Children issue

[Moira Leah]

I have a question for all of you and I'm really just wondering what are you thinking about that topic.
Okay, so there is a christian couple who are planning to get married one day and they really love each other, but there's one small issue. He wants to have children, but she doesn't. At least at the moment, because no one guarantees that she won't change her mind some day, for five or ten years.
Also, she haven't told him that yet, because she is afraid that he might leave her. And I think, that if they really love each other, and if he loves her that shouldn't be a problem and he will accept her the way she is because he loves all of her and not just what he can get from her, what are, in this case, children, cause by my opinion that's what real love's about. Right?
Looking forward to hear what you have to say!
Blessings!

 

[PolarBear3]

First of all, this is *not* a small issue. Agreeing to have children or not is a big issue. And if she is not telling him where she stands, then that is another big issue. Yes, love is about accepting each other. But if she is not being open with him about this and giving him the opportunity to accept or reject her, then that is a problem. If your life goals are going in different directions then it's important to be honest about that and either work through that as a couple or decide to find someone who has similar goals.

If she wants him to love her as she is, then she needs to tell him who she really is - that she doesn't see children in her future although she is open to changing her mind.

Kathy

 

[Windmill]

Agree children is a huge issue.

Its OK that she doesn't want kids but not OK shes keeping this from him. She needs to man-up and tell him!

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

That's not a small issue...

 

[ido]

If she feels like there is a possibility that she does not want kids, but feels she may change her mind at some point, then she needs to be upfront and honest with him about that. Communication is key to a healthy, successful relationship. Witholding pertinent information - and the others are right, children are not a small issue for most people - is wrong and can create a rocky foundation for the relationship/marriage.

 

[latteda]

Huge issue. It was one of the first things we talked about in regards to future compatibility.

The idea that he should accept her desire to not have children could just as easily be argued the other way. Should she not also accept the desires of his heart, which include having children? Love and acceptance of him would include love and acceptance and support of his hopes and dreams, as well.

 

[Luther073082]

Umm I agree with above.

Love can only get you so far in a marriage. But to have one, you have to be in agreement on things like children, money, values and the like. Children is one of the biggest ones.

Somehow I have a feeling this is about you.

Accepting someone for how they are only carries so far. Would you accept him for how he is if suddenly you found out he wasn't a Christian but a rabid atheist? Or would you be maybe a little ticked about it?

Would you accept him for who he is if you found out he is asexual (that is a person that never desires sex). When he marrys you he's buying you. He's buying into everything that is you. And this is an expensive purchase, this one is til death and you can't buy another one unless you die. If you are going to get a car or a house you usually want to get all the info. You don't just walk out on a car lot and point at a car and go "ohh dat one, here's $25,000". No you get all the information.

If your SO belives you want children and marrys you and finds out you don't. Its not a "oh I accept you how you are" type of thing. There will be a huge amount of resentment from that and possibly a divorce.

If my fiancee right after we got married said "oh by the way, I don't really like kids afterall." I would go straight to the courthouse and apply for an annaulment of the marriage.

And the thing is, that it has nothing to do with the children. If 1 month after we where married we found out she was completly infertile. Then we can look at adoption or something. What it has to do with is that in one case she hid or lied to me about something major. And in the other she was just unaware of it.

Hiding this or not telling to him is lying to him. A major lie like that is a horrible way to start a marriage. And it makes him absolutly STUCK with someone that he might not have married if he had known the full truth.

But if you want to have the most cold, unromantic honeymoon with a very angry and resentful husband who doesn't even want to see your face much less sleep in the same bed as you. This of course followed by a loveless marriage Then yeah go ahead and hide this.

For personally speaking, if it happened to me, it would take years to forgive you. And then after those years when I did forgive you, that doesn't mean I'm going to be in love with you again.

 

[Windmill]

Well I would hope they could forgive them but the trust will still have been broken.