from my spouse made no sense to me at all - and they seemed VERY important to him. We found ways of working through them, and in time more of his reasons came out - and started to make sense. After 30 some years now? I have learned to ask him questions in a certain manner to get to the point quicker. It's annoying at times, but it also is what it is.

If she doesn't want to be around him? She shouldn't have to be. My H had one guy he hung around since childhood, and he sincerely gave me the creeps! It was his body language, and how he conducted himself around me. Something just didn't feel safe. I would have been hurt if forced to deal with this man personally. He went out with the boys with him instead, and in time he fell off the radar. I certainly didn't place it like she did to you, because that's not my style. Yet, he also knew very clearly I wasn't interested in his company. He respected that. He was the only friend I had issues with.

Personally, I don't appreciate the way she approached you on this subject - although since we don't know the dynamics of your relationship? There could be or not be good reasons for it.

 

[ImaginaryDay]

Ok, first off, this is NOT a troll thread! I have way better things to do with my time, and I don't get the troll thing anyway! Are people's lives that empty?!?! ALSO:I am NOT looking for advice!!! I only want to know if YOU were in this situation and YOUR spouse told YOU this under THESE conditions what would YOU do?!?!
Well, here it is: Should a spouse dump a friend because their spouse just doesn't want them around?
Here are the specific parameters: 1. The spouse does not have any specific reason for wanting the friend gone except that they just don't want their spouse around them.
2. The friend is the same sex as their spouse and there is no feeling or suspicion of gay or lesbian activity going on.
3. The spouse states that if their spouse continues to be friends with the undesired party that it is going to be a problem in their marriage.
4. There is no biblical reason the spouse wants the friend gone.
5. There are no hidden facts or reasons the spouse wants the friend gone, other than they just don't like the person and want them out of their life and don't want their spouse around them either!

Well, it's very good that you don't want to waste your time, and I don't want to want to waste your time either. And I understand about not understanding the whole 'troll' thing. I get it. I wouldn't want to be called a troll either. Ftr, I don't think you're a troll. I hate trolls. I don't know if people's lives are that empty or, what... But anyway...
I will not give you advice, since that isn't what you want. I wouldn't want anyone giving me advice if I didn't want it either. I hate that.
So, let me see if I understand what you want to know. Understanding is evidently very important to you as you have shown throughout the thread. ValleyGal (my wife) seemed to raise your hackles a bit as she did not answer the way you wanted. And I don't want to raise your hackles. What are 'hackles' anyway? Sorry, I derailed.
So, if I were in your situation, and MY spouse told ME certain things under THESE conditions, what would I do?!?! (did I get the grammar and punctuation right? I hope so...)
So... Should a spouse (I assume that's you?) dump a friend (I assume that's a friend of yours?) because their spouse (I assume that's your wife?) just doesn't want them (I assume that's your friend again? Just checking...) around? Well, I wouldn't know without some parameters... OH! WAIT! You gave me some! Let's see...
1) The spouse does not have a specific reason for wanting the friend gone except they just don't want their spouse around them.
-Well, this seems a bit illogical.
2)The friend is the same sex as their spouse (I assume that's you? Lot's of 'spouses' going on here - hard to keep track...) and there is no feeling or suspicion of gay or lesbian activity going on.
-Good
3)The spouse (Wife?) states that if their spouse (you?) continues to be friends with the undesired party that it is going to be a huge problem in their marriage
-Go back to #1. If there is no specific reason, then #3 is also illogical.
4)There is no biblical reason the spouse wants the friend gone
-Have you checked Ecclesiastes?
5)There are no hidden facts or reasons that the spouse wants the friend gone
-Also illogical
5b)...other than they just don't like the person and want them out of their life and don't want their spouse around them either!

All in all I would say that you've done some pretty good mind reading, but since you didn't want advice, I won't go there, even though I already did and can't take it back now. Sorry - my bad.

So... Ummmm... Let the friend go? I dunno... That's a toughie...
Best'a luck

 

[Dave-W]

Thanks! Wondering and rightly so! Yet you did it! Would you like to briefly explain why you chose to do it even though they couldn't, or wouldn't tell you why they wanted you to do such a thing?

In a word - Love.

Beyond that, the congregational culture we were in pretty much expected a couple to cut ties with all their single friends once they got married.

 

[Gwen-is-new!]

Whatever you decide to do, please don't let bitterness or resentment into the marriage over this.. those things or so destructive.

 

[mkgal1]

I think each spouse should be able to decide for themselves whom they are friends with---but that shouldn't encroach on the other spouse. I wouldn't 'dump' a friend just b/c my husband asked me to (nor would I ever ask him to do the same). I guess what I *would* do is try to not allow the friendship to get in the way (for example: talk at times when husband isn't home and I would be "taking time away" from him). It seems very controlling for a spouse to make the demand of the other to "dump your friend or else there's going to be trouble between us".

BTW....I didn't read all the other posts---so this is a bit of a "blind post".

 

[lisah]

I would keep my friend, I think. I already did the dump the friend thing, although it was also an ex.

I barely have friends anymore, nor does my husband. I miss having friends. I think he does too.

 

[WolfGate]

Ok, first off, this is NOT a troll thread! I have way better things to do with my time, and I don't get the troll thing anyway! Are people's lives that empty?!?! ALSO:I am NOT looking for advice!!! I only want to know if YOU were in this situation and YOUR spouse told YOU this under THESE conditions what would YOU do?!?!
Well, here it is: Should a spouse dump a friend because their spouse just doesn't want them around?
Here are the specific parameters: 1. The spouse does not have any specific reason for wanting the friend gone except that they just don't want their spouse around them.
2. The friend is the same sex as their spouse and there is no feeling or suspicion of gay or lesbian activity going on.
3. The spouse states that if their spouse continues to be friends with the undesired party that it is going to be a problem in their marriage.
4. There is no biblical reason the spouse wants the friend gone.
5. There are no hidden facts or reasons the spouse wants the friend gone, other than they just don't like the person and want them out of their life and don't want their spouse around them either!

I would back away from the friendship. I would choose my spouse over others, even if I didn't like having to make the choice.

Having said that, I find very unlikely the basis in your post that the spouse "does not have any specific reason". I think it very likely they have reasons they are not willing to share.