Chosing To keep a friend or Dump Them?

[H&E]

Ok, first off, this is NOT a troll thread! I have way better things to do with my time, and I don't get the troll thing anyway! Are people's lives that empty?!?! ALSO:I am NOT looking for advice!!! I only want to know if YOU were in this situation and YOUR spouse told YOU this under THESE conditions what would YOU do?!?!
Well, here it is: Should a spouse dump a friend because their spouse just doesn't want them around?
Here are the specific parameters: 1. The spouse does not have any specific reason for wanting the friend gone except that they just don't want their spouse around them.
2. The friend is the same sex as their spouse and there is no feeling or suspicion of gay or lesbian activity going on.
3. The spouse states that if their spouse continues to be friends with the undesired party that it is going to be a problem in their marriage.
4. There is no biblical reason the spouse wants the friend gone.
5. There are no hidden facts or reasons the spouse wants the friend gone, other than they just don't like the person and want them out of their life and don't want their spouse around them either!

 

[ValleyGal]

I could not answer without knowing the reason why there is an ultimatum. Is it just that friend, or is it all friends, and what specifically is it about that friend that is of so much concern as to issue an ultimatum.

Without knowing specifics, I have to say my best friend's husband did that to my friend with me. He refused to allow me to be part of the wedding, to spend any time together during the first year they were married - and I could only speak with her twice in the second year of their marriage. After that, I was allowed to see her about once a year or less, and that is how it still stays. It is hearbreaking because I was friends with her when I was four and she was three years old. Best friends all our growing up years, and still very good friends into our adulthood even though we were on different paths. We were still very significant to each other, and not being able to see her or talk to her caused a world of resentment that I have a hard time forgiving. I still hold a lot of animosity toward him, and she has recently come to understand how much he has controlled her all these many years - their marriage is currently in crisis.

So... my thought is that rather answer the poll, I'd say get to the bottom of why there's an ultimatum.

 

[All4Christ]

I agree with ValleyGirl's advice - but in the end - for me - I care about my husband more than my friends. For his sake, I would do that, but I would also want to find out why he felt that way, and also (if it was a really close friend) let him know that it isn't easy for me to let go of my friendship completely. There are a bunch of variables to the situation though. For example, does you spouse want you to give up all friends? Are there past situations with this friend that give your spouse concerns? Is your spouse asking this from you out of concern for your well being, or for another purpose? Without knowing your spouse, it is hard to say. With my husband, on the other hand, I know it would be for a good reason - though he never has asked that of me.

 

[Dave-W]

My wife asked me to give up a few friendships from high school after we got married.

While I did not see the reason at the time, later on I figured it out. They were very sarcastic and their brand of humor rubbed off on me when I was with them; i became very sarcastic as well.

Example: they held a "wake" for me (as a single man) simultaneous with my bachelor's party. They sent "in requiem" and "sympathy" cards to me, her, and various family members. They attended the wedding dressed more for a funeral.

So my wife did not want to have me being that morbidly sarcastic every time we got together.

 

[H&E]

I could not answer without knowing the reason why there is an ultimatum. Is it just that friend, or is it all friends, and what specifically is it about that friend that is of so much concern as to issue an ultimatum.

Without knowing specifics, I have to say my best friend's husband did that to my friend with me. He refused to allow me to be part of the wedding, to spend any time together during the first year they were married - and I could only speak with her twice in the second year of their marriage. After that, I was allowed to see her about once a year or less, and that is how it still stays. It is hearbreaking because I was friends with her when I was four and she was three years old. Best friends all our growing up years, and still very good friends into our adulthood even though we were on different paths. We were still very significant to each other, and not being able to see her or talk to her caused a world of resentment that I have a hard time forgiving. I still hold a lot of animosity toward him, and she has recently come to understand how much he has controlled her all these many years - their marriage is currently in crisis.

So... my thought is that rather answer the poll, I'd say get to the bottom of why there's an ultimatum.

ValleyGal, I am sorry to hear of your troubles. It is obvious that the situation was quite hurtful and even now continues to be a source of pain. Even though I empathize with you, I must point out that my post is very specific concerning the parameters in which one MUST make their response. You must take it as is and considering all things being equal, meaning one must not imagine or interject other thoughts they may have concerning any other possible reasons for the decision or feelings of the spouse other than they simply feel the person is not good to have in their marriage! They simply don't want their spouse around this person, or in their lives! No other explanation! To be helpful one must simply answer the question based on the parameters given! Thank you for your response! Prayers and best wishes to you!

 

[ValleyGal]

Well, then I choose not to answer because I do not like ticky-boxes where it does not allow for individual circumstances. I believe most people who are married are mature enough to discuss the matter rather than giving ultimatums.

 

[DZoolander]

lol - well now...

 

[H&E]

Well, then I choose not to answer because I do not like ticky-boxes where it does not allow for individual circumstances. I believe most people who are married are mature enough to discuss the matter rather than giving ultimatums.

ValleyGal we are not married (You and I) so if you dont like something dont participate! I am trying to get answers to a specific question under specific conditions and at this point you have made it about you and not the question! You are not being helpful and I suggest you please move on, because this is not about you! Thanks!

 

[H&E]

I agree with ValleyGirl's advice - but in the end - for me - I care about my husband more than my friends. For his sake, I would do that, but I would also want to find out why he felt that way, and also (if it was a really close friend) let him know that it isn't easy for me to let go of my friendship completely. There are a bunch of variables to the situation though. For example, does you spouse want you to give up all friends? Are there past situations with this friend that give your spouse concerns? Is your spouse asking this from you out of concern for your well being, or for another purpose? Without knowing your spouse, it is hard to say. With my husband, on the other hand, I know it would be for a good reason - though he never has asked that of me.

Thank you for answering the question!! I really appreciate it but I really don't know why folks find it so difficult to just answer based on the parameters! wow! I get it, its a thread but at the beginning I took great pains to set up the issue and all the considerations. I didnt say all friends, I clearly stated a friend and the ONLY reason was because the just felt the way they do! Nevertheless, you did answer and I appreciate your input! Thanks!

 

[All4Christ]

Thank you for answering the question!! I really appreciate it but I really don't know why folks find it so difficult to just answer based on the parameters! wow! I get it, its a thread but at the beginning I took great pains to set up the issue and all the considerations. I didnt say all friends, I clearly stated a friend and the ONLY reason was because the just felt the way they do! Nevertheless, you did answer and I appreciate your input! Thanks!

I understand that you posted the parameters there, but I wanted to post some caveats to my answer as there often are issues that we don't see in the first place (speaking from my experience). I am hesitant to give absolute advice to someone when I don't personally see the situation, even if the parameters are listed.

That said, I stand by my previous post. My personal opinion is that I would cease the friendship because my spouse is more important, but express my feelings to my spouse about the matter in a loving way, while allowing further discussion for explanations in the case that the reasons were not brought up initially.

 

[HannahT]

I think I would want more information from my spouse before dumping a friend just because they don't like them for some no answer reason. Now, if they can go into some detail? That's completely different, and a discussion can be had.

Being cornered JUST because the spouse wants to do that? I would take it as a sign of disrespect.

If they can go into reasons WHY this person makes them uncomfortable? That's a completely different ballgame. If their answers/reasons don't really click to me? Doesn't matter. I'm under an obligation to take those reasons seriously, because they are my spouse. I may not like it or may not understand it - yet you still have reasons. We have to respect our spouse's different point of view.

I have had some individuals in my past in which I could explain my reasons to, and they totally blew me off because they didn't like the answer. It didn't fulfill their checkboxes. They claimed they were non answers, and to me that was a sign of disrespect too. You can't start a conversation by claiming my reasons are NON answers, because you didn't like them.

(Shrugs) You post is to vague to really give any advice honestly.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

Like others I'd ask what specific reasons they have for not wanting you to be friends with them. If they can't come up with any then I'd keep the friend. Not sure why a spouse would even say "It will cause marital issues!". Does that mean its a threat and if you keep the friend the your spouse will make the marriage hard? Or does that mean they think the friend can be disruptive to the marriage?

Sounds childish and petty, at least without any legit reason for wanting a friend gone. When my best friend got married long ago his wife who was a bit of a religious nut told him to tell me we couldn't be friends. Why? Because she just didn't like me. No answer as to why. After that I thought she was a terrible person. You don't throw away friends, especially long time friends for no real reason.

My other best friend (years later) on the other hand, was a hardcore atheist and was starting to rub off on me. So if my wife had told me to stop being friends. I would have been fine with that.

 

[H&E]

My wife asked me to give up a few friendships from high school after we got married.

While I did not see the reason at the time, later on I figured it out. They were very sarcastic and their brand of humor rubbed off on me when I was with them; i became very sarcastic as well.

Example: they held a "wake" for me (as a single man) simultaneous with my bachelor's party. They sent "in requiem" and "sympathy" cards to me, her, and various family members. They attended the wedding dressed more for a funeral.

So my wife did not want to have me being that morbidly sarcastic every time we got together.

Thanks for the response, but what i really want to know is: if she didn't, wouldn't or couldn't give you a reason, what would you have done?!?

 

[H&E]

Well, then I choose not to answer because I do not like ticky-boxes where it does not allow for individual circumstances. I believe most people who are married are mature enough to discuss the matter rather than giving ultimatums.

If you don't like the way my thread is structured, you do realize you don't have to participate right? For what its worth, I would rather you didn't post any further. Thanks for your time, even though it was a colossal waste of my own!

 

[All4Christ]

If you don't like the way my thread is structured, you do realize you don't have to participate right? For what its worth, I would rather you didn't post any further. Thanks for your time, even though it was a colossal waste of my own!

I don't believe ValleyGirl participated since your last post to her, so I'm not sure why you are posting this??

(Besides, calling her contribution a colossal waste of time is uncalled for. She spent time offering her experience. If you don't like her previous posts, you can ignore them as well.)

 

[H&E]

I think I would want more information from my spouse before dumping a friend just because they don't like them for some no answer reason. Now, if they can go into some detail? That's completely different, and a discussion can be had.

Being cornered JUST because the spouse wants to do that? I would take it as a sign of disrespect.

If they can go into reasons WHY this person makes them uncomfortable? That's a completely different ballgame. If their answers/reasons don't really click to me? Doesn't matter. I'm under an obligation to take those reasons seriously, because they are my spouse. I may not like it or may not understand it - yet you still have reasons. We have to respect our spouse's different point of view.

I have had some individuals in my past in which I could explain my reasons to, and they totally blew me off because they didn't like the answer. It didn't fulfill their checkboxes. They claimed they were non answers, and to me that was a sign of disrespect too. You can't start a conversation by claiming my reasons are NON answers, because you didn't like them.

(Shrugs) You post is to vague to really give any advice honestly.

I appreciate the response and your answer! FYI i'm just looking for our opinion (which you gave "thanks again) not advise! Now I am a bit confused by your opinion, in that, you would dump the friend at spouses request even if their reasons didn't make sense to you but you wouldn't if your spouse couldn't give you any reason other than they just felt that they didn't want them around? BUT isn't "I just feel that I don't like them and don't want them around" a reason? So, your statement is a bit counter-intuitive within itself. Nevertheless, I genuinely appreciate and thank you for our response!

 

[Dave-W]

Thanks for the response, but what i really want to know is: if she didn't, wouldn't or couldn't give you a reason, what would you have done?!?

Actually I did not find out until several years later WHY she wanted me to drop them. By then I had been away from them long enough to be able to see the issue as well.

 

[H&E]

I understand that you posted the parameters there, but I wanted to post some caveats to my answer as there often are issues that we don't see in the first place (speaking from my experience). I am hesitant to give absolute advice to someone when I don't personally see the situation, even if the parameters are listed.

That said, I stand by my previous post. My personal opinion is that I would cease the friendship because my spouse is more important, but express my feelings to my spouse about the matter in a loving way, while allowing further discussion for explanations in the case that the reasons were not brought up initially.

THank you Thank you Thank you!! Maybe people are getting the wrong impression of my post. I am not seeking advice at all, just what would you do kind of feedback! I know what I would do in said situation, but am interested in a general consensus as to what others would do! Thank you for your input! Greatly appreciated!!!

 

[H&E]

Actually I did not find out until several years later WHY she wanted me to drop them. By then I had been away from them long enough to be able to see the issue as well.

Soooo, did you drop them when she asked, without knowing or did you drop them later?

 

[Dave-W]

Soooo, did you drop them when she asked, without knowing

Indeed I did. It was not hard as they lived 150 miles away from where we settled.

But I did wonder about it.